Wouldn't that be ludicrous to think ?

I don't think most people want to die. The only reason that I even tried to commit suicide was the fact that I saw no way other than death. I really didn't want to die. I was blinded to the other options. I took enough pills that it should have taken my life. Although, there was just one problem. My life was not my own to take.

I even prayed, and ask God to let me die. I have been a firm believer that if you wanted to die, that God would have to give us His permission to do so. Other wise, we would have more power that God. If God was the one that created us, and then breathed the breath of life in us. Wouldn't that be ludicrous to think that we could be in control of ending our life?

There are way too many stories of blotched suicide attempts each year. Where there were plenty of drugs taken, and plenty of ammo that could have been used. The buildings that people used to jump from were plenty high enough. The real deal is that they were left alive. Some of them were really bonged up. Some will never walk again. And some will never have the capacity to think like they once did, and reason themselves through life. The fact is that even some of them will be paralyzed from the neck down, and be in pitiful shape for the rest of their time on this planet.

I don't even know what I was thinking when I tried to kill myself. I knew that I was totally defeated, and that my life was over. I didn't think that I had anything left to live for, because all that I held as dear to me had vanished before my eyes. That is a really pitiful state to be in. I don't know how many of you have experienced this in your life, but it is a sad situation.

I thought that I had a relationship with God, even though I knew that I had caused some real damage within our relationship. I had chosen to be with a woman that was never my choice to make. She was already another man's, but I thought that I could work her into my life somehow. I was a blind fool!!

I was hard core trying to keep her though. I starting seeing everything in my life slip away a little at a time. God gave me plenty of time to repent, and I knew that He was allowing me that time of repentance. Instead of taking that opportunity to heart, and restoring my life, or at least stopping my things from vanishing. I decided to curse at God, and blame Him for my problems.

He kept true to the form that I knew of Him, and simply backed away from me. I knew the instant that He moved back. I was too hard hardhearted, and stubborn to make the move that I needed to make right then. I had to suffer greatly to get my attention, and that is what I did. I slowly watched as everything disappeared from my life including my health.

The last day that I was in my house I packed two backpacks of what that I thought that I need. Mostly clothes, and general stuff to clean up with. Then I climbed on my bicycle, and road off to live nowhere. With in two days my bike had been stolen, and I was down to carrying around one bag. That was when I knew that my life was over, and I swallowed enough pills, and beer that my life should have ended that very night.

I woke up the next morning, and I was very angry with everything that moved!! I could tell you the events that got me to where I am today, but even though they are very comical, I am going to choose not to right now. The real deal is that I am still here today, and loving life like I never have before. You can plainly see that I did not consider what death would bring me. I just wanted out, or at least something to really live for.

I didn't take into consideration......Nothing!!             In my Bible that I live by the best that I can. We were created by an Eternal God to be Eternal beings. We too are going to live on after we leave the presence of this world. The only reason that I think that we are on this earth is to mostly make a choice. We are to choose between two places with totally different environments. The good thing is that it is totally going to be our choice. Our Creator even made sure that we had an owners manual of how to conduct our lives while making the choice of where that we want to spend eternity.

Now, I am not going to try to explain how some folks can commit suicide, while others like me don't have any success with that process. I am sure glad that I didn't, because I have a live worth living now!!

…................Much love