I Have Sinned

I have sinned.    We should know that by now that, any sin does not make the Lord pleased. Sometimes I flippantly don’t let my level of sin bother me. I consider some of my sins too small to worry about. The Father never sees my sin in that way. To the Father my sin requires a death to take place, and fortunately He has given me a choice.

I have sinned.  Like King David my sin is ever before me. I have failed to let Jesus, be who that He is, in my life.     We all go through the storms in our life. It has been said that either we are heading into a storm; in a storm, or coming-out, of a storm. I went at least six months or maybe longer, without the presence of a major storm in my life. I didn’t understand the reason for this. Now I can see a reason, but I am still not sure, that it is the true reason.

I have sinned. My storm started back in the month of April. I was spending way too much time lying in the bed with a sickness, which I couldn’t get a handle on. I finally went to the Emergency room, and in twelve hours they had determined, that I had cancer. In the days to follow more test confirmed the accuracy, of that report. 

I spent the next three days in bed just thinking about stuff. My life ending, and all the mistakes that I had made, and the facts that I did not under any conditions want to die!!!  This was totally unfair, because I really haven’t started enjoying my life until about four years ago. All this time I was talking to Jesus in a way that I don’t think that I had ever spoken to Him.

Can I be real frank with you about the disease of cancer?   That simple little word called cancer changes meaning when it is aimed at you personally. The word cancer is a strong word. It is capable of commanding total presence in your mind, because most things that are said after that are oblivious to the human ear. It makes me wonder why the Doctors keep speaking, at the point?

After those three days, I placed all this madness in the hands of my Savior. I praised Him for life, because he is the giver of life.  Something happened during the next three months. The Doctors report kept getting worse, and my focus was slipping away from the Great Physician. There was an operation to take place to remove the cancerous mass inside of my colon. All was left then was chemotherapy, and we all live happily every after. 

The operation was a no go, because once they could see inside my belly, the cancer had spread all crossed my lower abdomen. There was no need to cut anything out, besides some biopsy that was needed to tell where else that it has spread. I was told that I have six months left to live. These words stop every other word from planting in my brain. 

I don’t know what was happening in my mind, and in my heart. I slept very little, and if I ever slept when I would awaken; I would stretch, thank the Lord for another day of life, and remember that I am dying. Something broke inside of me. I think that it was my heart. I was experiencing a rush of sorrow heading straight for my eyes, and the floodgates of my sorrow were unleashed!! I actually can’t remember having that much pain since the death of my mother. 

I have sinned. Worry was eating me alive to the point that I simply couldn’t eat. I cried out to God that I didn’t want to die. I was telling Father How to do His job, concerning my life. I watched all these videos of people dying with cancer, all night long. I cried so much that I was using a whole roll of toilet paper to dry the tears. I went to my pastor was talking about the fact that I didn’t want to die. I know that I have a home in Heaven, and I know that it is not going anywhere.  I simply didn’t want to die!!

Pastor explained that there was nothing wrong with my thinking. All that I have known so far is life, and I wasn’t ready to turn loose of it. Plus we know little about death. We know our destination, but very little other than that. I accepted that as making good since. I ran into another preacher friend of mine, and was telling him about my problem. He said, Praise the Lord Brother James!!  You are on your way home. He quickly realized that I didn’t not share in his enthusiasm. 

Then he asks me a question; Are you ready to go? I went to wagging my head no while holding back the tears. I told him that I wasn’t, because I had two sisters that I was concerned about their Salvation. At that moment I realized that was my hold-up right now. I hadn’t planned to say that, but it simply came out as I opened my mouth. This will not be an easy task, since we have spent most of our lives no talking, and I am sure that it has been my entire fault.

That relationship needs to be restored, and I can’t do it. God will have to be the One, which will make it happen. I am going to humble myself, as low as I can it those two girls eyes, so I can tell them about Jesus. Plus I plan to let them know that if they ever want to see their mother, that Jesus is the only way. 

John14:6  Jesus saith unto him, I am the way, the truth, and the life: no man cometh unto the Father, but by me.

This week I finally got to see my oncologist who gave me the first positiv

e news that, I have had in three month. He started by saying that he couldn’t cure my cancer. I smile at him, and said that I understood. Jesus is the only cure that there is for my cancer. Then He said that there was a good possibility that, chemotherapy could add from one to two years, in my life. I smiled saying that I would take that offer!!

I have sinned. The reason that I haven’t written is because my sin. I have worried every day. I have not trusted Jesus to do what He says that He will do, in the love letter that He has written in the Bible, which is the Word of God. I have withdrawn into a dark world that I only knew about, and trying to hide from my only hope. I am not going to say that it will not ever happen again, because I don’t know what is on down the road for me. I pray that the Lord will keep me more focus, on His mercy and goodness.

This blog should be all about Jesus, and it really is except that I am taking up a good bit of the space about me today. I heard the preacher teaching the other night, and he quotes a verse that I had memorized years ago. I really needed to hear that verse at that moment. This is the most serious satanic attack that I have ever death with, and so far I have failed in my eyes. This verse brought everything back into perspective. 

John 10:27-3o  My sheep hear my voice, and I know them, and they follow me: 28  And I give unto them eternal life; and they shall never perish, neither shall any man pluck them out of my hand. 29  My Father, which gave them me, is greater than all; and no man is able to pluck them out of my Father's hand. 30  I and my Father are one.

Sometimes a Word from God is golden in the Spirit of the believer. It was so strongly meant for me that the guest preacher this Sunday brought, it back to life.  Ain’t God Good?

           ….Much Love