Greater is He

I can't rightfully say for sure what was going on with myself yesterday. I started writing two pity party post. Then I decided that I would save the world from my personal misery.      Yeah,...........Even I myself,....Go through times of fear, doubt, and loneliness. The good thing is that I actually go through these trying times. I choose not to wallow in the muck, but for so long. I believe that we have the power, and the choice to break free from these things that entangle us.

I am in a world of hurt when it comes to my status in life right now. I refuse to go down with a heart full of hate most of the time. Although, I know it would be much simpler to do that for myself. I make really lite of this situation that we share together at the mission. Sometimes, in my making merry of an extremely bad situation. I can strike a nerve in those around me suffering more than I am willing to admit at the time.

I really don't know how to handle this pain inside of me.      I don't know if it showing alack of faith, if I let it be known that I have any fear inside of me.     I am doing something brand new to myself. I am trusting God to handle my life affairs!!        Sometimes I want to rip it from His hands, ….Knowing that I can't do any better with it.                   Am I really going insane?

Every time that one of us leave the mission that have been in the same boat. It is like there is a wall of darkness closing in on me. The pressure is getting greater every time one of us leaves. The strange thing is that not a one has left under desirably conditions so far. A couple of them has reverted to a past world that will lead them back on the road to death. Which totally blows my mind to how they could have chosen that route. Especially, knowing that they have shared the same road with me for almost two years.

There is a great problem here with me that I have not spoken about until now. I have a bond with these fellers!!       It is not so tight that I can't let them slide in any direction that they choose.     I can, I must, and I will!!           The problem is that it is causing me great pain on the inside to see those that choose to go out that way. I have never deal with pain in the correct manner in my past, and it is leaving me in a state of confusion.

Something happened last night that rocked my world. One of those that I hold really dear in my heart left late yesterday evening. He was a strange one to begin with. A bit mentally unstable. I am trying to describe him......I know I will use the word slow. He was slow in his understanding. What he lacked in the mental department he made up for in his heart. He never had anything bad to say, nor did he ever think anything bad about others.

He loved the Lord with his whole heart. Poor thing couldn't sing a lick, but he didn't let that stop him. I have been to his church with him, and he has been to mine with me. No matter where he goes at there are no strangers in his mist. He can't pass by a person in a church setting without extending his hand to them. He makes me jealous in a way with his no fear of people attitude.

He did what I will call sliding over. He did not move either forward or backward. He just moved to a different program in another mission. He just solved the problems of not being wanted around here, by simply moving over, and out of the way.

The truth of this matter is that I am sitting in what feels to be a pile of smelly substance. I am thinking that this is looking worse by the day. I am waiting on my move out date to become a reality. I am trusting my Creator to handle this for me. The most pressure, that is coming my direction, isn't coming from those, that you would think. The greatest amount is coming from myself!!

This is my time to run away. It is time for me to dig a hole, and put my head in it. I can pull my head out later on, and say that I should have known better that to do this. I can spend the next couple of years on the streets getting beat down to the point where I am willing to seek help. I don't have to go through with this. I can simply do like I always have done and vanish!!
Yeah,.....I can do all of these things. Hold on a minute. There is this voice in my heart that keeps whispering, “Greater is He. Greater is He.” “Greater is He that is in me, than he that is in the world!!”

        …........Much Love