yeah,..............i admit it..........

when you are kids the  grown folks are always asking you what you want to be when you grow up. depending on how old you are at the time you might have said different things. when your really young the effects of being a fireman, or police officer might be your answer. as you get a little older the life of a football player, or a rock star might be more appealing to you.
i know that i had big dreams, but they changed as often as the wind changed direction. i don't think that there was nothing that i didn't want to be, or accomplish in my life. for the life of me there was one thing that i never considered, or ever heard anyone else say. in all my life i never heard anyone say that the wanted to be severely addicted to alcohol or drugs. damn the luck though, that's exactly what i should have said. if i had said that i would have been correct in my call for my life.
I've often wondered why i was this way? what had i done to piss my creator off to the point that he cursed me with this affliction? i kept on asking these questions for about 40 years. i knew something was wrong with me. i knew that i was not your average bear, and i would die a horrible death, before i wanted to die. i had saw people that had this going on in their lives, and they were the loneliest people on the earth. i was doomed to create havoc in my life, and all those that i ever would touch.
all i had ever saw in the life of people like me was total misery. their families had long given up on them, and they had become a social outcast. they could only function at best, with their own kind, and most of the time they couldn't even tolerate them.
i spent about 20 years doing the treatment scene. i went from one form of treatment to the next. i failed at every attempt that i made to rectify my life. i was sure that i was going to die a lonely broken man way before my time.
one day something clicked inside of me. i started to notice that there were millions of people just like me, but they were free from the bondage that the alcohol, and drugs once had them bound with. i had tried my best to get free with the most popular programs that they had to offer, with no success. i had heard at the meetings that i needed to use what works for me, and simply leave the rest. all of a sudden it started to make sense.
i thought that i was a special case. i thought that God had cursed me in a way that i could never over come this affliction in my life, but this was just the illusion of confusion in my life.
now, the things that I'm fixing to say are of my opinion only. what ever works for you, simply works for you. i have no problem with whatever that is, and i wish you well in your recovery.
the a.a., and n.a. programs are good, but that wasn't enough for me. i had to re-think this thing, and find something that worked for me. i had become desperate, and i was willing to find a solution, no matter what it took.
the popular programs had a serious side of spirituality. i thought that maybe that was what i needed the most, and i was right. i needed to let my higher power set me free from this madness. am i saying that I've become a Jesus freak? not hardly, but i do recognize Him as my key in getting sober finally. do i go to the meetings?  nope,.......but i still live by the principals that they teach. do i think that I'm special, and it was just my time to get it right?   nope,...........not at all, because it has taken me some serious work to accomplish what I've accomplished so far,and I'm still learning every day.
do you really want to know what my solution was?    seriously?    you might find this hard to believe, but i was my own solution. the programs, and the Bible teach the same thing.
i had to come to believe several things. first thing that i had to trust something else with my life. i had already screwed it up, and that there was no hope for me fixing it. i had to learn to live again. forgetting everything that i thought that i had know before, because it apparently wasn't working out for me. then i had to try to straighten out my past, as best as i could. knowing that simply saying that i was sorry would never be good enough. i had to show a sincere effort to correct the wrongs that i had done, and leaving the results up to the God of my understanding.
most people will not understand what I'm saying here, but that's alright. only one person needs to understand it, and I'm not even sure who that one is. it's truly meant for the one that has suffered enough, and is ready to change it.
i find it hard to believe sometimes that what i thought was a curse on my life, actually turned out to be a blessing in disguise.     now i know.     now i know that my body can't tolerate the luxury of putting alcohol and drugs into it. i don't have the same reaction to them as a lot of people do. i can't even take the smallest drugs, without an adverse reaction to them, somewhere down the line...........now i know that i can't tolerate drugs in any form, and that is such a relief. if you can't do something, you simply can't do it!!

yeah,..........it's true. i am a person plagued with what is known as a disease, but i don't suffer any longer from it. the really good thing is that it only took me 40 years to find my solution. i rarely do this, but i believe this is an important cause. i don't feel that anybody should go through the hell that I've went through. if you have any questions, or comments, this one time I'm gonna give you my e-mail address.  it's   crmlyjms@yahoo.com . please contact me for anything that you need concerning your addiction problems. if i can't find a solution for you, i am willing just to talk with you until you figure out what will work in your life.

yeah,...............i admit it,.................I'm addicted to alcohol, and drugs, and that was the best thing that ever happened to me!!........................now i know!!!