What to do?

I just found out while ago that I have an opportunity tonight to face one of my biggest fears!! I really don't want to do this, because I know that it wont benefit me one bit. More than likely it will cause great grief!! It is one of those pressure deals in reverse...kinda. If I do it, supposedly it will relieve some of the pressure that's already in place. If I don't do it then there is a good possibility that it might add, great and grievously amounts of pressure.

The situation is already bad enough. I think that I will keep my trust placed where it is at right now. I don't think that I need to intervene. I don't reckon that Jesus needs for me to slow Him down any on what He is doing, or in the process of doing. He has every thing well under control.

One of my friends just came to me, and filled my head with all this information. I must admit that I have been in quite a bit of turmoil since I found out. How can anything that causes me this much pain just hearing of it, be to my advantage? I really can't possibly see how it can. It involves going to listen to a woman speak. I don't really have anything against this woman personally. I just don't feel like there is anything that she will say that I can trust.

I have some extreme personality disorders, and severe issues of trust when it comes to dealing with people. When I feel that there is nothing that a person can say to me, and trust in what they are saying that which is true. Well,.......I find it a real challenge just to be around them.

I an terribly uncomfortable in their presence. I have these wild feeling anxiety, or panic attacks that effect my whole state of being. My heart races, and it gets super hard to breathe. I am never claustrophobic unless one of these attacks have fallen on me. As the wall starts to close in it gets real bad. If I can't see an escape route I feel like I will pass out. I have no idea if I would, because there have always been a way of escape so far.

There ain't no way that I want to put myself through that living hell if I don't have to be there. Nobody that is important enough to make a difference in my life has said anything about me being there. I am gonna take that ball, and run with it for the time being. If bad consequences follow later on for me not showing up tonight, I will deal with them as they come to me.

I don't like it when people try to pressure me into doing something that I can't believe in. I once did believe in this person, and she let me down. I thought that everything that she said was the truth, and it might have been at one time. Have you ever been in a situation when what was not being said, screams louder than what is being said? Do I make any sense at all here?

I really can't just say what is actually happening here. There are people involved with high reputations that I would not smash for the world if I was capable of doing so. I do feel the need to talk about it in the best that I can. Now that I have had a chance to think it through, and talk about it a little bit. I am thoroughly persuaded that my escape route will be of a bold nature......

That's right,............I am gonna hide behind Jesus!!

         ….......Much Love