sadly,............the real me. i can't hide behind Mr. Illusion on this one. i am so damn depressed!! why, do you ask? well,..........do i really need a certain reason when everything works just fine?
maybe,........it's the weather? i got my hopes up for a rainy day today, and it ain't happened yet. i love a rainy day, and today was forecast to be stormy all day starting about nine o' clock last night. as far as i can tell we've had no real rain, and i've yet to hear any thunder what-so-ever..........yet.. yep,............that's right,...........i still have my hopes up for a rainy day. it's dark outside, and looks like a good possibility for rain. i just looked at the radar.........again, and there is rain all around us.
it's 2 o' clock P.M., and i still have my night time apparel on. why would i want to put clothes on? if it will rain it will make me feel better. actually, I'm looking for a storm, so there is no reason that i should leave the house for anything. just to be honest,..........I'm not walking out of the house today anyway. i would just feel better about my decision if there were a real reason to keep me inside today. you know what I'm saying,...........i need something to cover up the real reason that i don't want to go outside.
my body is so out of whack!! i've got 6 or 8 bottles of medication that i used to take daily that i no longer have the pleasure of taking. things like blood pressure, heart, pain, and mental drugs for depression. i was lucky enough to come up with some Zoloft for depression, and I'm self-medicating at 100 mg. a day. i thought what the hell,..........can it be any worse? if it would get in my system any quicker i would take more of them!!
i have just a few blood pressure medicines left to take, and when they run out........i will have hell to pay!! the last time that i ran out my pressure was hovering at 180/120. yeah,..........that's right,.........that kind puts some people in the grave, or gives them a stroke. i've already had two strokes, and another one will probably put me in the ground. fortunately, the last time that i ran out just made me sick as all hell. i had a massive headache, and the only reason that i went to the hospital was because i was thinking that i was having another heart attack. they kept me in the cardiology unit for a couple days, and got me straightened on out.
right now my heart is working way too hard. i can feel every time that it beats. it's running between 110-125, at least when i check it. there ain't no telling what it's doing when I'm out in the sun. it actually beats so hard that i'm getting short winded, and threatening to pass out often. yep,..........i know,.........this is not good!!
it's really affecting my sleep also, because i lay there and feel my heart pounding away. i just doze of, and on all night long. i really don't get the type of sleep that i need to heal myself.
then,.........I'm worried about the only way that i have of making any money right now. which is donating plasma. if i ever do get my heart beat low enough to donate the end result is deathly sick for a couple days. I'm not fit to do anything, but sit here and pray that i don't die!! that's no way to live, but i feel responsible to Bubba to help with the bills. we only have the electric, and water to worry about, but he is unemployed right now also, and plasma is basically his only way to get money. i don't think that it's fair for me not to at least try to do my part with helping. he was good enough to take me in while i was homeless, and besides that he is my friend!!
i really can't imagine that things will get any better before they get even worse. I'm not sure that i will be able to survive much worse. i might just have to wonder off where nobody knows me, and just simply die. honestly,.......it's looking that way. you would think in today's time that somebody would donate the medication that i need to live, and write it off their taxes. i never even realized that these pills were keeping me alive and healthy, until i ran out of them.
it's sad to think that a few pills each day makes such a difference in my life. actually,.........they make all the difference!!
it's three now,...........and still no rain!! i've set in my easy chair all morning long, and wrote blogs, and that's probably all I'll do today. i probably should eat something, but I'm really not hungry. i really don't feel like putting any food in my system. that's probably a sign of depression. you know there is something wrong when a big old corn feed country boy like me has no desire to eat.
maybe,.........just maybe,..........i have a secret desire just to go ahead and die. i don't really think that i do, but I'm damn sure acting like it. however,.........I'm not starving myself to death. i plan to cook a great meal of chicken tenders with biscuits, and gravy for supper. if God be willing, and the creek don't rise,.........that's my plan. how in the hell could the creek rise without any friggin' rain anyway?
trust me,...........you have not heard the last of my misery today. I'm really not complaining, or bitchin'..........I'm just telling it like it is!! even though I'm at a low point in life right now,........i do realized that i have been very blessed. I'm quite sure that the time I'm living on right now is borrowed time anyway. i ain't never done nothing to deserve it, so it has to simply be Grace.
...........much love
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