yes,.......Good Lord,............it's time!! i've been wallowing in self-pity for about a week now. simply,.....enjoying losing my mind, and now it's time to snap back, and take control of what is controllable.
this has been a week of devastation. at least for me it has been. it seems that even the good news that i've received this week has an under-lying theme of pain that comes with it.
i think the main problem is that i want to live in a fantasy. i want the life that i want, and that doesn't look like that i'm going to have it. i don't want much, but it might as well be everything if it's not the right thing for me personally.
i guess i owe my readers an apology, but............how does a person apologize for simply being themselves? i've told y'all all alone that I'm not mentally right some days, and sometimes that will extend into weeks. it's really not that i don't deal with things badly, but i do deal differently. this entire week has offered me the hope of failure. everything was supposed to go smoothly, but it went chaotic instead.
i simply can not accept failure in my life. i've had way more than my share already. there has to be a working solution. i can't just lay down and die. if it were possible then i would have already done it.
I'm taking a lot of medication, and the way that i get all those meds are through a program at Shands Hospital. every six months that re-evaluate you to see if you still qualify. i've missed my last two appointment, and it takes six weeks to get one.
the first one that i missed is because i didn't want to lie. they don't help the homeless, and i didn't want to manipulate the paperwork to show my status any different that it was. i missed my second appointment because the state of Florida will not renew my I.D. without my birth certificate, and that cost money that i simply can't come up with. it will cost me around 80$ to get my I.D. renewed. the state went from 10 bucks, to over 30 in the past year.
the light bill has been draining Bubba, and myself for the past couple months, and will continue for another couple. it takes everything that we come up with just to pay that bill right now. were not in a boat by ourselves though. people all crossed this great country are suffering trying to pay their light bills while not freezing to death.
i really don't deal well with things when I'm trying to be honest, and do the right thing, and still feel like I'm getting slapped in the face!! even though,........i live in a house, and have a physical address,.........i can no longer get the medical help that i need. i have level three hypertension, and there is no level four. i take three different blood pressure medications to keep it in balance. i've already had two strokes, and a heart attack, so i take a couple medication for that cause. i take a narcotic, and a muscle relaxer for my back, that will never get any better, because it's degenerative.
all that is not even the pill that i need the most. i take a small pink pill called Paxcil to alleviate the depression in my life. it's a wonderful little pill that generally works when you take it everyday. the thing is...........when you stop taking it cold turkey it's like all that depression that it stopped you from having has been sitting on the back burner just waiting to slip through!!
i've been through this once before, and it was the worst time of my life!! i actually wound up on my knees screaming out to God to just kill me, and put me out of my misery!! i couldn't get comfortable no matter what position that i got in. every bone in my body hurt. i hurt so bad that i could do nothing but shake like a person with-drawing from Heroin. sleep was not something that i could do. i would doze off from being so tired, and wake up within five minutes.
i am not looking forward to that experience again, but it's probably going to happen in around three weeks. my saving grace is the fact that i might be able to get my medication through a homeless clinic. it wont be easy either, because the homeless in Jax is unbelievable!! i know that i wont get my narcotics for my back, because they just don't do that. i will have to live with that pain for a while, and that's fine. i just can't suffer through the with-drawls from the Paxcil again. that is a week of pure hell!!
well,................that's just a small part of what's been happening in my life the week that i pretty much went missing. there is more to tell, but it wont be in this post. like i said before,............it's time!!
.........much love
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