I don't remember have any great ambitions as a kid. I must just not
remember, because every kid wants to be something great when the grow
up............Right? As far as I know that thought never has hit on
me until right this very moment. I can't remember having any real
dreams of doing anything except playing music. I never really
excelled at that either, because other things got in the way.
It
took me a long time to play anything in front of people, because of
stage fright. I Could play something beautifully while I was by
myself. All it took was the presence of people to give me stiff
fingers, and a severe breathing problem. My rhythm fell to pieces,
and I got as nervous as a long tailed cat, in a room full of rocking
chairs!!
I
guess as long as I can remember I have had a serious problem with
fear of people. Naturally, along that comes serious issues of trust,
and other reoccurring phobias. It is a pretty safe bet to say that I
have been all jacked up from jump street. My main issue in this life
has been with other people. I know now that it all boils down to
issues within myself.
I
am pretty sure that I have more issues than I even thought about
having before. The more I look back the more that I am actually
finding. The funny thing with doing this is I am not surprised one
bit about what I discover. I have always known that I suffer from
some sort of mental instability. It is not possible to live the life
that I have lived with every single thing intact. There had to be
parts of me that has shifted a little bit here, and somewhat there
over time. Maybe some of them where already out of place when I was
born. I really don't know, nor do I have a clue other than this grand
discovery that I just made!!
You
might want to laugh at this, simply because it is funny. At least for
my warped sense of humor it is. Then again, I was the one that lived
through it.
My
mother was driving me home from the county jail one time. I had been
busted......No,..... I am too embarrassed to tell the charge that I
was caught red handed doing. It was a felony charge, and I was in
deep trouble. I had spent a few days in the big house of the county,
and had endured madness that I never even considered to be real. In
other words, I had took a mental beating like I never had before. I
was feeling pretty low, and the way that mother was looking at me on
that drive home, I knew that she was going to get a turn also.
I
really can't remember much of what she said. However, I know that she
wasn't pulling any punches. I do remember waiting for her to let me
get a word in edgewise. I had one thing on my mind, and I needed to
ask the question so that I would personally know. I guess that she
finally had railed on me enough, because she became silent.
I
remember asking her if I could ask a two part question. I told her
that it might be strange, but I really needed to know the answer. She
just looked hard at me, and I started speaking, “ Mom have I been
adopted, and you have failed to tell me?” She continued to stare
like only she could do. “Well this one is really important for me
to know. I need you to be honest with me. Was I born so mentally
retarded that I just can't tell that I am?”That
was a major concern with me at that time. I was graveyard serious
about that question when I ask her. It was the only thing that my
tender mind could come up with at the time for the way that I was
acting. She just looked at me, and said that as far as she knew that
I came from out of her.!!
I
don't recall another word coming out of her mouth during our drive
home. I was sitting there with all kinds of madness going through my
mind. I was trying to analyze her not answering my question of mental
retardation. That was one time in my life that I felt like a freak of
nature. I knew that I was nothing more than a burden on my entire
family. Even worse than a burden, I was an embarrassment to every
fiber of their core!!
I
have been through a lot. The good thing
is................. Been through means that I survived!!
…............Much Love
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