i need to apologize because i was wrong. i couldn't see any hope because i was blinded by severe depression, and stricken by extreme grief. I've been to close to my own situation to see any thing, but my own failures. after reading my last blog it made perfect sense. if i could not bring a message of hope with most of what i write, then why write at all. I've always been fond of sharing my life with y'all, and it's actually been good for me. i know that it's not really exciting, but it has opened my eyes to a few things.
i also signed off until the day came when hope would finally arrive. the truth is today that hope did arrive, but it didn't come in the way that i was looking for it to arrive.
something has changed since i wrote that last blog. i reckon that i finally pulled my head out of my ass, and started to look around. i saw the most amazing thing................people. just because my life has flopped it didn't seem to effect them. they continued to live their lives exactly the same as always. they drive like hell up beach blvd, and up the dirt road that i live on. the only difference is that the ones on my road smile, and wave at me right before they cover me with dust and dirt.
people still shop, and waste all kinds of money on things to make them feel good. some are very nice, and some act like they were abused by their parents, or the wolves that raised them. I've saw all kinds of people riding bikes, mopeds, skateboards, skating, and walking. there were all headed to a destination, because life goes on.
i must admit that with my current state of mind, and the loneliness of wallowing on my own pity pot, i was quite upset by their reactions. did these people not care that my life had been reduced to a state of misery? wasn't there even one that would have some pity on me? could not even one give me some positive feed back on a bad situation?
then it donned on me...................no,..............no they couldn't. the reason being why they couldn't was because they don't even know me. they don't know what's going on in my life. i don't share the events of my life with but just a small handful, and the readers of this blog, and nobody reads this.
the honest truth is that i live the life of a recluse. when i go out in public i put on a false mask. i can walk around the grocery store, walmart, or any store talking with strangers like i had know them my whole life. i would do this at work when i worked for the Salvation Army. i was a hell of a salesman, because i was friendly, and that's all it takes to sell things. people know what they want to begin with. there is no pressure needed.
it's a totally different story at home, or around my neighborhood. it isn't that I'm not friendly, but i am quite anti-social. i speak to all my neighbors, but I've never had a real conversation with any. i know each one by face, and they know me the same way.
i stay in my own room most of the time. I've got everything i need in that room, but a fridge and toilet. those are the only two reasons that i need to leave my private asylum.
the problem is that i have trust issues with most folks. this is just one of my mental issues, and i don't think that it's really gonna get any better. if you are one of those that I'm open with then that means you are very special to me. you have managed to do something that most people, i want even allow to do, and that is to get close to me.
I've got way off track as usual. i said that i found hope, and i did. it's in others hope. right now any hope will do. the fact that others are still continuing on living their lives give me hope. the world has not come to an end. ( not yet anyway, but Obama is still working on it!!!) nothing has really changed other that my life, and it has to be from poor management. i can see where my poor choices have caused this to happen. it goes farther back to my bad choices that i made around three years ago. i took a sorry job with no benefits, because i didn't want any responsibility. i didn't know the events that would follow, but hind sight is 20/20.
i have fought with this radical change for a while now. nothing that I've done has stopped it. i have slowed it down a little, but still no reversal. I'm going into unknown territory. i have no idea what fate lies before me, but i have no choice but to head into it with an open mind. there has to be something good covered up by this disaster. I've really had a bad year this year, and nothing has worked out in my favor.
thinking back over the last couple years a lot of folks have lost everything that they had. people have went from having homes, and good jobs, to living in the streets or missions. some of these people lost more than I've ever had to begin with. still,..............everything,............is everything.
i do feel that the ones with more have suffered a greater loss than i have. i couldn't imagine having family out in the streets. i didn't have much going for me to begin with, but i was really comfortable with what i did have, and i feel blessed to have had it.
I'm still full of questions of why, but why doesn't really matter. all i need to do know is just continue to hold my head up, and face the music in front of me. if i keep the right attitude,..............just maybe I'll be able to dance to that music!!
i love y'all!!
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