i started writing this a while back, and decided just to leave it alone, and go ahead and post it. it's as good as it's gonna get anyway. the entire jest is revealed , and i don't need to say anymore.
.........actually, it never really was bad for long. i had come to terms with it. sadly,...........it became a relief after a while. i bet your wondering what i mean by that, and I'm going to splain', as Ricky used to say to Lucy.
the past two years had become a living hell. the house that i was living in i really didn't know from month to month, if that would continue to be my home. i loved that home. i had been in it for the past six years. it was a large home, and very expensive to operate. it took eight people living there to maintain it properly.
my health was failing also.i had physical problems, emotional problems, mental problems, and Spiritually problems.
the main problem with keeping residents in that house was the economy. the bottom fell out, and people were losing their jobs and homes. in order to save their homes the house owners were renting out every room possible. the only problem with that was the fact that you could live cheaper in their homes with more luxury items.
we tried everything to cut back on expenses. we totally changed everything that we had to something cheaper in order to survive, but that was still not enough. tempers were flaring, and several accusations were made at me, because i controlled the money. i did my best with what i had to work with.
then one day this man accused me of causing the house to fail. he said it was my fault that we couldn't get anybody to move in, because of the way that i acted. from that point on i had nothing to say about who moved in the house. i just paid the bills, and kept my mouth shut.
all these crack heads started moving into the house. if you know anything about crack heads...............well,........in six months the house had flopped.
i was actually relieved that i didn't have that pressure on me any more. i didn't have a home either, but at least now i could relax, and make plans on starting over from scratch. i had nothing left but a few clothes. there was no bitching. no complaining. no one accusing anybody falsely any more. i was finally at peace with myself again. i no longer dreaded seeing the light of another day.
most people didn't realize the pressure that i had on me. the house was just the beginning. my health had started declining with a quickness. i think that it was mostly stress. stress kills people!! i got to the place that i was stuck. i couldn't save my home, and i couldn't save myself either.
i remember my first night beside the off ramp. i started laughing about the things that had went wrong in my past. i was over joyed, because the stress had left me. i was so content with that little piece of ground that the state owned that i couldn't believe it. i layed on my back watching the stars in the sky, and reflecting how good God really was to me. i found myself at home right where i used to be before life had got so complicated. i was in the presence of a God that really knew who i was, and despite who i really was, .....loved me!! that was awesome!!
i rediscover an awesome reality that had slipped my mind. if I'll only worry about my relationship with God first, than everything will line up behind it.I'll have food to eat, and clothes to wear. I'll even have a place to lay my head at night. my health will get better, and my emotions will stabilize. even my mentality will improve.
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