I've probably tried to write this at least two, or three times a day for the last five days. I've never completed it because I've been suffering from anger, almost to the point of rage. i used to have severe anger issues, and i know when I'm in that way that it's best to not even speak, little lone write.
most people that know me personally know that i injured my back in January this year. I've not worked a day since that, and i have no income at all. I've sold everything that i had of any value, except my bicycle to pay my rent, and for basic necessities. after that money ran out I've been going to charitable organizations to get help with my rent. because i have no income i qualified for food stamps, and free medical from a Shands card.
going from a man that works for his living to this creature that I've become has had a serious toll on every fiber of my being. i have been drained of all the good that once was inside of me. to say the least, I've been drained physically, Spiritually, and emotionally. ( does emotional also cover the complete mental aspect of it all?) i have little left inside. I'm quickly becoming a shell of the man that i used to be.
the Good Lord knows that I'm writing this to get any pity, or sympathy from anybody, because it want change anything in anyway. i feel certain that I'm on a path of complete destruction, and there is nothing short of God Himself that can stop this snowball effect that has been set into motion.
this has been a pretty tough year on me. I've suffered one heartbreak after the next. it started out with losing my job which led to losing my mentality of being a man. I've lost people that i loved, and valued greatly as my closest friend, for reasons that i don't even understand, because this person just vanished from my life without a word. I've lost my financial freedom, and the freedom to make most choices.
anyway,.................it only took Shands five months to tell me what the problem is with my back. i have degenerative bone disease of my spine, which simply means that my bone is decaying faster than it can regenerate itself. i also have arthritis in my lumbar area. ( lower back ) i also have one bulging disc at this time.
when the Dr. first told me all this i became very numb, but i didn't realize it at the time. he just kept looking at me strange, and asking if i had any questions. i just said,........no. it never did sink in until on the bus ride home, and i couldn't felt any worse if he had of said cancer.
the best that i can tell there is no up side to this diagnosis. sounds to me that i will crippled one day, and at the rate that I'm going now, i can't see it taking long.
i guess if there is anything good about this is the fact that i qualify for disability now,....................but is that really a good thing? it could take up to a couple years to get it, and i can't work at all during this time. how am i going to maintain any type of lifestyle until then? right now the entire city of Jacksonville has no funding to help with rental assistance, and I'm behind right now.
I've got two choices the way that i see it. either i find a job in this screwed up economy, and work while enduring great pain if i can even do that. I'm not sure if i could even work at all taking the kind of narcotics that would numb this kind of pain. my back is so screwed up, and since it is my spine it effects every bone that is connected to it. all the way down my legs, and up until my shoulders and neck.
as bad as this sounds, my other alternative seems to be just as bad, if not worse. i could pack a couple bags of clothes, and simply leave everything else behind, and check myself into the mission until my settlement comes through. does anybody know what the ramifications of this action would mean to me?
it would cause total devastation of my already wrecked life!! i would lose every freedom that i still have except the freedom to breathe. if i think that my choices are limited right now...........i would have less than i ever thought possible.
i have walked away from everything before, and i still give myself a stiff kick in the ass whenever i think about it. there is no way to keep all those things that we consider of personal value. you know,..........all the stuff that most folks would consider to be trash. how do you choose what you try to carry, and what you leave? i probably have a backpack full of things that i just need to use every now and then, but i know if i don't take them that i will need them eventually. how do you choose?
i guess once you read this Lil' bit that you can understand why I've had such anger and hurt. this whole year has just bled over from the end of the last year. I'm beginning to wonder if there will be an end to this madness, or is it simply just another illusion of confusion?....................feels pretty real to me!!
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