Can you tell that I am upset?

I have got to a place in life that I am not as satisfied as I once was. It seems that everything is changing once again, and right now I can’t say it is for the better. I have been back into what I would call the real world, for two months, after my two year re-evaluation of my life. Those were two years of time well spent in quality, and actually changed my life for the better. I think that I need to just slow down, and explain the best that I can in more detail.

I have come to the point that I have smashed head on, with a wall of Christianity. I am starting to think that maybe I am deceiving myself, and really not doing all that well. I know that I was in a protected environment, and sheltered from most of the real world attitudes. I really thought that I had enough training to step back into the world, and handle myself well, with good Christian conduct. However, it seems that I have become a time-bomb!!

Maybe it is the class of folks that I am around the most, but then again this is coming from all points. I keep thinking that if just one more person comes at me with a smart attitude. Simply, because I ask them a question out of necessity….I will show them what a smart attitude really is all about!! All the while, I stand there, in their face just smiling, like I am mentally challenged, and not affected by their words.

Maybe it is the fact that some of my karma is looping around to me, and making me sick to my soul. I used to be one of these people that I am talking about now. I could control folks with my attitude. If I didn’t care for a person, and honestly, I really didn’t care for most people. I could keep them at bay with my double-edged attitude.

I am also thinking that it might just be me. I might be getting more sensitive with my feelings. I have a real problem with attending my church right now. I can’t go except on Sunday mornings. The bus will not get me home on Sunday night, and Wednesday night it is a real challenge getting there, and getting back. I need more time in active worship with others that believe the same as I do.

I never thought that this could be a problem, but there is not a Pentecostal place of worship, any closer than my church. I don’t want to offend anybody, but the presence of Holy Spirit is a must, if I am going to attend a church. Now, I am not talking about a warm feeling that comes over a person. That is not the evidence that I require, and I do require some evidence. I must know, beyond any shadow of doubt that His presence is among His children.

The first thing that has to happen is the fact that I have to feel His presence. The second thing is that I have to see His movement among His children, and the third thing is that I have to hear His voice. If I can’t experience those three things, then I don’t really consider that I have even been to church.

I know that I am in a mess, but I would rather just stay at home, than attend one service without the presence of Holy Spirit. Am I wrong to feel this way? I can’t say that Holy Spirit revealed Himself to me, until six months ago. I have been to churches that would talk about the presence of Holy Spirit, but I could never see any evidence that He was even there.

I know this is probably a wrong way to put this, but Holy Spirit has become an addiction for me!! I simply have to be in His presence when I go to worship. If I can’t feel His presence, then I tend to think that I am just going through the motions of praise, without any reception. I know that my perception of God has changed. I think that it is for the better.

I love and serve, and worship a living God, and it just burns my butt to even think that I need to worship Him in a dead church!! You do realize that they are dead churches out there…right? They are dead ministries, simply going through the motions, and never spreading the Gospel, of a risen, alive, Jesus Christ. Can you tell that I am upset?

I wish every reader of this blog would Google, Churches in Jacksonville Florida, and look at the map. It is ridiculous. If you were to print out the map, and use it as a dart board, you would be hard pressed not to land on a little red dot. The red dots represent a church here in Jacksonville. There are probably twenty-five, to thirty church buildings within a mile from my home, and new ones appearing every week.

Can you feel my frustration? Thanks for letting me vent it out. I know that the solution, to my problem will be found in prayer. That is where all my solutions are found……

           ………. Much Love