yeah,.............I'm talking about my words that you read. they are not important to most people. just to be drastically honest they shouldn't be, but they,........the words that i speak to you are very important to me.
i've always wanted my words to inform people to not live the life that i have, if it be possible. i've given the whole world the chance to learn through my fatal mistakes that i've made on my journey.
my life has not been all that glamorous, but it's been my life. i've made some catastrophic disastrous decisions that have shaped, and molded my life into what you have read about on a daily basis. the pain, and horror i've really lived through, and there is so much that i've not had the chance to tell you yet, and probably never will.
i have done something most people never will do. i've exposed myself to the world. there is nothing else hidden, nor that hasn't been revealed about me. i'm just an ordinary man struggling to make some sense out of life. i have dared to love, and i've been found not really fit to engage in a loving relationship. does that mean that i have completely given up on the idea of having a special love in my life? sadly,..........no. the reason being that if i've not learned anything else in my life, i have learned through personal experience that a person can never fully develop without the presence of love in their lives.
the good Lord knows that i've always struggled to fit in, but i have never made it a reality ......yet. i've always been standing outside looking in, and the truth be told, when i have been invited in it scared me. it just always looked way too good. how could it be possible?
i've sabotaged every chance that i've had to love, and to be loved. with the love so strong that i could not corrupt it.............i would simple disappear. i feel that i've done those justice that i ran from, but catapulted myself deeper into isolation.
in isolation i have found the comforting madness where i can hide, and not have to worry about hurting others, and even greater than me not hurting others, no one can hurt me. i have lived most of my life in the shadow of fear, but most people don't know that, because i have made myself invisible to them. i've worked my ass off to make sure that i was invisible just because of fear.
i'm really quite an emotional mess, and i do cry a lot. nobody has known this fact until right now. on the outside i appear to be fairly hard hearted, and show little emotion. that is a facade that i've played to the tee. secretly, i steal away into the privacy that i can find, and my heart simple breaks, and a river of tears stream from my eyes until i have shed all that i can muster up. i don't know if this is normal or not. i really don't care either. i just know that it has been normal for me, for a while now.
i'm quiet sure that my biggest problem in life stems from my Spirituality. the problem is that i know God. i've been touched by His miraculous mercy and grace in my life. i have walked, and talked with this highest Entity. i know the power of Jesus, and the only reason that my life is in such turmoil is my rebellious attitude toward Him. this is the greatest illusion of confusion in my life.
it honestly makes no sense at all. how could i turn from the only real thing in life that has given me the comfort that i need and desire? the level of peace that i experience with this relationship is totally uncanny. how could i make a conscious decision to live in total misery after being involved in such a deep intense relationship? what really happened to draw me away? even more than that...........why don't i simply go back?
i often feel like the prodigal son wallowing around in the pigpen of life. why do i do this, when i know that life is so much better with Jesus? you know that in my writings that i often talk about God. i am convinced that He is real. i am persuaded that His way is the only way for my life. i believe this as much as i believe the sun is going to rise in the eastern sky in the morning.
wow...........i said a lot today. i've bared my real heart with y'all today. it's kinda hard to believe that any one man could suffer all this self-inflicted torture, and be bold enough to expose himself like i do. the bottom line is that i'm truly insane with a big ole tender heart.
............much love
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