I am caught up in
this vicious cycle of life right now, that is going to drive me nuts,
if it don't break soon!! I wish I had my own place to be, or at least
in a place that I know that I am wanted. It is really no fun when you
spend most of your every waking moment, trying to not get on the
wrong persons nerves. It is nothing less that pure mental torture
trying to live this way. Knowing that an angry man has the power to
put me on the streets at any time. Sometimes it is enough to drive me
out the door without a invitation.
It is a shame when
you go through a program with the end in sight from the beginning.
Especially, when somebody changes the outcome, without telling those
participating, the way that it really is. The real shame is that
those with the power don't practice what they preach. I don't have
much of anything. The most thing of value that I have is this Toshiba
Satellite laptop that I bought at the flea market for 150.00.
I was so proud to
have this computer the first thing that I did with it to give it back
to God. All the rest of the stuff that I have are just clothes. Most
of those are barely better than rags. Some of them would qualify for
rags. I have a few dress clothes that I will wear on Sundays after I
get a place where I can hang them up. Right now clothes are very
cramped, and wrinkles galore. I do have a nearly new pair of Adidas
shoes that my buddy gave me. I mostly keep those locked up until I
don't have to worry about someone stealing them.
I could have done
like most of these fellows around here are doing. I could have
accumulated them by alternative methods 15-20 pair of 200 dollar
shoes. I could have 30-40 pair of designer jeans stashed away
somewhere, with a matching shirt for each pair. Most of them have a
pocket full of money also. Along with some fantastic toys to play
with. ( cell phones, necklaces, watches, and jewelry)
I am not jealous
of these things. Even with the fact being that most of them came in
with little of nothing. The same that I did. When I came in to this,
I brought everything that was left of my possessions. Two small bags
held it all, and absolutely nothing of any value. The sad part is
that it looks like I am going to pick right up where I left off, but
that is only an optical illusion. You must know that I have learned a
few things, since coming in here.
One of the most
important things that I have learned if you are going to be a
Christian. The simple fact that we walk by faith, and not by sight.
It really don't matter worth a hill of beans, what the situation
looks like, because with God all things are possible!! Over the past
two years of my life He has proven over, and over again, that He will
never leave me, or forsake me. All I have to do to receive the
victory is stand up, suit up, and pray!! Jesus has got my back!!
Satan is talking
at me more and more, as the days go past. Honestly, that tell me that
I am doing something right. There is a reason that all them fellers,
with all that stuff, are not here any longer. The same applies to the
ones that wanted to stay up all night watching the television, or
watch pornography on their telephones. I have been around posers that
act like do-gooders around the staff until they walk away, and the
real heathen come busting forth.
I have been around
all sorts of the forms of evil since I have been in this Christian
program. I have seen people threaten other people. I have been
threatened, and had a knife pulled on me once, since I have been
here. I have known of students, selling drugs to other students, in
this Christian program. I have known of, or actually saw all kinds of
treacherous evil, since being here in this program. I am only talking
about the students. You must remember that the staff are human also.
I came into this
place with one goal in my heart, mind, and soul. I needed to find out
if God was real, and why He didn't want to have anything to do with
me, if He was real. I had always believed that God was real since I
was seven years old, but I was desperate to know for sure, without
any guessing, or speculation. I was past the point of what anybody
else had to say about Jesus. I had heard all that before anyway. I
needed a real relationship with Him if He did exist. I was sick and
tired of being on the down hill swing of things. I wanted to be on
the mountain top for once in my life. I wasn't sure what I was going
to have to do, but I was willing to try anything that it might take,
to force God into making a move in my direction.
I will write a
second part to this about what I did that changed my life entirely
for the better. I might write an entire series of what I did that
made the difference. After all, this is my ministry of telling the
world what God has done for me. I know that if He has started this
good work in that He will also see it to the completion. I love to
write about how good the Lord is being to me. Especially, since I
have been such a rotten character for the most of my life.
….....Much
Love
No comments:
Post a Comment