i've been thinking...........again?

i really have a problem, and i reckon it's the fact that i over think things a lot of times. I'm really bad to over analyze things.
honestly, I've been considering the fact of writing a blog anonymously. i think that i could make it more entertaining for the reader. the only reason that i started writing this to begin with was for my own healing from my past. do i really want to end this right now? have i been cured from the curse of my past life?
no, and yes...........i don't want to end it right now, but i do believe that the curse that i have lived under has been lifted.

my life that i live today is more sane than i can ever recall it being. on the other hand, there is so much that i don't write about, that i think would be highly entertaining, in a sick way. simply because i am sick to begin with. the day to day things that i encounter are very worthy of telling a good story. the only problem is that if I'm not hiding who i am, and it may hurt others. i don't want to risk that on several different factors.

i live in a large house with several different roommates. each one of them are unique in their own right. they each have some excellent qualities about them, and on the downside, some not so good.
i don't think that any of them know that i write this blog. if they did, i highly doubt that they would spend anytime reading it.
the bad thing is that if they ever did read it, they might be hurt, or offended by my perception of their actions. this is a risk that i really am not ready to leave to chance. i guess that i need to simply praise them for their good qualities, and not expose their faults for the entertainment of my readers.

stop,.............i need to stop right here and now, and say something!!............no matter what i perceive as quirks or faults about them,............mine has got to be far worse!! i have lived with myself much longer than any of these guys, and I'm sure that i have to do as strange, if not stranger things that they do. the problem is that i don't have an outside view on my madness. I'm used to the way that i act, so it's nothing abnormal to me.

i guess the first clue should be the name that i chose for my blog: Mr. illusion of Confusion.   now,........how whacked out is that? i try to show that tittle fits in most of my stories that i tell. it's all about me being confused, and perceiving something that is not quite what i thought it was to begin with. i try to show that no matter what I've experienced in my life the there is a bright lesson to be learned from this madness.
i don't feel that I'm a martyr, but i know that i have taken the long way around to learn most things that most people never have to experience. in other words, i have made some terrible choices in my life.
the good thing is that i have survived this long, and i have learned from my mistakes that I've made so far.
i still make mistakes everyday. the great thing is that i catch on quicker in my older years. aging has been a serious blessing for me to experience. i have lost almost all fear. you can tell that by what i write. i say things just like they are with no fear of doing farther damage to myself, but i never want to cause any damage to anybody else.

do i have any regrets in my life?.............sure i do, but don't we all?   the biggest regret that i have is the fact that i didn't start out with all this new found knowledge. i spent the first 40 years of my life as a damn fool!!   don't you think that that would upset you a bit if you did that?
the really good that i no longer have to live that way............no matter how much time that i have left to live. everyday day is a new day in my life. it don't matter what position that i hold in life. i know that the outcome of a day is pretty much in my hands. i have the choice to be happy, or to be sad.
we all need money to make it in this world,.............or do we?   does money really make us happy?  we all desire somebody to share this thing called life with also, but will that person that we choose really make us happy?
in all my great life experience that I've had so far, being lonely is a great pain that's best avoided. there is a greater pain than that though, or maybe a couple greater. it's been said that it's better to have loved, and lost, than never to have loved at all!! i can agree with that, but i know that it's even worse to be with the wrong one, rather than be alone. it's a living hell to love somebody that wont love you back also. there is no lesser of these two evils in my book. they both hurt like hell!!

any idea where I've wondered off to this time?  i always, or almost always  wander from the subject that i started writing about.  i think that i have fell into the pit of loneliness that i currently live inside . i love two women in my life, and I'm looking for my third adventure, and hopefully my last, and final one.

that's it,...............I'm gonna leave y'all hanging on that one...................i have no choice, but to close right now,.................because if I've even met the right one yet,..................i don't know it,..................but i know that she exist,....somewhere out there!!