i'm not sure how to start this, because my mind is a wonderful thing. i've been blessed, or cursed,.........you call it, because i can't,........i can actually think of more things at a time than one. now,......i'm not saying that i can concentrate that way, but it's not uncommon for me to have several things rolling around in my head at the same time.
with all that said,.........Bubba came to me the other day, and said that i might want to prepare to " ruff it " for a while. immediately, my spirit inside of me started rising up,........in silence,.........thinking , " ruffin' it?" where have you been ? i've been ruffin' it since i came out here. just how much rougher can it get?
then he stated that we couldn't afford for the electricity to be on. now,.......i've went through the whole range of emotions the last few days over this. kinda like the grieving process that most folks go through. i've blamed everything that could possibly be blamed including myself first and foremost. i thought if i had just gone to donate plasma more often then i have this month. if i had of just gone to bed with the sun, that could have saved some money.
i have really been twisted over this. it has been consuming my every thought for the last few days. i felt like such a failure, and that i had really let Bubba down. after all he was good enough to rescue me from the mean streets of Jax, and how have i repaid the debt,........by not doing my part!! what a loser i really am!!
thankfully, after going through that madness for a few days........i have come to this conclusion: the reason that we can't afford to have power right now is nobody's fault. we are simply victims of circumstance. it's a down hill trickle in a state of the economy of our nation, at the present time. there are families in this city that are in the same shape. i'm grateful that i'm the lone ranger in this mess. it would break my heart, and lead me into a life of crime if i had children doing without. there isn't a wonder that crime has got so high here lately, and i don't think that it's going to get better any time soon either. brothers are killing brothers right now for whatever they might have in their pocket at the time. the sad thing is that it's not for drugs like it used to be. it's for the basic necessities of life. before long you will hear stories coming out of the court system like this: why did you kill Mr. Jones? because my baby's were out of bubble bath, and you can't buy it with food stamps!!
back to the misery at hand: how do you prepare for such as this? the real deal is when the power gets shut off, so does the water. here one major company owns the water and lights. seeing how i am the loner that i am.......i've not got any friends that i will indulge help from. i've gotten in this mess, and i will come through it when the time is right.
there is no way to romanticize this venture for me. i've been through it before. i know the pain, and horror of not having basic utilities. i have been hard pressed to find something good in all of this. i guess this is the first time that i've been in this shape before with a house to live in. will that work? that's as positive as i can come up with right now. it will be good not to have to hang out in front of Winn-Dixie, on the sidewalk, for three days waiting for the rain to stop. Lord knows that our rainy season will start any day now.
here is another positive thing...........it will not change me!! it will not harden my heart, or rock my Spiritual life one bit!! it will not make me go out and beg, borrow, steal, or become a bum like it did the last time that i had this experience. i allowed the last time to strip my soul of anything good inside of it, and i'll be damned if that happens this time!! if i can't maintain my integrity, and live this way............then i will surely die with it intact!! thank goodness that some lessons leave you impacted with a truth strong enough that you will never forget.
that's enough for now. i will fill y'all in later with the final details,.........as soon as i figure out what they are?
...........much love
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