.................and straight from the horses mouth james has relapsed!! he has fell back into the temptation of alcohol, and i could be happier to tell y'all this. i've been drinking pretty heavy for the last ten, or so days. it reminded me of why i quit to begin with, because it makes me as crazy as a bessie bug!! it really messes with my mind in a way that not pretty.
you might ask why i'm happy to report this after being clean the past six years? why didn't i just keep quite, and pretend that it never happened? simply, because it did happen, and for me to get six more years i have to be honest with you, and myself. that's the only way that any drunk ever gets sober to begin with. he has to be honest about his problem. it's called being humble. like i've not been humbled enough this year, but then again i reckon that i haven't been. this can become a major problem for me if i just don't nip it the bud now.
i new that it was only a matter of time seeing how i've been eating pain pills all year long. i'm shocked that i've made it this far to tell the truth. it's nothing for me to eat a handful of pain pills everyday, and not ever really kill the pain.
alcohol and drugs are a luxury that i can't afford in my system. they are meant for a more stable man that i am. now,.........that's the sad truth!! do i even regret starting to drink again? well,...........of coarse i do. i didn't have to do, but i chose to do it on my own. i can't even blame anybody for their contribution to my demise. nobody ever made me do anything that i didn't want to do to begin with. i march pretty much to the beat of my own drum, and i don't follow any popular crowd.
the sad truth is that i had got on my pity pot, and eat slap up with the poor me's. i wasn't even decieved into thinking that it would make me life better, because i knew that it would turn in into shit with a quickness.
so what do i do next? what is my plan of action? should i run out to an A.A. meeting, and cry about how i messed up, and pick up another white chip? i don't reckon that i'll be doing that. don't take me wrong. that program is sucessfull for millions of people around the world. i didn't ever quit drinking until i stopped going to those meetings, and i never went back to brag about all these years that i didn't find it necessary to take a drink either. if you wanted to know how i was doing it then you needed to spend some personal time with me. staying clean wasn't a lite feat for me either. i worked hard at it, and i did it one day at a time. i know that some of those old hard core A.A.ers would say that you should have stuck in it, and you would never relapsed to begin with. i think that is all well, and fine. what ever works is all i ever needed. i know for a fact that my years of being sober were made with quality over quantity. if i can get just simply half that time again it will be more than i ever deserved . the world still don't owe me a thang!! somethings a man has to do just because he simlpy want to do it, and extending my life by not drinking is worth what ever battle there is!!
....................much love
No comments:
Post a Comment