what's next.....

hell if i know!! i'm at a stalemant in life, and not sure which move to make next. you would think if a guy is going to write about his life that he would have one to begin with...........wouldn't you? i think that i'm the part of life that most guys go out and buy new convertable cars, but somehow i've missed that phase also. i've actually missed out on a lot of life that most people think that's important to have.
i've never been married, and i'm not really sure if that is a downfall, but i suspect that it is. because the kids would be grown by now, and having babies of there own. i've totally missed the proud grandfather stage. you know the guy that has a picture of all his grands in his wallet, and never misses an opportunity to show them off? you know the old guy that's happier on Christmas morning than the kids actually are? missing this phase makes me feel that i've escaped a true Americana portrait of life. i will never know the time spent with my blood, because i've always been selfish in that way.
even my own family doesn't want anything to do with me. i wrote both of my sisters about three weeks ago telling them exactly what was going on in my life, and i never did hear a word back from either. i don't blame them at all though. the have been times in my life that i was nothing but a burden on them.
so what's next for Mr. illusion of confusion? i really can't go out, and save another life when i can't save my own? i've kinda run out of power to save the world. maybe i'm just depressed. maybe i've cooled my wheels long enough to see what i've really become. a broken down old man without a future what-so-ever.
as far as life goes i have no options. i have to live it out to the full extent of my days, and hope that they get better than this one. i'm having spinal surgery today. they are going to shoot my spine full of steroids in hopes that it will kill the pain, so i can live a normal life. are they talking about normal for me, or normal for the rest of the world? that could be a big difference.
do you realize that dealing with depression can be a great mystery? on day you on top of the world, and you wake up the next morning wondering if you should even get out of bed that day. it's the not knowing that gets me. if i could wake up the same way every day, at least i would know what to expect. even if it was on the bad side. i'm not sure about anybody else battle with depression, but it truly is a battle. i would prefer to wake up exited every morning about the hope of a brand new day of life.
let's smell the coffee,........i am psychotic. i know that they make powerful enough drugs to send me into la la land for the extent of 24 hours. often i wonder if i'm the only person that realizes this fact about me? you would think that all these Dr.'s that i go to could at least see my psychosis. i have no problem with the modern miracle of drugs. actually, i would prefer to simply be happy all the time even if it is drug induced. i'm currently on paxcil, but only 20mgs a day. don't they make a higher dosage for the chronic depressant's like myself?
this is an bold statement coming from me. i spent years denying that anything was actually wrong in my life. i had rather just suffer through with it than admit that i had a problem at all. for years i lived a half-warped life of not knowing what the next day would hold for me. it was all mental. who wants to concede that they have a mental flaw? especially when they look at themselves as a near genius. a legend in my own mind.

hey,............lest try this on for size. i don't even know who i am some days. there is like this demonic force inside of me driving me to act bad.      now,...........ain't that a conflict of interest. i'm a big ole' teddy bear!! there ain't one mean, or bad bone inside of me!! i detest all acts of violence, and people that treat others in a rude way. i try to live in a respectful way so that others will not be offended by my actions.

thanks for letting me vent to you. this surgery has got me all fuddled up. it's reminding me that i'm getting older, and the chances for me leaving my mark on the world is growing dimmer by the day. actually, most people don't leave a mark on the world that they live in. they simple die, and are soon forgotten. how many family members that have been dead now for over two hundred years are still brought in remembrance? see what i mean? life is really fragile.

                                      .......................much love