it just has come to my attention that i rarely share my feeling with my readers. i include all kinds of intimate details of my life, but seldom tell you how i really feel about things. considering my current condition in life i know that my emotions are highly unstable. they go from one end of the spectrum in a flash to the other end. the way i feel about things is what i'm going to try to express to you. i used a variety of situations to convey this feeling that i encounter on a daily basis.
although i don't have any children that call me daddy. i love to see small children playing, or simply doing anything. this makes me reflect back to my childhood. for some reason i have mentally blocked out most childhood. i don't know why, but sometimes watching kids play brings me a flashback from my past.
seeing little children makes me feel happy, but this happiness is quickly overshadowed with the feeling of grief and sorrow. i feel bad for the children, because i know, or think i know, the kind of future that's waiting on them. it a few quick years their laughter will be replaced by tears, and their joy will turn into sorrow.
i encounter lots of different people everyday. usually when i walking past a person. most of them don't even acknowledge that i have even spoke. this disgust me, and makes me feel degraded in their sight. every now and then i just want to say to them, "hey you!! don't you realize that a fellow human being has greeted you!! you could at least speak a word back!!" truly, this display of rudeness just frustrates the heck out of me.
everyday i actually go out of my way to speak to the worst of the down trodden. i'll find the nastiest person that i can. i'm talking like this freaks that you see on television. yep,...........that's right,............they really do exist. i will make it a point to at least try to have a conversation with them. the strange thing is that most of them are descent talking people that has travel down the road to non-escape mode. it's very true that if a person stays on the streets long enough that they can never come fully back in society. that part of this journey really saddens me. it's heartbreaking, and they never see it coming their way. somehow it just over takes them.
the variety of people is immense out in the streets. they go through different phases on their way down the pipeline of the toilet that most of us claim as society. i really see things a little different that most folks do. i think that our culture, or our society is really mess up. we value things over a human beings life. i've been guilty of that myself a couple of times at least. were in too big of a hurry. we trample over the cripple beggars sitting on the sidewalk, and never give them a sorry, little lone a buck. i can promise you that if anyone goes to that extreme to beg, cripple or not, they have a serious problem.
most people don't realize that some of these homeless people hold a grudge against being in this condition? there psychotic, and would just love to kill some snobby ass wipe, that looks down on them. where i have a big ole tender heart full of love called Jesus Christ, some have a severe heart full of hate called satan. i don't fear these kind personally, because i know where i stand with God. actually, i used up all my fear points before i got here. i was afraid of what would become of my life, and now that i'm here i don't fear anything i think. i absolutely now i have no fear of death, because of my past experience.
i really think that i have much less stress on me now, as i did with all the worries of paying the bills. would i go back if i could, and do it over? not really........i wouldn't want to change a thing, because if i could change one thing, that would change a lot of things. who knows what kind of mess that would put me in.
Paul, a major writer of the new testament says, " in all things be content", and basically in a strange way that i can't even really understand, i am content with my station in life. however, i'm desperately seeking a way out, but still content if things are not going my way.
this is the way that i feel about things today, and i feel way more level headed when this first started. i no longer feel any guilt, because i've made my peace with God. i no longer feel depression, because of God and paxcil. i don't think that anybody has to die, and that includes myself. honestly, i feel that life is precious, and i believe when the time is right to come off these streets that i will come off with my head held high.
like i said when i first started writing this, from one spectrum to next. it's hard to remember all the feeling that i have on a daily basis. for the most part they are good. i don't feel as much sorrow for me, as i do others. it breaks my heart to see what others are going through, but i know that i put myself here, and nothing is going to get me out but an act of God.
the happiest that i've ever been in my life was while i was working some christian organization helping others, or doing service work, as some might call it. i've worked for the Salvation Army twice. once as the assistant residential manager in their drug and alcohol treatment center. the other time i was working as the assistant store manager, but i worked my way up from a cashier. this was my favorite job. i really could help people get what they really needed, at a price that they could afford. it was great when a single mother of two needed beds for her kids and i could made that dream come true. my hands were actually tied on how much i could discount, but whenever there was a real need i could usually find a loop hole. this aways worked for people that had a new job, and not much money for clothes. i could hook them up with a price that they could afford. i've saw people walk in with paper hospital clothes, and i would dress them from head to toe with one set of clothes. i've Had people walk in barefooted, and they left with socks, and a pair of shoes. i gave one poor old guy a free blanket because he had no moneyy and it was cold. did the S.A. agree with my actions? you bet they didn't, but by golly if i'm going to work for somebody that calls themselves a Christian organization, they might as well get ready to practice what they preach!!! come hell or high water if a person comes to me with a legitimate need i'm going to make it happen for them if i have to pay for it out of my own pocket which i've done a few times!!
i've been in mission program where i would help needy families with food boxes. i would help prepare the boxes, and always stuff them full, until the lid would barely fit back on it. sometimes when they would show up i carried their boxes to the car for them. sometimes they would be riding the bus, but have a couple of bags to put it in. i would feel sorry for them, but they always made it. you do realize that a gallon of liquid weighs 10 pounds. i've seen women bag up 40 lbs of orange juice and milk plus 50 lbs or more of groceries. i would hate to even try that. i got a feeling that i would give those liquid away, before i got home!!
the honest truth is that i have the heart of a giver. i would rather give someone else resources away that my own, simply because i don't have much to begin with. even yet i still share my stuff with street folks. not just anybody though, but those that need it. seems every time that i go to the grocery store i buy a little more than i need, because i always just happen to run into somebody that hungry, and has missed a meal or two for some reason or another. tobacco is another high sought item on the streets. they have these little cigars for 85 cents in stores now. you can just imagine the quality value of them, but we all smoke them. at 85 cents a pack i can always afford to let go of a few. i know there will likely come a day when i don't have them, and i want be shy about asking those i helped out either. most of the time when you help out a tramp they remember you, and will look out for you as long as you are still around.
you know what i think might make me happy also? if i could get paid for writing a blog. i know there is no one that would pay to read this, because nobody has become a follower of my simple blog yet. i know of two people that read it sometimes, and neither one of those has become a follower yet. i don't think my lil' blog is all that bad for a country boy from bama.
will somebody besides Lil Pooh please tell me what you think of this mess that i spend hours and hours writing. the only reason that i call out her name was the fact that only three at the most number of people know who she is, but more than likely it's just me and her, that know her real name. thanks again Lil Pooh for the input that you give me from time to time!!!
i have honestly poured out my heart and soul to the whole wide world without one person following my blog. i've always protected the innocent, even the guilty in my little blog. i rarely call a persons real name i usually call them by a nickname. i've rarely skipped in details of my life. i know that i've not lived the greatest life, but i have lived a real one. i have conquered all kind of obstacles that kill some folk, and severely wound others. And by Gods grace and mercy i will conquer this homeless lifestyle that i've fallen in to, and you know that does make me a winner!!!
seriously,.....................much love
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