i have a lot to say, and sometimes i look at most everything on the lighter side. most of the subjects that i deal with on a daily basis are true life threatening situations that most of have encountered in our lives, or the life's of others. nothing that i ever speak about are not life threatening situations. everyone can kill, and do everyday.
i'm a true walking, talking, breathing miracle child. it's only by God's wonderful grace that i've not died yet. i started drinking alcoholically at the age of 16. soon after i started experimenting with drugs, and i stayed at the party way too long. I've had two strokes back to back, because of smoking crack cocaine, and five years ago i wound up flat on my back having a heart attack. this year I've came down with degenerative bone disease of my spine. i'm a mental nutcase that suffers with a milder form of depression. i don't think that i could handle the full blown extreme cases that so many suffer from. my heart truly goes out to them.
the only way that i deal with these situations in my life is through humor. i'm not near the fool to believe that there is anything funny about any of these things that i talk about, including being homeless. i've just encounter every one at one time in my life, or another, and i've lived through it all, so today i'm a winner. i choose to tell this simply stories of my live with a grateful heart of knowing that i am a survivor of every one of them, and i choose it tell it as light-hearted as i can.
there is nothing funny about a person that is suffering from alcoholism. it's not even a pretty word to begin with, and it gains no respect.
there is nothing funny about a person that steals from his family to get another hit of crack cocaine. surely not knowing if your next hit will be your last, and praying to God that it will, because you can't figure out why you keep doing this to yourself.
there is nothing funny about a person that suffers from clinical depression. it's one of the rudest form of mental anguish that a person can suffer from, and it always shows up at the wrong time. it twist your soul to the point where nothing has any value left from it in your life. i've even tried to commit suicide not that long ago, and for the life of me i can't see why i would even want to? what could possible be so wrong in a man's life to make him think there is nothing worth living for anymore? now that is crazy!! thank you Lord that you didn't let me have my own way, one more time, and think you for the birds that you placed beside of my window just to sing a special song for me this morning!!
there is certainly nothing funny about being homeless. it's rare that a person chooses to live this way, but they are some that do choose this lifestyle. do you realize how many people become homeless and simply vanish of the face of this earth each year. never to be heard from again, and those that loved them are forced with the issue of not knowing? the police here in jax can only see the value in them when they lock them up, because there is government funding to help pay for that new 350,000,000 court house that the city is building. can you really see anything funny about that?
this is why i don't choose to write about this side of life. oh,........it's real alright,.........real depressing!! i had rather speak about the humorous events that have taken place in my life with coming to grips with all these deadly situation. i had rather try to spread a message of hope, and love in this cynical world that we live in today. i don't even watch the news anymore, because it's all doom and gloom. the media in this world spreads the most trash of anybody. they will take 28 minutes blowing something way out of proportion to show it in the worst way possible, and only two minutes to tell a story that warms your heart!! can you see anything wrong with this picture?
maybe my heart has become way too tender in my older years. maybe i'm trying to see a side of life that doesn't even exist. maybe i've become the man that that grandpa was. granny simple called him an old fool!! then again, maybe i enjoy being an old fool with foolish dreams of a better tomorrow in this world? yep,.........that's it,...........it's my dreams, and my hopes,............i kinda like being an old fool. hey,........why don't you try it,.............it can only make you feel better!!!
....................much love
www.billofrights.org
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
life is funny
my best ole' girl from bama shot my an e-mail last night telling me what a wimp i was, about the surgry that i was facing yesterday. she actually told me to grow a pair, and deal with it!! ain't she cool. she always finds the right words that i can understand, and simply spits them out!! even though, she had an under-tone of anger, i knew exactly what she was saying. she just wants the best for me, and knows if the best is gonna happen that i'm gonna have to make it happen. they even call that in bama, tough love!!
i thought that everybody that reads this mess understood that i was a wimp, and made no qualms about it!! there was actually a reason that i was being that big of a whip that i failed to tell you.
this was scheduled to happen in February of next year, and i didn't find out that they had moved it up until last week at my normal Dr.'s appointment. i had received no information on it, because i wasn't at my previous address, and was trying to keep them from knowing that i had became homeless. if your homeless you don't qualify for medical assistance through Shand's hospital. i really had no idea what i was facing, and it was over-loaded with deception. that's something that i really can't afford to be happening in my lifestyle. i've been trying to keep way too much secret, and it has backfired in my face!!
like my friend pointed out it's not even surgury. it's a prick on the back, but it hurt quite a bit, but nothing unbearable. i was shocked that it did last two hours with included a thirty minute recovery time. i woke up this morning for the first time totally pain free this year. i just crawled out of the bed the way that every normal American get's out of bed in the morning, and it was great!! even though i sleep on a pallet in the floor i simply just rose up without my normal retarded looking way that i have been doing it for months now. it has been talking me on the average around five minutes to finish the getting out of bed process.
the Dr. said that i should have no real effect from it for about three days, so i'm assuming that it will only get better with time.
this gives me a new level of hope. i think that i'm going to get off my butt, and re-enter society in the working class. that's what makes every man the happiest in life is to engage in a good days productive work. a man needs to know that he is making some kind of difference in the world that he lives in, and the last time i did that was back in January of this year.
ain't no wonder that i've been suffering with true depression. yes,........little darlin' i've went through all those nasty little dramatic event that you stated so clearly in your letter last night. i was just ashamed to admit it in front of the world. if i know anybody that truly understands what a person goes through when they are depressed, it would be you. you've had more than your share of dealing with it, and i'm truly sorry if i offended you in any way. that was never my intention to begin with. sometimes i'm a thick headed lug,........well,..........most of the time i'm a thick headed lug, and tend to forget the horror that some peoples lives turn into. especially, when it was not their fault to begin with. i am truly sorry if you took anything offensive that i ever say in this blog. most of it is gibberish anyway, based on a true theme.
so,..........what's my big plans for the day? now that i feel a new lease on life? well,..........i need to do my laundry in the old fashioned way. yep,........that's right,...........i'm gonna stomp em' clean in a bucket, and throw them over the fence to dry. a man's gotta do what ever it takes to survive!!
then i'm going to put my new pain free back to the real test. i'm going to see how far that i can walk today. it would be great to walk the distance of a normal human being again!! i know that i really didn't get in this mess over night, and it won't come quickly, but the first thing i have to do is get out of this house. all working plans start with the first step, and today i'm gonna take that first step towards my future!!
.................much love
i thought that everybody that reads this mess understood that i was a wimp, and made no qualms about it!! there was actually a reason that i was being that big of a whip that i failed to tell you.
this was scheduled to happen in February of next year, and i didn't find out that they had moved it up until last week at my normal Dr.'s appointment. i had received no information on it, because i wasn't at my previous address, and was trying to keep them from knowing that i had became homeless. if your homeless you don't qualify for medical assistance through Shand's hospital. i really had no idea what i was facing, and it was over-loaded with deception. that's something that i really can't afford to be happening in my lifestyle. i've been trying to keep way too much secret, and it has backfired in my face!!
like my friend pointed out it's not even surgury. it's a prick on the back, but it hurt quite a bit, but nothing unbearable. i was shocked that it did last two hours with included a thirty minute recovery time. i woke up this morning for the first time totally pain free this year. i just crawled out of the bed the way that every normal American get's out of bed in the morning, and it was great!! even though i sleep on a pallet in the floor i simply just rose up without my normal retarded looking way that i have been doing it for months now. it has been talking me on the average around five minutes to finish the getting out of bed process.
the Dr. said that i should have no real effect from it for about three days, so i'm assuming that it will only get better with time.
this gives me a new level of hope. i think that i'm going to get off my butt, and re-enter society in the working class. that's what makes every man the happiest in life is to engage in a good days productive work. a man needs to know that he is making some kind of difference in the world that he lives in, and the last time i did that was back in January of this year.
ain't no wonder that i've been suffering with true depression. yes,........little darlin' i've went through all those nasty little dramatic event that you stated so clearly in your letter last night. i was just ashamed to admit it in front of the world. if i know anybody that truly understands what a person goes through when they are depressed, it would be you. you've had more than your share of dealing with it, and i'm truly sorry if i offended you in any way. that was never my intention to begin with. sometimes i'm a thick headed lug,........well,..........most of the time i'm a thick headed lug, and tend to forget the horror that some peoples lives turn into. especially, when it was not their fault to begin with. i am truly sorry if you took anything offensive that i ever say in this blog. most of it is gibberish anyway, based on a true theme.
so,..........what's my big plans for the day? now that i feel a new lease on life? well,..........i need to do my laundry in the old fashioned way. yep,........that's right,...........i'm gonna stomp em' clean in a bucket, and throw them over the fence to dry. a man's gotta do what ever it takes to survive!!
then i'm going to put my new pain free back to the real test. i'm going to see how far that i can walk today. it would be great to walk the distance of a normal human being again!! i know that i really didn't get in this mess over night, and it won't come quickly, but the first thing i have to do is get out of this house. all working plans start with the first step, and today i'm gonna take that first step towards my future!!
.................much love
Monday, October 25, 2010
hot off the presses...........
.................and straight from the horses mouth james has relapsed!! he has fell back into the temptation of alcohol, and i could be happier to tell y'all this. i've been drinking pretty heavy for the last ten, or so days. it reminded me of why i quit to begin with, because it makes me as crazy as a bessie bug!! it really messes with my mind in a way that not pretty.
you might ask why i'm happy to report this after being clean the past six years? why didn't i just keep quite, and pretend that it never happened? simply, because it did happen, and for me to get six more years i have to be honest with you, and myself. that's the only way that any drunk ever gets sober to begin with. he has to be honest about his problem. it's called being humble. like i've not been humbled enough this year, but then again i reckon that i haven't been. this can become a major problem for me if i just don't nip it the bud now.
i new that it was only a matter of time seeing how i've been eating pain pills all year long. i'm shocked that i've made it this far to tell the truth. it's nothing for me to eat a handful of pain pills everyday, and not ever really kill the pain.
alcohol and drugs are a luxury that i can't afford in my system. they are meant for a more stable man that i am. now,.........that's the sad truth!! do i even regret starting to drink again? well,...........of coarse i do. i didn't have to do, but i chose to do it on my own. i can't even blame anybody for their contribution to my demise. nobody ever made me do anything that i didn't want to do to begin with. i march pretty much to the beat of my own drum, and i don't follow any popular crowd.
the sad truth is that i had got on my pity pot, and eat slap up with the poor me's. i wasn't even decieved into thinking that it would make me life better, because i knew that it would turn in into shit with a quickness.
so what do i do next? what is my plan of action? should i run out to an A.A. meeting, and cry about how i messed up, and pick up another white chip? i don't reckon that i'll be doing that. don't take me wrong. that program is sucessfull for millions of people around the world. i didn't ever quit drinking until i stopped going to those meetings, and i never went back to brag about all these years that i didn't find it necessary to take a drink either. if you wanted to know how i was doing it then you needed to spend some personal time with me. staying clean wasn't a lite feat for me either. i worked hard at it, and i did it one day at a time. i know that some of those old hard core A.A.ers would say that you should have stuck in it, and you would never relapsed to begin with. i think that is all well, and fine. what ever works is all i ever needed. i know for a fact that my years of being sober were made with quality over quantity. if i can get just simply half that time again it will be more than i ever deserved . the world still don't owe me a thang!! somethings a man has to do just because he simlpy want to do it, and extending my life by not drinking is worth what ever battle there is!!
....................much love
you might ask why i'm happy to report this after being clean the past six years? why didn't i just keep quite, and pretend that it never happened? simply, because it did happen, and for me to get six more years i have to be honest with you, and myself. that's the only way that any drunk ever gets sober to begin with. he has to be honest about his problem. it's called being humble. like i've not been humbled enough this year, but then again i reckon that i haven't been. this can become a major problem for me if i just don't nip it the bud now.
i new that it was only a matter of time seeing how i've been eating pain pills all year long. i'm shocked that i've made it this far to tell the truth. it's nothing for me to eat a handful of pain pills everyday, and not ever really kill the pain.
alcohol and drugs are a luxury that i can't afford in my system. they are meant for a more stable man that i am. now,.........that's the sad truth!! do i even regret starting to drink again? well,...........of coarse i do. i didn't have to do, but i chose to do it on my own. i can't even blame anybody for their contribution to my demise. nobody ever made me do anything that i didn't want to do to begin with. i march pretty much to the beat of my own drum, and i don't follow any popular crowd.
the sad truth is that i had got on my pity pot, and eat slap up with the poor me's. i wasn't even decieved into thinking that it would make me life better, because i knew that it would turn in into shit with a quickness.
so what do i do next? what is my plan of action? should i run out to an A.A. meeting, and cry about how i messed up, and pick up another white chip? i don't reckon that i'll be doing that. don't take me wrong. that program is sucessfull for millions of people around the world. i didn't ever quit drinking until i stopped going to those meetings, and i never went back to brag about all these years that i didn't find it necessary to take a drink either. if you wanted to know how i was doing it then you needed to spend some personal time with me. staying clean wasn't a lite feat for me either. i worked hard at it, and i did it one day at a time. i know that some of those old hard core A.A.ers would say that you should have stuck in it, and you would never relapsed to begin with. i think that is all well, and fine. what ever works is all i ever needed. i know for a fact that my years of being sober were made with quality over quantity. if i can get just simply half that time again it will be more than i ever deserved . the world still don't owe me a thang!! somethings a man has to do just because he simlpy want to do it, and extending my life by not drinking is worth what ever battle there is!!
....................much love
good mornin'
oh,............i'm sorry that it's afternoon now, but i have an appointment with dr. death this afternoon. i made sure to put clean underwear on for this special occasion, because mother taught me to do that. she said that you never tell what will happen. just in case this Dr. winds up killing me i will at least have fresh undies on. i have never seen the sense in that, but mother always swore by it.
the actually truth of the matter is when your soul leaves this earth suit that we wear the body does one last act of true rebellion. it deficates on it'sself. oh,........what the hell,............i don't have to be politcally correct about my last action on this earth. i'm just gonna call it what it is..........i'm gonna shit myself real good!! don't it make you feel better about knowing the real truth?
to say that i'm nervous about this operation today is like the saying about the long tailed cat in a room full of rockers is a high understatement!! i can't see anything natural about stickin' needles in your spine. nothing was ever meant to stick in that sacred place. it's true design was to last as long as your body did without stickin' anything in there!! if i can survive this today, then they will never cut on my back. there is too many drugs to block the pain without being cut on. i don't really care how addicted i become to the medication. i was born a junkie, and i might as well leave this world one. just the thought of somebody putting me to the point of near death. y'all realize that's what they do every time that you have surgery don't you? they put you in a state thats as close to death that you can be without actually crossing on over. that is the only way that they can cut on you without you feeling it.
personally, i don't really like the thought of being in that position. i might see something wonderful, and decide that i don't want to come back!! then i would miss all this crippin' and complaining that i do to y'all everyday.
live is really good most days. the fact is that i'm a big old baby in this world all alone, and don't have anyone to comfort me. bubba is trying to. he keeps telling me that it's making progress in my life, and i should be over-joyed to have it done. that everything will be much better because i did it. i know deep down that he is right, and it should be a positive thing in my life, but right now in my heart i have nothing but fear about today. i don't do fear well, simply because i don't have much of it. i don't fear death, but i do fear being crippled for the rest of my life. just one misplaced needle could accomplish that for me in less than a heartbeat. it's really a lot to consider..........................much love
the actually truth of the matter is when your soul leaves this earth suit that we wear the body does one last act of true rebellion. it deficates on it'sself. oh,........what the hell,............i don't have to be politcally correct about my last action on this earth. i'm just gonna call it what it is..........i'm gonna shit myself real good!! don't it make you feel better about knowing the real truth?
to say that i'm nervous about this operation today is like the saying about the long tailed cat in a room full of rockers is a high understatement!! i can't see anything natural about stickin' needles in your spine. nothing was ever meant to stick in that sacred place. it's true design was to last as long as your body did without stickin' anything in there!! if i can survive this today, then they will never cut on my back. there is too many drugs to block the pain without being cut on. i don't really care how addicted i become to the medication. i was born a junkie, and i might as well leave this world one. just the thought of somebody putting me to the point of near death. y'all realize that's what they do every time that you have surgery don't you? they put you in a state thats as close to death that you can be without actually crossing on over. that is the only way that they can cut on you without you feeling it.
personally, i don't really like the thought of being in that position. i might see something wonderful, and decide that i don't want to come back!! then i would miss all this crippin' and complaining that i do to y'all everyday.
live is really good most days. the fact is that i'm a big old baby in this world all alone, and don't have anyone to comfort me. bubba is trying to. he keeps telling me that it's making progress in my life, and i should be over-joyed to have it done. that everything will be much better because i did it. i know deep down that he is right, and it should be a positive thing in my life, but right now in my heart i have nothing but fear about today. i don't do fear well, simply because i don't have much of it. i don't fear death, but i do fear being crippled for the rest of my life. just one misplaced needle could accomplish that for me in less than a heartbeat. it's really a lot to consider..........................much love
what's next.....
hell if i know!! i'm at a stalemant in life, and not sure which move to make next. you would think if a guy is going to write about his life that he would have one to begin with...........wouldn't you? i think that i'm the part of life that most guys go out and buy new convertable cars, but somehow i've missed that phase also. i've actually missed out on a lot of life that most people think that's important to have.
i've never been married, and i'm not really sure if that is a downfall, but i suspect that it is. because the kids would be grown by now, and having babies of there own. i've totally missed the proud grandfather stage. you know the guy that has a picture of all his grands in his wallet, and never misses an opportunity to show them off? you know the old guy that's happier on Christmas morning than the kids actually are? missing this phase makes me feel that i've escaped a true Americana portrait of life. i will never know the time spent with my blood, because i've always been selfish in that way.
even my own family doesn't want anything to do with me. i wrote both of my sisters about three weeks ago telling them exactly what was going on in my life, and i never did hear a word back from either. i don't blame them at all though. the have been times in my life that i was nothing but a burden on them.
so what's next for Mr. illusion of confusion? i really can't go out, and save another life when i can't save my own? i've kinda run out of power to save the world. maybe i'm just depressed. maybe i've cooled my wheels long enough to see what i've really become. a broken down old man without a future what-so-ever.
as far as life goes i have no options. i have to live it out to the full extent of my days, and hope that they get better than this one. i'm having spinal surgery today. they are going to shoot my spine full of steroids in hopes that it will kill the pain, so i can live a normal life. are they talking about normal for me, or normal for the rest of the world? that could be a big difference.
do you realize that dealing with depression can be a great mystery? on day you on top of the world, and you wake up the next morning wondering if you should even get out of bed that day. it's the not knowing that gets me. if i could wake up the same way every day, at least i would know what to expect. even if it was on the bad side. i'm not sure about anybody else battle with depression, but it truly is a battle. i would prefer to wake up exited every morning about the hope of a brand new day of life.
let's smell the coffee,........i am psychotic. i know that they make powerful enough drugs to send me into la la land for the extent of 24 hours. often i wonder if i'm the only person that realizes this fact about me? you would think that all these Dr.'s that i go to could at least see my psychosis. i have no problem with the modern miracle of drugs. actually, i would prefer to simply be happy all the time even if it is drug induced. i'm currently on paxcil, but only 20mgs a day. don't they make a higher dosage for the chronic depressant's like myself?
this is an bold statement coming from me. i spent years denying that anything was actually wrong in my life. i had rather just suffer through with it than admit that i had a problem at all. for years i lived a half-warped life of not knowing what the next day would hold for me. it was all mental. who wants to concede that they have a mental flaw? especially when they look at themselves as a near genius. a legend in my own mind.
hey,............lest try this on for size. i don't even know who i am some days. there is like this demonic force inside of me driving me to act bad. now,...........ain't that a conflict of interest. i'm a big ole' teddy bear!! there ain't one mean, or bad bone inside of me!! i detest all acts of violence, and people that treat others in a rude way. i try to live in a respectful way so that others will not be offended by my actions.
thanks for letting me vent to you. this surgery has got me all fuddled up. it's reminding me that i'm getting older, and the chances for me leaving my mark on the world is growing dimmer by the day. actually, most people don't leave a mark on the world that they live in. they simple die, and are soon forgotten. how many family members that have been dead now for over two hundred years are still brought in remembrance? see what i mean? life is really fragile.
.......................much love
i've never been married, and i'm not really sure if that is a downfall, but i suspect that it is. because the kids would be grown by now, and having babies of there own. i've totally missed the proud grandfather stage. you know the guy that has a picture of all his grands in his wallet, and never misses an opportunity to show them off? you know the old guy that's happier on Christmas morning than the kids actually are? missing this phase makes me feel that i've escaped a true Americana portrait of life. i will never know the time spent with my blood, because i've always been selfish in that way.
even my own family doesn't want anything to do with me. i wrote both of my sisters about three weeks ago telling them exactly what was going on in my life, and i never did hear a word back from either. i don't blame them at all though. the have been times in my life that i was nothing but a burden on them.
so what's next for Mr. illusion of confusion? i really can't go out, and save another life when i can't save my own? i've kinda run out of power to save the world. maybe i'm just depressed. maybe i've cooled my wheels long enough to see what i've really become. a broken down old man without a future what-so-ever.
as far as life goes i have no options. i have to live it out to the full extent of my days, and hope that they get better than this one. i'm having spinal surgery today. they are going to shoot my spine full of steroids in hopes that it will kill the pain, so i can live a normal life. are they talking about normal for me, or normal for the rest of the world? that could be a big difference.
do you realize that dealing with depression can be a great mystery? on day you on top of the world, and you wake up the next morning wondering if you should even get out of bed that day. it's the not knowing that gets me. if i could wake up the same way every day, at least i would know what to expect. even if it was on the bad side. i'm not sure about anybody else battle with depression, but it truly is a battle. i would prefer to wake up exited every morning about the hope of a brand new day of life.
let's smell the coffee,........i am psychotic. i know that they make powerful enough drugs to send me into la la land for the extent of 24 hours. often i wonder if i'm the only person that realizes this fact about me? you would think that all these Dr.'s that i go to could at least see my psychosis. i have no problem with the modern miracle of drugs. actually, i would prefer to simply be happy all the time even if it is drug induced. i'm currently on paxcil, but only 20mgs a day. don't they make a higher dosage for the chronic depressant's like myself?
this is an bold statement coming from me. i spent years denying that anything was actually wrong in my life. i had rather just suffer through with it than admit that i had a problem at all. for years i lived a half-warped life of not knowing what the next day would hold for me. it was all mental. who wants to concede that they have a mental flaw? especially when they look at themselves as a near genius. a legend in my own mind.
hey,............lest try this on for size. i don't even know who i am some days. there is like this demonic force inside of me driving me to act bad. now,...........ain't that a conflict of interest. i'm a big ole' teddy bear!! there ain't one mean, or bad bone inside of me!! i detest all acts of violence, and people that treat others in a rude way. i try to live in a respectful way so that others will not be offended by my actions.
thanks for letting me vent to you. this surgery has got me all fuddled up. it's reminding me that i'm getting older, and the chances for me leaving my mark on the world is growing dimmer by the day. actually, most people don't leave a mark on the world that they live in. they simple die, and are soon forgotten. how many family members that have been dead now for over two hundred years are still brought in remembrance? see what i mean? life is really fragile.
.......................much love
Saturday, October 23, 2010
ecxuse me ma'am.............
excuse me ma'am, but since you started this conversation with me. i need to ask you a question, if i might. just what part of my appearance makes you think that i would have three dollars to begin with? am i wrong to assume that if i were to have three dollars that you are thinkin' that i ought to give it to you?
you probably don't realize this but it is an insult to me, and quite an embarrassment not to have three dollars just to give you. that fact that i'm more poorer than you are, and i really don't like being this way. i really would like to help out anybody that is bold enough to ask for it.
y'all every heard the theory of not judging a book by it's cover? well,............somethings are just appearent. when you see a guy with an old raggedy backpack worn in hopes of getting the dear life left from it should be a good clue that the chances are pretty good that he is broke as you are. even if he were to have three dollars i would assume that he probably has some use for it other than a donation to your charitable cause.
people simply amaze me when asking for money. although, i've never been really good at it myself. i would think that the ultimate goal would be to ask someone that has the appearance of having money to begin with. i had rather take my chances with somebody that has the look about them of money. they need to be wearing clean clothes for starts. the wearing of jewelry is a good guess. maybe the fact of owning a car would make me think that they have some money.
it seems to me that the more people have going for them, that something else usually follows close behind. the fact that they have more payments for the stuff that they own. i honestly don't see how many people make it all that well in today's economy to begin with, especially those trying to raise a family. i couldn't imagine having kids in today's failing economy. kids are expensive little critters to have, and they remain that way until they finally get booted out of the nest.
being a parent is no longer a simple task like it was for my parents. there are too many laws now about how the parents can raise thier kids. it used to be nothing to discipline children back in my day. they simply would take a belt, and beat the hell out you if you were messing up. the only time out was when they would stop beating on you for a minute to talk!! i was raised in the right way. if i could go back, and change anything it would be about the beatings that i had got. i would request that i had got more, and more often!!
we all know about abusive behavior by parents. i can attest that there was no abusive behavior by mine. the only abusive behavior today is the fact it is abusive to not whip your kids. kids need a little something extra to learn the true values in life. my parent used a wood shed technique to perfect results!!
the only people that are suffering today are the kids themselves. we done see the result in today's generation. is the the price that we are gonna pay to become more civilized?
how, and when did it become socially acceptable to be a homosexual? we have them working in government offices today. when did God's opinion of them become not good enough for us? He simply called them an abomination!!
it's funny to me that a country that was created on God's word can simply run without His influence now? have we become smarter than God Himself now?
now,..........i'm not the smartest tater in the patch by a long shot, but i can see what's going on here in our country. it all started when we took God from out our school systems, and the next thing was to relieve Him of His duty in the courtrooms. now we've took Him from off our money system, and really wonder why our economy is failing? am i the only one that can see what's happening here? how does God supposed to bless America when He has no part left in America?
now that is one illusion of confusion that i just can't understand!!!
you probably don't realize this but it is an insult to me, and quite an embarrassment not to have three dollars just to give you. that fact that i'm more poorer than you are, and i really don't like being this way. i really would like to help out anybody that is bold enough to ask for it.
y'all every heard the theory of not judging a book by it's cover? well,............somethings are just appearent. when you see a guy with an old raggedy backpack worn in hopes of getting the dear life left from it should be a good clue that the chances are pretty good that he is broke as you are. even if he were to have three dollars i would assume that he probably has some use for it other than a donation to your charitable cause.
people simply amaze me when asking for money. although, i've never been really good at it myself. i would think that the ultimate goal would be to ask someone that has the appearance of having money to begin with. i had rather take my chances with somebody that has the look about them of money. they need to be wearing clean clothes for starts. the wearing of jewelry is a good guess. maybe the fact of owning a car would make me think that they have some money.
it seems to me that the more people have going for them, that something else usually follows close behind. the fact that they have more payments for the stuff that they own. i honestly don't see how many people make it all that well in today's economy to begin with, especially those trying to raise a family. i couldn't imagine having kids in today's failing economy. kids are expensive little critters to have, and they remain that way until they finally get booted out of the nest.
being a parent is no longer a simple task like it was for my parents. there are too many laws now about how the parents can raise thier kids. it used to be nothing to discipline children back in my day. they simply would take a belt, and beat the hell out you if you were messing up. the only time out was when they would stop beating on you for a minute to talk!! i was raised in the right way. if i could go back, and change anything it would be about the beatings that i had got. i would request that i had got more, and more often!!
we all know about abusive behavior by parents. i can attest that there was no abusive behavior by mine. the only abusive behavior today is the fact it is abusive to not whip your kids. kids need a little something extra to learn the true values in life. my parent used a wood shed technique to perfect results!!
the only people that are suffering today are the kids themselves. we done see the result in today's generation. is the the price that we are gonna pay to become more civilized?
how, and when did it become socially acceptable to be a homosexual? we have them working in government offices today. when did God's opinion of them become not good enough for us? He simply called them an abomination!!
it's funny to me that a country that was created on God's word can simply run without His influence now? have we become smarter than God Himself now?
now,..........i'm not the smartest tater in the patch by a long shot, but i can see what's going on here in our country. it all started when we took God from out our school systems, and the next thing was to relieve Him of His duty in the courtrooms. now we've took Him from off our money system, and really wonder why our economy is failing? am i the only one that can see what's happening here? how does God supposed to bless America when He has no part left in America?
now that is one illusion of confusion that i just can't understand!!!
Friday, October 22, 2010
bubba's woman
yep,............that's right,..............bubba has a woman. actually she is his friend. she is originally from Bosnia. that's from the other side of the pond, if you didn't know. she is now an American citizen. she did the right thing folks. she actually went down, and took her test for legal citizenship. ain't you proud of her!! she didn't follow suit of the Mexican's in Arizona.
she is a wonderful woman. she speaks five languages fluently. it's sad to say that English isn't one of them, or southerneze as far as that goes. to say there is a slight language barrier could be an understatement. i know that i have trouble understanding her, but it doesn't slow her down a bit from talking. i guess it don't matter what part of the world that women are from they at least have one thing in common.
bubba don't seem to have a problem understanding her. she will say something to me, and i will look at bubba, and he will translate what she said in a version that i'm comfortable with hearing. whenever i'm by myself with her things don't go all that smoothly. i've learned to simply say that i understand which translated means that i don't have a clue what you just said, and you know that i didn't, so i'm gonna smile like i did anyway!!
i reckon that English must be one of the most complicated languages to learn. we not only learn to speak it verbally, but physically as well. we will say something, and make a gesture that totally changes what we meant. after all, most of us continue to learn to speak this way all of our lives. our buddies from crossed the pond must learn a more direct way of dealing with folks. at least that the way that she comes crossed to me.
most of her, and bubba's Lil' spats come from something that he says to her, that she simply takes the wrong way. i'm secretly laughing my ass of at them when they get good, and riled up.i write on my computer facing their front door, and every time that she gets upset with him, she runs out the door. this is usually hilarious to say the least. kinda like watching the old i love lucy shows in living color!!
i wonder if bubba finds as much humor in their episodes as i do? y'all should know me by well enough now that i don't miss any humor in much of anything, and i find humor in things where there is none to begin with. unfortunately the greatest humor of all is found in the misery of another human being, and bubba plays that role well!!
however, this is nothing new to us. we used to both be cashiers at the Salvation Army thrift store, and nobody escaped our wrath!! we consider us to be like the two old white critics on the Muppet show. remember the two old guys that were always sitting in the audience making fun of people? we even made fun of ourselves by comparing us to those guys. we made good clean fun, and nobody ever got their feeling hurt either. often times we would let the customers in on the fun, so they could get a laugh with us.
those had to be the best times of my life. something always happened when me and bubba were together. we just clicked. i really don't think that there is something special about Mr. illusion of confusion, or bubba himself. when you mixed those two together though something happens. it becomes a toxic cocktail to all those around us.
she is a wonderful woman. she speaks five languages fluently. it's sad to say that English isn't one of them, or southerneze as far as that goes. to say there is a slight language barrier could be an understatement. i know that i have trouble understanding her, but it doesn't slow her down a bit from talking. i guess it don't matter what part of the world that women are from they at least have one thing in common.
bubba don't seem to have a problem understanding her. she will say something to me, and i will look at bubba, and he will translate what she said in a version that i'm comfortable with hearing. whenever i'm by myself with her things don't go all that smoothly. i've learned to simply say that i understand which translated means that i don't have a clue what you just said, and you know that i didn't, so i'm gonna smile like i did anyway!!
i reckon that English must be one of the most complicated languages to learn. we not only learn to speak it verbally, but physically as well. we will say something, and make a gesture that totally changes what we meant. after all, most of us continue to learn to speak this way all of our lives. our buddies from crossed the pond must learn a more direct way of dealing with folks. at least that the way that she comes crossed to me.
most of her, and bubba's Lil' spats come from something that he says to her, that she simply takes the wrong way. i'm secretly laughing my ass of at them when they get good, and riled up.i write on my computer facing their front door, and every time that she gets upset with him, she runs out the door. this is usually hilarious to say the least. kinda like watching the old i love lucy shows in living color!!
i wonder if bubba finds as much humor in their episodes as i do? y'all should know me by well enough now that i don't miss any humor in much of anything, and i find humor in things where there is none to begin with. unfortunately the greatest humor of all is found in the misery of another human being, and bubba plays that role well!!
however, this is nothing new to us. we used to both be cashiers at the Salvation Army thrift store, and nobody escaped our wrath!! we consider us to be like the two old white critics on the Muppet show. remember the two old guys that were always sitting in the audience making fun of people? we even made fun of ourselves by comparing us to those guys. we made good clean fun, and nobody ever got their feeling hurt either. often times we would let the customers in on the fun, so they could get a laugh with us.
those had to be the best times of my life. something always happened when me and bubba were together. we just clicked. i really don't think that there is something special about Mr. illusion of confusion, or bubba himself. when you mixed those two together though something happens. it becomes a toxic cocktail to all those around us.
Thursday, October 21, 2010
it's four in the morning
why am i up at four in the morning? did i get up to wake the birds so that they can sing for me? hum...........now,.........that's not a bad idea, but unfortunately it's not the truth. the reason that i'm up this morning at four is simple. i went to bed at eight last night. i went to bed, and left my one follower mesmarized by reading my blog. yep,...........that's right,..............i've finally got my first follower!! bubba has got his pic on here, but somehow never became a follower.
i'm not sure how long that Christina kept the messenger open last night relating to my blog, but it sure feels good that somebody can relate!! i finally have achieved the success that i was looking for with my one follower.
actually, i went to sleep last night, and got up at four this morning, because i have a touch of the flu bug. yep,.......that's right,............with all the classic symptoms, especially pain in the bones. i'm too old for this!! i think that i'm too old for anything now a days. i'm quite sure that i'm too old for any pain, but the older that i get, it seems like the more i experience.
here's something new and different. i have an appointment with pain management tomorrow. i always thought that they would be my sourse for all the narcotics that i had dreamed of in my younger days. i was actually looking forward to this time in my life, because i new that new, and modern medicine would relieve me of any pain that i might have.
jeez Louise,...........was i ever wrong!! pain management is looking for alternative methods for the management of pain other than the classic narcotics that i had hoped for all these years. they want to shoot my spine full of steroids. now get this, if it even has any effect at all on relieving the pain. it will only last from three weeks to three months. now,.............i wasn't found under the wood pile just last night, but it seems to me that these Dr's are not even sure if it will work to begin with. they really expect me just to lay still while they shove this enormous needle in to my spine, and not knowing if it will work at all? i reckon that Mr. illusion of confusion really needs to think about this more seriously!!
for God's sakes man,............we are talking about my spine here aren't we? i was always taught that every nerve in my body connect to this one central place, and now some jack leg with a dr's degree wants to play a game of darts with it? am i missing something here? maybe they are going to play a game of pin the tail on the donkey, and leave me feeling like the jack ass!!
come on birds,................wake up birds!! i need the soothing relief of creation singing her song this morning. anything but what i'm thinkin' about now!!
just the slightest miss-calculation of that needle could leave me stuck in a chair for the rest of my life in front of my window to the world. brother,...........that don't fit into my plans anywhere in my future!! that would totally change every plan that i would have ever had for my future. i would be stuck in an old folks home somewhere at the mercy of a person that don't care nothing about me to begin with. we hear horror stories of things that happen in those homes, and they are true. oh,............it's just a first degree sunburn. it won't take nothing but a few skin graphs, and a couple years to heal it up just fine!!
i'm not getting paraniod here either, but i can't understand a word that this Dr. speaks. he is from India, and his name is Patel. everytime that he speaks to me it just leaves my jawbone resting flat on the floor!! maybe i need a translator,.............naw,..............what am i thinking? isn't there an Dr's that can speak a language that i can understand? what ever happened to speaking english in this country? am i asking too much from a Dr. that might cripple me for the rest of my life to be able to understand him?
honestly, and in all reality this is a major choice that i'm facing right now. many people have went to that operating table, and were just fine when they went in, and came out with less than desirable results. i know that it would be rare that something would go wrong. the question is that a chance that i'm really willing to take???
i'm not sure how long that Christina kept the messenger open last night relating to my blog, but it sure feels good that somebody can relate!! i finally have achieved the success that i was looking for with my one follower.
actually, i went to sleep last night, and got up at four this morning, because i have a touch of the flu bug. yep,.......that's right,............with all the classic symptoms, especially pain in the bones. i'm too old for this!! i think that i'm too old for anything now a days. i'm quite sure that i'm too old for any pain, but the older that i get, it seems like the more i experience.
here's something new and different. i have an appointment with pain management tomorrow. i always thought that they would be my sourse for all the narcotics that i had dreamed of in my younger days. i was actually looking forward to this time in my life, because i new that new, and modern medicine would relieve me of any pain that i might have.
jeez Louise,...........was i ever wrong!! pain management is looking for alternative methods for the management of pain other than the classic narcotics that i had hoped for all these years. they want to shoot my spine full of steroids. now get this, if it even has any effect at all on relieving the pain. it will only last from three weeks to three months. now,.............i wasn't found under the wood pile just last night, but it seems to me that these Dr's are not even sure if it will work to begin with. they really expect me just to lay still while they shove this enormous needle in to my spine, and not knowing if it will work at all? i reckon that Mr. illusion of confusion really needs to think about this more seriously!!
for God's sakes man,............we are talking about my spine here aren't we? i was always taught that every nerve in my body connect to this one central place, and now some jack leg with a dr's degree wants to play a game of darts with it? am i missing something here? maybe they are going to play a game of pin the tail on the donkey, and leave me feeling like the jack ass!!
come on birds,................wake up birds!! i need the soothing relief of creation singing her song this morning. anything but what i'm thinkin' about now!!
just the slightest miss-calculation of that needle could leave me stuck in a chair for the rest of my life in front of my window to the world. brother,...........that don't fit into my plans anywhere in my future!! that would totally change every plan that i would have ever had for my future. i would be stuck in an old folks home somewhere at the mercy of a person that don't care nothing about me to begin with. we hear horror stories of things that happen in those homes, and they are true. oh,............it's just a first degree sunburn. it won't take nothing but a few skin graphs, and a couple years to heal it up just fine!!
i'm not getting paraniod here either, but i can't understand a word that this Dr. speaks. he is from India, and his name is Patel. everytime that he speaks to me it just leaves my jawbone resting flat on the floor!! maybe i need a translator,.............naw,..............what am i thinking? isn't there an Dr's that can speak a language that i can understand? what ever happened to speaking english in this country? am i asking too much from a Dr. that might cripple me for the rest of my life to be able to understand him?
honestly, and in all reality this is a major choice that i'm facing right now. many people have went to that operating table, and were just fine when they went in, and came out with less than desirable results. i know that it would be rare that something would go wrong. the question is that a chance that i'm really willing to take???
no matter what...............
no matter what happens in our lives, we can always find something still good in it. even the worst case senerio when someone we truly loves dies there should still be something good in our lives. often we are burdened down with grief, and can't see anything good, but that don't mean that it's not there.
now, this is not about death. i'm probably the worst person to write about death, because i never take it lightly. death to me is a subject that i don't even care to write about. especially since there is so much life around us. i just used that as a worse case senerio, and i might as well elaberate on it a bit.
have you ever seen kids the way they are around a dead person? joe blow can be lying stiff in his casket, and children will crawl in the floor right beside him playing with each other. i'm not sure about you, but i think that children are one of the best examples of life that we can even see. they don't seem to take anything to serious. they still know things that we have long forgotten. they know how to have fun with little or nothing. kids have fun even when we would prefer them to act differently. life to a kid is nothing more than fun. i really think that we could use some lessons from kids, we tend to take life too seriously.
as adults we seem to feel that we have a special license to worry. we're always worrying about this thing, or another thing. all the worrying that we do doesn't solve anything either. it tends to run our blood pressure up, and cause severe anxiety inside of us.
a statement that i've heard all my life, and i believe is true is a simple one. it goes like this, "all that i need to know about life, i learned in kindergarten." if we think about those things, and would apply them to our lives, it would make our lives more simple.
we learned how to share with each other, and how to treat each other with respect. we learned how to use manners, to make our lives even better. we learned to be thankful, and greatful for the things that we had. we learned all sorts of values that we lost in the process of becoming an adult.
i wonder what really happened to cause that drastic change? why do we teach the kids to do one thing, then tell then that it doesn't apply to adults? what makes us think that just because were adults that we have the right to be rude with certain folks? why is it ok when your an adult to tell a lie, and then be bold enough to call it a white lie? we teach our kids not to discriminate, and then we do it ourselves when we lie. what's the difference in a white lie, or any other color that we choose to call it?
we put most of the pressures in life upon us, by acting in a way contrary than we were taught to as a child. i believe this to be personally true with me. if i would act in the way that i was taught to act as a child then i wouldn't have as much drama in my life. i believe that i was brought up in the right way. i was taught manners, and to treat my fellow human being with respect. i was taught to treat other people property with respect also. i was taught to love God first before anybody else, and i was taught to love my family next.
if only i could get back to my childhood roots my life would be less complicated than it is right now. i'm sure that it took a process of time to ever get this far off track. i'm sure that the pain of living has a lot to do with this change also. maybe the heart actually grows more tender the older that we get, and we retaliate in different forms that gets us off track so badly. i guess that we feel that we are adults, and can justify our actions with a few simple words. actually, i'm not sure of the process, but if was wrong to act this way then, what makes me feel that is right to act this way now?
my mind is something else. it is continuously thinking about ways to improve my life today. my hearts desire is to be an adult that can be trusted, and is known as a good honest person. a friendly man with excellent values. a righteous man with qualities that exceeds expectations. am i just dreaming? are these goals that are set way too high for me to achieve? am i just fooling myself to ever think that i can be a man with these qualities? maybe this is just another illusion of confusion?
..........................much love
now, this is not about death. i'm probably the worst person to write about death, because i never take it lightly. death to me is a subject that i don't even care to write about. especially since there is so much life around us. i just used that as a worse case senerio, and i might as well elaberate on it a bit.
have you ever seen kids the way they are around a dead person? joe blow can be lying stiff in his casket, and children will crawl in the floor right beside him playing with each other. i'm not sure about you, but i think that children are one of the best examples of life that we can even see. they don't seem to take anything to serious. they still know things that we have long forgotten. they know how to have fun with little or nothing. kids have fun even when we would prefer them to act differently. life to a kid is nothing more than fun. i really think that we could use some lessons from kids, we tend to take life too seriously.
as adults we seem to feel that we have a special license to worry. we're always worrying about this thing, or another thing. all the worrying that we do doesn't solve anything either. it tends to run our blood pressure up, and cause severe anxiety inside of us.
a statement that i've heard all my life, and i believe is true is a simple one. it goes like this, "all that i need to know about life, i learned in kindergarten." if we think about those things, and would apply them to our lives, it would make our lives more simple.
we learned how to share with each other, and how to treat each other with respect. we learned how to use manners, to make our lives even better. we learned to be thankful, and greatful for the things that we had. we learned all sorts of values that we lost in the process of becoming an adult.
i wonder what really happened to cause that drastic change? why do we teach the kids to do one thing, then tell then that it doesn't apply to adults? what makes us think that just because were adults that we have the right to be rude with certain folks? why is it ok when your an adult to tell a lie, and then be bold enough to call it a white lie? we teach our kids not to discriminate, and then we do it ourselves when we lie. what's the difference in a white lie, or any other color that we choose to call it?
we put most of the pressures in life upon us, by acting in a way contrary than we were taught to as a child. i believe this to be personally true with me. if i would act in the way that i was taught to act as a child then i wouldn't have as much drama in my life. i believe that i was brought up in the right way. i was taught manners, and to treat my fellow human being with respect. i was taught to treat other people property with respect also. i was taught to love God first before anybody else, and i was taught to love my family next.
if only i could get back to my childhood roots my life would be less complicated than it is right now. i'm sure that it took a process of time to ever get this far off track. i'm sure that the pain of living has a lot to do with this change also. maybe the heart actually grows more tender the older that we get, and we retaliate in different forms that gets us off track so badly. i guess that we feel that we are adults, and can justify our actions with a few simple words. actually, i'm not sure of the process, but if was wrong to act this way then, what makes me feel that is right to act this way now?
my mind is something else. it is continuously thinking about ways to improve my life today. my hearts desire is to be an adult that can be trusted, and is known as a good honest person. a friendly man with excellent values. a righteous man with qualities that exceeds expectations. am i just dreaming? are these goals that are set way too high for me to achieve? am i just fooling myself to ever think that i can be a man with these qualities? maybe this is just another illusion of confusion?
..........................much love
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
friends
one of Mr. illusion of confusion greatest sayings was, " friends........they are highly over-rated." i couldn't have been more wrong!!! actually i was looking at the whole thing through a pair of self-centered spectacles.
i've always looked at it from a view of what am i getting from this friendship, and that's why i thought that they were over-rated.
when i became homeless i had a lot of time to think about everything. trust me when i say this that i thought about everything!! i had nothing but time to gather the thoughts that were scattered throughout my brain. as i started collecting them, and putting them in the same corral that they belonged in i started to see something forming. i truly know why people now say brain scattered, because i was living proof.
being a friend is far more important than having friends. wow!!...........what a concept!! of coarse i had to try this out for size, and i had the worlds toughest crowd at my disposal. if it worked with the homeless, then i figured that it would work for most people. the homeless are bitter people for the most part, because they have been abused for the most part. people just don't understand how they abuse them either. we tend to forget that people are just people. no matter where you are in the life cycle we all have basic needs.
love is the most basic need that we all have, and love comes in many different forms. fortunate for me i have a big ole' tender heart full of love, so i knew that was what i had to offer.
i learned several different ways that i could show this love to my comrades on the streets. most people have a story to tell, or something to say. i figured that if i could learn to patiently listen, and give an encouraging word that's what they needed. they needed a friend that they could trust to tell the stuff that was inside of them just bursting forth to come out.
what i learned from listening was that everyone one of them used to have a life. some of their stories were quite amazing in fact. they all had families and friends, and now they are just sitting on a park bench wasting away with dreams of their past.
i guess if your going to be homeless that jax is the place to be. at least you wont go hungry. however, i found an ice breaker that few could resist............chocolate!! almost everybody has a sweet tooth, and chocolate is a great motivator. just break out a bag of chocolate, and the hardest of hearts become tender again. before long you've made another friend that wants to talk. i think that being homeless causes most folks to withdrawl so deep that they hold so much inside, and it needs to escape. i have personally gone days without talking, and having a home, so you can imagine being sorrounded by folks that you don't even know.
let me say a word about the life of the party. there are a few that seemed to be over-joyed at all times, and they attract their own kind. the eat together, and play games together, and have their own social network. i've always avoided these types, and most people do. they don't seem to even grasp the concept that they are down and out. it's like there is not a thing wrong in the world that they live in, and they live in their own world. it's mostly a fantasy world made up of what they think that it should be. now,........i'm not saying that there is anything wrong with this, because i don't know for a fact. maybe it's just the way that they cope with a bad situation. to me being upbeat, and still realizing what the real deal is just fine. there are times that i live in a fantasy world. i've even written about it. i simply need to keep my feet planted on the ground, and strive toward a working solution to get me out of it while hopefully spreading joy.
let me say this, my plan of spreading love was an over-whelming success. not everybody was receptive to it, but i had the majority. i could continue on with what i have done, but i need to move on into a different kind of friendship, and a more serious degree of love.
why did i think that friends were highly over-rated? now that is simple,.........i was blind. it wasn't about what they could do for me, as much as what i could do for them. i never really thought that my value of being a friend was much. i never figured that what i did really mattered a lot. i couldn't see how i was important in our relationship.
it takes two people to have a friendship, and it grows over time. it just doesn't happen over night. a bond has to form, and gets tighter as the days pass. you know a true friendship evolves to a point that is unreal. you know that we do things to hurt people, and they do also. a true friend expects this to happen, and is ok with it. we over-look each others faults, and grow used to them, because it is truly who a person is. we accept each other for what we are, and don't try to change each other. a true friend is a person that loves you in spite of your faults, and you return that love in spite of theirs. every now and then one of us gets angry because of something that we've done, but a real friend finds it hard to hold a grudge for any amount of time.
if i didn't learn but one thing while i was living on the streets. it has to be the fact that i desperately need friends in my life. i need to share whatever is going on with me at the time. the best way that i know how to get friends is be a friend first.
i have a new saying now. friends,..............the are highly under-rated, and much needed!!!
....................much love
i've always looked at it from a view of what am i getting from this friendship, and that's why i thought that they were over-rated.
when i became homeless i had a lot of time to think about everything. trust me when i say this that i thought about everything!! i had nothing but time to gather the thoughts that were scattered throughout my brain. as i started collecting them, and putting them in the same corral that they belonged in i started to see something forming. i truly know why people now say brain scattered, because i was living proof.
being a friend is far more important than having friends. wow!!...........what a concept!! of coarse i had to try this out for size, and i had the worlds toughest crowd at my disposal. if it worked with the homeless, then i figured that it would work for most people. the homeless are bitter people for the most part, because they have been abused for the most part. people just don't understand how they abuse them either. we tend to forget that people are just people. no matter where you are in the life cycle we all have basic needs.
love is the most basic need that we all have, and love comes in many different forms. fortunate for me i have a big ole' tender heart full of love, so i knew that was what i had to offer.
i learned several different ways that i could show this love to my comrades on the streets. most people have a story to tell, or something to say. i figured that if i could learn to patiently listen, and give an encouraging word that's what they needed. they needed a friend that they could trust to tell the stuff that was inside of them just bursting forth to come out.
what i learned from listening was that everyone one of them used to have a life. some of their stories were quite amazing in fact. they all had families and friends, and now they are just sitting on a park bench wasting away with dreams of their past.
i guess if your going to be homeless that jax is the place to be. at least you wont go hungry. however, i found an ice breaker that few could resist............chocolate!! almost everybody has a sweet tooth, and chocolate is a great motivator. just break out a bag of chocolate, and the hardest of hearts become tender again. before long you've made another friend that wants to talk. i think that being homeless causes most folks to withdrawl so deep that they hold so much inside, and it needs to escape. i have personally gone days without talking, and having a home, so you can imagine being sorrounded by folks that you don't even know.
let me say a word about the life of the party. there are a few that seemed to be over-joyed at all times, and they attract their own kind. the eat together, and play games together, and have their own social network. i've always avoided these types, and most people do. they don't seem to even grasp the concept that they are down and out. it's like there is not a thing wrong in the world that they live in, and they live in their own world. it's mostly a fantasy world made up of what they think that it should be. now,........i'm not saying that there is anything wrong with this, because i don't know for a fact. maybe it's just the way that they cope with a bad situation. to me being upbeat, and still realizing what the real deal is just fine. there are times that i live in a fantasy world. i've even written about it. i simply need to keep my feet planted on the ground, and strive toward a working solution to get me out of it while hopefully spreading joy.
let me say this, my plan of spreading love was an over-whelming success. not everybody was receptive to it, but i had the majority. i could continue on with what i have done, but i need to move on into a different kind of friendship, and a more serious degree of love.
why did i think that friends were highly over-rated? now that is simple,.........i was blind. it wasn't about what they could do for me, as much as what i could do for them. i never really thought that my value of being a friend was much. i never figured that what i did really mattered a lot. i couldn't see how i was important in our relationship.
it takes two people to have a friendship, and it grows over time. it just doesn't happen over night. a bond has to form, and gets tighter as the days pass. you know a true friendship evolves to a point that is unreal. you know that we do things to hurt people, and they do also. a true friend expects this to happen, and is ok with it. we over-look each others faults, and grow used to them, because it is truly who a person is. we accept each other for what we are, and don't try to change each other. a true friend is a person that loves you in spite of your faults, and you return that love in spite of theirs. every now and then one of us gets angry because of something that we've done, but a real friend finds it hard to hold a grudge for any amount of time.
if i didn't learn but one thing while i was living on the streets. it has to be the fact that i desperately need friends in my life. i need to share whatever is going on with me at the time. the best way that i know how to get friends is be a friend first.
i have a new saying now. friends,..............the are highly under-rated, and much needed!!!
....................much love
Sunday, October 17, 2010
i'm sorry
life is strange, and exciting with it's twists and turns. you never can really tell what's going to happen next. i think that the key is to remain flexable, so you don't get bent out of shape!!
i am sorry though because i've not been keeping up on my blog here lately. bring you people into my intimate world has become a major reason for living. i simply love sharing my life with you. even though i've had some internet problems that has caused me to come to a screaching halt, there is another reason also. y'all ready,..........are you sure,................you might not believe this,................but,...................i've been having fun the last couple days!!!
my entire world has changed drastically. everything has once again turned over. i have new issues to write about, but i can't never forget what i've been through either!! these past ten weeks are memorable, but still i'm looking forward to new adventures and stories.
i reckon i'll be talking about my adventures with bubba for the next few stories, because he is an important part of my life again. we fell apart a few years ago, but always remained in touch with each other. bubba put all his focus on his career, and i had to let him go do what he needed. he changed a lot, but i'm glad that he is in the process of getting better.
i really hate to admit this, but then again a man does what he has to do for his own survival. being homeless is a 24/7 job, and with all the problems that come with it keeping your clothes clean is a major one. i didn't have but three shirts, one each pair of shorts and jeans, and a few underware. the way i kept them clean was not really all that good. i would just keep changing them out, and try to not get sweaty. this worked better than you might would realize, but it was nothing like the comforts of home.
when i got this house i still didn't have an washing machine, but i was determined to wash my clothes. i filled up a container with hot soapy water, and let them soak in there for a day. the next day i poured all the water off them, and it was like mud, so i rinsed them a little, and started the process over again.
me and bubba were talking about the way that i was doing laundry. then he suggested something that i had already thought about, but was imbarassed to admit to it.
he said, bubba ( he calls me bubba to) why don't you throw your clothes in the dishwasher? we both burst out in laughter. he went on to say the he saw Tim Taylor ( tool man) cook a whole salmon in his on tv once. i reckon if Tim the tool man Taylor can cook a salmon in his dishwasher, then i couldn't see why i couldn't wash my clothes in mine!!
the next thing i done was carefully layed the clothes on the racks, and made sure that none was poking through the grates. the last thing that i wanted was my clothes to catch on fire from the element. then i filled the detergent dispenser with the right detergent, because i didn't want any surprises. i set the machine to run, and it started filling up with water. once the machine was full of water it started washing. i opened the door for a quick look that nothing had fell through the racks, and restarted the dishwasher.
man,.....i was on my way. i just knew that i had dicovered a long lost secret that only a handfull of folks new about. i had this big ole' grin on my face, and went to do something else for a while.
it was a couple hours later and the machine was still washing. i open the door to check on them, and they still looked ok. i thought that this was a slow way to wash clothes, but if it worked was all i really cared about. another hour went by, and i had to check on then again. i pulled a couple out, and couldn't believe what i saw!!
let my try to explain this the only way i know how......ok? you remember back in ancient times when people would use powder detergent to wash their clothes? do you remember what happened when you thought you were saving a buck, and bought the cheap kind? do you remember what happened when you would just pour the cheap kind on your clothes, and the machine is about warn out?
yep,............that's right,................my clothes were all spotted with power detergent!! they were an absolute mess!!
i'm not finished yet. do you like riddles? will riddle me this one................how does a man washing his clothes in a dishwasher get powder residue all over his clothes when he uses a gel dish-washing liquid? just how in the blue blazes does that one work? i really need to know this!!
jeez louise!! i just knew there was a reason that everybody didn't wash clothes in a dishwasher. i guess that makes as much sense as filling up your washing machine with dirty dishes to clean them. hum,................no!!, no!! no!!,...........don't even think about that one now. i guess the dishes would get clean that way, but they probably would wind up in pieces!!
you know that when ever life gets way to complicated it's because were trying a new way of doing things when the old way worked just fine. sometimes a new, and different way is not always better. life is life, and the key factors that make it up are hard work, plenty of rest, and love. love for your Creator, and love for the people in your life. that's what makes life worth living!! nobody ever recalls their life at the end of it, and has anything to say about anything other than love. so i say this from the bottom of my heart to you.............................................much love!!
i am sorry though because i've not been keeping up on my blog here lately. bring you people into my intimate world has become a major reason for living. i simply love sharing my life with you. even though i've had some internet problems that has caused me to come to a screaching halt, there is another reason also. y'all ready,..........are you sure,................you might not believe this,................but,...................i've been having fun the last couple days!!!
my entire world has changed drastically. everything has once again turned over. i have new issues to write about, but i can't never forget what i've been through either!! these past ten weeks are memorable, but still i'm looking forward to new adventures and stories.
i reckon i'll be talking about my adventures with bubba for the next few stories, because he is an important part of my life again. we fell apart a few years ago, but always remained in touch with each other. bubba put all his focus on his career, and i had to let him go do what he needed. he changed a lot, but i'm glad that he is in the process of getting better.
i really hate to admit this, but then again a man does what he has to do for his own survival. being homeless is a 24/7 job, and with all the problems that come with it keeping your clothes clean is a major one. i didn't have but three shirts, one each pair of shorts and jeans, and a few underware. the way i kept them clean was not really all that good. i would just keep changing them out, and try to not get sweaty. this worked better than you might would realize, but it was nothing like the comforts of home.
when i got this house i still didn't have an washing machine, but i was determined to wash my clothes. i filled up a container with hot soapy water, and let them soak in there for a day. the next day i poured all the water off them, and it was like mud, so i rinsed them a little, and started the process over again.
me and bubba were talking about the way that i was doing laundry. then he suggested something that i had already thought about, but was imbarassed to admit to it.
he said, bubba ( he calls me bubba to) why don't you throw your clothes in the dishwasher? we both burst out in laughter. he went on to say the he saw Tim Taylor ( tool man) cook a whole salmon in his on tv once. i reckon if Tim the tool man Taylor can cook a salmon in his dishwasher, then i couldn't see why i couldn't wash my clothes in mine!!
the next thing i done was carefully layed the clothes on the racks, and made sure that none was poking through the grates. the last thing that i wanted was my clothes to catch on fire from the element. then i filled the detergent dispenser with the right detergent, because i didn't want any surprises. i set the machine to run, and it started filling up with water. once the machine was full of water it started washing. i opened the door for a quick look that nothing had fell through the racks, and restarted the dishwasher.
man,.....i was on my way. i just knew that i had dicovered a long lost secret that only a handfull of folks new about. i had this big ole' grin on my face, and went to do something else for a while.
it was a couple hours later and the machine was still washing. i open the door to check on them, and they still looked ok. i thought that this was a slow way to wash clothes, but if it worked was all i really cared about. another hour went by, and i had to check on then again. i pulled a couple out, and couldn't believe what i saw!!
let my try to explain this the only way i know how......ok? you remember back in ancient times when people would use powder detergent to wash their clothes? do you remember what happened when you thought you were saving a buck, and bought the cheap kind? do you remember what happened when you would just pour the cheap kind on your clothes, and the machine is about warn out?
yep,............that's right,................my clothes were all spotted with power detergent!! they were an absolute mess!!
i'm not finished yet. do you like riddles? will riddle me this one................how does a man washing his clothes in a dishwasher get powder residue all over his clothes when he uses a gel dish-washing liquid? just how in the blue blazes does that one work? i really need to know this!!
jeez louise!! i just knew there was a reason that everybody didn't wash clothes in a dishwasher. i guess that makes as much sense as filling up your washing machine with dirty dishes to clean them. hum,................no!!, no!! no!!,...........don't even think about that one now. i guess the dishes would get clean that way, but they probably would wind up in pieces!!
you know that when ever life gets way to complicated it's because were trying a new way of doing things when the old way worked just fine. sometimes a new, and different way is not always better. life is life, and the key factors that make it up are hard work, plenty of rest, and love. love for your Creator, and love for the people in your life. that's what makes life worth living!! nobody ever recalls their life at the end of it, and has anything to say about anything other than love. so i say this from the bottom of my heart to you.............................................much love!!
Saturday, October 16, 2010
movin' on up!!
wheezie?...............................................whezzie? George Jefferson was famous for calling his wife that way!! y'all do remember the show called the Jefferson's don't you? it was about a black dry cleaner who finally struck it rich. he moved from Harlem to the east side.
well,...................i have a bit of a success story myself to tell about today. i can't even start to tell you this before i give credit where it is due. first and always, any success that i might have in life is because of God. He is my true hero, and the keeper of my destiny!!
the second credit goes to my friend bubba. yep,.................that's right,...............i said bubba. see i have a real true bubba in my life. i bet y'all thought that larry the cable guy was the only one that new a bubba? now that's not his real name, but i've been calling him that ever since i've known him.
i reckon that i need to tell y'all about bubba. he is truly an amazing individual of a human being. first, and foremost he is a true artist. he writes his own lyrics. plays all the instruments that you hear on his music. he even produces, and records on his own label.
now,.................i'm fixin' to tell y'all something,........................but you had better be sitting down for this,...............OK? the reason that i said that he is a true artist is because he ain't worried about making money. he just want to be heard, and share his life with the world in his own unique style. kinda like me writing this blog. i just want to be heard.
not that's all i'm going to say about him right now. i have much, much, more to say, but that will come later.
if y'all will look on my list of followers you will see bubba. his artist name is indian blood, and his real name is Jeff. i guess y'all can call him what you want, but he will always be buuba to me!! check him out at www.indianblood.net
now where was i at,..............oh yeah. i've taken a great leap since yesterday. i went from sleeping in the city, beside an off ramp on I95, to living in a four bedroom house, two bathroom with a living room, and a den with a fireplace by myself!! i bet you wonder how that was possible with absolutely no money? it's really a long complicated story, so i'm gonna give you the short version. it's simply a lot of mercy and grace!! that's my story, and i'm sticking to it!!!
i've really got a lot to do to set my place up, but i just had to tell y'all about it. i'm really grateful, and excited for this opportunity. bubba is gonna set me up a computer in my place before long. then i can spend more time with y'all!!
......................much love
well,...................i have a bit of a success story myself to tell about today. i can't even start to tell you this before i give credit where it is due. first and always, any success that i might have in life is because of God. He is my true hero, and the keeper of my destiny!!
the second credit goes to my friend bubba. yep,.................that's right,...............i said bubba. see i have a real true bubba in my life. i bet y'all thought that larry the cable guy was the only one that new a bubba? now that's not his real name, but i've been calling him that ever since i've known him.
i reckon that i need to tell y'all about bubba. he is truly an amazing individual of a human being. first, and foremost he is a true artist. he writes his own lyrics. plays all the instruments that you hear on his music. he even produces, and records on his own label.
now,.................i'm fixin' to tell y'all something,........................but you had better be sitting down for this,...............OK? the reason that i said that he is a true artist is because he ain't worried about making money. he just want to be heard, and share his life with the world in his own unique style. kinda like me writing this blog. i just want to be heard.
not that's all i'm going to say about him right now. i have much, much, more to say, but that will come later.
if y'all will look on my list of followers you will see bubba. his artist name is indian blood, and his real name is Jeff. i guess y'all can call him what you want, but he will always be buuba to me!! check him out at www.indianblood.net
now where was i at,..............oh yeah. i've taken a great leap since yesterday. i went from sleeping in the city, beside an off ramp on I95, to living in a four bedroom house, two bathroom with a living room, and a den with a fireplace by myself!! i bet you wonder how that was possible with absolutely no money? it's really a long complicated story, so i'm gonna give you the short version. it's simply a lot of mercy and grace!! that's my story, and i'm sticking to it!!!
i've really got a lot to do to set my place up, but i just had to tell y'all about it. i'm really grateful, and excited for this opportunity. bubba is gonna set me up a computer in my place before long. then i can spend more time with y'all!!
......................much love
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
blog......blog,..............blah!!!
now who you reckon ever thunk that i could be an author? yep,..............that's right,.................an ole' country boy from bama is an author, with the potential to be world wide famous. for all y'all that said that i would never amount to anything, pud a heaping wad of that in yer pipe, and toke on it!!
famous,...................me?......................never!! i think that i've had enough trials in this life without becoming famous!! does rich always come with great fame? naw,............unfortunately it doesn't, but if i got famous for writin' this lil' blog, then riches should follow purtee dang close!!
what do y'all reckon bout all that? do you think great riches, and fame would change Mr. illusion of confusion? i've certainly been on the bottom part of the scale, and i wouldn't mind crawling back up it a bit, but to ever be on top of that scale would scare me slap to death!!
the only way that i would ever want to be filthy rich is to actually be rich enough to invest fully in the united states greatest natural resource: the people. the people of this country are in dire straights when it comes to the economy. men and women go out and work everyday just to keep their head at water level. yep,............you guess it,....................those that don't have jobs, or get government checks, are below the water level, and they are drowning a slow suffocating death!! they are disappearing at an alarming rate, and the middle class are sinking down into their place. middle class America is slowly slipping away to become the new poor class of Americans.
who is causing all this devastation in our country? is there just one culprit, or are there several? how can this be possible?
the sad thing is that we voted for these actions to take place the last time we voted for a president. the young voters who couldn't remember what happened on 9-11 voted a radical Muslim into our white house. please don't tell me that man is a God fearing Christian with all his relatives are radical Muslim's. even my poor ole' dead mama taught me that the apple don't fall far from the tree!! wake up America, before it's too late!!
Obama is a socialist pig trying to divide our country then lead us into socialism. how did he ever run for that office anyway? who backed a Jr. whatever he actually was into the most powerful seat in this country? how did this man who didn't even make as much money as his wife get the funding to spend the most on his campaign?
hum,................now that's a good question wouldn't you say? where could a radical Muslim get enough money to run for president in the greatest free nation in the world, and why didn't he expose those who contributed to his campaign?
i personally don't know a lot about radical Muslims, but after 9-11 i've gained a little knowledge. the way that i see it the most radical, of the radical, and just wealthy enough to support Obama is...................................osama bin ladden!!
wake up Americans before it's too late!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
famous,...................me?......................never!! i think that i've had enough trials in this life without becoming famous!! does rich always come with great fame? naw,............unfortunately it doesn't, but if i got famous for writin' this lil' blog, then riches should follow purtee dang close!!
what do y'all reckon bout all that? do you think great riches, and fame would change Mr. illusion of confusion? i've certainly been on the bottom part of the scale, and i wouldn't mind crawling back up it a bit, but to ever be on top of that scale would scare me slap to death!!
the only way that i would ever want to be filthy rich is to actually be rich enough to invest fully in the united states greatest natural resource: the people. the people of this country are in dire straights when it comes to the economy. men and women go out and work everyday just to keep their head at water level. yep,............you guess it,....................those that don't have jobs, or get government checks, are below the water level, and they are drowning a slow suffocating death!! they are disappearing at an alarming rate, and the middle class are sinking down into their place. middle class America is slowly slipping away to become the new poor class of Americans.
who is causing all this devastation in our country? is there just one culprit, or are there several? how can this be possible?
the sad thing is that we voted for these actions to take place the last time we voted for a president. the young voters who couldn't remember what happened on 9-11 voted a radical Muslim into our white house. please don't tell me that man is a God fearing Christian with all his relatives are radical Muslim's. even my poor ole' dead mama taught me that the apple don't fall far from the tree!! wake up America, before it's too late!!
Obama is a socialist pig trying to divide our country then lead us into socialism. how did he ever run for that office anyway? who backed a Jr. whatever he actually was into the most powerful seat in this country? how did this man who didn't even make as much money as his wife get the funding to spend the most on his campaign?
hum,................now that's a good question wouldn't you say? where could a radical Muslim get enough money to run for president in the greatest free nation in the world, and why didn't he expose those who contributed to his campaign?
i personally don't know a lot about radical Muslims, but after 9-11 i've gained a little knowledge. the way that i see it the most radical, of the radical, and just wealthy enough to support Obama is...................................osama bin ladden!!
wake up Americans before it's too late!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
winn dixie.....fresh checked everyday?
i don't think so!! who are they trying to fool? they are trying to sell some rotten stuff to whomever may buy it!!
ok,.............let's get real for a second. i don't really like WD house brands to begin with. if it says WD, or thrifty maid be very cautious when purchasing. whatever national brand is worth the differince when shopping at WD.
ok,......................now let's get down to the real meat of why i'm wasting valuable blog time to concentrate on a failing company anyway. i'm going to concentrate on one store in particular, and it's the one in downtown Jacksonville. you don't have to worry if your sure that the one that i'm talking about is the right one, because there isn't but one down here. i guess that you could say that they have the market cornered in downtown.
i might not have a home, or a kitchen in which i can prepare fresh wholesome meals, but i still try to eat right. it can be a real challenge, but i feel that i do pretty good considering the circumstances. often,............well,...........at least three times a week i buy a salad. everybody need a little ruffage in their diet. seeing how i'm limited on places to shop downtown i shop at WD. usually, i'll buy a salad, and a bottle of thousand island dressing. actually, i eat two salads back to back, because the dressing dosn't last that long in this heat.
the other day i bought what they call a garden salad. it consist of a variety of lettuce, three cucumber slices, a couple cherry tomatoes, and half an egg split in half. as usual i always cull the white parts of the lettuce, and what ever romaine stems that they are in my salad. i basically like to just eat the green lettuce. i also pull out any wilted lettuce there is. i know that i'm kinda picky when cleaning my salad to eat, but i can accept that as just what i like. however, what i found in my salad the other night was totally unacceptable. it's was the whole entire four inches of core from a head of lettuce!! jeez louise,..............how lazy can an employee be?
i took the whole bag of lettuce that i had cleaned out of my salad back to the store the next morning. i walked in, and saw the two managers talking to each other. i walked up and waiting for them to say something to me. they both looked at me, and could tell that i was homeless. this raggedy ole' back pack that i carry is usually a dead give away, and started talking with each other again like they could care less what i needed.
after i saw what they were doing i interrupted them. are you the manager? the man looked at me kind of hard, and said yes. i threw my bag of lettuce leafs on the counter, and told him to take a look at what i got out of my salad last night. the man just looked inside of my bag, and said that is was just the normal wilting process going on.
i was about to get upset, and i pulled the core out from underneath the bag of normal wilting lettuce, and flopped it down on the counter. then i said, is this normal?
once again the manager look hard at me. i could tell that he was in no mood to deal with me on this day. he started telling me that sometimes through the processing of bagged salads that the manufacturer of the salads would let the cores slip through. he told me that he would make a note of it, and scold the manufacturer good. then he ask who the culprit was.
i paused answering him, because by now i had been totally disgusted by the way that i was treated. i took a deep breath, and kindly spoke these words to him. it was your company sir. it was a salad made by your employees in this store that were standing in last now. his jaw dropped as i continued speaking. do you reckon that they fresh checked this core to assure maximum enjoyment when it was eaten?
the face of the manager was beet red by now from the shame of embarrassment. he actually was having trouble talking, but he managed to muddle out that he was going to give me a full refund, and another free salad of my choosing. i took my money, and left the store. i don't like getting the second class citizen treatment, and that what i felt like he was giving me. isn't my money the same as other peoples money? i don't understand why i'm entitled to be treated any different that anybody else just because i carry a back pack busting at the seems with what's left of my life inside of it.
by the way i did get my free salad, and this time it didn't have a core in it. however, i threw as much away as i did in the first one. fresh checked everyday?
i'm not a big fan of WD to begin with, but i don't have any options at this present time. i decided that for dinner last night that i simply wanted to eat a tomato sandwhich. i thought that would be a meal good for me, and cheap. boy,...................was i wrong!! i actually ate three of them, and the bill only came to ten dollars!!!
hey,.....................i got it!!..........................this is just another illusion of confusion!!
ok,.............let's get real for a second. i don't really like WD house brands to begin with. if it says WD, or thrifty maid be very cautious when purchasing. whatever national brand is worth the differince when shopping at WD.
ok,......................now let's get down to the real meat of why i'm wasting valuable blog time to concentrate on a failing company anyway. i'm going to concentrate on one store in particular, and it's the one in downtown Jacksonville. you don't have to worry if your sure that the one that i'm talking about is the right one, because there isn't but one down here. i guess that you could say that they have the market cornered in downtown.
i might not have a home, or a kitchen in which i can prepare fresh wholesome meals, but i still try to eat right. it can be a real challenge, but i feel that i do pretty good considering the circumstances. often,............well,...........at least three times a week i buy a salad. everybody need a little ruffage in their diet. seeing how i'm limited on places to shop downtown i shop at WD. usually, i'll buy a salad, and a bottle of thousand island dressing. actually, i eat two salads back to back, because the dressing dosn't last that long in this heat.
the other day i bought what they call a garden salad. it consist of a variety of lettuce, three cucumber slices, a couple cherry tomatoes, and half an egg split in half. as usual i always cull the white parts of the lettuce, and what ever romaine stems that they are in my salad. i basically like to just eat the green lettuce. i also pull out any wilted lettuce there is. i know that i'm kinda picky when cleaning my salad to eat, but i can accept that as just what i like. however, what i found in my salad the other night was totally unacceptable. it's was the whole entire four inches of core from a head of lettuce!! jeez louise,..............how lazy can an employee be?
i took the whole bag of lettuce that i had cleaned out of my salad back to the store the next morning. i walked in, and saw the two managers talking to each other. i walked up and waiting for them to say something to me. they both looked at me, and could tell that i was homeless. this raggedy ole' back pack that i carry is usually a dead give away, and started talking with each other again like they could care less what i needed.
after i saw what they were doing i interrupted them. are you the manager? the man looked at me kind of hard, and said yes. i threw my bag of lettuce leafs on the counter, and told him to take a look at what i got out of my salad last night. the man just looked inside of my bag, and said that is was just the normal wilting process going on.
i was about to get upset, and i pulled the core out from underneath the bag of normal wilting lettuce, and flopped it down on the counter. then i said, is this normal?
once again the manager look hard at me. i could tell that he was in no mood to deal with me on this day. he started telling me that sometimes through the processing of bagged salads that the manufacturer of the salads would let the cores slip through. he told me that he would make a note of it, and scold the manufacturer good. then he ask who the culprit was.
i paused answering him, because by now i had been totally disgusted by the way that i was treated. i took a deep breath, and kindly spoke these words to him. it was your company sir. it was a salad made by your employees in this store that were standing in last now. his jaw dropped as i continued speaking. do you reckon that they fresh checked this core to assure maximum enjoyment when it was eaten?
the face of the manager was beet red by now from the shame of embarrassment. he actually was having trouble talking, but he managed to muddle out that he was going to give me a full refund, and another free salad of my choosing. i took my money, and left the store. i don't like getting the second class citizen treatment, and that what i felt like he was giving me. isn't my money the same as other peoples money? i don't understand why i'm entitled to be treated any different that anybody else just because i carry a back pack busting at the seems with what's left of my life inside of it.
by the way i did get my free salad, and this time it didn't have a core in it. however, i threw as much away as i did in the first one. fresh checked everyday?
i'm not a big fan of WD to begin with, but i don't have any options at this present time. i decided that for dinner last night that i simply wanted to eat a tomato sandwhich. i thought that would be a meal good for me, and cheap. boy,...................was i wrong!! i actually ate three of them, and the bill only came to ten dollars!!!
hey,.....................i got it!!..........................this is just another illusion of confusion!!
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
danger will robinson.......danger!!!!
do you ever just know when there is something that just ain't right? you might not know exactly what it is, but you sense something is wrong. usually that feeling stays with you until you locate what was wrong.
i don't think that i'm all that different than most folk's, other than the fact that i'm a reformed red neck from bama. i have had this uncanny sense when something is wrong all my life. maybe it's the presence of Angels in my life protecting me from harm? maybe it's some form of E.S.P.? maybe is just something that can't be explained. whatever it is i've had a fairly good dose of it for most of my life.
yesterday evening when i got ready to break for my camp, i had one of these feelings. i didn't know what it was, but i was sure that something wasn't right. i went ahead, got on the sky way, not knowing if it was going to derail at the highest point or not. maybe two of them were going to collide in mid-track.
i was sure that something was not right. i was so nervous riding the sky way last night that you could not have drove a pin up my bum hole with a sledge hammer!! i made it to the next to last stop, and rode to my stop with my eyes tightly squenched together, because i was expecting something bad to happen.
i got out of the rail car, and made it down the escalator to the front door. i breathed a sigh of relief as i walked through the parking lot, and suddenly my relief was replaced by the same thoughts. something was wrong, or maybe something bad was going to happen. i walked toward my campsite as the feeling was getting stronger. i thought that my campsite had been raided. i didn't have nothing in it but a blanket, water jug, and some pieces of cardboard. i knew that it wouldn't be a good haul if they had hit me, but all those things were important to me for my survival.
i was about to my campsite, and i was waiting on all the traffic to clear out before i crossed the road. when the last car had passed, i took off quickly, and keeping my head down, so the cars coming off the interstate off ramp could not see me. past the fence i went, and the closer that i got,.............i knew what was wrong............i had been raided!!
it didn't take long to access the damage, because it was in plain sight. i don't believe that a man should invade another man's camp for any reason. little lone to do what these scoundrels did to me!!
my blanket was lying on the ground covered up with some card board. on the top of the cardboard i had laid a palm leaf for camouflage purposes.
i can tell you exactly what these vandals did, even without ever seeing them. they took the palm leaf from covering the cardboard. then they took the cardboard from off the top of my blanket. then they laid the palm leaf back on top of my blanket, and went about their business.
i laughed so hard that i couldn't breathe when i saw this total move of desperation!! somebody desperately wanted a couple pieces of cardboard to use for something, and they were too lazy to find their own. what a riot!!
actually, i was so sure that something was going to happen that i was laughing about everything that had happened. the sky way, the cars, and the great effort by a couple professional burglars!! that just made my day. i can bring back some more cardboard to my camp tonight, but i would have been hard pressed to get another blanket. i'm grateful that all they took was the cardboard.
this world is filled with all kinds of different people. i'm the kind that finds humor in different places. do yourself a favor today, and those around you please. find something to laugh at in your everyday life. when you laugh around others, some will laugh with you, but the rest will smile!!
.................................much love.
i don't think that i'm all that different than most folk's, other than the fact that i'm a reformed red neck from bama. i have had this uncanny sense when something is wrong all my life. maybe it's the presence of Angels in my life protecting me from harm? maybe it's some form of E.S.P.? maybe is just something that can't be explained. whatever it is i've had a fairly good dose of it for most of my life.
yesterday evening when i got ready to break for my camp, i had one of these feelings. i didn't know what it was, but i was sure that something wasn't right. i went ahead, got on the sky way, not knowing if it was going to derail at the highest point or not. maybe two of them were going to collide in mid-track.
i was sure that something was not right. i was so nervous riding the sky way last night that you could not have drove a pin up my bum hole with a sledge hammer!! i made it to the next to last stop, and rode to my stop with my eyes tightly squenched together, because i was expecting something bad to happen.
i got out of the rail car, and made it down the escalator to the front door. i breathed a sigh of relief as i walked through the parking lot, and suddenly my relief was replaced by the same thoughts. something was wrong, or maybe something bad was going to happen. i walked toward my campsite as the feeling was getting stronger. i thought that my campsite had been raided. i didn't have nothing in it but a blanket, water jug, and some pieces of cardboard. i knew that it wouldn't be a good haul if they had hit me, but all those things were important to me for my survival.
i was about to my campsite, and i was waiting on all the traffic to clear out before i crossed the road. when the last car had passed, i took off quickly, and keeping my head down, so the cars coming off the interstate off ramp could not see me. past the fence i went, and the closer that i got,.............i knew what was wrong............i had been raided!!
it didn't take long to access the damage, because it was in plain sight. i don't believe that a man should invade another man's camp for any reason. little lone to do what these scoundrels did to me!!
my blanket was lying on the ground covered up with some card board. on the top of the cardboard i had laid a palm leaf for camouflage purposes.
i can tell you exactly what these vandals did, even without ever seeing them. they took the palm leaf from covering the cardboard. then they took the cardboard from off the top of my blanket. then they laid the palm leaf back on top of my blanket, and went about their business.
i laughed so hard that i couldn't breathe when i saw this total move of desperation!! somebody desperately wanted a couple pieces of cardboard to use for something, and they were too lazy to find their own. what a riot!!
actually, i was so sure that something was going to happen that i was laughing about everything that had happened. the sky way, the cars, and the great effort by a couple professional burglars!! that just made my day. i can bring back some more cardboard to my camp tonight, but i would have been hard pressed to get another blanket. i'm grateful that all they took was the cardboard.
this world is filled with all kinds of different people. i'm the kind that finds humor in different places. do yourself a favor today, and those around you please. find something to laugh at in your everyday life. when you laugh around others, some will laugh with you, but the rest will smile!!
.................................much love.
Monday, October 11, 2010
pity the rich!!
you ain't hard of hearing ,.................are you? i said pity the rich!! that's what the pastor said yesterday morning in church.
hey!!...............i just gotta tell y'all this. i was so proud of myself. i actually camped out saturday night, and got up, and went to church on my own. i still rode the bus from the mission just barely though. by the time i walked there it was after eight, and the guy at the desk gave me the cut throat sign that he was done dealing. i finally got him to come to the door, and talk with me. i told him that i didn't want to check in all i wanted was to ride the bus to church. he smiled real big , and said that he could do that. he actually went a head, and checked me in just in case i wanted to stay that night for free. sunday is always a free over night stay if you go to church with them. i told him that was ok, but he insisted on doing that in case it rained or something.
yep,..............that's right,..................that was the title of the pastors sermon yesterday morning, and he backed it up from God's word. he's is doing a series on money all this month. remember last weeks blog: money is money.
he said that there is nothing wrong with having money if you didn't base your identity on it. when we base our identity on anything but what God's word says about us. if we lose that thing that we based our identity on, it will cause us devastation.
now,......if you have a lot of money, property, or anything of great value,and you understand the fact that the only reason that you have those things are a gift from God, you wont be devastated if you lose them. your identity will be secure in God's word.
it has always been my experience that any time God that something from you, that
He always replaces it with better. i'm not sure in my case though. God stripped me clean of every thing but one bag of clothes, and my breath. i sinned against God, and before i repented of it, He took almost every thing. honestly though, if God doesn't ever do anything more for me it will not bother me, because
He has already done enough!!!
today i went to take a shower at new life. normally, i just go in, and take one. today there was a line, and i had to wait for a while. the good thing about taking showers there is the fact that they don't rush you. they want you take all the time that you need to get clean. i really like this, because if you go a couple days without one on the streets, a man can tend to get funky. y'all all know that there has to be a downside to it. with every good thing there is aways a drawback. today it was no hot water was left. thankfully, it still was a little warm, so once i got under the water, i stayed under the water. i actually used almost half on a new bar of soap!!
i've always loved to take a shower. when i had a home i would take a shower caddy with me to the bathroom. i didn't know this at the time, but i was spoiled rotten. i got used to the comforts that a tramp can't not have on a daily basis. like body wash, shampoo, conditioner, fresh razors, clippers, and etc. most of the time we just get a piece of soap if we don't have our own, and a towel that badly worn, and child size. man,........i'm just grateful to get the water in a shower. if i can't get anything else i will just rinse most of the grime off, and try my best to shake the water off my body like a dog does!! yeah,...........right,.............i bet you can just see my red necked tanned body shaking at that speed. that even made me laugh!!!
i guess the worst thing about being homeless is the way that people look at you. they just seems to get a snobbish look about them, as they pass by. most city people have trained themselves to look forward when they see one of us, and pretend that were not even there. i get a sick kick from speaking to them. some of them that don't answer, you can actually see their face clinching, as they rush right past me.
something has changed inside of me. i no longer just want to be left along. i'm becoming a glutton for attention. all of a sudden i need people in my life. where before i lived like a hermit. i walk down the street, and greet almost every body that i meet. some of them are relieved like they were scared that i intended to cause them harm, and some are just prudish, and pass hurriedly.
when ever i speak to people i do it from the heart. i don't cull the folks out, and i don't place them in categories. i just speak, because that's the country boy thing to do. that is the way i was raised. when i was growing up i was taught to be friendly to everybody.
i guess what bothers me the most is not the rich business man that turns his lip up at me. it's not even the gorgeous woman that could be a super model showing her true arrogance by turning her head away quickly when i speak her. what it actually upsets me the most is a different breed all together. i'll give you an example of that breed.
today i was going to take the sky way to take a shower. i don't think that i was smelling that bad. then again should it matter. this woman got on the sky way, and when she sit down, i said mornin'. she quickly jerked her head as if she was looking out the window. i just thought "oh well,............i've been here before."
then it happened. i've trained myself to speak no matter what the appearance of a person is, and i don't judge them by appearance. there had to be a reason, but somehow my eyes were opened to this woman. she was this little short obese woman, with dumbo ears, and jaws that would make a hound dog jealous. do you remember the hound dog from the Beverly hillbillies that they called duke? her jaws would have made poor ole' duke bury his head out back by the cement pond!! there was nothing attractive about her in the least. she definitely could have used a Jenny Jones makeover, but that wouldn't have done nothing but make her attitude worst that it was. i sat there thinking how sad that she didn't have anything good going for her, and she simply had dissed me, because i was a tramp. oh,...............well,.............life goes on!!
i have never had a lazy bone in my body. what i did to stay busy before was work in the yard. i love a nice kept yard. it makes the neighbors know that somebody in the house cares about something. since i've came down with this back trouble i had to let the yard suffer a bit. then when the mower blew up i just quit altogether.
now, that i'm homeless i still try to stay active, and the only real way that i can is through writing this little blog each day. please don't think that i'm sitting in the libarary doing nothing but writing, because i'm not. don't forget that being homeless is a 24/7 hour job. i walk to Winn Dixie everyday, at least once. i walk every where else that i need to go. i couldn't tell you really how many miles i walk during the day, but it has to be several. i even walk more on the weekend, because the sky way is closed, and i must walk to my hiding place.
i've often wondered if my walking is actually beneficial to me? i used to walk two blocks, and need to give my back and hip a break. the fires of hell would travel from my buttocks down to my knees. it still hurts a lot, but i don't have to rest often anymore. sometimes i can make it tree blocks without a break.
i've noticed that some of those people in the same shape that i'm in stay active with doing something. they actually seem to be dealing with this a little better than those that sit all day, and do nothing. far too many have given up completely. they are just waiting on somebody to feed them, and give them fresh clothes to wear. they rarely shower, and you can tell this a few feet away from them.
this is not my first time out here. i've been here before. i spent a few years in this shape, and almost hit the point of no return. yeah,....it's true. there's like the invisible line that when people cross, from that point on they can never return into active society. i think that once i was standing on it, and teetering which direction to go. i had got to the point that i was severely digested with myself, and what i had become, so that it would take an act of God to ever make me humane again.
this time i've got a full advantage on the situation. i'm no longer in a battle with alcohol or drugs. that saves a lot of jail time, and keeps your emotions above the surface of the water, and your not always about to drown in your own pity pot. man,..........that a total freedom in itself!!
i'm not out all the time trying to get back what the world owes me, because nobody owes me anything. i'm not begging, or stealing, and just because somebody is giving something away doesn't mean that i have to have it. all my needs are being met, simply because i have few.
i'm content right where i'm at in life. yeah,.........that's what i said, " i'm content right where i'm at in life." i didn't say that i was satisfied with it. i'm not saying that i've gave up either. what i'm saying is no matter where i'm at in this life i know that there is a reason that i'm there. it doesn't even make me a failure either. actually,..............it kind of makes me a winner in the big scheme of things. know why?...........................................PITY THE RICH!!
..............much love
hey!!...............i just gotta tell y'all this. i was so proud of myself. i actually camped out saturday night, and got up, and went to church on my own. i still rode the bus from the mission just barely though. by the time i walked there it was after eight, and the guy at the desk gave me the cut throat sign that he was done dealing. i finally got him to come to the door, and talk with me. i told him that i didn't want to check in all i wanted was to ride the bus to church. he smiled real big , and said that he could do that. he actually went a head, and checked me in just in case i wanted to stay that night for free. sunday is always a free over night stay if you go to church with them. i told him that was ok, but he insisted on doing that in case it rained or something.
yep,..............that's right,..................that was the title of the pastors sermon yesterday morning, and he backed it up from God's word. he's is doing a series on money all this month. remember last weeks blog: money is money.
he said that there is nothing wrong with having money if you didn't base your identity on it. when we base our identity on anything but what God's word says about us. if we lose that thing that we based our identity on, it will cause us devastation.
now,......if you have a lot of money, property, or anything of great value,and you understand the fact that the only reason that you have those things are a gift from God, you wont be devastated if you lose them. your identity will be secure in God's word.
it has always been my experience that any time God that something from you, that
He always replaces it with better. i'm not sure in my case though. God stripped me clean of every thing but one bag of clothes, and my breath. i sinned against God, and before i repented of it, He took almost every thing. honestly though, if God doesn't ever do anything more for me it will not bother me, because
He has already done enough!!!
today i went to take a shower at new life. normally, i just go in, and take one. today there was a line, and i had to wait for a while. the good thing about taking showers there is the fact that they don't rush you. they want you take all the time that you need to get clean. i really like this, because if you go a couple days without one on the streets, a man can tend to get funky. y'all all know that there has to be a downside to it. with every good thing there is aways a drawback. today it was no hot water was left. thankfully, it still was a little warm, so once i got under the water, i stayed under the water. i actually used almost half on a new bar of soap!!
i've always loved to take a shower. when i had a home i would take a shower caddy with me to the bathroom. i didn't know this at the time, but i was spoiled rotten. i got used to the comforts that a tramp can't not have on a daily basis. like body wash, shampoo, conditioner, fresh razors, clippers, and etc. most of the time we just get a piece of soap if we don't have our own, and a towel that badly worn, and child size. man,........i'm just grateful to get the water in a shower. if i can't get anything else i will just rinse most of the grime off, and try my best to shake the water off my body like a dog does!! yeah,...........right,.............i bet you can just see my red necked tanned body shaking at that speed. that even made me laugh!!!
i guess the worst thing about being homeless is the way that people look at you. they just seems to get a snobbish look about them, as they pass by. most city people have trained themselves to look forward when they see one of us, and pretend that were not even there. i get a sick kick from speaking to them. some of them that don't answer, you can actually see their face clinching, as they rush right past me.
something has changed inside of me. i no longer just want to be left along. i'm becoming a glutton for attention. all of a sudden i need people in my life. where before i lived like a hermit. i walk down the street, and greet almost every body that i meet. some of them are relieved like they were scared that i intended to cause them harm, and some are just prudish, and pass hurriedly.
when ever i speak to people i do it from the heart. i don't cull the folks out, and i don't place them in categories. i just speak, because that's the country boy thing to do. that is the way i was raised. when i was growing up i was taught to be friendly to everybody.
i guess what bothers me the most is not the rich business man that turns his lip up at me. it's not even the gorgeous woman that could be a super model showing her true arrogance by turning her head away quickly when i speak her. what it actually upsets me the most is a different breed all together. i'll give you an example of that breed.
today i was going to take the sky way to take a shower. i don't think that i was smelling that bad. then again should it matter. this woman got on the sky way, and when she sit down, i said mornin'. she quickly jerked her head as if she was looking out the window. i just thought "oh well,............i've been here before."
then it happened. i've trained myself to speak no matter what the appearance of a person is, and i don't judge them by appearance. there had to be a reason, but somehow my eyes were opened to this woman. she was this little short obese woman, with dumbo ears, and jaws that would make a hound dog jealous. do you remember the hound dog from the Beverly hillbillies that they called duke? her jaws would have made poor ole' duke bury his head out back by the cement pond!! there was nothing attractive about her in the least. she definitely could have used a Jenny Jones makeover, but that wouldn't have done nothing but make her attitude worst that it was. i sat there thinking how sad that she didn't have anything good going for her, and she simply had dissed me, because i was a tramp. oh,...............well,.............life goes on!!
i have never had a lazy bone in my body. what i did to stay busy before was work in the yard. i love a nice kept yard. it makes the neighbors know that somebody in the house cares about something. since i've came down with this back trouble i had to let the yard suffer a bit. then when the mower blew up i just quit altogether.
now, that i'm homeless i still try to stay active, and the only real way that i can is through writing this little blog each day. please don't think that i'm sitting in the libarary doing nothing but writing, because i'm not. don't forget that being homeless is a 24/7 hour job. i walk to Winn Dixie everyday, at least once. i walk every where else that i need to go. i couldn't tell you really how many miles i walk during the day, but it has to be several. i even walk more on the weekend, because the sky way is closed, and i must walk to my hiding place.
i've often wondered if my walking is actually beneficial to me? i used to walk two blocks, and need to give my back and hip a break. the fires of hell would travel from my buttocks down to my knees. it still hurts a lot, but i don't have to rest often anymore. sometimes i can make it tree blocks without a break.
i've noticed that some of those people in the same shape that i'm in stay active with doing something. they actually seem to be dealing with this a little better than those that sit all day, and do nothing. far too many have given up completely. they are just waiting on somebody to feed them, and give them fresh clothes to wear. they rarely shower, and you can tell this a few feet away from them.
this is not my first time out here. i've been here before. i spent a few years in this shape, and almost hit the point of no return. yeah,....it's true. there's like the invisible line that when people cross, from that point on they can never return into active society. i think that once i was standing on it, and teetering which direction to go. i had got to the point that i was severely digested with myself, and what i had become, so that it would take an act of God to ever make me humane again.
this time i've got a full advantage on the situation. i'm no longer in a battle with alcohol or drugs. that saves a lot of jail time, and keeps your emotions above the surface of the water, and your not always about to drown in your own pity pot. man,..........that a total freedom in itself!!
i'm not out all the time trying to get back what the world owes me, because nobody owes me anything. i'm not begging, or stealing, and just because somebody is giving something away doesn't mean that i have to have it. all my needs are being met, simply because i have few.
i'm content right where i'm at in life. yeah,.........that's what i said, " i'm content right where i'm at in life." i didn't say that i was satisfied with it. i'm not saying that i've gave up either. what i'm saying is no matter where i'm at in this life i know that there is a reason that i'm there. it doesn't even make me a failure either. actually,..............it kind of makes me a winner in the big scheme of things. know why?...........................................PITY THE RICH!!
..............much love
Saturday, October 9, 2010
justa ramblin'
i guess everybody takes at least one day off a week, and even a tramp like me gets to also. yeah,.....i prefer the name tramp if you must give me a label. i think a hobo are those that ride the trains. those train riding hobo's risk their lives every time that catch a train. if the train don't kill them, then the yard workers (they are called bulldawgs) will beat the living crap from them. if the train don't get you, and the bulldawg's don't either, and if that's not bad enough it's a federal felony if you get caught. jeez, and i thought that i had enough trouble with j.s.o.!! i'm not sure why a man would risk all that just to travel. i didn't realize until on of them showed me his hobo clothes that the train was that nasty. i had known that every one that i ever saw on the television that they were filthy. they actually carry a bag just to keep their hobo clothes in, because they get so dirty that neither the clothes, or the bag that they are in are fit for anything else. now that was a fun fact that amazed even me.
anyway, like i said, and started to say i'm just a rambling because tomorrow is the day that i choose to take off. kind of like most of the world is on friday.
have y'all ever seen a city rat? i've heard tales of the sewer rat's in new york city, but i've actually never saw one of those other than on the boob tube. honestly, if i never set me foot in New York City that will be to soon. i could write all day why i wouldn't want to go to that city, but that will be another time if it happens at all.
now where was i ? oh,.........yeah,.............back to the city rats. we have the biggest rats in the plaza!! there are the same size as the rats in the country, but one difference. they are bolder!! they don't come out in the day, but from dusk to dawn they run all through the plaza. the first time that i saw one i was kicked back on a park bench, and that scoundrel came running out from the bushes, and straight for me!! i lifted my legs, and it ran right underneath me. it was over a foot long, and didn't look like it had ever missed a meal. when it ran it had a waddle to it. the attack of the killer rats!!
that makes me think about saturday late night television. now you will have to be from my generation or before to even relate to this. were going back in the day to the black & white t.v.'s. back in the day when it took three folks to tune the t.v. in, so it would be clear. you needed one person to watch the t.v., one person with a strong voice to scream directions to the third person who was turning the antenna on the pole. after that was accomplished you better pray for a windless evening, or this could go on all night long!!
i remember up in north Alabama on saturday late nights there was a show called shock theatre. the host was always dressed up as some kinda ghoul, or something like that. the showed what we now call classic horror films. like the mummy, Frankenstein, and the return of the killer tomatoes!! i don't even think that did a rat movie until the 70's, and all kinds of craziness like that, but back in the day that was the highlight of my weekend. i guess that the music that i loved to listen to growing up now is called classic also. a few more years they will be the golden oldies. man i'm getting old!!
i have finally figured out why old people like to reminisce so much. simply because you younger years will be some of the funnest years in your life time. i'm not saying that you want never have fun again, but it's different. at least for me it is. plus, things were made of higher quality then, and times were more laid back.
maybe i should call this the homeless report. nah,.......not really, because i don't plan to be here long. i don't really want to plant that seed, because as sure as i do somebody will come behind me, and take a crap on it, and someone else tinkle on it, and cause it to manifest. i feel that i'm getting close. i know that i was put here for a reason, and it was not punishment. maybe it was to get a great look at those suffering on the streets? it could have been to talk to them, and sympathize with them? i've really got a different outlook on the struggles of this life. this trip i caused me to need, and rely on people. i never really needed many people in my life,but that's selfish, and very self-centered. this might just be crazy as a Bessy bug thinking, but maybe there are some people in this world that need me. now,................ain't that a thought!! who would need this old tramp with a broken down body? apparently on the larger scheme of things God has a purpose for me to fill in this world.
during these past 70ish days, i got a chance to take a glimpse at my past life through the eyes of others, and it just now came to me!! i've met quite a few men from my past life that has told me that i made a difference in their lives. every time one of them said something like that i was way too ashamed to hold my head up. i really couldn't look them in the eye. i was thinking that i have never done anything extra good in this world, but over these past 70ish days when you pull it all together it makes since now. i was convinced that i had been a failure in this life. after i put all this together now i know that i have placed my mark on this world in a way that only i could have done it.
that is the soul reason that i'm happiest when i help others. that's what i do best, and i love to make a difference in the lives of others. i need to find away to help these street people, or maybe that was just my training ground, i'm not sure,...................yet. i know that some where out in this world that i have a mission to go on, and this time it's not just my imagination working over time.
i need to stop writing now, and go chill out. i need to let some on this sink into my head and heart. you probably don't know this, but when i write, i may have a general idea what i'm going to write, but usually it's straight of the cuff. this my friends was an Epiphany, or maybe a bonifide revelation. i'm not sure, but it was good for me!!
.................much love
anyway, like i said, and started to say i'm just a rambling because tomorrow is the day that i choose to take off. kind of like most of the world is on friday.
have y'all ever seen a city rat? i've heard tales of the sewer rat's in new york city, but i've actually never saw one of those other than on the boob tube. honestly, if i never set me foot in New York City that will be to soon. i could write all day why i wouldn't want to go to that city, but that will be another time if it happens at all.
now where was i ? oh,.........yeah,.............back to the city rats. we have the biggest rats in the plaza!! there are the same size as the rats in the country, but one difference. they are bolder!! they don't come out in the day, but from dusk to dawn they run all through the plaza. the first time that i saw one i was kicked back on a park bench, and that scoundrel came running out from the bushes, and straight for me!! i lifted my legs, and it ran right underneath me. it was over a foot long, and didn't look like it had ever missed a meal. when it ran it had a waddle to it. the attack of the killer rats!!
that makes me think about saturday late night television. now you will have to be from my generation or before to even relate to this. were going back in the day to the black & white t.v.'s. back in the day when it took three folks to tune the t.v. in, so it would be clear. you needed one person to watch the t.v., one person with a strong voice to scream directions to the third person who was turning the antenna on the pole. after that was accomplished you better pray for a windless evening, or this could go on all night long!!
i remember up in north Alabama on saturday late nights there was a show called shock theatre. the host was always dressed up as some kinda ghoul, or something like that. the showed what we now call classic horror films. like the mummy, Frankenstein, and the return of the killer tomatoes!! i don't even think that did a rat movie until the 70's, and all kinds of craziness like that, but back in the day that was the highlight of my weekend. i guess that the music that i loved to listen to growing up now is called classic also. a few more years they will be the golden oldies. man i'm getting old!!
i have finally figured out why old people like to reminisce so much. simply because you younger years will be some of the funnest years in your life time. i'm not saying that you want never have fun again, but it's different. at least for me it is. plus, things were made of higher quality then, and times were more laid back.
maybe i should call this the homeless report. nah,.......not really, because i don't plan to be here long. i don't really want to plant that seed, because as sure as i do somebody will come behind me, and take a crap on it, and someone else tinkle on it, and cause it to manifest. i feel that i'm getting close. i know that i was put here for a reason, and it was not punishment. maybe it was to get a great look at those suffering on the streets? it could have been to talk to them, and sympathize with them? i've really got a different outlook on the struggles of this life. this trip i caused me to need, and rely on people. i never really needed many people in my life,but that's selfish, and very self-centered. this might just be crazy as a Bessy bug thinking, but maybe there are some people in this world that need me. now,................ain't that a thought!! who would need this old tramp with a broken down body? apparently on the larger scheme of things God has a purpose for me to fill in this world.
during these past 70ish days, i got a chance to take a glimpse at my past life through the eyes of others, and it just now came to me!! i've met quite a few men from my past life that has told me that i made a difference in their lives. every time one of them said something like that i was way too ashamed to hold my head up. i really couldn't look them in the eye. i was thinking that i have never done anything extra good in this world, but over these past 70ish days when you pull it all together it makes since now. i was convinced that i had been a failure in this life. after i put all this together now i know that i have placed my mark on this world in a way that only i could have done it.
that is the soul reason that i'm happiest when i help others. that's what i do best, and i love to make a difference in the lives of others. i need to find away to help these street people, or maybe that was just my training ground, i'm not sure,...................yet. i know that some where out in this world that i have a mission to go on, and this time it's not just my imagination working over time.
i need to stop writing now, and go chill out. i need to let some on this sink into my head and heart. you probably don't know this, but when i write, i may have a general idea what i'm going to write, but usually it's straight of the cuff. this my friends was an Epiphany, or maybe a bonifide revelation. i'm not sure, but it was good for me!!
.................much love
Friday, October 8, 2010
last night was awesome!!!!!
hey y'all . you must realize for a person living on the streets it can get pretty boring. i don't have much problem with it though, because i have a vivid imagination, and i'm a people watcher also. i am very amazed at the stuff i see people do in the public eye. you would just have to see it to believe it.
i feel very secure on the streets. my street smarts have come back in full force. there is little that goes on around me that i don't see or hear. my judgement of trouble places, and people have heightened. most of the time i walk alone with minimal trouble.
i want to tell about last night. i went to what i call my covey hole. it's where i sleep at night. it's actually on the ground by one of the interstates off ramp. usually, by the time that it get dusk i'm ready to settle down. sometimes i head that way before dusk, but the sun has to be down to the point that people are using their car lights to drive, but not quite dark yet.
last night i started heading out at 6:30, by the time i actually get there is dark enough not to blow my cover. i always spread my blanket on the ground beside the wall. then i sit down taking from my bag what i will need at night. medications, food, drinks, ...etc. then i aways pull my shoes , and socks off for a while. everything needs to be aired out including my feet.
now last night was no different that any other night, or so it seemed. i've grow used to the people walking down the street headed home after a hard days work. i can't actually predict the time it is, by who i see. i've got a watch, but rarely look at it once i go in for the night. it's rare if anybody notices my sitting there leaned up against that wall. i told you i have a vivid imagination, so to me i'm like a super spy, or james bond, but i never get the girl. i'm hiding in the wide open, and i get some sort of cheap thrill from doing it.
last night i saw blinking lights in the parking lot across the street, so being the super sleuth that i am, i needed to look closer. it turned out just to be a large dump truck sitting in that parking lot. i really didn't think much of it at the time.
then i saw another big dump truck turning into the parking lot, and it pulled right up behind him.now i new that something had to be going on when a third truck pulled behind the both of them. there is never anybody that uses that parking lot after dark, besides the police, and they are doing the same thing that i am, hiding in plain sight.
before long i figured out what was going on when i saw the brush truck pulling in the lot followed by a water truck. the state of Florida was going to pave a road, but which one? if they paved the one in front of me i would be exposed to their bright light that the use while paving.
i was sitting there wondering whether i should repack my bag, and get out of there, or just wait it out. about that time it had come to me that nobody was using the off ramp. i stayed still listening for somebody to come off it, and nobody ever did, so i thought surely it was the off ramp that they we going to be working on.
just about that time i heard the god awful racket come down one of the other streets. i really didn't know what it was, but i knew that i had heard this noise before. just about the time i remembered what it was this gigantic road machine came into sight. it had very bright light on it, and it would vibrate the ground over a block away, because it had tracks on it like a military tank does.
during all this time i had been watching carefully and singing. yep,...........that's right, i was singing. the man that will not sign in front of anybody, simply loves to sing when i'm alone. i know that i'm not any good that why i do it alone.
all of a sudden i heard a strange noise over my head. i instantly grew quiet. after a few minutes of listening i came to the conclusion that somebody was using a tape measure over my head. i sit there with great hope that the road machine was heading to the off ramp. the closer it got the louder is was, and i was at the point of holding my breath when the gigantic road machine started heading up the off ramp. i let my breath out , and gave a sigh of relief that it didn't go on down the one way street in front of me. i wasn't actually sure where they were going to pave. i was just relieved that it wasn't the road in front of me.
as the big noise, i'm sorry, the big noisy road machine got closer to me i but my back flat against the wall. the vibrations grew stronger and stronger. i really didn't mind all the noise as the vibration soothed my aching back. it felt so wonderful that i just closed my eyes, and press my back up against the wall even harder. it wasn't long until the vibrations got week, and the noise level settled down.
i grouched down on my hands and knee's to crawl forward, so i could check out the action from the parking lot. the big dump trucks were heading my direction. when i saw that everything in that lot was gone, i slowly back tracked on my hands and knee's. i imagine that james bond would have duck walked, or something spectacular like that, but even using my imagination i can't pull off those kinds of things.
i heard the roar of the dump trucks, and then i heard the squeal of the brakes. the all of a sudden i heard that loud beeping noise that heavy machinery make when they are backing up. at that point in time i realized that they were going to do the off ramp. i still wasn't sure that i would be able to stay there. i wasn't going to mind the noise, i wasn't too sure that i could handle breathing the toxic fumes that come with paving a road.
it was eight o'clock when a supervisor over the operation pulled up at the end of the ramp. he was directly in my sight, as i was his. that made me a little bit nervous, and i went into my role playing mode. i sit very still as i watched him get out of the truck, and head around in front of the truck to the ramp. whew,.....that was close, but he didn't see me. no sooner that i took that last breath, another supervisor pulled in behind him, and was even closer to than he was. i repeated the same process of just being really still, and watching. he never left the truck, and then slowly back out in the road and went on his way.
you can bet your grandma's favorite that i was having the time of my life secretly roll playing last night. i really wasn't in any great danger if i were spotted, but i had to test the waters to really know how well hidden that i really was to begin with.
now, i was sitting on the side of the off ramp, and wall was about ten foot there, and steadily going up. all of a sudden there were bright lights every where on the ramp. then with a flash they started the road machine up. when it actually started doing what it does. that's grinding up the old road to use as a base for the new asphalt i was thrilled. the grinding sound of pavement colliding with metal blades was great. then the smoke show had started. the smoke just billowed from the machine, and was going through the lights took me back to my concert days, but this was better than any smoke machine, because it was real.
i simple sit there with back up against the wall getting a great massaging action going on. i figured my super sleuth game was over, so i popped the top on my favorite can of chef boyarde', and became to eat. the smoke was billowing over me, and fading off in the still of the night. it actually looked good the way that it traveled.
it was getting close to ten, and i have just finished my meal. i got up, and walked over to the fence to relieve myself. gosh danggitt, there was a worker sitting on the side of the guard rail about ten feet in front of me..........the game was on again. i had to tinkle really bad, and i was willing to take a chance of getting seen to do so. i new that no matter how much noise that i made that he wasn't able to hear it, so i went ahead , and started doing my business. i was about half way done, and he turned his head toward my general direction talking with somebody else. then i done something that i never in my life done before, i stood flat footed, finishing my business while looking into another man's eyes, and thank God that never looked my direction. whew,.................i'm really not sure what would have happened if he had of, but i probably would have that part out of my story.
after that little event i was shaken a bit, so i decided just to stop this imaginary game that i had going. i was quite sure that my covey hole was a very safe place to be at night. i went back, and i set back down again beside the wall, and to the right of me there were three workers sitting on the guard rail. in my heart i new that i was safe, and didn't have anything to worry about, and instantly when that thought passed through my mind, someone threw something over the side. i saw it, and i saw where it hit, and i thought it was a slab of rock. then suddenly this dude looked over , and he saw me. he said to his comrades that there was a dude down there. the two men looked over, and the third one spoke to me. he said, "what's up?" and i replied, " just chillin'."
nary other word was said, but i finally knew that i had been seen, and there for i was busted. i layed down to go to sleep, because i was safe again. those three working class men would not call the law on me, and i was confident that they would make sure that nothing was thrown down on me.
i'm confident of another thing. if you don't have imagination, and you don't absolutely let it run wild sometimes. then you are a old fuddy duddy!! try it sometime soon, but be care full. it can become habit forming!!
much love.......................Mr. illusion of confusion
i feel very secure on the streets. my street smarts have come back in full force. there is little that goes on around me that i don't see or hear. my judgement of trouble places, and people have heightened. most of the time i walk alone with minimal trouble.
i want to tell about last night. i went to what i call my covey hole. it's where i sleep at night. it's actually on the ground by one of the interstates off ramp. usually, by the time that it get dusk i'm ready to settle down. sometimes i head that way before dusk, but the sun has to be down to the point that people are using their car lights to drive, but not quite dark yet.
last night i started heading out at 6:30, by the time i actually get there is dark enough not to blow my cover. i always spread my blanket on the ground beside the wall. then i sit down taking from my bag what i will need at night. medications, food, drinks, ...etc. then i aways pull my shoes , and socks off for a while. everything needs to be aired out including my feet.
now last night was no different that any other night, or so it seemed. i've grow used to the people walking down the street headed home after a hard days work. i can't actually predict the time it is, by who i see. i've got a watch, but rarely look at it once i go in for the night. it's rare if anybody notices my sitting there leaned up against that wall. i told you i have a vivid imagination, so to me i'm like a super spy, or james bond, but i never get the girl. i'm hiding in the wide open, and i get some sort of cheap thrill from doing it.
last night i saw blinking lights in the parking lot across the street, so being the super sleuth that i am, i needed to look closer. it turned out just to be a large dump truck sitting in that parking lot. i really didn't think much of it at the time.
then i saw another big dump truck turning into the parking lot, and it pulled right up behind him.now i new that something had to be going on when a third truck pulled behind the both of them. there is never anybody that uses that parking lot after dark, besides the police, and they are doing the same thing that i am, hiding in plain sight.
before long i figured out what was going on when i saw the brush truck pulling in the lot followed by a water truck. the state of Florida was going to pave a road, but which one? if they paved the one in front of me i would be exposed to their bright light that the use while paving.
i was sitting there wondering whether i should repack my bag, and get out of there, or just wait it out. about that time it had come to me that nobody was using the off ramp. i stayed still listening for somebody to come off it, and nobody ever did, so i thought surely it was the off ramp that they we going to be working on.
just about that time i heard the god awful racket come down one of the other streets. i really didn't know what it was, but i knew that i had heard this noise before. just about the time i remembered what it was this gigantic road machine came into sight. it had very bright light on it, and it would vibrate the ground over a block away, because it had tracks on it like a military tank does.
during all this time i had been watching carefully and singing. yep,...........that's right, i was singing. the man that will not sign in front of anybody, simply loves to sing when i'm alone. i know that i'm not any good that why i do it alone.
all of a sudden i heard a strange noise over my head. i instantly grew quiet. after a few minutes of listening i came to the conclusion that somebody was using a tape measure over my head. i sit there with great hope that the road machine was heading to the off ramp. the closer it got the louder is was, and i was at the point of holding my breath when the gigantic road machine started heading up the off ramp. i let my breath out , and gave a sigh of relief that it didn't go on down the one way street in front of me. i wasn't actually sure where they were going to pave. i was just relieved that it wasn't the road in front of me.
as the big noise, i'm sorry, the big noisy road machine got closer to me i but my back flat against the wall. the vibrations grew stronger and stronger. i really didn't mind all the noise as the vibration soothed my aching back. it felt so wonderful that i just closed my eyes, and press my back up against the wall even harder. it wasn't long until the vibrations got week, and the noise level settled down.
i grouched down on my hands and knee's to crawl forward, so i could check out the action from the parking lot. the big dump trucks were heading my direction. when i saw that everything in that lot was gone, i slowly back tracked on my hands and knee's. i imagine that james bond would have duck walked, or something spectacular like that, but even using my imagination i can't pull off those kinds of things.
i heard the roar of the dump trucks, and then i heard the squeal of the brakes. the all of a sudden i heard that loud beeping noise that heavy machinery make when they are backing up. at that point in time i realized that they were going to do the off ramp. i still wasn't sure that i would be able to stay there. i wasn't going to mind the noise, i wasn't too sure that i could handle breathing the toxic fumes that come with paving a road.
it was eight o'clock when a supervisor over the operation pulled up at the end of the ramp. he was directly in my sight, as i was his. that made me a little bit nervous, and i went into my role playing mode. i sit very still as i watched him get out of the truck, and head around in front of the truck to the ramp. whew,.....that was close, but he didn't see me. no sooner that i took that last breath, another supervisor pulled in behind him, and was even closer to than he was. i repeated the same process of just being really still, and watching. he never left the truck, and then slowly back out in the road and went on his way.
you can bet your grandma's favorite that i was having the time of my life secretly roll playing last night. i really wasn't in any great danger if i were spotted, but i had to test the waters to really know how well hidden that i really was to begin with.
now, i was sitting on the side of the off ramp, and wall was about ten foot there, and steadily going up. all of a sudden there were bright lights every where on the ramp. then with a flash they started the road machine up. when it actually started doing what it does. that's grinding up the old road to use as a base for the new asphalt i was thrilled. the grinding sound of pavement colliding with metal blades was great. then the smoke show had started. the smoke just billowed from the machine, and was going through the lights took me back to my concert days, but this was better than any smoke machine, because it was real.
i simple sit there with back up against the wall getting a great massaging action going on. i figured my super sleuth game was over, so i popped the top on my favorite can of chef boyarde', and became to eat. the smoke was billowing over me, and fading off in the still of the night. it actually looked good the way that it traveled.
it was getting close to ten, and i have just finished my meal. i got up, and walked over to the fence to relieve myself. gosh danggitt, there was a worker sitting on the side of the guard rail about ten feet in front of me..........the game was on again. i had to tinkle really bad, and i was willing to take a chance of getting seen to do so. i new that no matter how much noise that i made that he wasn't able to hear it, so i went ahead , and started doing my business. i was about half way done, and he turned his head toward my general direction talking with somebody else. then i done something that i never in my life done before, i stood flat footed, finishing my business while looking into another man's eyes, and thank God that never looked my direction. whew,.................i'm really not sure what would have happened if he had of, but i probably would have that part out of my story.
after that little event i was shaken a bit, so i decided just to stop this imaginary game that i had going. i was quite sure that my covey hole was a very safe place to be at night. i went back, and i set back down again beside the wall, and to the right of me there were three workers sitting on the guard rail. in my heart i new that i was safe, and didn't have anything to worry about, and instantly when that thought passed through my mind, someone threw something over the side. i saw it, and i saw where it hit, and i thought it was a slab of rock. then suddenly this dude looked over , and he saw me. he said to his comrades that there was a dude down there. the two men looked over, and the third one spoke to me. he said, "what's up?" and i replied, " just chillin'."
nary other word was said, but i finally knew that i had been seen, and there for i was busted. i layed down to go to sleep, because i was safe again. those three working class men would not call the law on me, and i was confident that they would make sure that nothing was thrown down on me.
i'm confident of another thing. if you don't have imagination, and you don't absolutely let it run wild sometimes. then you are a old fuddy duddy!! try it sometime soon, but be care full. it can become habit forming!!
much love.......................Mr. illusion of confusion
Thursday, October 7, 2010
the strange thing is.....
it just has come to my attention that i rarely share my feeling with my readers. i include all kinds of intimate details of my life, but seldom tell you how i really feel about things. considering my current condition in life i know that my emotions are highly unstable. they go from one end of the spectrum in a flash to the other end. the way i feel about things is what i'm going to try to express to you. i used a variety of situations to convey this feeling that i encounter on a daily basis.
although i don't have any children that call me daddy. i love to see small children playing, or simply doing anything. this makes me reflect back to my childhood. for some reason i have mentally blocked out most childhood. i don't know why, but sometimes watching kids play brings me a flashback from my past.
seeing little children makes me feel happy, but this happiness is quickly overshadowed with the feeling of grief and sorrow. i feel bad for the children, because i know, or think i know, the kind of future that's waiting on them. it a few quick years their laughter will be replaced by tears, and their joy will turn into sorrow.
i encounter lots of different people everyday. usually when i walking past a person. most of them don't even acknowledge that i have even spoke. this disgust me, and makes me feel degraded in their sight. every now and then i just want to say to them, "hey you!! don't you realize that a fellow human being has greeted you!! you could at least speak a word back!!" truly, this display of rudeness just frustrates the heck out of me.
everyday i actually go out of my way to speak to the worst of the down trodden. i'll find the nastiest person that i can. i'm talking like this freaks that you see on television. yep,...........that's right,............they really do exist. i will make it a point to at least try to have a conversation with them. the strange thing is that most of them are descent talking people that has travel down the road to non-escape mode. it's very true that if a person stays on the streets long enough that they can never come fully back in society. that part of this journey really saddens me. it's heartbreaking, and they never see it coming their way. somehow it just over takes them.
the variety of people is immense out in the streets. they go through different phases on their way down the pipeline of the toilet that most of us claim as society. i really see things a little different that most folks do. i think that our culture, or our society is really mess up. we value things over a human beings life. i've been guilty of that myself a couple of times at least. were in too big of a hurry. we trample over the cripple beggars sitting on the sidewalk, and never give them a sorry, little lone a buck. i can promise you that if anyone goes to that extreme to beg, cripple or not, they have a serious problem.
most people don't realize that some of these homeless people hold a grudge against being in this condition? there psychotic, and would just love to kill some snobby ass wipe, that looks down on them. where i have a big ole tender heart full of love called Jesus Christ, some have a severe heart full of hate called satan. i don't fear these kind personally, because i know where i stand with God. actually, i used up all my fear points before i got here. i was afraid of what would become of my life, and now that i'm here i don't fear anything i think. i absolutely now i have no fear of death, because of my past experience.
i really think that i have much less stress on me now, as i did with all the worries of paying the bills. would i go back if i could, and do it over? not really........i wouldn't want to change a thing, because if i could change one thing, that would change a lot of things. who knows what kind of mess that would put me in.
Paul, a major writer of the new testament says, " in all things be content", and basically in a strange way that i can't even really understand, i am content with my station in life. however, i'm desperately seeking a way out, but still content if things are not going my way.
this is the way that i feel about things today, and i feel way more level headed when this first started. i no longer feel any guilt, because i've made my peace with God. i no longer feel depression, because of God and paxcil. i don't think that anybody has to die, and that includes myself. honestly, i feel that life is precious, and i believe when the time is right to come off these streets that i will come off with my head held high.
like i said when i first started writing this, from one spectrum to next. it's hard to remember all the feeling that i have on a daily basis. for the most part they are good. i don't feel as much sorrow for me, as i do others. it breaks my heart to see what others are going through, but i know that i put myself here, and nothing is going to get me out but an act of God.
the happiest that i've ever been in my life was while i was working some christian organization helping others, or doing service work, as some might call it. i've worked for the Salvation Army twice. once as the assistant residential manager in their drug and alcohol treatment center. the other time i was working as the assistant store manager, but i worked my way up from a cashier. this was my favorite job. i really could help people get what they really needed, at a price that they could afford. it was great when a single mother of two needed beds for her kids and i could made that dream come true. my hands were actually tied on how much i could discount, but whenever there was a real need i could usually find a loop hole. this aways worked for people that had a new job, and not much money for clothes. i could hook them up with a price that they could afford. i've saw people walk in with paper hospital clothes, and i would dress them from head to toe with one set of clothes. i've Had people walk in barefooted, and they left with socks, and a pair of shoes. i gave one poor old guy a free blanket because he had no moneyy and it was cold. did the S.A. agree with my actions? you bet they didn't, but by golly if i'm going to work for somebody that calls themselves a Christian organization, they might as well get ready to practice what they preach!!! come hell or high water if a person comes to me with a legitimate need i'm going to make it happen for them if i have to pay for it out of my own pocket which i've done a few times!!
i've been in mission program where i would help needy families with food boxes. i would help prepare the boxes, and always stuff them full, until the lid would barely fit back on it. sometimes when they would show up i carried their boxes to the car for them. sometimes they would be riding the bus, but have a couple of bags to put it in. i would feel sorry for them, but they always made it. you do realize that a gallon of liquid weighs 10 pounds. i've seen women bag up 40 lbs of orange juice and milk plus 50 lbs or more of groceries. i would hate to even try that. i got a feeling that i would give those liquid away, before i got home!!
the honest truth is that i have the heart of a giver. i would rather give someone else resources away that my own, simply because i don't have much to begin with. even yet i still share my stuff with street folks. not just anybody though, but those that need it. seems every time that i go to the grocery store i buy a little more than i need, because i always just happen to run into somebody that hungry, and has missed a meal or two for some reason or another. tobacco is another high sought item on the streets. they have these little cigars for 85 cents in stores now. you can just imagine the quality value of them, but we all smoke them. at 85 cents a pack i can always afford to let go of a few. i know there will likely come a day when i don't have them, and i want be shy about asking those i helped out either. most of the time when you help out a tramp they remember you, and will look out for you as long as you are still around.
you know what i think might make me happy also? if i could get paid for writing a blog. i know there is no one that would pay to read this, because nobody has become a follower of my simple blog yet. i know of two people that read it sometimes, and neither one of those has become a follower yet. i don't think my lil' blog is all that bad for a country boy from bama.
will somebody besides Lil Pooh please tell me what you think of this mess that i spend hours and hours writing. the only reason that i call out her name was the fact that only three at the most number of people know who she is, but more than likely it's just me and her, that know her real name. thanks again Lil Pooh for the input that you give me from time to time!!!
i have honestly poured out my heart and soul to the whole wide world without one person following my blog. i've always protected the innocent, even the guilty in my little blog. i rarely call a persons real name i usually call them by a nickname. i've rarely skipped in details of my life. i know that i've not lived the greatest life, but i have lived a real one. i have conquered all kind of obstacles that kill some folk, and severely wound others. And by Gods grace and mercy i will conquer this homeless lifestyle that i've fallen in to, and you know that does make me a winner!!!
seriously,.....................much love
although i don't have any children that call me daddy. i love to see small children playing, or simply doing anything. this makes me reflect back to my childhood. for some reason i have mentally blocked out most childhood. i don't know why, but sometimes watching kids play brings me a flashback from my past.
seeing little children makes me feel happy, but this happiness is quickly overshadowed with the feeling of grief and sorrow. i feel bad for the children, because i know, or think i know, the kind of future that's waiting on them. it a few quick years their laughter will be replaced by tears, and their joy will turn into sorrow.
i encounter lots of different people everyday. usually when i walking past a person. most of them don't even acknowledge that i have even spoke. this disgust me, and makes me feel degraded in their sight. every now and then i just want to say to them, "hey you!! don't you realize that a fellow human being has greeted you!! you could at least speak a word back!!" truly, this display of rudeness just frustrates the heck out of me.
everyday i actually go out of my way to speak to the worst of the down trodden. i'll find the nastiest person that i can. i'm talking like this freaks that you see on television. yep,...........that's right,............they really do exist. i will make it a point to at least try to have a conversation with them. the strange thing is that most of them are descent talking people that has travel down the road to non-escape mode. it's very true that if a person stays on the streets long enough that they can never come fully back in society. that part of this journey really saddens me. it's heartbreaking, and they never see it coming their way. somehow it just over takes them.
the variety of people is immense out in the streets. they go through different phases on their way down the pipeline of the toilet that most of us claim as society. i really see things a little different that most folks do. i think that our culture, or our society is really mess up. we value things over a human beings life. i've been guilty of that myself a couple of times at least. were in too big of a hurry. we trample over the cripple beggars sitting on the sidewalk, and never give them a sorry, little lone a buck. i can promise you that if anyone goes to that extreme to beg, cripple or not, they have a serious problem.
most people don't realize that some of these homeless people hold a grudge against being in this condition? there psychotic, and would just love to kill some snobby ass wipe, that looks down on them. where i have a big ole tender heart full of love called Jesus Christ, some have a severe heart full of hate called satan. i don't fear these kind personally, because i know where i stand with God. actually, i used up all my fear points before i got here. i was afraid of what would become of my life, and now that i'm here i don't fear anything i think. i absolutely now i have no fear of death, because of my past experience.
i really think that i have much less stress on me now, as i did with all the worries of paying the bills. would i go back if i could, and do it over? not really........i wouldn't want to change a thing, because if i could change one thing, that would change a lot of things. who knows what kind of mess that would put me in.
Paul, a major writer of the new testament says, " in all things be content", and basically in a strange way that i can't even really understand, i am content with my station in life. however, i'm desperately seeking a way out, but still content if things are not going my way.
this is the way that i feel about things today, and i feel way more level headed when this first started. i no longer feel any guilt, because i've made my peace with God. i no longer feel depression, because of God and paxcil. i don't think that anybody has to die, and that includes myself. honestly, i feel that life is precious, and i believe when the time is right to come off these streets that i will come off with my head held high.
like i said when i first started writing this, from one spectrum to next. it's hard to remember all the feeling that i have on a daily basis. for the most part they are good. i don't feel as much sorrow for me, as i do others. it breaks my heart to see what others are going through, but i know that i put myself here, and nothing is going to get me out but an act of God.
the happiest that i've ever been in my life was while i was working some christian organization helping others, or doing service work, as some might call it. i've worked for the Salvation Army twice. once as the assistant residential manager in their drug and alcohol treatment center. the other time i was working as the assistant store manager, but i worked my way up from a cashier. this was my favorite job. i really could help people get what they really needed, at a price that they could afford. it was great when a single mother of two needed beds for her kids and i could made that dream come true. my hands were actually tied on how much i could discount, but whenever there was a real need i could usually find a loop hole. this aways worked for people that had a new job, and not much money for clothes. i could hook them up with a price that they could afford. i've saw people walk in with paper hospital clothes, and i would dress them from head to toe with one set of clothes. i've Had people walk in barefooted, and they left with socks, and a pair of shoes. i gave one poor old guy a free blanket because he had no moneyy and it was cold. did the S.A. agree with my actions? you bet they didn't, but by golly if i'm going to work for somebody that calls themselves a Christian organization, they might as well get ready to practice what they preach!!! come hell or high water if a person comes to me with a legitimate need i'm going to make it happen for them if i have to pay for it out of my own pocket which i've done a few times!!
i've been in mission program where i would help needy families with food boxes. i would help prepare the boxes, and always stuff them full, until the lid would barely fit back on it. sometimes when they would show up i carried their boxes to the car for them. sometimes they would be riding the bus, but have a couple of bags to put it in. i would feel sorry for them, but they always made it. you do realize that a gallon of liquid weighs 10 pounds. i've seen women bag up 40 lbs of orange juice and milk plus 50 lbs or more of groceries. i would hate to even try that. i got a feeling that i would give those liquid away, before i got home!!
the honest truth is that i have the heart of a giver. i would rather give someone else resources away that my own, simply because i don't have much to begin with. even yet i still share my stuff with street folks. not just anybody though, but those that need it. seems every time that i go to the grocery store i buy a little more than i need, because i always just happen to run into somebody that hungry, and has missed a meal or two for some reason or another. tobacco is another high sought item on the streets. they have these little cigars for 85 cents in stores now. you can just imagine the quality value of them, but we all smoke them. at 85 cents a pack i can always afford to let go of a few. i know there will likely come a day when i don't have them, and i want be shy about asking those i helped out either. most of the time when you help out a tramp they remember you, and will look out for you as long as you are still around.
you know what i think might make me happy also? if i could get paid for writing a blog. i know there is no one that would pay to read this, because nobody has become a follower of my simple blog yet. i know of two people that read it sometimes, and neither one of those has become a follower yet. i don't think my lil' blog is all that bad for a country boy from bama.
will somebody besides Lil Pooh please tell me what you think of this mess that i spend hours and hours writing. the only reason that i call out her name was the fact that only three at the most number of people know who she is, but more than likely it's just me and her, that know her real name. thanks again Lil Pooh for the input that you give me from time to time!!!
i have honestly poured out my heart and soul to the whole wide world without one person following my blog. i've always protected the innocent, even the guilty in my little blog. i rarely call a persons real name i usually call them by a nickname. i've rarely skipped in details of my life. i know that i've not lived the greatest life, but i have lived a real one. i have conquered all kind of obstacles that kill some folk, and severely wound others. And by Gods grace and mercy i will conquer this homeless lifestyle that i've fallen in to, and you know that does make me a winner!!!
seriously,.....................much love
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