i'm stuck!!

if i were to say to y'all that I've been through hell in my life, it would be an understatement!! i have walked through the fiery pits, because of my own bad choices. this fact i have no doubt is very true.
i don't get scared easily, but right now I'm terrified of the events that are going on in my life today. the thing that scares me the most is the fact I'm considering just giving up, and vanish from most of society.
i have this run mentality. i just want to vanish, and reappear in a place that nobody knows me, so i want have to feel the guilt about giving up.

desperate times, call for desperate measures......

the bad thing is that i keep re-playing in my mind the events of my past. i was totally miserable, and i new that i was a failure. i caused hurt and destruction every where that i went, but none so much as in my life. i just kept doing the things that i knew better than to be doing, and expecting different results from them. all in all, the results were always pretty much the same, but maybe with a different twist.
I'm in a really bad place right now. I've been a man for the last few years that has know no fear, and all of a sudden i am consumed with great fear. things that didn't bother me before now have me terrified, and i really can't say what from. my life, as the best i can tell, is melting down right before my eyes. the really bad thing is that it's been doing it all this year, and i keep wondering what is going to happen next?

they say,........don't quit before the miracle happens............


that's what i really need right now is a miracle. I'm not stranger to receiving miracles in my life either. i had so many miracles that has happened in my life, that i don't believe in them, but I've come to rely upon them!!
I'm not a religious man, but i am highly Spiritual. i believe in Jesus, and i believe in God, and for me my Spirituality is my only way past this chaos in my life right now.
i know in my heart that if i will just hold on, and live my life one day at a time that everything is gonna work out to my good. right now,........ that is a whole lot easier said than done.  my faith is on shaky ground, and i know that is not good.

letting those down that love me..............

I'm not trying to toot my own whistle, or blow my own horn, or even pat myself on my own back, but i will if needed. i know that there are people that love me, and are proud of how I've changed my life. i also know because of my transformation, that other lives have been touched, and forever to the good.
this is another reason that i can't just give up. i feel responsible to those that love me. even if they no longer confess that i have made a difference. i know in my heart that i have a few, and couldn't even start to know how many that i really have helped changed their lives.
the honest truth is that when i set out to change my life that others were affected by my choices that i made in the process. this is why i want to disappear to a place that nobody knows me, so i can live like hell with no consequences to anybody but me!! still,...........that is not good enough. i started something a few years ago that i can't let loose of today. i have found a way of life that finally agrees with me.
as bad as it has become right now, i know that it can get far worse, and honestly,............i don't think that i have enough life left in me today to get it right, one more time.

the bottom line.............

the bottom line is today is that I'm a survivor, and if i can just stay within 24 hours..........i will make it!! it really tough right now, but somehow, and someway, I've made it to this point. i know that my God has brought me this far for a reason,..............and i know that it wasn't to drop me on my head.
I'll try to do better tomorrow, but right now this is where I'm at. i really need to write about what's going on in my sick head right now, because believe it or not,.............it gives me hope.
speaking of hope,.............i'm hope this is just another illusion of confusion in my life today!!