GOOD CHURCH ANNOUNCEMENTS GONE BAD
What follows are ACTUAL
announcements from ACTUAL church bulletins.
1. Don't let worry kill you --let
the church help.
2. Thursday night -Potluck supper.
Prayer and medication to follow.
3. Remember in prayer the many who
are sick of our church and community.
4. For those of you who have
children and don't know it, we have a nursery
downstairs.
5. The rosebud on the alter this
morning is to announce the birth of David Alan
Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
6. This afternoon there will be a
meeting in the South and North ends of the church.
Children will be baptized at both ends.
7. Tuesday at 4:00 PM there will be
an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will
please come early.
8. Wednesday the ladies liturgy will
meet. Mrs. Johnson will sing "Put me in my little
bed" accompanied by the pastor.
9. Thursday at 5:00 PM there will be
a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All ladies
wishing to be "Little Mothers" will meet with the
Pastor in his study.
10. This being Easter Sunday, we
will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg
on the altar.
11. The service will close with
"Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies will
start quietly and the rest of the congregation will
join in.
12. Next Sunday a special collection
will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet.
All those wishing to do something on the new carpet
will come forward and do so.
13. The ladies of the church have
cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in
the church basement Saturday.
14. A bean supper will be held on
Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will
follow.
15. At the evening service tonight,
the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early
and listen to our choir practice.
16. "A songfest was hell at the
Methodist Church Wednesday."
17. "Today's Sermon: HOW MUCH CAN A
MAN DRINK? with hymns from a full choir."
18. On a New York convalescent home:
"For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church."
19. In the vestry of a New England
church: "Will the last person to leave please see
that the perpetual light is extinguished."
20. In a Pennsylvania cemetery:
"Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from
any but their own garden."
21. Bertha Belch, a missionary from
Africa will be speaking tonight at Calvary Memorial
Church in Racine. Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch
all the way from Africa.
22. Announcement in the church
bulletin for a National PRAYER & FASTING Conference.
"The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer
conference includes meals".
23. Our youth basketball team is
back in action Wednesday at 8 p.m. in the recreation
hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
24. Today the pastor will preach his
farewell message after which the choir will sing
"Break Forth into Joy"
25. Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will
not pass this way again" giving obvious pleasure to
the congregation.
26. "Ladies, don't forget the
rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those
things not worth keeping around the house. Don't
forget your husbands".
27. Next Sunday is the family
hayride and bonfire at the Fowlers'. Bring your own
hot dogs and guns. Friends are welcome! Everyone
come for a fun time.
28. Smile at someone who is hard to
love. Say hell to someone who doesn't care much
about you.
29. The peacemaking meeting
scheduled for today has been canceled due to a
conflict.
30. The sermon this morning: "Jesus
walks on the water'. The sermon tonight: 'Searching
for Jesus'.
31. Next Thursday there will be
tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they
can get.
32. Barbara remains in the hospital
and needs blood donors for more transfusions.
She is also having trouble sleeping
and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.
33. The "Over 60's Choir" will be
disbanded for the summer with thanks.
34. The outreach committee has
enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are
afflicted with any church.
35. The Pastor would appreciate it
if the ladies of the congregation would lend him
their girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday
morning.
36. Remember in prayer those who are
sick of our church and community.
37. Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be
soloist for the morning service. The pastor will
then speak on "It's a terrible experience".
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