this is it

wasn't Michael Jackson's last hurrah named the same?             hopefully, I'm not going to follow his suite.   I'm really planning on to continue to write this lil' diddy, because it is so good for me. it keeps in contact with a world that really doesn't give a damn about me.
i have blood family that doesn't care, and i have people that i truly love that don't care either. you know,.........that's alright. if nobody really cares about what happens to me, it don't change the fact that i do!! it's took me several years to transpose myself into something that i could love, and i think that was a pretty good start. I'm sorry if I'm still just a big o' asshole, but I'm still work in progress.
enough of this,............i have new madness to expose!!

i was hoping to sell my computer today. i will have no use for it after tomorrow anyway. i did sell my window ac unit today, so I'm sitting in a puddle of sweat pecking these words out to you. i have loved to peck out the words that describe the important things in my life.  speaking of important things,.................I'm gonna take a pause for the cause,..............and go cook my last meal here in this house. all of a sudden i have this craving for au gratin potatoes, left over mac & cheese, and some BBQ pork. I'll finish this in a while,..........or not. it depends on what i really want to do on the last day in my home!!

hey,..........i did make it back!! i forgot that i had green beans a couple days ago, and i plan to finish them off tonight.

i was supposed to buy this six man tent from a guy in mayport today, but the bus schedule didn't work in my favor. i went to walmart instead , and bought my new home. i went into the woods the other day and found me a place to set up camp. all i need is to do a little shovel work on the ground underneath my tent, so it will be smooth enough to sleep on. this is not my first rodeo!! I've been here before, but i realized the other night that it's been 18 years.
I've been kinda busy today wiping out the proof that i ever had a life. i deleted all my private documents on my computer, and every picture that I've taken over the past six years. i need to go ahead and wipe out all the music on it also while I'm at it.

tomorrow should be a busy day for me. i need to get up early,..............hey,................i said that i need to,............ain't like i will,..............i really like sleeping in my bed!!               anyway,...........tomorrow I've got to set my campsite up, and take my stuff down to it. the rainy season has finally started in my neighborhood, so I'll have to work around it. I've got to decide which clothes that i take, and which i leave behind. actually,.........i should just take them all, and wear the ones first that i can just throw away.
i am ashamed to admit this, but i have clothes hanging in my closet, and stuffed in my drawers that still have the tags hanging on them. honestly,.........i think that's a damn shame!! the clothes that i like to wear are worn slap out. i am a creature of habit.
the good thing about having a tent is that i don't have to leave a lot behind. well,..............actually i do, but i can take everything that i use kinda regularly. it will be safe until some human decides that i have too much left, and takes it from me. they will just have to wonder up on my campsite though. i realized that homeless folks don't have friends for a reason. you can't never trust a person enough to bring them into your home.
being homeless with a little stuff is totally different from having nothing. a man with nothing has nothing left to lose, and having a little left means that you have everything to lose.
the worst thing about being homeless, or what society calls being homeless is the fact that if your not careful you will accept that as your way of life. you will get so use to living this lifestyle that you lose all connection with the real world. you withdrawal from the common folk, and accept your way of life as being right. you become extremely paranoid, and delusional. there is no trust left inside of you. all those good things that once made up who you are  have vanished.
i bet your wondering how i can say these things? it's simply because I've been almost at this point in my life before. i thank God that He snapped me out of this cycle just in time. i truly hope that He has the same compassion on me this time!!
I'm not sure why my life has come to this point anyway. I've tried to do the right thing, and I've tried to accept people as they are. I've tried to not be too judgemental of others. basically,............I've tried!!    no,...........I'm having a hard time accepting this, but I've ran out of options. maybe i need to go gracefully into that cold dark night? i think that I've kicked, and screamed enough.

anyway,............back to what i was saying.......................tomorrow should be busy for me. once i get all my stuff carried down i need to come back, and wash all my dirty clothes one last time. there shouldn't be anything left here but them, and my bed linen. i might just sleep here once more tomorrow. nobody really expects me to move out tomorrow anyway. plus, i need to sell my computer. i want to leave this home on my own terms. that's the way that i moved in it, and that's the way that i would prefer to leave. there are not but two others still living here. the crackhead left today. it broke my heart that he didn't even think enough of me to say bye!! just joking!!................he knew that i didn't like him to begin with, and i held him partially responsible for the downfall of this house, but not my personal downfall. i did that without anybody's help.

i think that I've said enough for tonight. i might not post again for a while, but i will post again. to all those that i love,................i still love you. i only wish that u could have been better toward me in my time of desperate need. i only wanted to continue our conversation like it once was. i never wanted anything more than you just being my friend. I'm truly sorry that was too hard for you to do, but i still love you, and i do understand, or at least I'm trying to understand.
this is mr. illusion of confusion signing off for now, wishing you all, peace and happiness!!