what's that?

oh,...............so you say that it sucks to be me.

i wouldn't know that though, because i've always been me. i know that i've changed a bit over the years, but i've always been stuck inside this body. there are several things that i've not had that most people do. on the grand scale of life i might be what most folks consider to be a loser. actually, i probably am.

i've never owned my own home, and i've never owned a new car. actually, most of the things that i have owned was owned by somebody else before me. i've never had the same job, but a few days over three years. i've never had a relationship for much over three years either. that was about the maximum limit that women could tolerate me.

the more i write tonight the more i see that i am a loser!!                now,..... what do i do?     i'm 47 years old now, and i look at least ten years older than i am. my body is almost worn out. i have all kinds of physical problems, and you all know how mentally shot out that i am. i have nothing left but two bags of clothes, and no where to store them. i have no where to call home. i have no job, and no life.

yep,..............that's right,.............i may be a loser, but i wont apologize for it!! i've been this way for all my life, and don't have a clue how to change it.
there is one thing that this loser has going for him. i do have a burning desire to survive!! i'm not sure where this comes from either. if i could just lay down and die, i would surely take that option.
 committing suicide is not an option though. it's not been since my buddy killed himself several years ago. he was the best male friend that i ever had. he let life overwhelm him thought. it's not like i don't have a 99.9% fool proof plan, because i do. hell,............i'm on enough medication for blood pressure to do it. i take three different kinds everyday. not to mention the muscle relaxers, and pain pills that i take everyday for my back problems.
i know that my greatest strength comes from my belief in God. although, ...here lately my faith is failing. my faith in God is failing. not the fact that He has let me down. i'm the one that has been drawn away with the cares of life.  in my minds eye, and in my heart and soul i know that my relationship with the God of my understanding is truely my salvation. i'm not really concerned with offending anybody with my belief in God. it's my belief, and my faith. i don't want push it on anybody, but it is what i truly believe in.
i really don't hold tight to any religion. Jesus,........Himself talked about the corruptness of religion. He warned people not to get caught up in that madness. He simply said,.............believe!!

i guess this is the bottom line...................i never knew that i was a loser, until i was told that i was.  i guess that's the best that i can ever hope to be. i really don't mind being one, because that what i'm used to being.  the sad thing is that if i could go back and change my life from being a loser into something else deemed more important.......................i wouldn't change a thing!!             that simple act would change everything!! that means all the people that i've met, and all the ones that i have truly loved wouldn't have ever existed in my life.
i had rather continue on this path of being a loser than lose just one that meant something to me in my life!! yeah,........that's right!! i have enjoyed my life, because it's the only one that i've ever known. i have a sneaking suspicion that i'm fixin' to write another chapter in it. it's not over yet. there will be new characters, and new events to talk about, but it's not over just yet.

i need to thank the ones that made this whole thing possible. you know who you are. you are everybody that i have ever met.  i hope to take some of y'all into the next phase with me. there is a few that i need to leave behind, and you probably know who you are also.

             love y'all!!......................mister illuson of confusion.