celebration time

yahoo...................it's time for a celebration!! just joking!!!  although, today is the first day of October, and all the nut cases out in the streets get their government checks today. there will be plenty of room in the missions for the next three days, and the South American cartels will appreciate all the support that's heading their way. the park, or plaza as they call it was pretty empty today. everybody that gets a check today has business some place else. it's really sad though the way they choose to spend their money. most will take a months pay, and get a motel room in which to smoke several hundred dollars worth of cocaine. in about three days, they are back to living in the streets until next month.
i know that this is not a cause for celebration, but i have survive these streets for two months now. i've been kicked out of one christian program, and have paid a visit to two psych wards. yeah,..........that's right,.........i was ask to leave a christian program at trinity mission, because i refused to take names, and point fingers. well,..................now i'm taking names, and pointing my finger right back at them.
the reason that i've visited the psych wards was because i failed to end my life, but i gave it my best shot. i haven't drank alcohol in a few years, so i went and bought me three quarts. i drank two of them, and took a hand full of blood pressure medicine, and chased them with the third beer. i thought that i had succeeded when i started seeing the bright white lights, but i woke up the next morning. i was so angry that i woke up. i really wanted to end this madness that i call life, but it simply wasn't my time to go. i know know for sure, that God has a plan for my life. i just don't know what it really is yet, but i know there is something that i need to be doing.
all that time i was drinking the beer i knew in my heart that it wasn't for me. it was terrible tasting, and bloated me up really badly. i don't remember beer ever doing me like that, or tasting so bad. i'm very proud to say that i did not continue to drink since then. that was just a last ditch effort to really kick in the effects of the pills.
i always thought if i ever became homeless again, that i would start drinking again. actually, i thought that i would drink myself to death, and die alone in the woods somewhere. the amazing thing is that i have no desire to drink at all, and i want to live another day.
today really is a day to celebrate for me, because of a lot of different reasons. the first being that when my eyes popped open this morning, as i breathed that first breath, i realized that there was hope for this day. i am actually over-joyed for those that got a check today, at the same time my heart breaks for those that wont do the right thing with the money. the sun rose this morning in Jacksonville, and you could actually see it. the past two or three days it's been dreary looking, and a lot of rain has fallen.
actually, i feel better today than i have felt in a while. i have a feeling of peace that's incredible. i know in my heart that there is hope for me today, and i'm not worried about a thing. i know where this is coming from. it's the fact that i have made peace with God, and i'm back in His good graces. this is where that i should have been all along, but i wandered off that path to do my own thing. i never did have to wind up where i'm at today. i just forced the hand of God to put me here. He gave me ample opportunities to come back, but i was stubborn, and full of rebellion. He still showed me much mercy, but i didn't realize that for a long time.

i really like the thought of writing my thoughts, dreams, and actions for the whole world to see. i realize that my life is just different than most because of the choices that i've made. i've made some really bad choices, and i've made some really good ones also. if anyone can save themselves some heartbreaks by reading what i write about my life, then it's been worth it. it's really good for me to put all this madness in text. it helps me see where that i've been, and gives me a vision of what my future should be about. i'm really grateful that i've had a life to live, and for the most part i really do enjoy living. i don't need anything fancy just to be happy. i am a simple man with simple needs. i feel today that my biggest need other than my relationship with God is a relationship with others. most of my life i've lived like a hermit. i didn't want too many people around me. i thought that i could make it just fine by myself. however, today i realize that life is a team sport. a person can't be truly happy by themselves. we need each other just to make a life worth living. i hate the fact that it took me so long just to figure this out. now that i have i need to ask y'all to excuse me, because i need to go make some new friends...........................................much love to y'all!!