Author Unknown

Do You Know Bubba?

Bubba was bragging to his boss one day.  "You know, I know everyone there is to know.  Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff.  "Ok, Bubba, how about Tom Cruise?"  "Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."

So Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door.  Sure enough, Tom Cruise shouts, "Bubba!  Great to see you!  You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"  Although impressed, Bubba's boss is still skeptical.  After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba's knowing Cruise was just lucky.

"No, no, just name anyone else," Bubba says. "President Bush," his boss quickly retorts.  "Yes," Bubba says.  "I know him.  Let's fly out to Washington."  And off they go. At the White House, Bush spots Bubba on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Bubba, what a surprise.  I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and share a cup of coffee first and catch up."

Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced.  After they leave the White House grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba, who again implores him to name anyone else.

"The Pope," his boss replies.  "Sure!" says Bubba.  "I've known the Pope a long time."  So off they fly to Rome.  Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Bubba says, "This will never work.  I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people.  Tell you what.  I know all the guards, so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."  Bubba disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican.  Sure enough, half an hour later, Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony.

By the time Bubba returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.  Working his way to his boss' side, Bubba asks him, "What happened?"  His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, "Who's that on the balcony with Bubba?"

- Author Unknown –

SAY WHAT?

After being interviewed by the school administration, the eager teaching prospect said:
"Let me see if I've got this right.  You want me to go into that room with all those kids, and fill their every waking moment with a love for learning?  I'm supposed to instill a sense of pride in their ethnicity, modify their disruptive behavior, observe them for signs of abuse and even censor their t-shirt messages and dress habits.  You want me to wage a war on drugs, check their backpacks for weapons of mass destruction, and raise their self-esteem?"
"You want me to teach them patriotism, good citizenship, sportsmanship, fair play, how to register to vote, how to balance a checkbook, and how to apply for a job?  I am to check their heads for lice, maintain a safe environment, recognize signs of anti-social behavior, offer advice, write letters of recommendation for student employment and scholarships, encourage respect for the cultural diversity of others, and oh, make sure that I give the girls in my class 50% of my attention?"
"My contract requires me to work on my own time after school, evenings and weekends grading papers.  Also, I must spend my summer vacation at my own expense working toward advance certification and a Masters Degree?  And on my own time, you want me to attend committee and faculty meetings, PTA meetings, and participate in staff development training?"
"I am to be a paragon of virtue, larger than life, such that my very presence will awe my students into being obedient and respectful of authority.  You want me to incorporate technology into the learning experience, monitor web sites, and relate personally with each student?  That includes deciding who might be potentially dangerous and/or liable to commit a crime in school.  I am to make sure all students pass the mandatory state exams, even those who don't come to school regularly or complete any of their assignments.  Plus, I am to make sure that all of the students with handicaps get an equal education regardless of the extent of their mental or physical handicap?"
"And I am to communicate regularly with the parents by letter, telephone, newsletter and report card.  All of this I am to do with just a piece of chalk, a computer, a few books, a bulletin board, a big smile AND on a starting salary that qualifies my family for food stamps!"
"You want me to do all of this and yet you expect me . . . NOT TO PRAY?!?!?

- Author Unknown –

Potty Talk

The story is told of a lady who was rather old-fashioned, always quite delicate and elegant, especially in her language.  She and her husband were planning a week's vacation in Florida, so she wrote to a particular campground asking for a reservation.

She wanted to make sure the campground was fully equipped, but didn't quite know how to ask about the toilet facilities.  She just couldn't bring herself to write the word "toilet" in her letter.  After much deliberation, she finally came up with the old-fashioned term BATHROOM COMMODE.  But when she wrote that down, she still thought she was being too forward.  So she started all over again and rewrote the entire letter referring to the bathroom commode merely as the BC.  "Does the campground have it's own BC?" is what she actually wrote.

Well, the campground owner wasn't old-fashioned at all, and when he got the letter, he just couldn't figure out what the woman was talking about.  That BC business really stumped him.

After worrying about it for awhile, he showed the letter to several campers, but they couldn't imagine what the lady meant either.  So the campground owner, finally coming to the conclusion that the lady must be asking about he local Baptist Church, sat down and wrote the following reply:

Dear Madam:  I regret very much the delay in answering your letter, but I now take pleasure in informing you that a BC is located nine miles north of the campground and is capable of seating 250 people at one time.  I admit it is quite a distance away, if you are in the habit of going regularly, but no doubt you will be pleased to know that a great number of people take their lunches along and make a day of it.  They usually arrive early and stay late.  It is such a beautiful facility and the acoustics are marvelous.  Even the normal delivery sounds can be heard.

The last time my wife and I went was six years ago, and it was so crowded we had to stand up the whole time we were there.  It may interest you to know that right now a supper is planned to raise money to buy more seats.  They are going to hold it in the basement of the BC.

I would like to say it pains me very much not to be able to go more regularly, but it surely is no lack of desire on my part.  As we grow old, it seems to be more of an effort, particularly in cold weather.

If you do decide to come down to our campground, perhaps I could go with you the first time you go, sit with you, and introduce you to all the other folks.

Remember, this is a friendly community.

Sincerely,
Campground Owner


- AUTHOR UNKNOWN -