now this is funny.........i think? part one

this story is a riot!! at least to me it is. the fact that i lived through it should speak volumes, but on the same hand it's a tragedy. i guess you can decide how you see it.
thinking back about it this story has to be more tragic that anything else, but the ironic thing is that there is a really funny side to it. maybe I'm sicker than i think that i am, but again: you decide.


The Tornado..........

i had moved into a house trailer down in south Alabama with a friend. ( told you that I'm a redneck!!) we were together in a program down there, and decided that there was nothing that they could do for us, so we left together. although, the court system back home had sent me down there, and told me that if i didn't complete it that i would do time in jail.
you would think that i would have enough sense to stay two more months to complete, but i didn't.
we had been living in this ragged old house trailer for a couple weeks in the friggin' sticks. then one Sunday morning i heard the awfullest racket that i had ever heard in my life, and by the time i raised up of the couch to look all i saw was trees heading toward me. i rolled off the couch, and by the time i mumbled God help, and hit the floor it was over. it had lifted up.

it did slam two trees through the trailer. one just feet from where i was, and one through the bathroom. i guess i was in shock or something. i just sit back on the couch in a daze.
it wasn't long before camera crews where out there with the red cross. i really must have been messed up because i remember telling them that i was going to stay in the trailer. that trailer had been shook off its foundation, and kinda broke in the middle. hell, the doors wouldn't even close, and most of the windows were shattered.
the window that i looked out from normally, you could see nothing but woods. when i looked again there was about a 300 yard path with nothing but snapped trees, and foundations where homes used to be.
i guess the man that owned the trailer must had got through to me. he told me to get whatever i wanted to take, and get the hell out!!

the red cross and the motel............

the red cross people were still in the area when the guy that i was living with came home. he talked with them, and got us a free motel room for a week, and some food vouchers. i sat in that motel room along all week. he was a rich kid. well,.............his grandmother was rich. she owned one of the biggest trucking lines in Alabama. kinda makes you wonder what he was doing in that trailer to begin with.....don't it? needless to say, he decided to go back to grandma's house.
i was in pitiful shape. i didn't have a job, and no home to call my own. i certainly couldn't go back home, because i greatly feared any jail time at all. i was stuck in this really small town, and today was my last day at the motel. to make matter worse the holiday season had begun, and no jobs were to be found anywhere!!

the woman.........

yep,............that's right,................there is always a woman. this is not your run to the mill woman either. me and my buddy had given this special woman a special name. in the program that we were in they make you go to meetings, and we noticed her there. she would single out a guy, and before you would know it, he would stop going to the meetings. therefor, we called her the relapse provider!!!
she was really an attractive woman, and both of us would talk with her. on my last day at the motel my friend showed up, and said that she wanted to help me out.  no,........he couldn't say it with a straight face either, and i nervously laughed with him.
i really didn't have a choice at the time, so i agreed to stay with her for a while. i didn't realize that she lived seven miles in the sticks either!! the first few days wasn't bad at all. she seemed to have this child like trust in me. she worked two jobs, and she was gone most of the time. i was thinking that this wasn't a bad deal at all. then something happened...................and i never saw it coming!!
she began to nag, nag, nag, and if that wasn't bad enough, she put nag, on top of nag!!  sweet mother of God!! she was driving me nuts!!
it was a 14 mile round trip to the closest town. which i had got to the point of walking daily just to get away from her. while i was in the program i had regularly schedules appointment with the mental health people, and they gave me a supply of drugs to slow my mind down, so i could concentrate better.  nothing could have relieved the misery that i was in staying in this woman's house at the time.

the beginning of sorrows................

life had become unbearable for me at this point and time. i sat on her couch one day, clutching a bottle of bourbon, and thinking some really good thoughts. I'm not sure what happened to them, because the one that i stuck with was not all that good.
i was talking to myself, and asking myself questions like, " what do most people do that are as miserable as i am right now?" a it hit me like a ton of bricks..................they commit suicide!!
i was in a heaping pile of trouble now, because i couldn't commit suicide. my best friend ever had just done that a couple years before, and i was left hold the bag full of pain and guilt where i didn't stop him. i could never pass that bag on to any other human being!!
i reckon the bourbon was in control now, because i have no idea where this thought came from, or what i thought that it would accomplish.  i decided that if i couldn't commit suicide. i would do the next best thing,..........i would fake a suicide attempt!!

911.............what is your emergency?.................

yep,.............that's right,.............i called 911, but it didn't quite go like i had planned for it to. i told the operator that i was drinking bourbon, and just took a handful of haldol. that's the drug they gave me at mental health. i had not really took any pills, but i knew if i said that i was just drinking, and thinking about suicide that all i would get was a free trip to jail.
the operator put me on hold while she sent an ambulance out to the place that i was at. then she came back, and ask me the silliest question. can you give me directions to where you located?
now,.........i always thought that when you called 911 that they knew right where you were, before i had even heard a voice. i had no idea where i was at besides being the the friggin' sticks. i was thinking what else can go wrong now? i didn't have a clue, but i was fixing to find out.
i told her to just forget about me. i was going to start walking, and if i made it to a pay phone i would try this again. then i slammed the phone down!!
i used to have a hell of a temper, and drinking whisky just poured jet fuel on an open flame. in my mind i had convinced myself that i was going to die from the drugs that i had taken. although, i hadn't really taken any. i guess that is what you would call extreme roll playing!!
i took off walking with bourbon in hand. i had forgot that the closest pay phone was about five miles down the road. nothing was close to where i was at, little lone any sign of civilization. by the time that i saw the phone all the whisky was gone, and to say that i was ripe was an understatement.
this time calling 911 i put on a stellar performance. the lady on the phone said that she knew right where i was at, and an ambulance had been dispatched. i just hung the phone up, and sit on the ground leaning back on the booth.
a few minutes had passed when i heard the sounds of sirens coming up the road. i staggered to my feet, relieved that i hadn't died yet. the sounds got closer, and closer. i could see the flashing lights now.  as the ambulance got near i noticed that they wasn't slowing down. the just sped right past me, and i watched then until they had gone from my vision.
by this time i was livid!! i wasn't sure what to do. do i call back, and tell the lady that they just passed by me, or do i just walk back, and hope that we all can simply forget about it? i should have just took the latter choice, but you know that i didn't. i called her back, and just raised hell with her, then she asked that fatal question once again. " can you tell me where your located?" i started screaming into the phone, " yes i can tell you where I'm located. I'm going back to the house where i was to begin with if i can make it, and die on the couch!!"
i probably hadn't staggered of a quarter mile when an ambulance pulled over to the side of the road. i was furious about several things. the main one being if this had really been a suicide attempt, i would have already been dead!! second being, all the trouble that i was going through just to escape the misery that i was in.

an all new and different misery...................

by the time that i finally made it to the emergency room i was drunker than cooter brown, and i was a hand full. i guess that protocol on an overdose was to pump the stomach, but i wasn't having it. they couldn't get enough people to hold me down while they straped me down either. there was no way that i was going to let them shove a tube down my nose into my stomach.
then they gave me something to drink that would make me sick enough to throw up. they said that it wouldn't take but a few minutes to work, but an hour later i was still sitting on a gurney with my feet dangling off. the Dr. came to me, and said that they were running out of time, and needed to pump my stomach to get whatever pills that was in there out. of coarse i refused again, so they gave me some more of that stuff to drink. 15 minutes later i exploded with a fury, and passed out.

the end is not coming soon...............

when i woke up i was in a place that i didn't recognize being in. i was laying in a bed wearing a hospital gown. there were all different kinds of machines hooked up to me. i went to raise up, and i was totally strapped down to the bed. i guess that they took the opportunity to do all this while i was passed out, because i wasn't the friendliest patient to begin with.
a few hours later the Dr. came to visit. he just said that it was routine to keep me in the intensive care ward for 24 hours observation, and they would cut me loose in the morning. they never freed my arms, or even let me eat anything until the next day.

well,............the doc didn't lie.............

i laid there most of the night wondering what i was thinking that pulling this stunt would accomplish in changing my miserable life. i was only a few hours away from walking back out the door, and i was in the same mess as before i started this madness. i must have been crazy to think that this would solve anything at all.
the next morning came really quick. the doc walked in, and ask if i was ready to go.  as i was saying yes to him, two deputies walked in the room.
i knew that something wasn't right, and i began to question it. the doc said that i had a court date set, and i was going to the psychiatric ward in a larger hospital until such time for my safety. i couldn't run, because i was still strapped down, and those deputies were fully armed, and looked like they were just waiting for me to give them an excuse to pull out the power!!

confusion or paranoia.......is there a difference........................

needless to say, i was utterly confused at this time. the past 36 hours had been a living hell by my own making, and i was suffering extreme paranoia about the events to come. they finally told me where the hospital was located that was going to be my new home for the next month. yep,.........that's right,...........i didn't stutter,..........i said month. it was 50 miles away in opelika Alabama.
the strange thing was all i was thinking about is my naggin' woman problem had been solved. i knew when i eventually got free once again, that i would never see her again. i didn't worry about my stuff at her house either, which was everything that i had in this world. i was content with the clothes that i was wearing when this adventure started a few hours ago. even if they wouldn't let me wear them right now.

psych ward................

this was the first time that i ever had the privilege to be locked up in a psych ward. i have no fond memories of it at all. actually, i have very few. they must have kept me pretty drugged up the whole time that i was there.
the first thing that i can tell you is that the first three days i was a special guest in the white room. I've heard about this all my life, but i never figured that i would be in one. it is a padded cell to say the least. the walls, the floor, and even the ceiling is padded, and everything is a glaring white color. it's one of those things that will push you over the edge if your not crazy already, and at this point i was wondering if i really was or not!!
the only other thing that i can really tell you about was the fact that i spent Christmas in there. it was my first Christmas away from family and friends ever, and i wasn't joyous at all about being there.

court day had finally got here................

all this time being locked up in that hole that they call a psych ward for my protection i never had anybody explain to me why i was going to court. this day they came a little closer. two deputies took me to court that morning, and they said it was a competency hearing to determine whether or not i was competent to stand trial. they never said what the trial was for, but just to make sure that i was competent enough to do it.

now, if my life hadn't gone on a direct southern dive since i made that fatal decision to fake a suicide attempt, check this out. i still remember it like it happened yesterday. word for word.
the kept me outside the courtroom until the judge was ready to see me. when they finally led me in to see him there wasn't many people in the room. the deputies told me to go stand before the judge by myself. i thought wow!!  are you serious?  i can really walk a few feet without an escort?  i did say thought. i wasn't bold, or stupid enough to say it out loud in fear of being strapped down to a chair, and rolled in front of the judge.
here is the brief conversation between the judge and i that morning:
" good morning Mr. Crumly."
" good morning your honor."
" we are here today to find out if your competent enough to stand trial" do you feel that your competent enough?"
" yes your honor i am competent enough to stand trial" " i just don't know what kind of trial that your talking about?"

in one swift motion, and breath this is what the judge said: " thank you for your input, and this court has noted it, but we the court find you incompetent at this time, and remand you to the grill Alabama state mental hospital until such a time as they deem you competent!!"           now,..........talk about the execution of swift justice!! i couldn't believe my ears!! i was left standing there with my jaw laying on the floor!! i couldn't have said a word right then, and you know that i wanted to say plenty of them!!!

the end of life as i had known it.......................

for the first time that i can remember somebody was able to silence me, and that judge did it. i remained silent all the way to my new destination. i quickly realized once i got there that i was a fish out of water.  once i was released from the white room at the psych ward i was around people that i could relate with, but this was a whole new ball game.
although, i never saw any of the criminally insane i did see that everyone around me was crazy. i just knew that i had died, and this was my hell!! i had only been there a few minutes, and already i was wondering if i would ever be allowed to leave?

later that night i had my first interview with a doctor. he would ask me questions without ever looking at me. general knowledge question like what day it was, what year it was, what month it was, and who the president was. seeing how it was January of an election year i first got it wrong, but quickly recovered with the correct answer. at that point the doctor dropped his pen, and stopped writing. he leaned back in his chair, and started looking at me in silence. then he asked me why i was there, and i told him that the judge had sent me.
he ask that question once again, and i started to tell him the whole story. he stopped me, and excused himself.
a few minutes later he appeared again with another doctor, and said continue please. i told the whole story from beginning to end, and both Dr's. looked at each other. then the other Dr. began to speak.
he said that he could tell me why i was there, and hesitated a bit. in my mind he was about to say the worse thing that i could hear, but he didn't.
he said that the only reason that i was there was because i had pissed the right people off that had some connections!! that was the first thing that i had heard since this whole ordeal started that made any sense. a relief came over me that i hadn't felt in months. we talked for a few more minutes on a personal level. it felt good not to be talked down to for a change.
i ask him what my trial was for, and he looked puzzled. he grabbed my paperwork, and flipped through it. he said that there isn't a trial date for anything, and this was my last stop. he also said that they would have to hold me there for a minimum of two weeks to run some test, and make sure that i didn't belong there, just to cover their own butts.

grill,............a blessing in disguise.....................

the next two weeks seemed to creep on by. i was not comfortable at all around crazy people. at any given time there would be 50 of them in the t.v. room. the bad thing was that the volume was turned full blast, but it was impossible to hear with 50 conversations going on at the same time with 50 other people that i couldn't see, or maybe more. who am i to limit their invisible friendships?
i took every test imaginable in those two remaining weeks. the good think is that i passed them all with flying colors. the i.q. test results amazed me, because i had never taken one before, and i never even thought that i could score that high.   no,.........I'm not going to reveal what my score actually was, but i impressed myself with it.
the state mental hospital knew that they had a resident that shouldn't have ever been there, but i wasn't their first either, and I'm sure that i wasn't the last. they treated me well as they could. they went out and bought me new clothes, and shoes. they gave me an allotment of cash money also. my every need was met while i was there including balanced conversations with all the staff.
when it come time to leave they offered me a monthly check for the rest of my life, which i declined. most of my life i thought that if things get bad enough i would pull the crazy card, and be set for the rest of my life. actually living with this madness for two weeks taught me to be grateful for the limited sanity that i have actually got. i no longer even thought about being crazy, or attempted to pull the crazy card ever again. I've always been pretty much simply satisfied with what life has given me.
on my way out the door i was asked once again, " is there anything that we can do for you before you go? we mean anything, and the check is still up for grabs.
i stood there silent for a few seconds reflecting on this was the exact way that i had arrived, and then i spoke. i said there was one more thing that they could do for me. can you tell me where the nearest bus stop is, because I'm outta here!! i walked out the door with a smile across my face with no destination. all i had was what i had been wanting for a few months now...................my freedom!!!

love in the nut house.......................

i can't end this tale of tragedy, and comedy without telling this. I'll have to ask a question though. do you think that love can exist in the nut house?
apparently it can, and did during my visit. while i was there there was a young woman that had been there for a few years. i could tell that she was sweet on me by the way she acted. anything i was in a room she would come sit beside me, and would eventually talk to me. she had a real problem with staying on tract with her conversations, but she genuinely tried so hard that i learned to tolerate her effort. actually, i was starting to enjoy her company, and then she moved up a level.
this girl started wearing make-up just for me. I'll never forget the first time she walked into the room that i was in all made up. she actually, had no style with wearing make up. she would just put it on her face anywhere that she seen fit. she might line her eyes with lip stick, or use it as a rouge, but she rarely wore it on her lips. her eyeliner could go any place to, but never over her eyes. honestly, she still looked better than Tammy Faye Baker did most nights!! she was a mess though, but she was doing all to impress me.
i told her that i was leaving about three days before i did. she took it up another level. she began to sit beside of me, and pull her shirt off. every time she did this, someone would escort her out of the room. it wouldn't be but a few minutes that she would appear once again fully dressed, but not for long though. that shirt had to come off to impress me.
actually, her breast were very impressive, but i realized that they were attached to the mind of a child. i had grown fond of her, but only as a friend.
my last day there she brought me a bunch of papers to read. they were legal papers from a lawyer. it turned out that all her family had passed on, and she was all alone in this world. the sad thing was that she was worth millions!! she had far more than enough money to live the rest of her life on. the fact that she shared all of this with me according to the staff was remarkable. they said that she never let anybody else know that about her, and she had never took a shine to anybody like she did me.
i think about her all the time, and I'm confused. why can't i meet a woman who will put all that effort into getting my attention the way that she did? this girl did everything in her power to have me,................and to me, ............that is impressive!!!