today,....i woke up just like every day of my life, except the sun was shining this morning, and the frantically downpours of rain has passed in the late night hours. it should be a time of great rejoicing, but something inside of me doesn't see it this way. this is a blog of the oncoming depression in my life. i've dealt with it a thousand times before.
there has not anything changed in my life. I'm still taking all that great medication that the Dr. gives me by the handfuls to take everyday. you know,.........just to keep me in balance, so i don't have to feel.............like i feel right now!! maybe he can give me another drug? yeah,............that's what i need!! a super drug that actually works!!
you know the darn-est thing about taking a handful of drugs everyday is when one of them decides to take a day off, or simply go on vacation for a week. i wonder where they go? they simply disappear for a time. then when they decide to return every thing is in a madhouse state of total chaos!!
you would think that they would just stick around, and clean up the mess in my life before it gets really bad,............but it doesn't work that way for some reason. who knows why?
i have been doing battle with what i would like to call the common cold for a couple months now. after a couple months of doing battle it really don't seem that common anymore. my nose is in a state of constant hell, and this stuff running down the back of my throat is keeping me coughing like a mad man. i've been doing the vitamin c trick to alleviate the conditions, but that just works while i have an orange stuck in my mouth.
life is not perfect!! if it was what would we find to complain about? we all complain about trivial things in our life, and somehow that makes us feel better. we begin to think that we are alone in a room full of our troubles, and if we can just let somebody else know it will make it more bearable. the truth is that it does make it seem less stressful.
people that suffer major depression skipped that small part. they forgot to reach out, and confide in others the pain that they chose to bare alone. it really make no sense in today's time. there are people just waiting on the other end of the phone line just waiting for you to call them. they understand what depression really means on a personal level. most of them volunteer their time, because they understand the fatality so well.
the next three weeks for me are what i call,.............make, or break weeks. i've got so much to do during that time just to survive this madness that i've fell into over this past year. one of my major problems is getting my I.D. changed to my current address. the rules and laws have changed so much over the past few years that every one is a suspected terrorist at the D.M.V. until otherwise proven not to be.
there's something really special about try to prove to a person that you can't even understand that you are not a terrorist!! i just would like to say look lady,...............do you really think that i got this accent by default? I'm an old man now, and i've lived in this country longer than you have even thought about living here. take this ridiculously amount of money, and snap the current pic for my new card!!
if i can make it through that phase then the real fun starts. i have to prove to Shands that I'm poor, and the reason that I'm poor, and how i can be so stinkin' poor, and not be homeless!! have you ever been down at Shands for financial help? it's really a fiasco!! the workers only have 45 minutes to spend with you, and evaluate you on if you are poor enough to receive their help. they are highly trained specialist that know all the right questions to ask you in which to bring about the maximum of embarrassment in the allotted time frame that they are allowed to take. if for some reason you have not satisfied them, or if they feel that they haven't embarrassed you quite to your limit then they will have you come back, so they can take another round with you.
all this equals out though, because your reward is six months worth of free medical. every thing is covered expect for optical, and dental. i would have already been pronounced dead if it wasn't for that little life saving card. i take a lot of blood pressure medications just to keep me from flopping in the wrong end zone.
i really wouldn't have chosen this life intentionally if i had known better at the time. i've made a lot of seriously bad choices in my past. it is what it is now, by the grace of God. the best that i can hope for is the extension of time. however,........i don't think that anyone can extend it past the time that it was meant to be. if i can just gain back those days that i've selfishly squandered away then i will be happy with the outcome.
huum.................now what was i talking about? oh-yeah,..........depression. it's seems that i've already talked myself out of that deal for the time being. i've got more serious issues to work on now!!
.............much love
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