yep,.............that's right,.............after five months away i decided to re-join the world of the living by opening my facebook account back up. the last thing that i said on facebook was in the beginning of the month of June. i said something about this blog. then a couple weeks later i signed off for what i thought would be for the rest of my life.
i quickly remember exactly why i wanted to hide from the world. my life was falling apart so quickly that i had lost all control of ever getting it back on tract. there was no hope for saving a thing from my past, so i dipped into the unknown alone. i actually went to a deep state of depression from that time until about three months latter. i was so ashamed that i was loosing my home, after i had done all i could to save it with no lasting effect. i had lost my job at the beginning of this year. i had applied for assistance every where that had the funds. i kept struggling with paying my bills, even thought i was slipping farther and farther behind each week that passed. i had finally exhausted every place that had funds left to help out here in Jax. even while i was going through a great financial crisis the city seemed to be in as bad a shape as i was. there was no more help to be found.
the first of August i finally gave in. there was nothing left to save anymore, but my personal items that made up my life. everybody had moved out of the house without much concern, and i was the last man standing. it was hard to determine what was most valuable for me to take on an new adventure. i had a lot of factors to consider, and most of them were not working in my favor either. i wound up packing two back packs with clothes, and took all my life's important papers, and my Bible.
i went downtown to a mission. the second night there someone stole my bicycle. it was really valuable to me, because i was having a lot of trouble walking at the time. plus i had put 300$ in parts in it over the summer, because i knew that it was wroth it!!
i was bewildered, and didn't know what to do, so i joined a program at the mission to get my life back together. three weeks later i was kicked out of the program for not pointing fingers, and giving up the names. i figured that this was the last straw, so i started planning my suicide, and it was gonna be taking place quick.
i had money at this time, so there was nothing that i couldn't buy to help me accomplish my mission. i got this great thought. i haven't drank any alcohol in the past 6 years, so why don't i get three quarts of Budweiser, and take a handful of blood pressure medicine with it. i could just simply go to sleep, and never wake up on this planet again. it sounded good to me, but where would i do this at?
i decided that if i was going to die, and i felt for sure that i was, then i wanted to die in my home for the last six years. i had always figured that i would die there anyway. i went by the house, and it looked like nobody had even been there, so i opened the door, and went inside. it was only when i opened the door to my bedroom that some greedy bastard had taken his pleasure in riffling through my things. he took every thing that he thought could be of any value to him. no stone was left unturned by this monster!!
i thought about it for a minute, and called him every deserving name that i could think of, and was bound to stick to my plan. i started drinking the beer, and started writing a suicide letter. yep,.........that's right,.........i said letter. what the hey,............i had a lot of things that i wanted to say this last time. i wrote a four page letter, and i still have it as a memento today!! by the end of the night i had drank all three quarts, and i couldn't tell you how many pills that i had taken, but it was enough to do the expected job that i wanted it to accomplish. i layed down, and started praying for Jesus to please let this work. i couldn't life another day in this type of misery that i had been suffering through. the next thing that happened was i was starting to see the bright white lights that so many that had tried before me reported seeing. i was excited!! i just knew in my heart that all these problems were going to be left behind me, and that was the last thing that i remembered..................until,..................i woke up the next morning!!
i was furious!! not only was i mad at myself, the entire world, and now i was mad with God!! i blamed Him for not letting me die, and yet it was so true!! i thought yeah,...............if that how it is then i will go insane, and show you!! i walked over to the phone booth, and called the suicide hot-line. i was frantically screaming at this woman on the other end of the line. looking back going insane would have been a very short trip, because i was already there!!! she tried to calm me down, but i wasn't going for it. i was pissed, and hurt, and ever other emotion was flooding through out my body. to be honest.........i was an emotional mess!!
it didn't take long until the J.S.O. arrived, and took me to the mental health center. once i walked inside i got really calm. probably too calm. i didn't say a word unless i was asked something. they kept me there four days, and turned me back loose on the streets. two days later i went to the hospital to get some meds for anxiety. i told them what i had done, and they laid a Baker Act on me on the spot. off to a different psyche ward on the west side for five more days. OK,.............now this was getting serious!! when they let me back out i said to myself. i wasn't crazy enough to keep going in and out of these places. i had a great fear if i did then i would wind up crazy. then i remembered what i had said to God,..............I'll show You!! i have never been able to show God anything. He always winds up showing me just how powerful that He is, and the fact that He loves me enough to help me accomplish anything that i want to show Him!! i can guarantee you that if i hadn't decided to stop butting heads with God on that day, that i would have wound up in another psyche ward with in a week!! the battle had to stop,............and right now.
y'all know how i love to tell a story, and how i often get off track. to me this is simply how my live has turned out. I'm not ashamed of it either. most of my life has been about a man in a struggle with God, and the things that I've gone through in total rebellion with Him. For me, and my life, all roads led back to one source, and that is God...................ok,.............i need to finish this, and live another day.
the reason that i started doing the facebook again was totally selfish on my part. i simply wanted this blog to get more exposure. i read the other day that the facebook was a great way to get exposure for any blog. this blog probably don't mean as much to you, as i does myself, but this is my baby. it's my first attempt at something new, and different in a long time. it is the story of my life written by myself, as i see fit to let it come forth.
i know that it's not that important to most folks, but if any one can profit in they're own personal lives from it, then i have been a success.
OK,..........you caught me.............i do look at the stats everyday, and the counter on my profile page is way off. i actually have had readers from most of the world. the counter is so far off base, and I've yet to figure out how to get it right. most people haven't heard the name of James Crumly, but folks world wide have heard of Mr. Illusion of Confusion..................now ain't that something from an ole' Redneck from Bama!!
....................much love
No comments:
Post a Comment