i can't do it!!!

hey y'all.                    i can't change.           a part of me wants to change, and become a cold cruel being just because my life is turning out badly.                honestly,...........i just can't do it. i really like what I've become. I'm proud of the man that i am today.
i have worked my ass of to become who i am today. is there any degree of misery that should make me return to my former way of being?     
yea,............though i walk through the valley in the shadow of death, should i really fear any evil?           and, I'm honestly walking through that valley right now, and i plan to go deeper into that valley.
i don't think that i will survive it. i really don't.        wouldn't it be cool to walk in that valley the man that I've come to know and love?         wouldn't it be cool to die being something that you want to be?
to me personally,................if I'm gonna die,...............then that's the way that i would want to go out.

am i saying that my life is over?                sadly,...........yes i am. i know that's it is just a matter of time, and i really don't think that it will take all that long. I'm not sure what's gonna take me out. it could be a broken heart. it cou..............no,....................it will be a broken heart!!  that's will be the end for me. that i know for sure.

my heart is broken right now. i can't imagine handling what's coming next.  actually,..........i don't want to handle what's next to come. enough has come across my plate already. i can't handle anymore, but..........i know,..............that is headed my direction.

the sad truth is that i can end it anytime that i choose. I'm just holding out waiting for a better day to produce. i have a solution for all this madness. i just don't want to do it until I'm sure that my life has totally come to and end.

I'm sure you all have heard the term dead man walking. that's me right now. I'm as dead as you can get,...........except,............i have refused to fall down.
 i wont change either. i will not become bitter or cold. i will not start hating what i can't have myself.

the bottom line is that i want to leave this world with the respect that i have for myself right now, and that's the way that i plan to leave.

                                       i do love y'all!!!