...............been thinkin'

right now i know that i'm not on top of my game mentally. there are stresses lurking behind every person out here just waiting to pounce on me. the is a re-occurring presence of danger around ever corner. once a person becomes homeless their senses sharpen, or they get beat down with a quickness.
you would think by the end of the day that they could go into their covey hole, and rest their mind. actually, that is far from the truth. once you lay down to rest, and shut your eyes to sleep, i think another part of the brain kicks in gear. i call this my night time warrior. this is the part of my mind that processes every noise, every sound, and even every vibration that happens around me. it wakes me when some critter is crawling around on me, or when something is slithering in the grass. it also can wake me when somebody is trying to creep up on me, or warn me of an approaching storm. with all this action going on 24/7 a mind doesn't get much of a break.
 even still, i find something that totally amazed me. when i first started writing this blog it was to help me to improve my life. since i started writing i've lost everything, but my desire to breathe. still,...........somehow,.................i'm writing!!          this surely means that somewhere down deep in my broken shattered heart i feel there's still hope left for my life.
this revelation came with another one last night while i was writing. if a man's circumstances doesn't have to change who he is then why did mine change me the first round?
apparently, i didn't have any foundation in which to build character on to begin with. i had no surface that would hold up the man i thought i was in my mind. i was fooling myself. everything in my life had to change, so i could see what kind of man that i really wanted to be.
i think this is true for me personally. i needed to come to terms with the demons that had been haunting me, and experience some yet to come. i had to live through some very painful experiences just to learn the ways of the world to simply reach new heights.

now, i've come upon a stumbling block. i've worded myself into a corner, and don't know where to go with it. i'm sitting here trying to write one thing, and another thing is constantly running through my mind. i guess that i need to jump right on it and address this situation.
a dear old friend sent me an e-mail the other day. it started out like this, "i see that your still very angry." that just made me scratch my head at first. i found her first sentence odd. i went back, and read my prior one to her. this is the first time that she has tried to contact me in seven weeks, and the reason was that my mail account had been hijacked, and sent her some crap.
now,...........i'm wondering if i am wrong to have any anger? maybe i express more pain than anger? would i be wrong to feel pain? is there a certain amount of anger that it would be acceptable to show? maybe this is only one woman's perception of me.
honestly,..................i am angry, and i'm very hurt also!! the welcome mat to my home has been ripped out from underneath me, and i'm laying on the ground with a big ole' knot on the back of my head. almost every aspect of my life as i had known it has ceased to exist. i find myself in a big dark cruel world alone. i don't have no one to confide in, and i came here already with severe issues of trust. my body is covered with ant bites from when i lay down to rest at night. i can't go into my hiding spot until night fall, and i need to be out before daybreak. it seems that my schedule now highly depends on another schedule.
just for shits and giggles,..........i wonder how many people would actually handle this like June cleaver? am i wrong for being angry? am i wrong for feeling pain? should i just act like nothing is wrong while my bones fester with rage,and my heart explodes?
actually,.............i feel that my anger and pain is well justified. isn't anger a part of the grieving process? i've actually lost something that's very important in my life, and i've lost it all!!
i don't believe that anybody can really understand what i'm going through right now unless they have had the same experience, and the older you get makes it worse.
now, i'm not trying to be impressive to anybody as the biggest loser. i know that some people have lost more value than i have. the real deal is when you lose everything..............it's everything!! you can't get any more to lose than that!! 
i guess that the big question now is what am i going to do about it?..........................hum.......................now that's a good one. i've been writing this blog for the last three days, so you can tell that i'm not in a hurry.
i really don't know what to do. i have no plan of action to take. i know in my heart if anything gets done that i'll have to do it. i'm about to believe that the fear of rejection has frozen me still in my tracks.
if i have to hear ":no" once more i'm not sure what i will do next. i might just totally flip out. i feel a good flipping out experience in my near future. one of those where you've gone to far to let anything else slide now. yes,............i'm talking about pitchin' a dyin' duck fit!!