Not a respecter of persons

I have lowered the boom, or at least I thought so this week. Maybe, I have just had the boom lowered on me!! I am simply thrilled to have had this close encounter with my Creator!! I however do have a problem that I am working on, because of the events that transpired in my life this past week. I want it to happen every time that I want it to happen. The truth is that I want to have those types of experiences everyday of my life!!

I really don't think that Jesus would have a problem making that happen in my life. Now that I have had that event, I really believe that is what we are supposed to be enjoying daily in our lives. It would make absolutely no sense to be able to have an experience like this, and stop with one. All that I have ever learned of Jesus leads me to believe that He wants our life to be enjoyed to the maximum level!!

I am going to jump off the deepest end here, and join with Peter walking on the water. What other could Jesus have been talking about in John 10:10.       Jesus came so they (us) might have life, and might have life more abundantly.

Before the events of this past weekend I was only guessing what He might mean by life more abundantly. I am not going to claim to know, but one thing more than I did, about this verse, before this weekend. And what that I did experience, definitely does qualify in the realm of more abundantly!! It might not mean that much to those of us that are true believers, and have experienced much more.

This is the first step that I have taken in discovering just who the real Jesus is, and what that He is really capable of doing. I am excited!! I have crossed a border into a foreign land that before I could only guess what was located inside. I have always has an owners manual that my Creator had given me. It contained a faultless plan for success, and I have just achieved access into level one. After all this time of half-stepping, fence riding, and trying to dance good enough to get the approval of Father......I stumbled onto the right path.

It was not an accident that I stumbled into the right path.      I had pretty much ran out of options when I didn't even have the power to kill my miserable self!!     I went on a journey of seeking out my Creator. I had always thought that God was real. I had seen Him work in the lives of others. I knew that something much bigger that myself had created this all. I have even claimed that God had done many things for me in my life, and I really believed that He did.

I am taking too much space trying to explain what happened.          Let me break it down, and move on.     I was set up!!         I was set up by God!!        He knew that everything was going to happen the way that it did.      He also knew that He was going to reveal more of Himself to me than He has every allowed me to see before!!!!!!!!!!!!

There ain't no wonder that God don't talk a lot. He knows when everything is going to take place anyway.        Hmm,..............But then again,        Why do you think that God talked face to face with Moses?       He also talked with Abraham, and Paul.     He talked with a lot of people in the Bible. Don't you imagine that He also talked with a lot of people that never were recorded in the Bible?

John made a statement that there were many other things that Jesus did that were not written. If they were written ever one that the world could not contain them. Don't you thank that Father has done exactly the same? He does what He wants to, and when He wants.

Yep,...........That's right,........Y'all are going to think that I am crazy as a bessy bug when I get through with this journey that I am going on!!       By Golly the Word says that God is not a respecter of persons, so I reckon that means that He will talk with me also!!

My plan is to tell y'all what is going on, and what steps that I am taking to achieve this Spiritual journey.        This should get to be some very interesting reading regardless of what you believe.    If you are of the Faith then it might be able to help you.      If your not a believer then it should be some very comical reading.

…............Much Love

Nathan lightly slapped me over my heart while shouting, “Fire!”

Might as well get started telling this part of the story. I still have not figured out completely what really happened. It wasn't what I expected to happen by a long shot. Still, I am not disappointed in anything more than myself, and I simply need to forgive myself, as soon as I can get to that point.

I was down in front of the alter on the right side. I couldn't wait to get my chance, and now the time had come closer by the second. I stood there, and watched as people were falling out at an alarming rate. Once again my emotions were out of control. Tears just streamed down my face, because I knew in my heart that I was going to receive a touch from my Almighty Creator. It was a very humbling experience.

I noticed that most people acted differently after receiving the touch. They laid in different ways, and made different gestures. Some where like they had fallen dead, and some kept their arms in the air. Some of them mumbled softly, and some where speaking in tongues. I don't think that any two went out the same way, and some folks didn't even go down.

Those were the ones that caused me to doubt. I kept getting flashbacks from the last time that I let somebody lay hands on me. It didn't go well at all. I didn't feel nothing at all. I went back to my seat swearing that would never happen again. I don't know why that came into my remembrance at that moment. My mind was racing seriously. If I had only remembered that before now , there would have been no way that I would have been in that line.

I thought that I had settled that issue of fear by the time that Nathan got to me. I was keeping my eyes closed, but I could not tell you why. He laid his hand over my heart. It was like he was grasping his fingers to the shape of my heart. Then he leaned over beside of me,and ask the next person a question. “ What are you expecting from God?” I didn't hear what he said, but Nathan told him that he could do that for himself.

Immediately, I took my eyes off of God, and put them on the man. I was telling myself that this was not going to work, and if I had an escape route I would have been out of there pronto!! Looking back I felt like Peter walking on the water. He had took his eyes off Jesus, and he began to sink. I had forgot about the conversation that I had with Father the night before. I had already forgot what that He said to me less that twenty minutes before this was happening. My heart was breaking now, because I knew that I was going to be made a fool of again!!

Suddenly, Nathan lightly slapped me over my heart while shouting, “Fire!” Everything went into slow motion at that time. He repeated that same action again. I staggered back a little bit. He did the same thing once more while shouting “Fire!” I went back a little more, but I could not figure out what was moving me. I know that he was not even putting enough pressure on me to move my 280 lb mass.

My mind was racing so hard. I simply knew that It wasn't going to work on me. I decided that if he did that one more time that I was going to fall back to save embarrassment for him and myself. Believe it or not he must have been a glutton for punishment, because he done it the forth time. True to my word, I went back, and down.

I laid down there for a second to let him get a little further down the line. I really didn't want to draw any attention to myself, and I didn't want him to feel bad about it not working on me. I opened my eyes, and he was a little further down the line than I really expected him to be. I just wanted to give him enough time to get a couple people down from me. He must have been 6-8 deep by now.

I felt really strange. Kinda drowsy. It was like I took a hand full of Valium. I thought that I would just sit there for a minute. Then it donned on me. I was sitting on a pew!! I purposely placed myself between the pews so I wouldn't fall back into one. Besides that, they had all of us step two or three feet forward before he got to me.

I quickly understood that I might have took my eyes off Father, but He had still honored our agreement. Once again I broke down in tears, because His goodness toward me was breaking my heart!! I simply sit there crying for a while. It was like Father, and myself were the only folks in the room. I didn't have anything to do with me going down. The push back that I was feeling was coming from the power of God putting something in my body.

What was it though?              What really happened?               I know that God touched me, and I know that He put something inside of me that I will need to get through the next level. Maybe it's not get me through, but get me into the next level of our relationship. Why did I feel this incredible peace like I never before experienced? Honestly, I felt like I had taken far too many Valiums without any fear of dying.

I went back to my seat, and pondered what had just happened. I set there without a care in the world. There was this one girl that had got my attention. She was strutting like a chicken. Making quick, jerky movements, while alternating between laughing, and crying, and praising the Lord. I knew that she had to be in the same perfect peace that I was experiencing, because her focus was simply on Jesus. Poor thing would wander from place to place, and sit down for a few seconds, and then off again to another place to sit. When I left she was still doing this gesture.

I finally made it out the door, and caught the bus. You would have thought that the Shekinah Glory of the Lord might have been on me the way that folks were staring, and smiling at me!! This went on for the rest of the day, and that feeling of peace,..............I took that to bed with me!!

…........Much Love

Like a bunch of sheep for the slaughter

Day three, and it just keeps rolling forward. I think that I am ready to tell you what happened in the service yesterday. I went expecting to receive something from God. I wanted to receive something from God. Why else would anybody go to church on a Monday morning at 9:30?

I got to the church around 9:25. I always like to get there a little early so I could have time to pray and greet a few people. Walking around, and speaking with people, and shaking their hands is very important to me. The reason being that I am really shy, and have severe issues of trust with people. It is like a face my fears kinda thing, and honestly they are the ones that I chose to call my church family. Actually, they are the only family that I have now. If I can help it they really don't need to know the issues that God, and myself are working on presently.

By the time that I walked into the sanctuary the countdown had already begun. I could not believe all the people that showed up. They could have filled the first five front sections. There had to be from five to seven hundred folks there. Might have been more. I am not really good with the numbers.

We sang two songs I think, and went straight into the Word. My emotions were off the chain again. I simply gave up trying to control them. I know this much that when it was all over I had a pocket full of napkins from Mickey D's that I had used for wiping tears, and blowing my nose!!

Every word that Nathan spoke in that sermon was like God sitting next to me, and talking directly to me. It was like He was telling me that what I have been through the last few years was coming to an end soon. That I have done well, and it was time to move into the next phase of action in my life. He let me know that I needed to be separated for a while now, so I could learn even more about Jesus, and His plan for me. He let me know that I had reached my ending, and it was time to walk in God's beginning.

This was a powerful word that I really didn't expect to be hearing. I couldn't tell you what was going on around me. I was in perfect tune with every word that came out of Nathans mouth. My eyes followed him in every step that he took. I was glued to that pew, and my heart was simply breaking, because God had not just a word for me. He had a complete sermon just for me, and I couldn't have been any more happy than I was right then.

Once Nathan finished his sermon he made a statement that I found quite shocking. He said since the crowd wasn't that large that everybody could get a touch from God if they wanted to. I forgot that he was used to holding his church in the civic center in Mobile Alabama. I guess that our crowd was nothing compared to what he is used to dealing with.

I knew that I was gonna get mine. I had settled that issue with Father the night before!! I went there simply, because I need a touch from God, and I wanted a touch from God. There was no way that Nathan was leaving that building without out me receiving my blessing!!

He lined up different sections at a time. It was quite amazing to watch. He started with the right side of the stage, and then to the left side. Then he moved to the floor in front of the alter. My church is not small. It seats roughly three thousand people, so you can grasp the multitude of people. The he lined them up the right side of the wall to the break between the first, and second seating sections. Then from the right wall To the left wall, and back down toward the alter.

They just didn't line us all up, like a bunch of sheep for the slaughter. (Pun Intended) They had us go in sections. This man has a serious Anointing of God on his life. I have saw him twice now sweat clear through a suit!! He takes a bottle of water, and makes two swallows out of it.

OK.             I am trying to stall while I figure out what to do next. I don't have enough room to finish this story within my own personal guidelines that I have set for myself. I try to keep it around one page, so you don't lose interest. I have made Sunday's writing in two parts, and I guess that I need to do the same with this one.

            Yep,...............That's right,..............

                                                                  Will be continued............

…...........Much Love

Too excited to give it a title!!

I guess if there is anybody reading these blogs on a regular basis then you know that the events of Sunday have me pretty excited. They were going to have a service this morning at 9:30 A.M. I didn't go to the one last night, because I really needed to let this settle down in my Spirit. It was a big deal to me. The God, and Creator of everything that we know made a decision yesterday. He decided to come to my church, and reveal Himself to me!!

Now, I don't know who y'all favor most in this world, but I had a dream come true yesterday!! I was fairly excited when I met Aerosmith in 1989. I spent some time at south Beach in Miami, and saw countless famous people. Depending on their attitude I got a charge out of meeting them. I am sorry y'all, and will not make any apologies for saying this.....I got my all time greatest high yesterday when the Almighty Creator choose to reveal Himself to me!!

I got up at 5:00 this morning just to go over to McDuff, and tell my buddy what happened. I got there a little before six. I saw another friend of mine, and had to tell him what had happened. I only told good Christian people that I knew would believe me. Just because they are in a Christian facility, by no way means, that they know the Lord.

As I was tell this man what had happened, something started coming over me. It seemed that every hair on my body was standing up with a goose bump underneath. I noticed that I was very wide eyed, and simply tickled to tell the story.

I finally made it on back in the kitchen to talk with my other friend. I told him all the events that had transpired yesterday. I thought that he might have even been more excited to hear about it, than I was to have been in the mist. I soon found out what all his excitement was about. He told me that was just the beginning of things to come. Me and this feller have been talking almost everyday for over a year. He knows about my beliefs, and the boldness that I possess.

He said that he always knew that God had a special plan for my life. He knew that by the power of my conviction for the things of God. He has watched me grow over the last year, and he knows the story of my past. This is a man that understands the things of God that I haven't encountered quite yet.

Yesterday was a first for me. I thought that I knew God, and was getting to know Him more each day. I guess that is true in a sense, but everything has changed now. Maybe I had got to the point where God was gonna have to change the field that I was playing on. I might have learned all there was to learn on the level that I was on.

The truth as far as from my perspective is that God showed me something yesterday. I am thinking it compares to Moses experience when God told him to hide in the cleft on the rock, and when He walked past. Moses was allowed to see God walking away from him. I am sitting here thinking that sounds bold to compare my event with Moses's, but that is the best that I can do right now, and that's how i roll!!

Trust me when I say this: Keep on reading, because tomorrow I am going to try to explain something else that I don't understand. This little ride started out as a kiddie ride, but I got a feeling it is going to grow into a much wilder ride!! Honestly, I have got a hold of something, or maybe something has got a hold of me, either way this is completely mind blowing.

I am starting to understand what people meant that had some supernatural encounter with God. It makes complete sense to me now. Before I was totally lost, and very skeptical of what they were saying. If I am going to be honest here, and you know that I am. I thought that most of these folks were simply off their trolley!! I am putting it in a nice way also.

I just need to stop writing now, and try to let my mind settle down. I have been playing a game while I have been writing this. You know,......Take a break and play. Still, my mind is racing harder, and faster than it ever has yet. It is a different type racing mind though, …..I can comprehend my thoughts, and play skillfully. Wow!! I don't understand that either!!

…........Much Love

The other side.....

The funny thing is that I have never been shook up in this kind of way. I told my buddy on the ride home what had happened, and he couldn't stop laughing. You must know that he had just went thru the same experience,..... typically. I highly doubt that any two of us there had even close to the same experience.

After Nathan had got finished bring the word this woman started crying uncontrollably, and immediately he said to bring her down to him. He traveled with an assistant who ran to her, and led her back to him. She was wailing so loud, and Nathan just laid his hand on her forehead, and yelled “ Fire ” at the same time, this woman fell as if she were dead on the spot. Cold chills shot up my spine, and every hair on my body was standing up. My attention stayed on Nathan for the next hour!!

He pointed into the crowd at two of my friends, and told them to come up there. He told them to hold hands, and the next thing that I saw was those two go down to the floor. Then Nathan ask that if anybody wanted a touch from God that they needed to make their way down to the front. It seemed that the isle's filled up quickly. In less than a minute there wasn't room for even one more.

I was relieved. I was having my own talk with the Father. Plus I was scared in a different way like never before. I wasn't even going down there. I had to see what was going on for myself. I had seen television preachers do this before, and I didn't believe that it was real. I knew that this was real though. There was not a doubt in ever fiber of my being that God had showed up in an Awesome way!!

The stage portion of church had folks laid out all over it. Even Pastor Garry got him a good ole dose of what God had to offer!! Then Nathan took off into the crowd. He was not a mad man out of control simply slamming people to the floor with God's help. It was like he was calculating, and being led to those that desired a touch from God. He was talking with Father, and Father was directing him in the way that he should go. Even telling him what need that the people had invading their bodies in which to be healed.

As Nathan got closer to me I was getting more nervous. I was steadily speaking to Father. If it be your will he will have to come to me. I am not going to be stepping to him. If he comes in my direction I know that you have a special touch for me. I kept a steady eye on him all the while that folks around me were receiving from God. He did smile at me, but didn't come in my direction.

I honestly believe that the Lord was simply showing me who that He really is, and making sure that I want to do what my prayers reflect. There was a good reason that Satan was trying to discourage me from attending church this morning. He wanted me to miss out on the show that God put on!! I would have been watching the video of it, and doubting that it was real. If I couldn't have felt what I felt, coupled with what I saw today it would have been just another fake event to me.

Part of my past is filled with evil people putting on a fake show in god's name. I allowed such to run me off from church years ago. Most likely when I saw the video of today it would have done the same!! I am weak in that area, and Father, and satan both know it. Today they went head to head over me. Not only did Father give him a boot in his evil behind,....Again. He gave me a taste of just who that He really is!!

I know that Father is going to be using me in a might way in my future. I don't exactly know what that is going to detail. The Father can use anybody that will humble themselves before Him. That is what my goal has been ever since that I came here. I needed to know if God is real, and if He is real how can I go in service to Him? I have nothing in my life today that is more important, or should be more important than our Creator!!

I could write another full page on the events of today, but I don't think that it is all that necessary to elaborate further. I believe that everybody can get the jest of what I have said today.

….............Much Love

He is an Evangelist named Nathan Morris

You probably wont be able to read this until sometime tomorrow, because I will not be going to a place where I will have access to the Internet today. I really need to hang kinda close to my living quarters today. Nothing is wrong. I am not sick, or anything like that. I did have an unusual, and I can't stress that word enough today in church. It was not an ordinary Sunday by a long shot. I am not quite sure if I have processed the events that happened today yet to give them the full credit that is deserved.

We were supposed to have a special guest preacher to bring the word this morning. Something happened to cause him to cancel less than 24 hours away. However, he did send a young man in his place. He is an Evangelist named Nathan Morris. He grew up in Yorkshire England, and spent some time in the continents of Africa, and India. The last few years he has been in Mobile Alabama involved in a revival. You heard me right. That revival is still going on today!!   Apparently the events for that revival have made the national news more that once. I believe it is called the bay street revival. I am sorry if this isn't right, because I had a lot to take in this morning. I want to stress that this is a man of God. God is doing these miracles through His servant Nathan. I just want to make that clear, because simply looking at the events taking place it could cause some confusion.

I have been in the presence of God working through a couple different preachers before. I want to make it very clear, beyond any shadow of a doubt, that I have never been in the presence of God like I was today. This is a story for the logs of the twilight zone. That is as close as I can put it, except it was from the God zone!!   

I felt an unusually high presence of God in the service this morning. When we sung that first song I just felt that his was going to be one of those high energy days. This is nothing not ordinary for my church. God shows up in some form, or fashion every time that we have a service. This is why that I am a member in this church. I love to be in the presence of God!!

Another thing that happened to me personally today was that I shed a few tears of joy and sorrow. Now, I am used to being moved by the Spirit, and most of the time it manifest in one of two ways. It is either that I cry a little bit, or I laugh. Today was a day that I had no control in either direction. I cried like a baby, and I also laughed uncontrollably. It was almost like my emotions were out of control like when I was coming off the Paxcil. This was going on while Nathan was still preaching the message.

There was so much going on today that I can't recall but certain events. I can't tell you much about the sermon, and I can't tell you much of what happened after the sermon. I know that I had just about all that I could take today, and that is all that I can give you.

I know that God was at work in several different peoples lives today. The fact that I was on the sideline as a witness to events going on before me was amazing to say the least. I hate to admit this, simply because I thought that I was past this in my relationship with God. The presence of Almighty God was real in that service this morning that it was over-whelming!!

I was scared!! I really can't explain this. I don't know how to tell it to make any sense. It was not that I was scared in the kind of way to wet my pants. For the first time in my life I was in the presence of God, and I knew that without any doubts kinda scared!! It was the first time that I have suffered fear in a enjoyable way. If that makes any kind of sense.

I cried tears because I really knew for the first time that I didn't make the grade, and I think that I understood the true blessing of mercy. I always knew that the only reason that I can even be in the presence of God is because of Jesus. Today however, I felt smaller that I ever have before. I immediately went to taking with my Father. I told Him how scared that I was, and that I wanted to run away. I told Him that I wouldn't run, but I was not going to move a muscle. I don't know if I could have moved if I had really wanted to move. I think that I was paralyzed by Father's Awesomeness that surrounded me.

I don't know if everybody there was even having an experience close to the one that I was having today. I do know if God had showed Himself more real to me today that He did, I don't think that I could have took it!! Furthermore, I can't believe how much space that I have already taken up in telling just this much of the story today. There will be a part two...........

…..........Much love

She was a joy to be around.

I am really getting excited about making my move. The truth is that I am just sitting back in the passenger seat, and God is putting all this together before my eyes!! Actually, it is moving much faster that I ever could have believed that it would. I don't have everything that I need to make a comfortable transition, but it is steadily coming my direction.

I can't name anybodies name, but I sure would like to be able to expose one man, and his wife. They are really dear friends, and they are planning on blessing me with somethings to make life more bearable. I am not all sure what their plans include, but I am sure grateful that these folks have taken such an interest in me.

I have known this man a little more than a year now. We always find time to share what God is doing in our lives. Actually, we spend most of the time that we share together involved in talking about some form of God. I went to his house Monday to work on his wife’s computer. I had seen this lady several times, but this was the first time that I actually got to sit with her and talk. She was a joy to be around. She is a Godly woman who knows what she is talking about.

I met all the kids at one time, and I need to tell you something. There are five children with ages ranging from eight years old, down to two years old. The two year old is their only daughter. The rest are boys.         Don't you know that she is going to be well protected!!

This was the most amazing part of this day. I spent six hours over there working on her computer. You can image the volume that five kids playing can make. This little critters were playing, screaming, shouting, and having a good time. Not once did I hear a fight break out between them. There was never any screaming, and crying going on. I ask the wife how in the world this was possible.            This is what she told me.

“ You have to start with them young, and show them that you are the boss.    They have to be taught the right way to live.      The way that God says that we should live.      You reward them when they are doing good, and you discipline them when they don't do so good.      You keep calm while you talk with them, and you show them great amounts of love like God wants to show us.”

That totally amazed me when she said that!! I wonder if any of my up bringing was done in that kind of manner. I really doubt if it was seeing how I turned out in my younger years. I am not blaming mother for lack of anything. I know that she did the best that she knew how to do in raising me. I was the only boy, and I was a handful to begin with. I am sure at this point in my life that everything that happened had a reason behind it. Everything in my life has happened to get me to the point that I am in today. I don't think that I would change a bit of my past. I am going to take this ball, and run with it. Although, I do plan to change whats left of my future!!

I told y'all that I was excited about making this move. Every bit of it has been spectacular so far, and I have not even walked in through the door yet. I knew that God has a special plan for me that He has not revealed so far. There is a reason that He is putting me in a place where I can have total isolation when I want to have it. I plan to use this time wisely to step forward in my life. The first thing that I am going to do is keep the Lord first in my life. That is the only way that I will have success.

The next thing that I am gonna do is...........Go in any direction that He is leading me to go. I am through with working for a man, or a group called a cooperation. I am totally sold out to do what ever God wants me to do. I am going to apply for my disability with in the next three months, and that is all that I know right now.

I know that I will have plenty to write about in the future. I know that this little blog is a part of my ministry. I know that it will change from time to time. I don't have a clue where it will be going, or what that it is going to accomplish. I leave that also up to my new boss. It is His plan, and the results are totally up to Him. My part in all of this is simply to be obedient, and wait and see how it goes.

….........Much Love

I was filling her with some of my dirtiest dirt

Doing the right thing has never paid off in my life like it is now. Totally devoting my life to God, and putting all else on the back burner has made the difference. Getting to know God as my Creator it has to be the wildest thing that I have ever done. It has totally changed my perspective on every thing. I was a complete mess as a human being. I needed a change, and I have tried everything to straighten my life out. Of coarse I waiting until I had used up every option, before I tried the only one left. You have to remember I even tried to kill myself, and God simply laughed at me!! I know that I took enough to have done it if the power hand of been in my hands.

Everyday some thing just blows my mind, and they come from all different directions. I don't right about them everyday, and the reason is that I want to make sure that they are real. This is the first time in my life that I am really putting my Creator on the spot. There are promises in the Bible that He makes to us. However, before He makes a promise He says that we need to do something, before He will do His action. He even says in the Word to try Him, and see if He will not open the windows of heaven, and pour out a blessing so big that we can't contain it!!

I am doing nothing more that He requested that I do. If He say's to try Him,........ Then by golly I will try Him, and so far He has not been a disappointment in the least!!

Here lately I am being shown some folks at the mission that are acting out scenes from my past life. There is this one guy that just can't seem to keep anything together. He has completed the same program that I have, but with entirely different results. He has an old worn out car, that he can't keep running. He bought it after his other old worn out car was refused to do work on by his mechanic. Which he wore this man slap out of frame with complaining, and blaming him for his troubles.

This man has never met any one in his entire life that did not find an occasion to mess him over in some way or the other. At least if he did have somebody that didn't no one has ever heard of them. He is always going shopping, and the sales people must just see him coming. They must huddle up, and draw straws to see who gets the chance to sell him some thing that either don't work, or he really doesn't need it to begin with.        This guy is comical!!

The really strange thing is that he is always talking about Jesus in between his complaining. He goes to his church every time their doors are open. You would think that he is a Godly man when he is on a Jesus roll. That is quick ending when all the other madness floods out of his mouth. I feel sorry for him, because a person can't talk with him without being blamed for persecuting him.

He could be a stand in playing the role of my past life!! It really hurts to think about this, but that is the way that I was acting most of the time. I thought that I was ever being persecuted, because I was far to stupid to live like most human beings lived. That is not the way that I saw it though. I thought that I was almost perfect in every way. I had heard about a few folks that might have been smarter than I was, but I never did meet any.

I was exactly the same way about the things of God. I would cuss you out in a heart-beat, and the very next words out of my mouth would be, Jesus don't like ugly!! I didn't quite know the same Jesus that I have gotten to know today, and I am looking forward to get to know even better in my future.

I want to tell you one last thought today. I was at a Christian function more than ten years ago, where I was ask to give a testimony. I so nervously did. I even had it written down on paper. Because I was shaking too bad to hold the paper while I read off of it, a had to do what I could from memory.

After I finished there was this lady approached me, and started talking with me. She ask me several questions, and of coarse I was filling her with some of my dirtiest dirt.     Oh,.....I forgot to tell you that she was between 80-90 years old.     At least I thought that she was.    She waiting patiently for me to finish speaking, before she spoke.      When she did speak, she said the coolest thing that I had ever heard.

She said, “I used to be just like you!!”      I was in a state of total confusion after that remark. I entered into a stupefied panic mode of severe mumbling at this point.      Are you telling me that you were a crack head, a drunk, and a thief maam?       No, but I was a sinner in need of a savior.

Was that cool or what?

…........Much Love

Afew more psychopaths that left their mark

This is the most wonderful time of the year to be living in Florida!! The night are really cold, from low 40's down to freezing. The days are something to get excited about though. The daytime temperatures are roughly in the 70's. That is certainly nothing to complain about!!

I don't think but maybe there are a handful that live here for the summers. It is not the heat that is really bad here. Although, it can be taxing on your body. The dad-blamed humidity is what is so rough. Seeing how there are all kinds of creeks, canals, swamps, and rivers in this state, and don't forget there is an ocean on three sides of this state to help with the problem.

There is something special about the rain here also. I have been outside on scorching hot day when all of a sudden rain would come from nowhere. You can see the steam rising from the earth, and suddenly it gets real hard to breathe. Sweat pours from your body, as you begin to grow weaker by the minute.

I guess the climate is changing here, because when I first got here in the early nineties it was different. Everyday in the first couple months of summer you could almost set your watch by the rain. I used to work a lot outside, and everyday during this time it would rain around four o’clock. It was a very welcome sight, after you have been in the sun all day. The funny thing was it lasted at least an hour when it started. We never seemed to mind packing up for the day in the rain. We were simply relieved that it was over!!

I guess that I am starting to show my age in two different areas. You know how old men like to talk about the weather. If you don't then take my work for it. If you every around older folks, and feel that you need to say something. You have a sure bet with speaking about the weather when you are with men. The older girls used to like to talk about cooking, and of coarse about old men talking about the weather!! I really don't know if that has changed any.

Another area that I am showing my age in is talking about the old days. I doubt that you will find anyone that is as interested in your past life as you are!! You have lived it, and no one quite remembers it like you do. You might remember a total different version than all the rest of them do, and that ok. You just go a head, and tell your story the way that you think that it happened. In a hundred years from now there wont be anybody to dispute your story. I really doubt if anyone remember any story that we might tell in another hundred years.

We live.            We die, and we move on.      Yeah,........It's that simple!!      The only choices that are really going to matter is how we choice to spend our here after.      The only choice that we need to get right!!      All the rest of them are so minor.      They really don't amount to a hill of beans. To ever be an important enough figure to be remembered in history you would have to do something totally exceptional.      Most of us will never make it.         That is the fact that most of us will not be remembered for that long.

Need an example? How many pictures does your mother have of family members that she does not even know the names of them? I am talking about old pictures, but still less than a hundred years old. The truth is that our memory will not last that long. I know that more than likely they wont even know that I ever existed in a hundred years. That will be a good thing, because some folks will be remembered forever. Adolf Hitler, Charles Manson, and a few more psychopaths that left their mark on history in a negative way.

I wonder how I will feel if I am walking down the street of heaven, and see Charles Manson?    Would I take off running to Jesus, and out of breath start complaining?     Something is wrong with this picture!!      Manson is in here!!       It has to be a mistake!!

I bet in time that we will be confronted with several folks that we never thought that we would see there.       I don't believe that we will mind, because I doubt if we will remember the wrongs that people have done.              I sure hope that they can't remember mine.......

….........Much Love

In general most of my life has been staged....

I wasn't really happy how my first DVD turned out. I don't understand how the movie that I was trying to burn didn't go on the disk. Although, I had two decent movies on the disk, and a bunch of marbles. Where the marbles came from, I don't have a clue. I know how the two movies got on the disk. The thing that I don't understand is why did they get on the disk?             I know that I need to study a bit, before I try to burn another one. 

I don't think that I told you what happened the other day with my interview to move from the mission.    I did get approved, and I didn't fill out my paper work right.     We talked for a while, and I was very honest about everything that she ask me.     I told her what I have been doing over the last two years.

She ask me to call every week to see where I was on the waiting list.      She told me that I was in the forties to begin with.       I was surprised that the number was that low.     I really expected it to be over one hundred, and at the least in the eighties.     I called her for the first time on Tuesday, and got another shocking discovery.    She said that I was at number twenty-six.    I ask her to repeat that number, because I was sure that I didn't hear her correctly.    She confirmed that I did hear the number correctly.

This is going faster than I have ever heard of it going before.      Naturally, I thanked God for being in the mist of everything.       I know that He is involved with this process, because I laid it in His hands.     My plan is to leave right where I put it, so it will be the way that it supposed to be.    Most of my life I haven't had a lot of trouble giving things to God.     The part that I have had the most trouble, ….Maybe I should word this differently.        Yeah,....I should.        The part that I have had the absolute trouble with doing was leaving it alone.      I always watched, and saw what God was doing with what I had given Him.       When I saw it forming in the way I approved of I would snatch it back, and say that I can take this from here!!

I have always had a problem with letting God be who He is!!      I am sure that I have been a major frustration to the Father.       I have been hard-headed, and stubborn as an old mule.     Always being the god over my life, and look where it has got me!!        Are you looking?           It has got me in a place of total submission where I an willing to learn a different way.

I am tired of beating myself with a lifestyle that creates much pain, and total failure.     I am ready to win.       I have found a plan that is finally working in my life.      I am not talking about the move that I am fixing to make.       However, that is a small part of it, and there is a reason behind the move. I will discuss that latter on.

The fact that I can walk around this town, and hold my head up without feeling any shame is a miracle.     The fact that I want to go to my church every week is another.      I am at the point in my life that good things are happening with me involved in the process.      Most people don't approach me anymore with foolishness.      I am a changed man in the way that I think, act, believe, and so much more that ha   sn't even got my attention yet.       Often times my reaction toward others, simply blows my mind!!      I used to have my mind blown by their actions toward me, but something is causing me to not feel like I am the star player in my life anymore.

I am experiencing something brand new in my life today.      It is called compassion.      I never have been much of a compassionate being.      I knew that there were times in my life when I felt like I should show some compassion, but it was not genuine.      It was only an act.     In general most of my life has been staged, because I was the most important person that I ever knew.      I didn't know how to act around folks, because I certainly couldn't be myself.          I was rotten down to the core!!       And I knew that I was.        I was not deceived!!        I knew myself all too well.     There was nothing that I done that would change what I really was inside.

That's why I am so excited about Jesus!!        He took this work of total devastation, and is changing it little, by little.            I can't hardly wait to see the finished product!!

….......Much Love

Follow a pattern of love, and not hate

Well.....Would you just look at me!!      I am writing to y'all while I am burning my first ever attempt at a DVD.    I spent the Holiday yesterday over at a friends house working on his wife’s computer. I spent appropriately six hours working on it. It was all messed up. It threw a fit of rebellion at first. It was so jammed up, that it didn't even want to do what I commanded it to do. After all that time spent working with her computer it still needs another six hours invested in deleting programs, and cleaning it up!! I wish that I had the operating system disk. It would have been easier to start over from scratch.

Anyway,.......I went all through that to say that she gave me some blank DVD'S. I have never even tried to burn one, but I am now. I already think that I've ran into a problem, but only time will tell. I will master this situation, because it will help fund myself  while I am waiting to get approved for my check. I don't understand why, but it seems the Government wants a person to suffer worse than they ever have while they wait.

I laugh every time I think about that statement!!      They are going to have a real hard time making me suffer worse than I ever have before.     I have done some degrading things, simply to survive before.       Most of the things that I have done were more degrading to those that saw me doing them. I grew to a point where nothing was degrading to me any longer    . It was simply survival, and we are built with that mode already installed!!

I guess that about the only thing that I ever did was pick cigarette butts up off the ground to smoke. I had a severe smoking addiction.    It was so bad that I felt like I would die, if I couldn't smoke. I have walked a lot of miles in the city, going from butt tray, to butt tray, and all over the ground. This is sad to say, but like most things that I done in survival made, .......I perfected an art form of it.     I learned where to go, and what time to go, because every place was different.

I have tried several times to quit, and several times have failed. It didn't matter how long that I was locked up, nor how many times that I have been forbidden to smoke. I have always started back. This is the most powerful addiction that I have ever tackled in my life. I have tried everything except hypnosis. I have wore the patches, and chewed the gum. I have tried some bazaar behaviors to attempt quitting, and nothing worked.

Then I simply humbled myself before Jesus, and gave Him control over my addiction.    You know,......It still wasn't easy to quit, but in time it got more doable.      I thank Him everyday that I don't require tobacco in my life to live.     When I smell smoke it is such a turn off now, and I find myself looking for ways to stay upwind from those that smoke.      Honestly, I detest smoking now, and everything about it!!

My first DVD turned out with some stuff on it that I have no idea where it came from. Somehow though it did get a couple really decent movies on it. Now I just need to see if it will play on the television. I am going to give this to a friend of mine that owes me money. He borrowed five bucks in November, because of his phone. He promised that he would pay it back on December 12^th, and look it is already January 22. The other night he was needing a few cents to buy a coke or something. I told him that it would disgrace myself if I gave him anymore money for anything.

He said that he knew that he owed me money, and he would pay it back.      I told him that was good.        He should always do what he says that he will do.       I went on to explain that out of good conscious that I could never loan him any money again.       That we were still friends, but there will not be any money involved between us.      I will give him the DVD out of love.       Five dollars is not enough money to destroy a relationship over.

I thank my relationship with Jesus causes me to follow a pattern of love, and not hate.      I have got in knock down, drag out fights before for less than five dollars.      I believe this is a much better way to live my life.       Learning lessons as I go, and keeping my priorities in order.      It is great to realize that I do have choices, and choices effect my life.

…........Much Love

Most folks don't know this..

Sunday is a very unusual day for me.  Most of the time I am at my church for Sunday school, and the normal 10:45 service. The whole time that I am in the service I keep thinking of things that I need to write to y'all about. I mean to tell you there are some good things that come to my attention that are worthy of repeating to the world.

There is one problem that exist. Even though, I hear all these great things, and really want to share them with you. The problem is that I don't write them down. I keep deceiving myself by telling myself that I will remember.       Honestly, I do have a pretty good memory, but it has limitations.      I hear so many good things to share, by the time the service is over, I am over-whelmed!!

I even know of a solution to this dilemma. Even a simple solution. All I need is a small notebook.                Hey,..............I have one of those.             Good that settles that issue.     I need one more thing:   An ink pen, or a pencil.         Wow!!         I have two or three of those in my Bible, and there is always half-dozen with in my reach in the pews.         Well,....I am about to believe that I have a more serious problem than I realized to begin with.

Now, I know that laziness doesn't have any thing to do with this little problem.          I am quite gifted at multitasking to say the least.            Either all this valuable information is coming at me way to fast. Fast enough to cause my circuits to overload, and cause a brain freeze.        Ahh...........Wait!!!       Eating ice cream causes a brain freeze!!      So it can't be that.           Think about it, Think about it, Yeah, I want to go get an ice cream cone for fifty cents at Burger King.     The good thing is that is only around four blocks down the street from where I live right now.

More than likely I will wind up at Mickey D's getting something to eat, and surfing the web. It seems that I can never make a meal around here, because of the time that they serve. Sometimes when I am here they serve either something that I can't eat, or something that I wont eat. I believe I have done sit here, and worked myself up into a feeding frenzy where no place is safe for me to eat!!

I know that I jumped away from what I was talking about while ago.             I admit that I did make the jump on purpose, because there is another element in play here.       It just came to me while I was pecking out the words.      Maybe I don't need to remember the good things to write about them.        Maybe,.......Just maybe,..............I should be writing about the good things that I have learned.      Not only that I have learned, but also that now I am living!!

After all, this little blog is about my life.             The good, bad, and the ugly, and the goodness that has come from this tragic lifestyle that I have lived.      That is the only reason that it is still in existence.      If I can't bring God glory from living a changed life, then surely there isn't enough excitement surrounding my life to write about.        There isn't anything worth saying, and by no means worth reading!!

I am honestly sold out on the idea of God!!       If you would just read about some of the madness that I have dealt in, and brought upon myself.      There is no doubt to anybody, at least there should not be, that God is the only reason that I ever made it out.     I am not saying that every waking moment was spent doing evil.     I have had a few decent religious experiences.       Most folks don't know this well hidden fact.        I am here to spill the beans.        Religious experiences only will send a person straight to hell!!

Yeah,.....That right!!                 Eddy Brickell ( I hope that i spelled this right)wrote the words in a song that is right on track. “ Religion is just the smile on a dog face!!”      I thought that was a cool way of putting it.      The bottom line is that religion can be anything that you want it to be.    When it comes to our God, everything is all about the relationship!!      If you don't have a relationship with God, then you have totally missed the mark.      You don't have nothing, nor can't have anything without the relationship.       Bottom line.............Cut and dry.........Finito.......Nothing!!

I was once living under the illusion that if I died that I would go to heaven.     I knew about God, and I knew about His word.     I believed that I was “Saved”, when I was seven years old.    I really believed that phrase, “ Once saved, always saved.”       Although, I have come to believe personally that it would take a little more for me to go to heaven, than what I was banking on before.

I worded this carefully so to not offend any one that believes the way I did.      I know a lot of folks believe this way, and I did also for forty years.      I have grown to believe that I didn't have the most important part in my life, and that was the relationship aspect.            Now, I have a relationship with my Creator..............It is a beautiful thing!!

…........Much Love

She just looked hard at me

I don't remember have any great ambitions as a kid.      I must just not remember, because every kid wants to be something great when the grow up............Right?       As far as I know that thought never has hit on me until right this very moment.        I can't remember having any real dreams of doing anything except playing music.         I never really excelled at that either, because other things got in the way.

It took me a long time to play anything in front of people, because of stage fright.     I Could play something beautifully while I was by myself.       All it took was the presence of people to give me stiff fingers, and a severe breathing problem.      My rhythm fell to pieces, and I got as nervous as a long tailed cat, in a room full of rocking chairs!!

I guess as long as I can remember I have had a serious problem with fear of people.    Naturally, along that comes serious issues of trust, and other reoccurring phobias.      It is a pretty safe bet to say that I have been all jacked up from jump street.        My main issue in this life has been with other people.          I know now that it all boils down to issues within myself.

I am pretty sure that I have more issues than I even thought about having before.    The more I look back the more that I am actually finding.      The funny thing with doing this is I am not surprised one bit about what I discover.        I have always known that I suffer from some sort of mental instability. It is not possible to live the life that I have lived with every single thing intact.      There had to be parts of me that has shifted a little bit here, and somewhat there over time.      Maybe some of them where already out of place when I was born.         I really don't know, nor do I have a clue other than this grand discovery that I just made!!

You might want to laugh at this, simply because it is funny.       At least for my warped sense of humor it is.         Then again, I was the one that lived through it.

My mother was driving me home from the county jail one time.        I had been busted......No,..... I am too embarrassed to tell the charge that I was caught red handed doing.      It was a felony charge, and I was in deep trouble.        I had spent a few days in the big house of the county, and had endured madness that I never even considered to be real.         In other words, I had took a mental beating like I never had before.         I was feeling pretty low, and the way that mother was looking at me on that drive home, I knew that she was going to get a turn also.

I really can't remember much of what she said.       However, I know that she wasn't pulling any punches.       I do remember waiting for her to let me get a word in edgewise.      I had one thing on my mind, and I needed to ask the question so that I would personally know.           I guess that she finally had railed on me enough, because she became silent.

I remember asking her if I could ask a two part question.        I told her that it might be strange, but I really needed to know the answer.       She just looked hard at me, and I started speaking, “ Mom have I been adopted, and you have failed to tell me?”        She continued to stare like only she could do.      “Well this one is really important for me to know.       I need you to be honest with me.      Was I born so mentally retarded that I just can't tell that I am?”That was a major concern with me at that time.      I was graveyard serious about that question when I ask her.      It was the only thing that my tender mind could come up with at the time for the way that I was acting.        She just looked at me, and said that as far as she knew that I came from out of her.!!

I don't recall another word coming out of her mouth during our drive home.      I was sitting there with all kinds of madness going through my mind.      I was trying to analyze her not answering my question of mental retardation.        That was one time in my life that I felt like a freak of nature.   I knew that I was nothing more than a burden on my entire family.     Even worse than a burden, I was an embarrassment to every fiber of their core!!

 

I have been through a lot.          The good thing is................. Been through means that I survived!!

…............Much Love

It nags at my inner most regions

I just can't believe the nerve of those people.      They call themselves Christians!!       They take a book called the Holy Bible, and say that it was wrote by ordinary men, but inspired by God.     Then they are foolish enough to pick verses out, and believe that it will change something that they want changed.         When will they wise up, and realize that they are the ones in charge of their destiny?      When will they figure out that this whole God issue is nothing more than a hoax?    We live, and we die.........Nothing more,..........That's it!!

It really is a sad situation that there are people that see us as the god's of our destiny.     When death plays the final note of our lives the best we can hope for is to plant food for beautiful flowers.   We are here for a few breath's then gone, and forgotten.

If this is all that my life was meant to be, then mankind must have formed from a pile of sludge!! Something in the cosmic array of things must have gone horribly wrong for man to even be here if this is the extent of life.       That would make the entire race nothing but a bunch of savages out to get what they can, and worry about themselves only.         (That is not too far from the truth!!)

I can't go for any of these beliefs, because I have way too much imagination than to let it sit idle. Something inside of me, at the core of my being needs something to believe in that is higher than myself.      I can't explain that need, but it is like a hunger feeling.     It nags at my inner most regions, and inspires me to think outside of the little box that I am inside.      It gives me hopes of great aspirations, and a willingness to strive forward against insurmountable odds.     It gives me great confidence that I can overcome any obstacle that may be lying in the path that I choose to walk in.

I needed something greater than myself to believe in, and the God of the Holy Bible fits into my plans for life perfectly.       I am like a little three year old that has a hold of his fathers hand. I have nothing to fear while my hand is inside of His!!

I am blessed because I am one of those poor saps that believes that the Holy Bible is the word of God.      I have never had a problem with believing this book.      It is funny how I could tell that the fairy tales where simply for entertainment purposes.     I don't understand it all.     Until I started reading it all looking for the hidden clues how it could all piece together my understanding was little. Some things I simply have to take at face value.       I have never saw a piece of metal float, but I have no problem believing that an ax head did float to the top of the river.

Something happens when people start believing in God.      They start trusting Him also with bits, and pieces of their lives.       The more that they hand over changes the way that they see things. A relationship with God, in my opinion is kinda like any other relationship, as far as the building of it.   It takes time, because most of us are somewhat skeptical.      We still think that parts of our life should be handled in out own way.       They way that we are used to doing things.      In time we know that He has a much better way of sorting out issues down to the most minute details with perfection.

It is awesome to know that the Creator of the world has thought about us since before creation.    We are the only reason that He created anything in this world as we know it.       He seeks to have a relationship with us, but He wont force anything upon us.      He is patiently watching over us, and steadily talking with us through many different ways.            Just waiting on the day that we accept His love for us, and get to know Him better.

…...........Much Love

We live under a lot of freedom

Hello world!!                  Yep,...........That's right,..........I am so blessed that I can have conversation with the entire world!!             Every time I post a blog, I an exposing a little more of myself to a great big ole world.        Thanks to the great minds that improved on communication greatly, and sought a more perfect way to speak with each other.       I can let my voice be heard.       I can let those folks reading this across the pond know that I serve a higher entity than a queen, or even a president.I am not throwing stones at anyone.

I can even let those people that are in the countries that are famous for slavery, and working in horrible conditions that there is freedom in the God that I love and serve.     You may be sewing clothes to be sold in a Walmart superstore in America.      You might even be forced to work 18-20 hours a day.       I am sorry about the injustice that has been laid on you.      There is nothing that I can do about this situation that you might be in.        I am not talking to any one particular group here that is being oppressed.         am saying that my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ is the answer to your problems whomever you are.        It don't matter about the situation that you are in.

I know that I live in a county where we all take a lot for granted.           We expect that certain things will be in place.         We live under a lot of freedom, and liberties that we assume will always be there.       We have choices about everything.        We walk into a grocery store the size of a warehouse just to pick out the food that we intend to eat for the next few days.      We choose what time that we are going, and what day that we are going to the grocery store.         We even choose the method of payment that we will use.           We choose the method of travel to this place that we shop.

I have actually been shopping in stores where I wished that I didn't have so many options.     No wonder we Americans have so many mental disorders.       It can cause severe anxiety just shopping for presents for those that we love at Christmas.       We put way too much pressure on ourselves, because of the things that our neighbors have, and we don't.........Yet!!

We have the privilege of choosing the work that we will be doing to support our lifestyles when we are younger.       Most of us that take advantage of that opportunity don't even consider what we enjoy doing to begin with.        The basis of what most of us do with our lives is prosperity driven by the almighty dollar!!          We think if there is enough money involved that we can manage to do the work somehow.

I don't even know if most Americans realize that there are countries that forbid the teaching of Jesus Christ.         In those countries that do forbid the teaching, those that find Jesus don't act like we do. They have really found something special!!        It is kind of like when we used to have slavery here in the south.         They had what they called the underground railroad.       Those people that live in the forbidden countries have an underground network going on for Jesus.       They meet at a designated home, and worship Jesus!!         It's like a roving church that moves all the time.     If they are caught they are sure to suffer execution in some form.        Even if it is rotting in a cell until death takes you over!!

Those people seem to know the value of Jesus Christ.       I am not sure if I even have the right frame of mind concerning the Lord.        I assume that I don't, because it is ever getting more serious to me.       I believe that I know enough about God now that I am on the right track.       I understand a little more each day that passes.         The more that I know, the more awesome the story becomes.   It is mind blowing to me that the creator of all that we know would be so passionate about love!!     Out of everything that He created,..........We are the pride of His creation!!           The most awesome part of all this is that He gave us free will to choose Him, or to choose something other.      Now during our time of total rebellion our Creator will never stop loving us.       He is always presenting Himself to us in a variety of different ways.          He whispers choose Me in our ears just when we need to hear Him speak.

                            That is it.         I have said enough.

…...............Much Love

It creeps into my feeling process

I'm thinking you have to be a bit older to remember this. I don't have a clue if the show the old cartoons that I grew up watching today. I am sure that this little scene has been in more that one cartoon, and it has probably been in the movies also. Do you remember the episode when Tom had a devil sitting on one shoulder, and the devil on the other one? Both of them were trying to convince Tom how to live his life.            Do you ever feel like that is going on in your life?

I sure do, and a little more often that I would really like to admit.     Now, I do believe that Satan is trying to kills us, because he hates us.      Jealous …...Just to be honest about it!!       Anyway I believe that he is busy causing chaos on up the ladder to mess with me personally.     But he does have demons to mess with the likes of myself, and others that really don't rank that high in his calculations.

I am not sure how they slip that demon in my life, but I know that he is good at what he does!!             That scoundrel will have me thinking negatively and wanting to rebel against everything that I know is right.

It will change my thinking process in a wild, …....And new radical way.         I have been a good Christian for quite a few day's now.         I need to take a break for a while.        God will just have to understand if I take these matters into my own hands.         Yeah,......That's right,.......I have been doing awesomely with my not cussing for a while.          I do have some left inside of me that needs to come out.          That's probably the reason that it's still in there.            For just this situation.                 Thank you Jesus that I still have at least one in me!!

Now I am talking about my thinking first, and then it creeps into my feeling process.     It makes me feel uneasy,......... and changes my entire demeanor.       It will have me looking confused about what weapon that I need to break out of my arsenal.        Which one will be my equalizer to eradicate this situation, ….....and bring the odds back in my favor.      It effects my walk.       It effect my talk.     It effects what I hear when others talk to me.          I am growing more miserable by the second!!

Then it finally get to my acting process.      This is where I have the opportunity to show how ignorant, and foolish that I really am!!            I have built myself up to tell this person what a idiot that I really think that they are, and I am not going to spare any of my favorite cuss words!!     They are going to flow like a fine wine out of a chilled bottle into a crystal glass.        After all,................Don't I deserve this?

That really hits the spot to me.        Can you see the evil in what I has just said?       Can anyone agree in some shape, form, or fashion with this?         Maybe it's my own brand of personal hell that I am going through at various times in my journey.

That angel sitting on one of my shoulders has been talking this whole time also.     By the time that I get to the action scene that angel has been knocked off, and the trouble begins.        For me this is the point of no return.         While the first derogatory words are being spit of my mouth that demon changes his tune.            He immediately stars singing a song of perfect guilt in my ear.

Everything has changed now.      I am really stuck between a rock, and a hard place!!       If I retract what I am saying.........I will look weak.             If I continue on this path I will know that I am weak. I am starting to feel sicker, and sicker by the second.                   What do I do?

This is what some of my days are like.       Sometimes, I do want to do the wrong things.   The sad reality is that they seldom turn out in the form that they started.          We know that the Grace of Jesus Christ can cover all this madness that we can get into, but don't it make you feel good to not have to rely on Grace so much?          I believe that it is a sign of growth when we do the right thing, despite the war raging in our Spirits at the time.         I like it when I look above, and thank my Creator that He gave me the strength to make the right choice.

Just a little to think about.         I hope that I didn't write this too crazy to understand.         It is what I go through often.          I thought that maybe someone else might be fighting in the same war.

….........Much Love