do you ever get so consumed with something in your head that it changes the outside appearance of who you are? what I'm saying is.........i guess,.........that you worry about it so much,...........and for so long,........that it steals your concentration of things, and holds you captive in the darkest part of your mind. can't i get an amen on that one? am i just talking foolishness, or does somebody understand where I'm coming from?
actually,...........there is something good laying underneath that statement that i just made. it's called being paxcil free!! i'm rejoining the ranks of you that face life head on without a life jacket. i can no longer just take what comes my way with a grain of salt. i'm back to my old self again worrying about stuff that i can't change, and sweating the small stuff. honestly,.............can i be honest with you right now? i really don't like it!! not one bit!!
i'm glad that i came off the paxcil without having to lose part of my mind like i did the last time. sadly, there is a reason that my Dr. put me on that drug to begin with. the truth is that i needed a little help with my balancing act of life. i had got to the point of worrying about all the "what if's " in my life. instead of taking life as it came to me, and dealing with what i needed to, and turning the stuff that i had no control over loose. i would concentrate more on the "what if's", and not address the original problem.
in other words,.........were getting into some straight talk now,..........i was living in a fantasy. i was dealing with the issues in my life that wasn't happening yet, and may have never happened if i didn't draw them out.
you might think that i used paxcil as a crutch,.............and i did. a crutch that helped me hobble through my life, instead of running around like a mad man creating all kinds of havoc in my life. do you know what happens when a person has way too much havoc piled up in the corner? it called a nervous breakdown. it's time to issue out the rubber pajamas, and spend a little time in the white room!!
i am grateful to God that i've never been put in that room ............yet!! i've saw a few people visit that room, and the only thing that i found appealing at all was that shot that they give them!!
the part that i found interesting...........very interesting,.............was the fact that i've not seen anyone take that shot willingly. they have all put up a fight not to have what appeared to me to be one of the best shots that you can take!! within 30 seconds of that needle leaving their body..........the room was empty, save the babbling fool that took the shot to begin with!!
i've begged staff members of psychotic wards to give me that shot, and they would just laugh at me. one even went as far to say that there were things in that vial that possibly push me right over the edge. that i would fall so deep into the udder madness of my mind, that i might never return to sanity.
i was shocked at what she said, but at the same time i was thinking,............does she really think that I'm sane? i felt like grabbing her shoulders, and shaking her while screaming in her face,............" look around lady!! I'm in the same holding pen as the rest of these nuts!!" i bet if i had done that little action that they would have given me that shot!!
this is sad,............very sad,.............really,.........really sad. honestly,...........i am no crazier than most folks that you will ever meet. oh,.............i thought that i was at one time, and i truly wanted to be, for reasons that i can't possibly explain. i've even tried to convince Dr.'s that i was at least one banana short of a whole fruit basket, but they wouldn't even buy into the reality that could be a possibility.
i worked my way up from the small time shrinks to the state mental hospital once. i want to stress the word once, because that's all it took to change my mind.
it started with my intake interview. this Dr. was asking me questions, and i was answering him the best that i could. he never even looked up at me. he just kept staring down at the notebook in front of him, and taking notes. finally, he dropped his pen, and stretched out in his chair, and looked my direction.
he had a look on his face of anger, and sharply asked me another question. he said, " why in the hell are you here?"
i thought about it for a second, and i replied, "because a judge sent me here." he just stared at me while shaking his head, and repeated his question. i bowed my head while the words simply poured out my lips, that i didn't have a clue why i was here.
the Dr. rared back in his chair while looking at me hard, and said," your here because you pissed the wrong person off that had the power to put you here!!"
well,..........i didn't doubt that one bit, because i had made a hobby out of pissing folks off. i just rubbed the one that could do something about it in the wrong way. i still to this day do not know who it was that actually pulled the strings that opened the nuthouse doors for me.
the doc said that i would have to stay a minimum of two weeks for testing to be performed on me, and that was just to cover his ass. he had to prove that i was a good candidate to live among the free people of this world.
like i said before,...........once,...........was all it took for me to be in that situation!! i saw what being crazy was all about. i shared a room with a lunatic that will never see freedom in the real world in his life once again. i shared meals with people that i can't see why they are still alive, because you just one chance to eat, and they would choose to throw their food at somebody else.
i tried to sit in the television room, and check out the tube. the only problem was that there were 50 folks in that little room with me, having 50 different conversations with 50 different people that i couldn't see!! the sad thing is that the t.v. was turned up at the maximum level that was possible.
the mental hospital itself was good to me. they bought me new clothes, and shoes. they even gave me money to buy what i wanted. no matter what anybody done for me on a positive mode............the truth was that i was trapped in a living hell!!
a couple days before i was to be released i had my case worker pay me a visit. she explained to me that i automatically qualified for a Government check for the rest of my life for simply being there for my short time. she also said that they would help me find suitable housing, so i wouldn't be wandering around the streets. then she asked me if there was anything that i needed, or wanted? i sit there looking at her for what seemed like forever,.............then i spoke. yeah,............there is something that i want, and need for you to do for me. i don't want a check from anybody, and i don't want help with my housing. the only thing that i want from any of y'all is to wave goodbye to me,....................because it will be the last time that you will ever see, or hear anything from me!!
once i walked out that door everything seemed different for a while,..........a short while then reality kicked in. why did i turn down that check? i could use that money to buy me a cold beer right now, and i could be drinking it in my own place. oh well,............life will surely go on from this point,............and it still is!!
..........much love
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