brrrrrrrrrrr.................

that's right brrrrrrrrrr..............is what it felt like this morning in jax. the mission i stayed in last night ran us out at 4:15 this morning. the temp's were in the upper 50's. now what the heck is a man supposed to do at that time of the morning who has no job or life? oh yeah,..................the same thing that does every other morning. go and sit in the plaza until the library opens up so he can get warmed up. i guess the saving grace was the fact that i got some sleeves to wear while i was at the mission last night. the bad thing was that they are thin.
life on the streets are not all they are cracked up to be. although, i see people all the time that are simple happy with living this lifestyle. they have no problem with begging others for money, and they never miss a free meal. they seems to know all the free places to get clothes also.
 now i don't really have a lot of fear in me about most things, but i do have a great fear of getting comfortable with this way of life. i've been here before, and the last thing i wont to do is get to like it, or even feel comfortable living this way. i know the true results that come with live this kind of life. i know that it rips your soul to shreds, and takes the goodness that's inside, and turns it upside down. it  takes any compassion for human life that you might have inside, and turns everything to self-preservation. you rob, and steal any and everything that you can turn a buck on.
i know that i need warmer clothes that i have right now, but there is something that i need even more. i need to get off these streets. i need to head back into society, as a productive member. every man gets great signfiance out of what he does for a living. that seems to define what a man is. if a man doesn't have anything in his life that he's proud of doing, or being then he not a whole man. how can a man feel whole as a begger? how can a man feel whole as a tramp or hobo? how can a man feel whole as a homeless person?
honestly,..... i can't see how he can. i know for me that i can't. i have to do something everyday that make me feel complete. i don't want to mistreat people in any way, and i don't want to beg, or steal anything just to make it. i'm supposed to be a man of itegrity. a man that can hold his head up high no matter what he is facing, and i'm finding it hard to that also.
see i know some things about this way of life, but the things that i don't know are haunting me right now. i know how to beg people for money, and i also know that this is a quick solution. i just don't know how to get money for the things that i need without beging for it. i can't work, besides that jobs are few and far between right now. our whole nation is in crisis right now, and so is my life. how do i rise above this situation that i'm in , and still maintain my integerty?
how do i get what i need without hurting others in the process of it? in my heart i know the only solution that will ever get me out of this mess that i'm in, and still leave me feeling good about myself. this solution is in God. Jesus can, and will deliver me from all this madness. He is my only hope, and i know this in my heart. i do have a major problem here though. i've been pretty beat down. i'm worn out in all the area's of my being. i am worn out physically, mentally, emotionally, and Spiritually. how can i trust God to handle this. in my heart i know that i can't do this on my own, and i know that He can. i just don't know how i can leave this mess totally alone, and let God do his perfect work. i have the tendency to do all i can to help, eventhough i know that he doesn't need my help, so actually i just wind up delaying the process.
this is getting crucial. i really need help coming of these streets. i know that i don't belong here. i know that i wasn't made to live like this. it's truly breaking my heart to live this way, and to watch other human beings struggle to survive in this chaotic madness that called homelessness.
there are a few people that realize who i really am, and what i'm truly about. i have this extra large heart filled with the love of Jesus, and it's really tender at times. i like to show this love whenever i'm comfotable around people, and being homeless my light don't shine as bright as it should. still it's in there, and it's the best part of me. i fell into a deep dark deadly sin for a while, and eventhough i know that i've been forgiven, and restored to my place in the kingdom, i'm still having satan constantly reminding me what a failure that i have become. he is bugging me day and night with what a loser that i have become. don't think for a minute that i believe him. i really don't. i still know that i have power over him, and he's a liar, and a thief. i know why he is on me all the time. he realizes that i'm powering back up, and he is on his last ditch effort to gain control of my soul. my soul is not even mine to give him. he can't take my soul, but he can put doubts into my mind, and make my life hard for me for a little while longer. my soul belong to Jesus, and that's where the ownerships ends. even though i'm weak, and confused right now, he will never gain control of my soul.