life is tuff

i don't reckon that no one ever said that life would be easy,..............but does it need to be this hard?

i do try to maintain a fairly decent attitude most of the time, and i really think that i try to live by really good principles. i just don't understand why this year has been so difficult.
before anybody accuses me of being a whinner,...........ok,.............i admit that sometimes i am, but not this time. I'm going to state the cold hard facts, so that i might read back over it, and come to a working solution.

at the end of January i did something to my back. I'm really not sure what i did, or when i did it. because i was working at a worthless job i qualified for free medical from Shands hospital. i got the shands card a few months before.
my boss, whom i will not call by name, but i should so all the world can know how sorry that he is, replaced me even while i was out of work with a Dr.'s notice. i had worked for this man for the past 2 1/2 years with no benefits, and no raises. i know that i was acting foolish to have stayed that long, but the economy was diving hard to the south!! it wouldn't have really mattered though, because he replaced me in less than 10 days.

here i am with no income at all. i can't claim unemployment, because of the stipulation involved with getting unemployment. i can't claim Workman's comp., because i hurt my back on my day off. however, i did qualify for assistance from the government in food stamps.
I've had two trips to the emergency room with my back, and several appointments with my primary Dr. I've had both x-rays, and a MRI procedures performed on me, and they say that they can find anything wrong that would produce the pain that i describe. the Dr.s only solution was to give me narcotic drugs to ease the pain. i haven't done any drugs since 1998, and they worked for a while, but soon the effects wore off.
i still haven't saw a specialist yet, but i do have an appointment next month. my Dr. sent me to pain management, and that will be in about two weeks now.

the only reason that i still have a home is because of my income tax return, and I've sold everything of value that i owned. i might as well confess this little fact also. I've learned to beg charitable organizations to help me pay my rent. I've been looking for a job, but i still don't think that i could do one if i found it. my back is still pretty wrecked, but it fluctuates from day to day.

my Shands card has expired, and they want me to jump through some fiery hoops to renew it. i went to them honesty, and openly about my situation. now they want me to have official documentation of everything that i told them. i proved everything that i said, as it wasn't good enough for them. the bad thing is that they want everything dated with in two days of my next appointment. to say this is a major frustration is an under statement. i might just be paranoid, but i feel as if there are making an example out of me, for no reason.

i guess it would be fair to say that with all this going on that i got severely depressed. my good Dr. had prescribed my antidepressants to level me out, and cause me to enjoy life once again. the bottom line is that i was taking all kinds of different drugs to kill pain, both emotionally and physical. the strange thing was that they worked for a while, but it didn't take long for me to wind up in a world of poop!! actually, i was already there. i was just beginning to realize it.

if y'all have read any of this blog that i write then you know a little about me. you know that I've not always been the most outstanding citizen in my past. the thing is that I've been working pretty hard to change that in the past few years.
now I've been reduced to what i call being less than a man. I've gone from totally supporting myself to dependant  on somebody else. i don't work, and honestly have grown tired of looking. I'm tired of begging somebody else to do for me what i feel that i should be doing for myself.  my faith is starting to waver, because the Good Lord knows what my deal is, and it appears the He is not doing anything about it.
{ honestly,............i know that God is working in my like today, because if He's not, that i don't have a chance to begin with!!}

with all this going on in my life, and so much more that I've not even spoke about. there is something that disturbs me more than anything else. I'm not sure why it should either, but right now it does.
i don't have but less than a handful of people in my life that i really trust, and talk with. I've always thought that was enough, because they have been there for me to share my most intimate thoughts and feelings with. for some reason that i don't understand. my main two players have grown silent, and it such a way that i would be foolish to think that they cared anymore.
i have lost more people in my life that i would care to admit, but these two are heart-crushing to lose.  actually, losing both at the same time, just plays with my mind. i really don't know what to think about this?

OK,...............I've admitted what is going on with me right now, and has been going on for several months. i feel helpless about this situation, and my self-esteem is suffering badly. I'm at my wits end, and don't know what my next move should be. ................is there a next move to make?
I'm clueless here, and i really don't know what to do. I'm so lost in a world of funk. should i just give up, and vanish back into the world in which i came from?.......................or do i continue to fight for this new found freedom, in which i have come to love so dearly?

i would imagine if i write anything again, that y'all will know what i decided to do.