now what......

 here's another one that will stand on it's own, even though i never quite finished it. it was written from my heart a while back.

i survived 70+ days on the streets, and i escaped with most of my mental faculties left in tack. i've became a hero in my own mind, and so what's next. i believe that writing this little ole blog probably saved my life more than once. it was my purpose for living on the long hot days where i had nothing else to choose from. i wrote about the injustice that was on the streets that i encountered on my journey back into society. i praised some people for the difference that they made in the lives of others, and i showed no mercy on the ones that were pretending to make some kind of difference.
i was so happy when i got the chance to move into a home. it was to be a fresh start, and a new beginning. even though it was a great opportunity it still leaves me facing the question of what i am doing with my life. it's really sad to say that i found more meaning in my life as a tramp than i do now with everything at my disposal.
i'm probably just depressed. depression has been an on going battle for me this past year. i have visited from one side of the spectrum to the completely opposite side. my life has changed drastically over the past year. i worked hard not to have the chaos in my life, and i live with everyday. i know that i'm going through the fat head syndrome. yeah,............that's right,............it's when you head feels about four times it's normal size, but you know that is not changed. i believe that the more technical term for what i'm experiencing now would be called the flu. every bone in my body hurts, and i've got a fat head to go along with it.
please don't take me wrong here, because i really like having a home. it's not the fact that i don't have one, because i do. i've even got plenty of food to eat. something more important is missing in my life today. something that is more important to me than a home, or food, or clothes, or actually anything.
now i could actually bore you slap to death with theological words, because i've devoted a lot of my life to learning how the relationship with my creator works. i could explain to you every facet in great words, and you probably would left scratching your head, and wondering what i just said. plain and simple is the best way to describe what is going on in my life today. i need to have a working relationship with my creator.
i'm not sure about most people, because i can only speak for myself personally. if you ever had a personal relationship with the God of all creation, and you turned you back on Him it will run you slap crazy until you decide that is where you wanted to be all along. i'm not sure what would ever cause a man to turn his back on the greatest offer that he had his entire life, but somehow that is what i've done.
now Jesus is my source for life. He is the only reason that i'm still living, and writing this blog to you.           hey man,.........are you one of those Jesus freaks?              actually, i was pretty freaky before that i met Him, and cannot go back into that again.
every man gets his significance from somewhere. it's either a social statue in life, or a job. i found that i've been left out of that crowd, and i'm grateful that i have. i never did quite fit in anyway. it seems to me that as people on this planet that we have one thing, or actually  several things in common with each other. the big question from the beginning of time has been what's the point? 
i like Jesus outlook on things because i can relate with Him. He spread a message of love, and hope to the world. that's a great thing in times like these. we're living in an angry world where there not much message of love and hope.it mostly about poverty, and war. He had nothing good to say about practicing religion either. He condemn the practice of religion. man has made up some funky rules about how to get to god. Jesus simply said just believe.
now you know where i stand on God in my life. if there is no God in my life, then i feel that i have no life at all!! i'm not religous at all. i am more Spiritual, and that's my story,..............and i'm stickin' to it!!

usually on Sunday i go to church. the church that i love to go to is up in Marietta, and the only way for me to get there is ride the bus from the mission. i did tune them in for the morning service on the internet. it wasn't the same as being there in person. several things are missing which includes the love of the members, and the warmth of Gods love flowing through the crowd. maybe i can actually go to the church next week. there is nothing like a live performance when God is actually invited as the guest speaker!!

ok,..............now back to my problem. i recognize what the problem is, so how do i incorporate that into my life?