facebook..................really?

yep,.............that's right,.............after five months away i decided to re-join the world of the living by opening my facebook account back up. the last thing that i said on facebook was in the beginning of the month of June. i said something about this blog. then a couple weeks later i signed off for what i thought would be for the rest of my life.
i quickly remember exactly why i  wanted to hide from the world. my life was falling apart so quickly that i had lost all control of ever getting it back on tract. there was no hope for saving a thing from my past, so i dipped into the unknown alone.  i actually went to a deep state of depression from that time until about three months latter. i was so ashamed that i was loosing my home, after i had done all i could to save it with no lasting effect. i had lost my job at the beginning of this year. i had applied for assistance every where that had the funds. i kept struggling with paying my bills, even thought i was slipping farther and farther behind each week that passed. i had finally exhausted every place that had funds left to help out here in Jax. even while i was going through a great financial crisis the city seemed to be in as bad a shape as i was. there was no more help to be found.
the first of August i finally gave in. there was nothing left to save anymore, but my personal items that made up my life. everybody had moved out of the house without much concern, and i was the last man standing. it was hard to determine what was most valuable for me to take on an new adventure. i had a lot of factors to consider, and most of them were not working in my favor either. i wound up packing two back packs with clothes, and took all my life's important papers, and my Bible.
i went downtown to a mission. the second night there someone stole my bicycle. it was really valuable to me, because i was having a lot of trouble walking at the time. plus i had put 300$ in parts in it over the summer, because i knew that it was wroth it!!
i was bewildered, and didn't know what to do, so i joined a program at the mission to get my life back together. three weeks later i was kicked out of the program for not pointing fingers, and giving up the names. i figured that this was the last straw, so i started planning my suicide, and it was gonna be taking place quick.
i had money at this time, so there was nothing that i couldn't buy to help me accomplish my mission. i got this great thought. i haven't drank any alcohol in the past 6 years, so why don't i get three quarts of Budweiser, and take a handful of blood pressure medicine with it. i could just simply go to sleep, and never wake up on this planet again. it sounded good to me, but where would i do this at?
i decided that if i was going to die, and i felt for sure that i was, then i wanted to die in my home for the last six years. i had always figured that i would die there anyway. i went by the house, and it looked like nobody had even been there, so i opened the door, and went inside. it was only when i opened the door to my bedroom that some greedy bastard had taken his pleasure in riffling through my things. he took every thing that he thought could be of any value to him. no stone was left unturned by this monster!!
i thought about it for a minute, and called him every deserving name that i could think of, and was bound to stick to my plan. i started drinking the beer, and started writing a suicide letter.          yep,.........that's right,.........i said letter.             what the hey,............i had a lot of things that i wanted to say this last time. i wrote a four page letter, and i still have it as a memento today!!   by the end of the night i had drank all three quarts, and i couldn't tell you how many pills that i had taken, but it was enough to do the expected job that i wanted it to accomplish. i layed down, and started praying for Jesus to please let this work. i couldn't life another day in this type of misery that i had been suffering through. the next thing that happened was i was starting to see the bright white lights that so many that had tried before me reported seeing. i was excited!! i just knew in my heart that all these problems were going to be left behind me, and that was the last thing that i remembered..................until,..................i woke up the next morning!!
i was furious!! not only was i mad at myself, the entire world, and now i was mad with God!! i blamed Him for not letting me die, and yet it was so true!! i thought         yeah,...............if that how it is then i will go insane, and show you!! i walked over to the phone booth, and called the suicide hot-line. i was frantically screaming at this woman on the other end of the line. looking back going insane would have been a very short trip, because i was already there!!! she tried to calm me down, but i wasn't going for it. i was pissed, and hurt, and ever other emotion was flooding through out my body. to be honest.........i was an emotional mess!!
it didn't take long until the J.S.O. arrived, and took me to the mental health center. once i walked inside i got really calm. probably too calm. i didn't say a word unless i was asked something. they kept me there four days, and turned me back loose on the streets. two days later i went to the hospital to get some meds for anxiety.  i told them what i had done, and they laid a Baker Act on me on the spot. off to a different psyche ward on the west side for five more days.             OK,.............now this was getting serious!! when they let me back out i said to myself. i wasn't crazy enough to keep going in and out of these places. i had a great fear if i did then i would wind up crazy. then i remembered what i had said to God,..............I'll show You!!         i have never been able to show God anything. He always winds up showing me just how powerful that He is, and the fact that He loves me enough to help me accomplish anything that i want to show Him!! i can guarantee you that if i hadn't decided to stop butting heads with God on that day, that i would have wound up in another psyche ward with in a week!!  the battle had to stop,............and right now.

y'all know how i love to tell a story, and how i often get off track. to me this is simply how my live has turned out. I'm not ashamed of it either. most of my life has been about a man in a struggle with God, and the things that I've gone through in total rebellion with Him. For me, and my life, all roads led back to one source, and that is God...................ok,.............i need to finish this, and live another day.
the reason that i started doing the facebook again was totally selfish on my part. i simply wanted this blog to get more exposure. i read the other day that the facebook was a great way to get exposure for any blog. this blog probably don't mean as much to you, as i does myself, but this is my baby. it's my first attempt at something new, and different in a long time. it is the story of my life written by myself, as i see fit to let it come forth.
i know that it's not that important to most folks, but if any one can profit in they're own personal lives from it, then i have been a success.
OK,..........you caught me.............i do look at the stats everyday, and the counter on my profile page is way off. i actually have had readers from most of the world. the counter is so far off base, and I've yet to figure out how to get it right. most people haven't heard the name of James Crumly, but folks world wide have heard of Mr. Illusion of Confusion..................now ain't that something from an ole' Redneck from Bama!!

                                       ....................much love

the 80's rocked!!

when i say that I'm being pretty much serious. it was the time of big hair rock music. every band back then seemed to have great big hair, and put on an electrifying show. there was smoke, fog, and the lighting effects that would sweep the stage. it was a good time to be alive, and a good time for rock music.
i saw so many bands back then that i can't even name them all. everyone of them put on a great show. i can't even remember one that didn't. even the opening acts put on a premium show. the funny thing now is that most of the bands that have survived 20-30 years later can be seen doing free concerts on holidays. a few of the really great ones haven't fell into that category yet.
Aerosmith is still rocking hard today. despite the fact that all the guys are in their 60's. i think that Aerosmith have been timeless. they have gone through many different generations of time, and have always maintained to entertain each new crowd with fresh music. while keeping their old fans just as intrigued with their music.
they put on a great stage show also. Steven Tyler is a mad man on stage. he is all over the place. from the top of the Marshall stacks, swinging off poles, to crawling crossed the floor. when he leaps through the air it seems that he might never touch the ground again!! he also plays several different instruments through out the show. he is simply amazing to watch in himself!!
Joe Perry is a master musician on the guitar. he plays everything with such conviction and feel. he really doesn't do anything flashy to add to the show. he simply just stands  there bleeding the strings of his guitar from his heart and soul.
i guess that you can tell that Aerosmith was one of my favorite concerts to attend back in the 80's. the whole story involves much more than seeing them. it was a once in a lifetime event, all the way through!!

i don't even remember what day it was, or where i had been. i just know that i had come in that day, and Amy was vibrating crossed the floor. now,............that's an understatement...............she was jumping, and hollering, and squealing just like a teenager supposed to be doing!! she was all excited because she had just won two tickets to see Aerosmith that night with backstage passes. since me and her mom had bought our tickets months ago, the whole group got to go now. somehow they decided that she was going to give the backstage passes to me, and her other sister Carrie, and i was sure glad to get them!!
we drove about 70 miles to Birmingham to see the show. we always went early, because we always planned to stand next to the rail in front of the stage. that way we got a good view of the band, and could just scream until we weren't able to talk in the morning.
do y'all know what i mean?       your throat would be so sore the next day that you wouldn't even want to try to talk, and you certainty could hear nothing for the next three days, but a roar inside your head!!  that remained a constant for after every concert i attended in the 80's.         you ask why?      why would i do that to myself?        Because it was fun!!    we were living in a rock and roll dream!!  we were trippin' the life fantastic baby!!   it was a small price to pay to see such greatness!!

anyway,............i usually had a buzz that was worthy of concert going, and my girl would always slip in a small bottle on her body just to keep the level up. i never saw a concert straight until i was after 40 years old. i guess that i just never seen the point in it. time does change a persons perspective of things.
here is the funny part. we had made it within ten feet of the rail, and the security sat us on the floor. they said that we could go to the rail eventuality, but we needed  to wait right there for now. as i sat there on the floor i got to thinking............."hey,...........I've got this backstage pass,..............so i think that I'm going to use it!!"          i told my girl what i was thinking, and ask Carrie if she was ready to go. now Carrie was ready for anything, so we headed backstage to see what we could see.
i knew that this was not the time that they meant for us to be backstage. usually, people go back for a few minutes after the show, and meet the whole band, and get autographs, and whatever. the whole area looked like a mess. there were equipment laying every where, and a lot of people running around. i kept looking behind myself as i walked forward. i really expected some security to bring me back out front. i guess you could say that i was paranoid. honestly, to paranoid to pay attention. i just keep looking behind me, and all i sudden i ran in to something, and that something had a name......Joe Perry.
i started apologizing to him, and then i heard this laughter from beside of me. the was Steven Tyler sitting on this huge speaker laughing at me. all of a sudden security came alive. I'm not sure how many, but several swarmed around me, and said that i didn't belong back here. they were taking me back out to the front when Steven said," fellows,........he will be alright back here for a few minutes. he's just a fan, and i would like the chance to talk to him."  all the security simple vanish like they had appeared except for one. he stayed close to me, as Steven and i had a conversation. i really don't remember what we talked about, and for how long. i just knew that this was the most famous person that i had ever met, and he was willing to take his time to spend with me for a few minutes. i got his autograph, and he told the security to make sure that i got back in my place that i was in for the show. i shook his hand, and walked off with security. he did as Steven had asked. he took me right back to the spot that i was in. then he shook my hand, and said to enjoy the show.
Carrie started questioning me about what happened. she had took off back out front when she had saw me almost knock Joe Perry down, and saw the security rushing toward me. i just handed her Steven Tyler's autograph, and smiled saying this is what happened!!

now,........i can't remember anybody opening for them. maybe all the excitement that i had already blocked that info out, but i do remember most of the show that they put on. i say most of the show, because that was the only concert that i ever got kicked out of...........well,...........kinda.  actually they kicked my girl out. she was having a problem with some chick behind us. this girl kept trying to kiss me, and of coarse i thought it was funny. my girl had about all the pressure that she could stand from the crowd pressing behind us, and the heat. it was pretty hot. almost unbearable to tell the truth. people had been coming off that rail all night because of the extreme conditions, and i finally talked my girl into crossing that rail. me, and some other guy had picked her up, and a couple security guys where going to catch her on the other side.
who would have thunk it?        she just had to get her revenge on the girl that kept trying to kiss me. as she was going over the rail..........she hauled off, and kicked that girl unmercifully in the face!! immediately,......the security told her that she would have to leave the building for the night, and they were going to escort her out!!   she told me just to stay for the rest of the show, but i couldn't do that. i had to take her punishment right along beside her.  funny what love does to a man............huh?       i would have never chosen any concert, or event over being with her.    if i could go back today and remake the decision would it be different now?     nope!!...........she was just that special!! 

all i know is that the memory of that day has lasted longer than out relationship has. the Aerosmith experience will last me a life time. i just wonder why our people experiences can't last that long also?

                                                        ...................much love

what? duh!! Willie Nelson busted?

Willie Nelson arrested for possession of marijuana

Erin Valois  November 27, 2010 – 1:34 pm

Generally speaking, travelling with marijuana should probably be avoided if you are a celebrity. Travelling with marijuana while trying to go through a U.S. Border Control checkpoint defies all reason. But that did not stop country music legend Willie Nelson, who was arrested in Sierra Blanca, Texas on Friday morning.
According to the Daily Mail, citing news station KVIA, Nelson’s tour bus was stopped at the border checkpoint as he was trying to go from California to Austin, Texas. A search by officials found six ounces of pot and he was sent to the county jail, where he later posted bail.
To be fair, this is Willie Nelson we are talking about, who is not Wally Cleaver — if you know what we mean. The 77-year-old is no stranger to this sort of situation. He was caught with moonshine earlier this year and magic mushrooms in 2006 when he was stopped in Louisiana. The party just never stops on the Willie Nelson Tour Bus.
He also sits on the board of the National Organization for the Reform of Marijuana Laws and is quite outspoken about legalizing marijuana. Three other people were also arrested.

Good Lord have mercy on my soul, but what is anybody doing busting Willie Nelson for pot?  Good Lord!!  this man is 77 years old, and has never even thought about hiding his love for the weed!! i know why they busted him, simply because he is famous, and somebody wanted to add another notch on his belt.
I've smoked plenty of weed in my past. the only reason that i don't do it today is the little fact that it's still illegal in this country. at least it still is in Florida. every company before they hire you will give you a drug test, and if you come up positive then your just out of luck getting the job.
I'm not even sure why they call it a drug to begin with? it's a natural plant that bares seeds, and produces flowers. personally,........i think that it's a beautiful plant if you cultivate it properly. I'm going to add a link for y'all that has forgotten how beautiful that it is.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9tbT-J9rtDQ 

weed has come a long way since i used to smoke it. there used to only be a few different kinds back in my day. Colombian, Red-bud, sinceamilla, Skunk, Maui Wowie, Mexican Dirt Weed, and Homegrown. it was really good back in my day, and not sure if the quality has improved, but just looking at it i would say that it has to have got better.
the only thing that i can remember that smoking weed ever done to me was cause me to chill out, and get hungry later on.  music was better to listen to when i had a buzz. i used to love to listen to Pink Floyd. actually, any kind of music is more enjoyable when you were smoking weed, and movies were the best. i bet with today technology the way that it is it would have to more fun that it was in the years past.
i would sit around, and think some pretty wild thoughts at times, but i never thought about harming anybody. there was never any thoughts about robbing folks, are raping anyone. i never got into any trouble smoking weed, and never missed a day of work because of it.

i really don't see why our nation doesn't legalize weed. they could grow it themselves, or contract some of these excellent growers to do it for them. they would control the prices, and tax it as they see fit.  ( like they don't already control every thing else.) it surely would solve some of these economic problems that we have going on right now. i would be afraid to say how much money is being spent on it right now with it illegal. it could still be against the law to grow it yourself, and that really wouldn't matter if the Government would put out some quality product.
alcohol is responsible for so many tragic things that it would be impossible to name them all. still,........it's legal. tobacco kills in many different ways, and still it's legal.  cocaine can't even be grown in this country, but still the use of it is at epidemic proportions. Marijuana is about the most harmless drug ever grown. most drugs have to be manufactured. i really can't see how it even qualifies to be a drug!!

poor old Willie,................you would think that by his age he could do what he wants to in his life if he's not hurting anybody else. especially in his own tour bus. wouldn't that be like his second home?  you know that he wasn't driving, so that was not a factor. the truth just maybe that somebody saw an opportunity to grab a cheap " ata-boy " at Willie's expense. at least this is the way that i see it. I'm in no way saying that they should have let him go because he is a celebrity. i don't think that would be right. what i am saying is that they should have considered his age, as a major factor.

                                                                  .....................much love

your turn

I'm a thinker, back home the older folks called it a ponderer, and my school teachers simply called it being a daydreamer. what ever that you choose to call it is fine with me, because I'm guilty as charged!!
maybe this is the result of pretty much growing up along. i had to entertain myself most of the time, and i quickly figured out that my mind was the largest playground in the world.
i'm still the same way today, but i've lost some of the more vivid thoughts that i had as a child. probably due to the harsh, cold reality of having to grow up. i believe that i skipped most of my growing up until i was 40. there is a lot of things that i missed out on due to this delayed process in my life, but i got to retain some of the child like qualities that i truly longed to hold on.
i've noticed that some people want to be an adult so bad that they just grasp the concept, and run with it. they keep jobs for their entire life, buy homes, and settle down with the person of their dreams forever. they have children, and by this time in their life they are starting to have grandchildren.
then there is the ones that tried, and failed miserably, and probably will be miserable until the day that they die, and broke. they also held down a job, bought a house, settled down with the person of their dreams, and started having children. well time passed, and he is divorced now, but he is still paying for that home that his wife lives in with her new husband, and he is living with his mom in the back room. he works 60-80 hours a week to pay all that child support for kids that really don't care much about him, and two of them want to go to college at his expense.
now,.........the cold reality is that these two fellers have basically achieved the same purpose in their lives. they have both devoted their whole lives to making somebody else happy. the only difference is the way that these men feel about themselves at the end of the day. the one is happy about all his accomplishments, as he slides between the covers to make love to his wife after 30+ years. the other one doesn't really have nothing, as he lays down on his little bed in the back room of his mothers house, dreading another day of work in a few short hours.
I've thought about this scenario for a long time, and i still can't figure out what made the difference. was it the woman?     was it the man?        was it just fate, or destiny?    was it the difference in jobs?         it had to be something that causes the outcome to be different. i simply can't figure this one out!! i know that there are a lot of under-lying factors to every life that we simply can't see, and it has to be a combination of some of those.
after seeing these two differences if i could go back i wouldn't change a thing about my life. even though, i would love to have a caring wife, and some kids, and now grand kids. i don't really think it would be worth the risk that i would be taking. i would probably wind up like the second guy, and be totally miserable for the rest of my life.
i would have probably spent a lot of time in jail, because Lil' James went to school and told his teacher that his daddy slap tore his ass up with a belt instead of giving him a time out!! i believe that i would have been a good father, but i can't see where a time out has more effect than an old fashioned whipping. if i have children i would want to instill good values in them, and teach them something that i grew up with called manners. i am not talking about abusing a child in any way. i would never do that. i just want a child capable of learning how to treat others in this thing that we call life.

"i welcome all y'all folks that have a different opinion than me, or the same to comment on this blog, or your welcome to send me a nasty letter at my e-mail located on the top of this blog. i don't edit the comments, because i feel if you have something to say, then you should be able to say it. i need to warn you though: just because you send me a nasty letter don't stop me from placing it on the comment section, so choose your words wisely, and remember one of your children might be reading this blog themselves."



as a matter of a fact:    let's do something different this up coming week. if y'all have anything to say about my blog.........the good, the bad, and the ugly,.........write me. i will answer all questions honestly, and i will post all comments without exposing who you are. i just want to know what y'all are thinking about this.        is it helping anybody in any kind of way?           is it making anybody think about things?            is it a waste of my time to even do this?           do y'all find some of these post humorous?                  are you highly disgusted with the whole deal?            is there anything that i can do to improve this blog?
i want to include everyone of you that is bold enough to write me. i would like to be more interactive with my readers. the counter on the profile page is not accurate. I've had hundreds of hits from many different countries around the world.           i know your out there, and i know that you are reading.     all I'm asking is for you to help me make this more enjoyable for you to read.

                                                         ...................much love

ALERT: missing friend

hey y'all!!         i've been thinking about a friend of mine that has been missing from my life for a few years now. i'm hoping that somebody reads my blog that might know him, or something about him. y'all know that my life has been turned upside-down this year, so he hasn't got a clue how to contact me, if has even tried.
his name is Michael Morgan. he usually goes by mike. he's about 50 years old. he might still be in the south Georgia area. last time i heard from him he was in the Waycross-Brunswick area. he said something about possible moving to South Carolina with the honey company that he was working for at the time. that don't mean that he did. it's just possible.
we first met while we were both employee's at the Salvation Army A.R.C. here in Jacksonville Florida, and became great friends. his hair should still be blondish, or a light brown. he likes to laugh a lot, drink beer, and loves to play the scratch off lottery tickets. you might could say the he has an scratch off addiction. i know that there are a ton of men that could fit this description, but if you know him personally something should stand out about him.
if anyone knows him please give him my e-mail address located at the top of my blog, and tell him some redneck from Alabama named James is concerned about him. i bet he will know me if you mention those two things--redneck & Alabama.
I'm sure hoping that he is alright, but things happen. if anyone knows any bad news about him, please write me, and tell me the truth. I'm really concerned about him, and need to know what has happened to him.        the good, bad, and ugly!! i would like to have some closure if needed.
i want to thank you in advance for any help that you might be able to give me in my search for mike!!

                                                        ....................much love

i'm gonna be sick tonite!!

i love when bubba goes to see his mom, especially on holidays!! he came back this morning after spending the whole week at her house, and he loaded up while he was there. he brought back so much delicious stuff, that i know i will lose control, and be sick tonight.
he brought back a bag full of turkey already off the bone, and one of my favorites dressing!!  as far as my sweet tooth,..........that wont be a problem now. he brought back some kind of cake, and a whole pecan pie. there was even some fresh danish wedding cookies that his mom made. of coarse my absolute favorite is the white chocolate covered pretzels that she makes every holiday season. she used to bring them to me while Jeff and myself worked at the store together, and after i moved on i sure did miss them!!
there ain't no telling what else he has at his place, because he brought those things over to mine. his refrigerator was too full to hold it all!! mom is good!! especially his mother, because she makes sure her little boy has plenty of everything like a good mom supposed to do.

it's clouding up, and i hope that it rains. a few drops fell while ago, but I'm hoping for a good old fashioned downpour!! the water table has been down this year. it hasn't rained as much as it usually does. i love the rain. maybe it has to do with being born under a water sign. actually, i love being around water, lakes, ponds, and the beautiful ocean. my first two years of living in Florida i went to the ocean everyday. i must have burnt out on going, because now i don't go but once a year. i almost have to force myself to do that. i scamper around the beach picking up a few sharks teeth, and looking for shells. most of the shells that i find though have been damaged. usually, by some predator eating what used to live in the shell.
speaking of the ocean: it's good to swim in the ocean. it heals any cut, or abrasion that your body might have. the sun, and the salt water combination bleaches you gray hair white. i know that most of y'all don't have gray hair, but i always enjoyed what it did to mine. i have little gray left in my balding head. most of the gray is in my beard, but I'm looking forward to it turning solid white. I'm not sure what the deal is, but my eyebrows are mostly black still. i guess they are the last to change. i have a few wild white hairs in them, and i wish that they would conform with the rest.  no,..............I'm not saying fall out either!!!
i lived in Miami for a couple years, and the bay was right down from my house. the water was so clear that you could just stand on the edge, and look down seeing amazing sea life. i was staring in the water one day, and i saw a seahorse swimming close to a rock in the water. i just stood there in total amazement because i had never saw one before. the don't have them in Bama!! before long more started swimming up, and from that point on every time i looked in that area i could see them, and they were plentiful.  they wasn't but a few inches long, but the way that they moved was amazing to this country boy. i heard that if you could catch them that the local tropical fish store would pay you for them, but i just liked being able to go to that one spot, and watch them swimming around. i never have saw them in the wild at any other place since then.

i think that moving to Florida was the best move that i could have ever made for myself. i was really deceived by what i was thinking to begin with. i thought that this was a party state, and everybody just run around having fun all the time. i never even considered what it takes to have that kind of lifestyle. it's takes a lot of money!!  even though there are some rich people that live here, and a lot of them. the poor working man makes this such a wonderful playground for the ones better off.
i love boats. i made the mistake of just wandering in a marina one day looking at all the different ones. they have them from your typical Alabama bass boats, up to massive yachts. i like the yachts, and they way that they are laid out inside. some of them are beautiful trimmed in fine wood and brass, with ever modern convenience known to most homes.  i said that i made a mistake,............well,..........it didn't take long before two big, massive goons were escorting me off the property in a way that i didn't care for,..........one on each arm!!  darn!!..........all the had to do was tell me to leave, and i would have complied!!

well,...............it's the next day, and the few rain drops were very disappointing to say the least. the good thing is that the say that the temperature is going into the 30's tonight.           i bet your wondering why that is a good thing?        Because i live in the sunshine state, and for two more reasons.
the first one is that this tropical climate produces an ungodly amount of bugs!! there is a variety of different flies, bees, crawling bugs, and skeeters.Lord knows that we have the worlds biggest ant population down here. Itty-kitty has caught two different snakes this week, and it's nearly December. whatever,........ the cold makes them immobile or simply kills them.  it's time for a bug break!!
the second reason is that i get to build a fire in the fireplace tonight!! i love to build, and watch a fire as it consumes everything in it's path. I've always have had a fire compulsion ever since i was a kid. i have this water deal going at the same time. i love to play in the water, and with water. i used to build fires just to put them out.
i bet you think that i was a hellion child, and your right. you have to remember that i grew up in a time before regular garbage pick-up even existed, or at least i think that it didn't. we used to burn our trash in a 55 gallon steel drum out in the country. then about twice a year we would bury the contents that remained. usually, just cans, and things that wouldn't burn.
i always took care of the dealing with the garbage since a very young age. actually,.......i was too young to understand the physics of fire and wind. i just liked to burn things. one day i was out burning somethings, and the wind was blowing way too hard to be doing this at the time. a wind gust hit, and blew burning paper all crossed the field behind the house, and caught the whole field on fire. i knew that it wasn't supposed to be burning, but i was intrigued watching it. it wasn't long before the fire department showed up, and drug out their water hoses. it was the greatest sight that i had ever seen!! their hoses put out way more water than my garden hose ever even thought about!! man i was excited!!
all that ended when mom came home about the time that the firemen finished putting the field out. she couldn't understand my passion, and excitement that i had at the time. although,...........she had a solution to end all that excitement. she beat my ass with the belt until i couldn't sit down for a couple days!!  yep,.........that's right,..........i grew up in a different time and place in society.   i often wonder what would have happened if she had just given me a time out for my actions the way that they do today?          hum?.............i probably would have wound up going to jail for arson later on in my life.
my compulsion with fire is just as strong today, as it was back then. only now I'm more careful, and have a little more knowledge about burning things. just to prove this still exist inside of me. i had a raging fire going in the back yard the other day, and the fire dept. came up, and told me to put it out. i looked at them and said, " are you sure?"  he just laughed, and said,........yep. he must have been a country boy also!!

                                                                  ....................much love

a redneck love

i don't reckon if i called this post anything else it would make a bit of difference. i think that love is pretty much love no matter what kind of a person is giving their best attempt. i believe love is universal no matter what country that your in, or what country that you might move to in the future. i call it a redneck love, because that makes it personal to me. i grew up with redneck values, and anybody knows anything about the redneck way of life doesn't make them all tobacco spitin' hillbillies. it is a culture in it's own right, but it does have some strange things about it also.
i was talking to a close friend last night, and she brought up the subject of love. i ain't never been the kinda man that was taught too much about love. i'm really not sure if it is an art that can be taught, but i'm sure there is an art to it, or just pure dumb luck...........who can say?
I've  loved two women in my life, and i still love them today. although, I've never been married, but that was my fault. i don't think that i was the marring kind, because i was so unstable, and buck wild. a woman needs security in her life, and not a big kid to raise. unfortunately, i didn't even think about calming down until a few years ago.
I've went most of my life thinking that i was a failure at love, but how could that possibly be true? i loved with my whole heart, and i never put any other woman above these two. i never fooled around on them. there was no such thing as any other woman even desirable to me, as long as i was with either one of them. i knew that i had found everything that i would ever need in both of them, so how did i fail?
one of them i fell hard at first sight. she was simply beautiful to me. when i first heard her voice it made my heart melt. i knew from that point on that she was special to me, and would always be that way. we actually lived together for three years, and she had all that she could take of me.
we split up, and i came to Florida to grow up. it took a mighty long time just to start thinking about it. several years had passed, and i contacted her a while back. we caught up quickly, and became friends again.
right now she is mad enough at me to chew nails, and spit bullets at me, and it's all over my blog. I've tried to reason with her, and finally just told her not to read it if it was going to upset her in any way. that was about two weeks ago, and I've not heard a word from her since. i even changed one of my post completely to make her happy, but with no success.
does this make me love her any less that i once did?...........nope, sure don't change my heart!! I've noticed that my heart loves who it wants to, and I've tried to convince it otherwise, but it's as stubborn as i am.
now,.....the second woman that I've dared to love is totally different from her. it took me a while to fall for her, but i did nevertheless. i just knew that she would be very special to me for the rest of my life also. i guess what caught me about her was how she loved others, and the compassion that she showed others. plus there was something special in her eyes when i looked at her. it just lit her up!!
were still friends, but it is a strange friendship to say the least. i don't know if she gets mad at me, or what she is doing, but sometimes i can go a couple months without a word from her.          does that make me love her any less than i once did.............well,.........heck no!!

actually, .......i feel blessed to have ever loved either of these two women. they are both special to me in their own way. they will remain just as special no matter what they do, or don't do. i can't change my heart............I've tried with every fiber of my being, and it just ain't going to happen. i will go beyond my grave loving these two, and could in no way pick between them if i had to choose one over the other one. fortunately, i will never have to make that choice, because of them.
i really don't see how a person can say that they love another, and turn around and say different. i know that sometimes people grow apart because of different circumstances that happens in life. maybe I'm just different? maybe i really don't know a lot about love? to me when you confess your love for each other it supposed to mean something real. something so real that your heart never really gets over it. why would you want it to?
can you remember the times in your life that you were in love?  is there any better feeling when somebody else excites you to the point that you just get silly-goofy? you think about them all the time, and just can wait until you get back to them when your away. that's incredible that somebody can make you feel this way,........ain't it?
i don't know if there will ever be another woman in my life that i will love again. i wasn't looking for those two......it just happened that way. i wouldn't mind if someone crossed my path that turned my world upside down again. it's the best feeling to know that you love somebody else, and even better than that is if they return that love to you!! even if that happens i will continue to love these other two with my whole heart.
the good thing is that i no longer feel like a failure with love. i know in my heart that i did the best that i could do at the time. it might have not been good enough in the long run, but it was all i had to give. i don't think that you can give any more than your entire heart, and that's what i do!!

                                     ............................much love

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!

well,..........i've finally decided what i'm going to do today. i don't need anything fancy, so i decided that i would just stay home, and show gratitude for this house that i live in. it's really a cool house, Spirits and all. there is one problem though, most of the house has white tile floors, either white tile, or hard wood. the hard wood is not that hard to deal with, but the white tile is murder.
i've got a great friend named Lynn. yep,..........that's right,............that's her real name. i've know Lynn since the year 2000. i've always called her baby girl, and i always plan to call her that, until i draw my last breath.
i was cleaning these awful floors while ago, and it made me think of baby girl. i used to laugh, and make fun of her, because she has the same type of floors in her house. she was always cleaning the floors. she said that i simply didn't understand how dirty they get, and how quick. well,..........she was right!!  i didn't understand until i wound up with them myself. i had no idea how dirty that they could get with just me. baby girl has several different things working against her though. she loves her animals, and she has quite a few running in, and out of the house constantly, both dogs and cats. plus she has a husband that loves to hunt and fish, and is always out in the yard working on some project. to say that her house traffic is high, would be an understatement!!
it's just basically me here, and itty-kitty. she loves to go hunting all day, and brings me her catches. the state of Florida has no shortage of lizards, and she is a skilled hunter, so you can imagine the lizards that i sweep up, because she literally plays with them until they cease to live. she had a grass snake pinned down the other day, and bubba took it from her. she got so mad that she went and hid for the rest of the day!!
did i tell y'all that i saw screamer the other day? screamer was my jet black cat that i simply had to leave when i lost my home. i hated to do that, but i really didn't have a choice. i couldn't take him with me, because he would not have lasted a day in the downtown area. i was really hoping that baby girl would have taken him, and gave him a good home with her, but that never happened. she already has several of her own to take care of. i went by my old home, and this woman had moved into it with several kids. all the kids called him something different, and he would come to each one of them. the lady was telling me how gentle, and good that he was with her kids. i just smiled,..........knowing that he had a good home, with people that loved him the way that i always did.
i really miss baby girl. she just doesn't talk to me like she once did. i guess all the changes that I've went through this year has upset her. to tell the truth it has probably broken her heart. it can't be easy to see a man loose everything, and walk the streets a homeless man. she keeps saying that maybe i should go back to Bama, but this is my home now, and i plan to get this mess straightened out, and continue to live here. I'm too old to even think about a serious relocation move again.
i know that this is coming to an end soon. I'm just not as happy as i would like to be. i need to find me a job, and get back on my own. don't take me wrong,..........I'm very grateful for what bubba has done for me. i love this house, but i know that it's not mine. i need to have my own life with some consistency. actually, i need a lot of consistency. I'm a creature of habit. i get into my own groove and motivate that way.
spending time with bubba has been great for me. i think that I've helped him out as much as he has helped me. we do have a lot of history behind us, and I'm sure that we have a future ahead of us. bubba has some issues that he needs to work out on his own, and all i can do to help him is support his effort. somethings a man just has to do on his own. I'm in the same boat. I'm no better off than when i first came here. I'm just not on the streets. i can see that my world is fixing to come crashing down again. within two weeks i need to re-apply for my Shands card again, and I'm in all kinds of trouble. mainly with my I.D. it has to have the address that I'm living at on it. to get a new one will cost almost 32.00$, and some serious proof of residency. i don't see how I'm going to come up with all that with in two weeks. i guess that i need to pray seriously about this, because nothing short of God can make the difference that i need!!

today is another beautiful day. right now it's already 77 degrees. I'm sitting here wearing a shirt, and a pair of shorts. this is typical Florida weather. this weekend it supposed to get down in the 30's at night. oh boy!!..........i get to build a fire in the fireplace!! this is my first time ever having a fireplace in my home, and i really enjoy having one. the clean-up is quite messy, but it's well worth it. i just looked at temps crossed the country, and the only warm places are in the south. thank you Lord that I'm a southern boy!! it's even cold in California.

I've really not decided what I'm having for dinner tonight. i have my heart set on some fresh biscuits, and maybe some stove top stuffing. i have the gravy, and some cranberry sauce. i love that stuff!! I'll add some stuff to the gravy like onion, and eggs to make it better. maybe I'll eat that with a can of octopus. i never tried octopus until about a month ago, but it's really good. I've even cooked a whole one a couple weeks ago, and it also turned out well. i think that it's better out of the can though. i know darn well that it is cheaper that way. for some reason i don't care to eat much meat anymore. i don't know what has happened. i mostly just eat vegetables, and noodles of any style. i still love my cheeseburgers, and I've grown quite fond of hot dogs also. i know that it's not a money factor, because i get Obama bucks for that. i just don't desire that much meat any more. i still love my seafood though, but i need to get it fresh.
speaking of prices:   have y'all noticed a difference at the grocery store here lately?  I'm not sure what has happened at Winn-Dixie, but i can't even afford what they have on sale anymore. it would take a rich person to shop there anymore. they jack the prices almost double up, and say buy one get another one free.  what kind of sale is that? while Publix keeps their prices the same, and has the same sale. the only thing that's bad about that is there isn't a Publix in my neighborhood anymore. i used to live right down the street from one, and i could really save a lot of money shopping their sales.

i can't imagine doing anything other that what I'm doing right now today. I'm sitting here boring my readers to death, and listening to classic rock on the radio. i don't have a T.V., and really don't miss it that much. i can always watch something on the computer if i really want to bad enough. hey,...........y'all realize why they call it classic rock don't you?       simply,..........because I'm getting old!!  it was the music that i grew up listening to as a teenager, and early 20's. before long they will change it to the golden oldies!! by the time something else slides up into that spot, i will have checked out!!.............ain't that a thought?

did i tell y'all that i met the owners of the house that I'm staying in the other night?  maybe i should have said re-met them, because I've known them for several years. they used to frequent the store that i worked at. it was not the glorious reunion that i was hoping for it to be. they were quite upset with bubba. i won't even go into why, but i understood completely. the woman said that she didn't know if i could be trusted anymore. i ask her if i should leave then, and she said ,.......no. she said that she would be keeping an eye on me though. i was grateful for her answer, because i would have been back on the streets. that was an eye-opening experience to say the least.
speaking of the devil:  this guy just came up her, and said that he had made a deal on the shelves in the closets in this house with bubba. i told him that bubba wasn't here, and as far as i was concerned any deal that they made in the past has just been canceled!! he acted like i had bit him in the ass, but i didn't care less. this is my home for now, and if the owners don't want nothing sold in it, then i would be a fool to go against their wishes. bubba can do what he wants to, but i wont be a part of it. i will just sit here and play these silly games on this computer.

i guess that i've said enough for today. ................just remember,.............don't eat too much turkey today!!


                                                        ......................much love

the real deal........

Tomorrow is an traditional American Holiday. it's called Thanksgiving in our country. most people get that day off with pay, unless they work in the medical field, or the only things their bosses are grateful for is that money in their pocket. a few businesses will be open tomorrow. usually the ones that place the value of money, above their employees.
I've worked for people like that. their always crying broke, and never give raises. i worked for a guy that was so cheap that he would even work holidays with straight pay. he would usually close early complaining that nobody wanted to come to his restaurant, and eat while he took the day off to be with his family. he would actually loose money by trying to work the holidays. i worked for this guy for three years. he would gladly give you a weeks vacation off at your expense.  i remember the first Christmas. he shut down early on night to throw a party for his workers. although, he had a full bar..........no alcohol was served, and the kitchen staff had to cook the food, and every employee still had to clean up the mess.
if anybody wasn't scheduled to work that night they didn't even show up. the still got their Christmas gift from the boss man. he went out and splurged on a five dollar lotto scratch off ticket for every employee!! he couldn't understand why were acting so ungrateful, so the next year he did nothing for us. no party,........no lotto..............,and we didn't have to clean up a mess either!!

the tradition was meant for a family to spend time together enjoying each others company. being grateful for what you had, no matter how little it was, nor how much. i really don't remember it working out that well at our house growing up. it seemed that mom would bust her butt for three days preparing for the day. when that day finally arrived she was cranky and worn out. i guess that you've all heard the saying, " if mama ain't happy,........then nobody else is!!"   Lord Sweet Jesus how true that is!! usually, by the time everybody strolled in they left with in an hour. i couldn't see why all this work was done for an hour meal. i always thought the big event was simply to have a good time with your family. i never could see the point in cooking so much food, that you couldn't even sit at the table to eat it.
i really don't know about anybody else family, but my holiday events were the same. we got together,............we got mad about something,..............we left mad,...................but we always got over it, and came back to do it again.

things are much different for me today. all i have left in this world for family are two sisters, and their kids. one lives in Alabama, and the other Tennessee. we rarely talk any more, and haven't seen each other in years. i guess my being buck wild for several years put a real strain on our relationship, besides that they have their own lives with their own problems. i just want them to know that i still love them no matter what any of us do!!
I'm not sure what I'm going to do tomorrow. i reckon it will be just another day. I've got plenty of food to eat, and clean clothes to wear. i might run to the store today, and get some turkey parts. i really just like the thighs. them again bubba is coming home Friday from his moms, and i can bet that he will bring a fridge full of food with him. it really don't matter what i do. i just want to be happy while I'm doing it. i had my heart set on going to the mission, and helping with the Thanksgiving meal. i had no idea that there would be such an over-whelming response , and a limited number of volunteers taken.
i might just go down there tomorrow any just to eat some turkey, and be a part of something besides staying by myself the whole day. the buses run on a holiday schedule tomorrow though. the only run every two hours, and that can be a major hassle. i don't have a lot of " bus luck!" i spend a lot of time waiting for the next bus, because i just missed one. oh well,............I'll know more tomorrow.

just rambling tonight..

one of my readers contacted me the other day, and ask what i thought to be a fair question: she asked why i never talked about my sex life?        i wrote her back, asking what she meant by sex life? i told her that I've had one before, but i couldn't quite remember what is consist of, because it had been so long.
i guess the closest that i've come to even thinkin' about sex was the other day. i was downtown at the library, and decided to walk to the store, and pick up a few things, and catch the bus in front of the store. it was a several block walk, so i decided to do what i do a lot of, ..........i set in front of a church, and started watching people.
you can see everything that you can think of going on in the city. somethings that you see things that makes you wish that i really didn't need to see all that.
i need to make one point perfectly clear right now:........ i love women!!         i love all kinds of different women  .i love to watch them, and talk to them. i love everything about them. the way that they look, and the way that they smell. i do prefer mine a little older like i an though. most of them by my age don't run as fast as they used to run!!
i  never have understood what a man can see in another man sexually. I'm not blind either. i can see what might attract a woman to some men, but i can't see what might attract them to each other. i know this world is full of people that simply don't care what they put in their mouths, but i ain't one of them.

back to my story:   i have been sitting in front of the church just people watching. then from a round the corner these two women started walking toward me. i eyed them up, and down, and they quickly got my approval. these women didn't look like they belonged in this area, because it is semi-rough. most of the women that i'm used to seeing in this area have had better days,.............just to be kind. as they approached i spoke in my southern accent, and they spoke back. one of them started giggling as they walked past. she turned to the other woman and said, " that man is fine, and the other one agreed."
i'm not used to hearing this, especially from a woman who doesn't want anything from me. automatically, my chest pushed out, as my gut pulled in, and i had a big ole' smile on my face!! this is typical behavior by a man that is aging.  i was happy to hear that,..........so happy that i lost my focus for a couple minutes.
i was not paying attention, because two J.S.O. (COPS) had stopped in front of me. they each was in a car, and they got out like they were expecting me to run. i just sit there as they both came at me with a wide angle. i just sit there in total silence. i knew better that to move, or start talking. one officer said," you fellers never learn. you still want to sit in front of this church, and drink and do your drugs."   i stayed silent, as he asked if i could read. i said yes. then he told me to turn around, and read what that sign said to him. i knew that he was just being a smart ass, but i read him the sign anyway. it said no trespassing.        then why are you sitting here? i told him the short version, because I've found that the least that you say, usually the better of that you will be.
one had taken my I.D. to his car to run it, and the other one stood in front of me eyeballing me hard. i quickly remembered my statements about the first Baptist Church the other day, and figured this was what it was about. i knew that they would find something to make my life more miserable that it had became since their appearance. i guess that the good thing was i was sitting in front of a different church.
the other cop came back, and handed my I.D. back to me. i knew right then that they had nothing on me. i knew that anything that might have popped up would have been crap any way. i asked, if i was free to go, and he said yes, then started giving me a load of crap, as i just walked away from him.
i'll never forget that i found a piece of paper laying at the bus stop one day that simply said, " there is no situation of misery that can't be made worse, by the presence of a police officer!!"

I'm not used to dealing with the boys in blue. i knew that i haven't done anything wrong to begin with. that trespassing sign was meant for the church property. i was on the wall, beside the sidewalk. you would have thought that they could be doing something more important than harassing me.  like sitting in their car watching a D.V.D. ,or checking out the new donuts down at dun-kin' donuts.

i guess that i didn't really have much to say tonight, but as soon as i can find the right love relationship i will include her in my post................no,...........i wont give the intimate details of our life, but I'm sure that she will influence my blog in other ways. I'm kinda thinking that I've probably waited to late to start another love relationship in my life. the stone cold fact is that i simple don't have anything material to offer. most women think that by the time that you get my age, that i should have something going for me. the truth is that they are right!! nobody wants a broken down old man that is still semi-homeless. the only ones that might want me is some co-dependent woman that wants to fix me. i know that i need fixing, but I'm afraid that i would wear her out before she actually completes her mission. I've heard my whole life that you can't teach an old dog new tricks, and now I've become the old dog. do y'all reckon that there is any hope left for me?

                                          ......................much love

heading back down to the mission

there was a reason that i didn't tell y'all about this mission in my post today. one reason is that i want to devote some time to it, and the other reason is that i plan to return this coming up week. I'm not moving back downtown, unless something happens to the house where I'm at. I've grown to love living here. me and bubba get alone with each other excellently. even his kitty, which i now call itty-kitty, spend more time with me, than she does him. I've never really had a hard time with becoming friends with most animals.
I'm planning to go to the City Rescue Mission, which has another name: The New Life Inn. i plan to go Thursday, and donate my time serving Thanksgiving dinner to the homeless. bubba wanted me to attend his mothers gala, because they are having this years Thanksgiving affair at her house. I'm sure the dinner will be excellent, but I've had my heart set on doing this for a while now. it's very important for me to give back where I've been given when i most needed it.
I've stayed several night at the new life inn, and honestly, they put on the best show in town. I'm really impressed by the treatment that I've received. they always have been consistent with their actions. i really need to explain this first. all the residents are a part of their come to Jesus program, and as far as i can tell it's working fabulously. all the fellers get along with each other, and they only work 8 hour shifts. there's about 70+ men to run the program with out causing too much stress on them, and they work three shifts. they comfort, and lift each other up when it's needed. i can tell you that it's needed often, because dealing the homeless ain't always easy!! there is always a couple hecklers to get on a mans last nerve.
the first thing that happened when you first check in is that they assign each man a bed. then they give each man an opportunity to take a shower, and clean up. the amazing thing is that I've never heard the staff yelling at a person to hurry up. the showers are excellent. they have plenty water pressure, and the hot water usually last until pretty close to the the end. they always have clean clothes to exchange your old nasty ones in for a fresh start.
after you take a shower then they tell you to line up for dinner. dinner is most always immaculate. every now and then it's not so good, but that only one item on your plate. they usually have some form of meat, and vegetables on your plate, along with a piece of bread. before you get out of line you choose the desert that you want. if all this wasn't enough you go around to the salad table, and pick up fruit, and a salad. they always serve you a glass of kool-aid with ice, and have several grocery carts full of fresh bread if you desire more.
the next move is to go upstairs to your bed. the first think that i couldn't help but notice was the fact that your bed is already made up for you. you don't have to wait until the end of the night, before you fight to get some cover on your bed. they allow you to lay down, and rest until chapel time. now,............I've said this before,............and I'm going to say it plenty more times,...........being homeless is a full time job!! it's much easier to have a life, and work.
keep in mind that anytime that you want to leave that you can. there not forcing anything down anybody's throat. if you decide to leave before, or after chapel then somebody else gets a bed. they are not done dealing until every bed has somebody in it. on cold nights, and rainy night they do what they call over-flow. nobody is turned away. you might have to sleep on the dinning room floor, but at least your inside for the night.
as far as the chapel service goes they seem to always have an amazing group, or preacher to show up. they put them on a strict time limited also. you never have a boring preacher attempting to sear your heart for over an hour. by this time of day a homeless person has a short attention span any way. the truth is if the Spirit don't move them with in an hour, He just ain't gonna move them at all!!
after chapel it's bed time, and they turn the lights down at nine. they also have what i prefer to call a keeper, or a shepherd who stays up all night to help with any needs that may arise. most of them heathen men call him a guard, but he is not there to guard anything, because nobody is locked down.
at six the next morning they serve you a nutritious meal to start your day. it usually consist of one or two meals. it's either a pastry of your choosing, and all the cereal that you want to eat. the pastry is heated up in the oven, and served with hot, ....real coffee, and you have all the milk that you need to drink. the other meal is sausage, scrambled eggs, grits ( thank you Lord that we live in the south!!) with all the fixings.
i guess that my favorite part of this mission is watching the staff dealing with each other, and the way that they deal with the guest. that's what they call us either guest, or family, and they can sure make you feel like your wanted. the love of God is flowing throughout every thing that they do. the building is very clean from the top to the bottom.
the very most important thing about the New Life experience is the fact that God's presence is alive and very well!! he is transforming lives all over that building. any time that you get amongst all that much God, you simply have to be effected by it. i have never had a bad experience with anytime that I've stayed there, and I've always left the next morning with a smile on my face, and a great hope for the day!!
i might need to back up a little, because i need to tell the truth. i did stay there once 10-12 years ago, and had the worst experience of my life. it was a total disaster, and i swore that i would never stay there again. thankfully...........i checked it out this year, simply because i was in a bind, and i had run out of options. I'm really glad that i did, because it has changed so much. i can happily report that the New Life Inn has grown with leaps and bounds. seems like the power of God is not only working through them, but also working on them!!

it seems that I've waited too late to sign up for Thanksgiving dinner, as far as to volunteer. i never knew that it was such an over-whelming turnout. i was really looking forward to being there. well,..........at least there will be plenty of people there to help. maybe i should go a head and sign up for Christmas?

                                                                  ....................much love

Jacksonville ranked at #6

GREENSBORO – A new study by Men's Health magazine ranked Greensboro number two on the magazine's list of America's Most Religious Cities.
Colorado Springs, Colo. topped the list. Three other North Carolina cities ranked high on the list of 100, Charlotte was number nine, Raleigh, 13, and Durham, 14.
Men's Health said it scoured U.S. Census Bureau data, the yellow pages and other resources to rank America's holiest hometowns.

Among the criteria was the number of places of worship per capita. In Greensboro they abound.
"There are a lot of choices here in town. It's a good sign,” said Clarke Martin, executive director of Guilford Interfaith Hospitality Network. “I'm encouraged by it. It did make me think about what's going on in the rest of the country.”
The magazine looked at the number of religious organizations in each city. Martin's is one of many in Greensboro and churches are its life blood.
"We have 59 churches that support our network,” he said. “We're a homeless center for family. Homeless children and their parents are who we minister to."
And apparently people in Greensboro spend lots of money on religious books, another factor in the rankings.
"I think that's probably accurate,” said Ann Mann, manager of the Franciscan Center, a book store on Greene Street. “We do get a lot of people coming in here looking for good books. Books that they can get something out of. It's just not a novel just to read."
Another criterion used to develop the survey was the number of volunteers who support organizations like Martin's.
"We figure in that group that's housing families 365 days a year there are probably 1,500 volunteers that are involved in that operation," Martin said.
"This is a good community. People like living here,” said Lana Gainey, a Network volunteer and parishioner at St. Paul the Apostle Catholic Church. “If we are members of churches I think our pastors and our ministers reach out to us to help."
The rankings wouldn't likely change hearts, but Martin said it looked like Greensboro's heart already was in the right place.
"It's good to know in Greensboro that there are indications that God is at work," he said.

i thought that y'all might like to read about Greensboro, and what they had to say. I've spent the last two days trying to find the post about Jax again, but for some reason it has vanished .         mmmm.............imagine that!! i first read it on www.news4jax.com , and they can't even help me find it again.  strange.......huh?

anyway when i first read it i started to question the care of the homeless in jax. the article about jax didn't say nary word about these folks like our neighbors to the north. my question when i first read it was why if we are ranked #6 in the nation, then why do we only have three homeless shelters?
more than that,.............yep,..............that right,................I'm going to point fingers, and call some names!!  the First Baptist Church owns  a large section of property downtown. they simply have huge buildings sitting vacant. why don't they have a homeless shelter? in fact,...........why does their security guards run off the homeless during their church services?  i know that they do a little for the homeless,..........very little!! they don't do anything for them personally in their church, but they have donated small amounts to outside missions.
maybe it's a blessing in disguise that they don't. i think that it probably is because you need to have good morals, and values to begin with, and they don't possess either. the are corrupt, and evil as hell!! they actually kicked out one of their members for writing a blog called fbc watchdog. how did they know who was writing it? they suppeaned Google for the information under false pretenses. the whole sheriffs department was involved, and the sheriff did a private investigation, and he said that he found no wrong doing!! actually,........most of the members of the J.S.O., are members of the F.B.C. also.......a.k.a. the henchmen!! would you like to hear the strangest part of all this?  the paperwork that had been filed about this case mysteriously vanished one night. .............duh!!,..............imagine that!!
now i used to attend myself when Pastor Jerry Vines was running that show. i liked his preaching ability, but I'm not sure if he was the leader of the downtown mafia. I'm gonna say one more thing, before i stop and wait on the J.S.O. to come and take my hard-drive from me.    the Holy Bible says that satan can come as an angel of light!! I'm finished with these bunch of idiots now.  just rock on in the name of Jesus fellers!!

i do love a mega-church in this area. it called Trinity Baptist Church, and they support their own mission downtown. they had a horrible thing come to light about one of their founding members a couple years ago. the difference between them and the F.B.C. was the fact that they didn't try to cover it up. the sought out the truth, and they let justice serve. i would imagine that hurt them somewhat, but they allowed the grace of God cover them with His love!!            yep,.............that's right,..............I'm not going into the details.       yep,............that's right,.............i do know them, but where you hold yourself responsible for a tragedy then i consider the case pretty well dealt with!! it's in the hands of the Almighty God!!
the only way that i can attend T.B.C. is to go downtown, and ride the bus from the mission. the are located on the west-side kinda off the beaten path. they do have another option for me though. actually it's good for everybody. it called a live feed of all their services. when i don't attend i always watch them, but it's not the same. you can't feel the real power of God sweeping throughout the sanctuary like when your there. you can't experience the love of the visitors toward you, and each other like when your there. www.tbc.org
from the first time that I've sit in that church I've always felt welcomed and loved. I've never failed to feel the warmness from a loving God either. Tom Messer is a great pastor. he is the senior pastor, and has always been since that I've been affiliated with them. he doesn't really worry about offending his members either. he just preached the word of God like it is!!  he knows that all the church money comes from God to begin with, and his job is to tell it like it is, but i have never heard him being rude at the same time. how can a man be rude while preaching the love of God anyway? Tom Messer ranks right up there with my favorite preachers.
back to the helping of the homeless. Trinity Rescue Mission has suffered somewhat since I've been involved with their program. the place has not been maintained properly since Brother Gene Pruett has left the ministry. the mission used to kept immaculate. i know this because i was in their program way back then, and i was a part of the cleaning of the mission everyday. a lot of things have changed since Bro. Gene's time. now that just concentrate on Jesus when He wont interfere with work time. they are concentrating more on the money aspect that the Jesus time. the schedule is a farce, because you never know what it really is going to be like. the one thing that is a constant is the fact that your going to work from 16-18 hours everyday. it's not like they are slave driving you, or anything like that. most of the time you simply need to up and ready for what ever comes next.
i don't really think that the members, or the staff at the church really knows what is going on down at the mission. i can really see how they could. i believe the man, or men in charge at the mission are covering up a lot of what's going on down there. now I'm not including pastor Jim in this statement either. i just think that he is so involved in his work that he can't really see it. i believe that pastor Jim is a Godly man. have you ever heard him pray? he is very impressive about the way he humbles himself, and speaks to the Lord from his heart.
i know the difference first hand that the right people, in the right position came make. I've graduated both their programs back in the year of 2000 without any problem. i recently came back in of August this past year, and was kicked out with in three weeks for not focusing my proverb time on others. instead of putting all my focus on Jesus. do i think that it was the will of God for me to be kicked out?       sure i do!!  even under those strange circumstances. He simply had a different plan for my life, and i can accept that.
i have nothing bad to say about T.B.C.............nothing!! i do however wish that they would take a closer look into their homeless ministry, and see if you can make it better like it once was.
now,............I've got totally off track, but i guess you readers are used to that by now. i wished the the city of Jax would have had the kind of write up that Greensboro had wrote about themselves. they should have took the time to share what these city churches are doing for the homeless in our area. more than likely the reason was because the F.B.C. wouldn't get any good exposure.  they run everything in this city, and anything that they want censored gets censored!!
well,..............I've exposed the same old bad one once again, and I've lifted up one very deserving of praise. there will be more to come in time.      the good,.......the bad,...........and of course the ugly.

                                                         ..........................much love

sometimes,............i just miss the mark

have you ever just known that you missed the mark? usually,......when you do it's too late to save the day. all the damage has been done, and the best that you can hope for is to throw yourself on the mercy of the court, and pray that they show mercy where you didn't.
why is it that you can simply being going along, and out of nowhere this huge granite stone of reality strikes you on the head? usually,............it's shaped like a tombstone!!  well,.........in my case it may just have to be that big to get my attention!!         yep,................that's right,............i am stubborn and mule-headed.
i might take on the appearance of a big ole' burly tough guy, but that's just the cover of my book. the inside is the real deal. the inside is this tender hearted little boy, that's really sensitive, just trying to figure out why my life is such a mess. i keep hoping that i will wake up one day, and all this madness is just a dream, but i know that's just the fantasy that i live in. the reality is nothing will ever change until i grow a set, and cause it to happen myself.
it's not like i don't keep trying, and i seen to be doing well for a while. then one thing that I've over looked, or taken for granite slams me straight to the ground, and I'm finding it more difficult to get back up as quickly as i once was able.
i know that i did this to myself...........kinda. i used to be watching t.v. with my girl, and she would be in tears, and i would be laughing my ass off at the same thing. she brought it to my attention that something was wrong with me. she said that i truly was hard hearted, and needed to change. i knew that she was right, so i went to the only one that could change my heart, and i went often before Him. every time i caught myself laughing over some tragic scene.........i was asking for a soft heart. it didn't take long before i would have to leave the room, because my pride would not allow me to show emotion in front of anybody. yep,..........that's right,...........i was in a mess, but i was no longer suffering from a hard heart. He answered my request!!
since then I've been watching sad scenes pretty much alone, and if i was with somebody i would go to the bathroom to avoid showing that i had real human emotions. my manhood was being beat down by my emotions, and that's not really been a bad thing either, but quite confusing at times.
here lately in my blog I've been letting loose of some of the things that really haunt me, and I'm increasingly becoming more open with who i really am. I've kept so much trapped inside of this body, that it's been slowly oozing out, simply because it had nowhere else to go. i hope that you realize that were human trash cans, and the nastiest of the nasty clogs up the whole system unless you empty it out on a regular basis. sometimes you simply have to empty it to allow some goodness a chance to come in.
people have become my passion. most of my life i didn't allow but a few to enter close inside my life. today,........i view folks in a different way.  I'm especially concerned about the down trodden. the poor, the homeless, and the mental ones walking the streets, and the ones with addiction problems. funny how i've fit in everyone of these categories in times past, and still presently for some. 
what can i do to help them? i don't have money to pass out to them, but money is really not the solution that they need, but it's still good to have some. i could volunteer to serve them in a mission, because i have plenty of time.             then reality set in, and i realized that i couldn't make an effect to the extreme that would make a difference.  then it came to me that i have a voice. a voice that travels all crossed the world..........hum..........
if i can point fingers in my local town, and somebody read it half crossed the world. then maybe if they are as passionate about people like i am. they could start pointing finger at the guilty in their area. before long people all crossed this world would be exposing corruption, and we could make a difference. if we could get a few politicians on our side then it would make so much difference.
i believe that the human race is well worth saving. they are God's greatest creation, and most prized possession. I've met good people on the streets, and each one has a different story to tell. they are just the same as us. they have a heart-beat, blood running through their veins, and breathe the same air as we do.
the problem in America is that we lost value in our greatest asset..............the human lives that make up this great nation. if we would take care of the people, then they would turn around, and take care of this country!!! they say that we don't have the money to take care of them, but then they have billions of dollars to bail out the failing financial institutions in this free inter-prize economy. then what did they do once they recovered  themselves? as far as i can tell........not a damn thing!!  the still took away the homes of hard working Americans that have been paying faithfully for many years!! they have cut them no slack at all!! i know in my heart that is just pure greed.           screw you,...........i gotta to have mine mentality!!  where do these jokers think that bail out money came from?     the same hard working Americans that they didn't offer any help to when they needed it the most!!
I've pointed a finger at out loser President so much that i fear the C.i.A. will come knocking on my door any day now, and attempt to shut me down. the only way that they will succeed is locked me so far down under that i will never see a computer again. I've picked on the First Baptist Church so much, and plan to again, that they will probably send their henchman out to bribe me, lock me up, or break my friggin' fingers...........yep,........that's right,.............they really are that corrupt, all in the Name of Jesus baby!!!
the strange thing is that i know that I've wasted my life away, being as vile, and corrupt as the people that i'm attacking today. i didn't care about people, and i was dead wrong. if i don't ever do but one thing right, this is it. i want to speak love in the world, and promote the human beings. i want to love them, and lift them up until they can love themselves once again.           do i sound like i have personally experience with this extreme action?          you bet i do!!!.............someone,........actually it took a whole village to love and care for me, before i could even think about loving myself again!!         try something different today............tell your friend that you love them. i bet they have a  relative bound on the streets, or they at least know someday personally trapped in this madness!!
                                                      ...................much love

growing up with mom

for some strange reason i have blocked out the most of my childhood memories. i told y'all the story of my father pointing a handgun at me, before i was two years old.      still to this day i don't understand my feelings on that event. how did i know way back then the power that gun possessed?    somehow, in my sub-conscious, that may have been the time that i chose to block my memories of childhood. it might of been the fact that i never was brought up as a real little boy, or the fact that i knew that i was a mistake to begin with.
my parents really had no need for me. daddy was 50 years old when i was born, and mom was 30. yep,........that's right,...........a 20 year difference in them to begin with. now,........what does a 50 year old man want with a brand new, screaming, shittin', crying baby, at his age?  I'm nearly 50 now, and that's the last thing that i want to invade my life at the present time!!
besides that, they didn't know anything about raising a boy. daddy only had girls by a previous marriage, and so did mother. I'm sure to say the least that they wasn't ready to tackle this demon seed that popped up in their lives. they got divorced when i was about three years old. i always figured that i was somehow the reason for it, and i very well may have been, but i suspect that mom probably was the culprit in that event.
now,...........listen closely,...............i loved my mother, and have no hard feelings against her in the least. she did as fine of a job raising me as she had the ability to accomplish the task at hand. she was my first love, and i wish that she was still on this earth everyday. however,............I'm going to expose some truths of what life was like with my mom. they are not all pretty, but some of them were. remember,...........she did the best that she could at the time!!
even though my parents were divorced i still was able to peek through the window, and see a battle royal going on between them at several different times. both my parents were barely over five feet tall, and weighed about the same. in other words, if you are going to engage in battle those two were an even match.
let the battle begin...............one night i saw my daddy pull up, and get out of the car banishing my grandpa's shot gun. i guess it was safe to say that daddy had a thing for guns. 
now mother always had a way to but the fear of God in me somehow. it was usually with her words. she used to call me Jimmy. she ran into the kitchen, and returned quickly with a cast iron skillet saying to me in a panicked voice, " hide Jimmy your fathers drunk and crazy!!"  then she took out the door.
naturally daddy was out in the yard cussing every breath, and swinging gramp's shot gun around. when mom told me to hide i immediately ran to the window, because i knew something was going to happen, and i thought that i wanted to see it.    yep,             that's right,............i thought that i wanted to see it,       but i was wrong!!              it was a short battle. for maybe two minutes those two cussed each other for everything. them mom had figured that she had heard enough of daddy's cussing,................she crowned him in the head with the cast iron skillet, and daddy fell to the ground. mother picked the shot gun up, and was still hammering away with on the porch, as the cops drove up. fortunate for her it busted into several pieces while the police man was still walking toward her. if that had happened in today's time, and here in Jax.................the j.s.o. would have shot her dead on the spot!!
the only thing that happened was the officer threw daddy in the back seat of his patrol car, and he was still knocked out, and gather up the shot gun pieces, and he left.
now the scene that i had just witnessed was horrifying to me!!         my mother, and father out in the yard screaming insanities at each other, them mom simply knocking him out. i didn't know that she just knocked him out. i thought that she probably killed him dead as a door nail!!          daddy was laying on the ground dead, and this wild woman wailing a shot gun on the porch.        now,...........do you think that this is a good sight to see when your probably four years old?
to beat all that i had just saw, mother came back in the house, and poured jet fuel on the fire already burning in my heart.          she said," your daddy came to kill you!! do you understand?
the sad thing was that i didn't understand. i didn't understand any of it. i never heard daddy say anything about me. how could i? he was way to busy shouting about my mother!!

i guess that i really needed to be in therapy at a really young age, because life was so confusing, and i hadn't even turned five yet. I've saw the engage in battle several times before that, but I'll always remember that as the night that i saw my mother kill my dad!!
if the truth had been known back then, as i now know it. mother did kill daddy, but she done it when she divorced him. daddy went to his grave still loving mom at 70 years old.        how do i know this? because those words came out of his lips in my presence one day, about two weeks before he died. i really need to tell you the story of my father's relationship with me, but that will be another time.
actually, this blog is bringing up some deeply hidden emotions in me, and i need to take a break for a while to clear my head and heart.             see you back in a bit!!
well,..............a bit was another day. actually i don't want to talk anymore about mother right now. all I'm trying to do is give you a glimpse into this madness that i call my past. this is just the tip of a very deep iceberg. like i said, I've blocked out most of my childhood memories. there is no telling what horror that I've blocked out, and the good Lord only know the reasons why!!
if i was raised in that kind of trauma it a wonder that i didn't grow up, if i even waited that long, to be a serial killer. all in all i feel that i turned out as well as i could. although, I'm no stranger to a jail cell, I've been blessed to avoid the prison system. i guess my biggest problem has always been with addiction, and all the madness that comes along with it.
you know that I've never spoken much about my childhood. this blog started as a self-therapy for me, and it continues to work when i utilize my readers as my sounding board. thank y'all for listing to the madness of my life, or is it just another illusion of confusion?

                                                      .........................much love

life is precious.............obama sucks!!

there is only approximately only six weeks left in this year. this was the year that i almost single handed destroyed my life!!  yep,............that's right,............i take the full credit for it. i know that i had some help from the failing American economy, and that fruit loop sitting in the American White house that should have never been there in the first place has done nothing right, so far, as far as i can't tell!!
oh crap!!!!.................i gotta,.............i just gotta, ..............I've got to devote my blog time to running a political skewer through that democratic jackass!!! Barrack Hussein Obama ,...................why does your name sound like every other Muslim name, but you still insist the you were American born? does the folks in the great state of Hawaii have this well hidden custom of naming the children after muslim  names?         well Sir i believe that you are a liar, and now the whole world knows that your a jackass!!
do you even have enough sense to realize what you've done?          yep,............that's right,.............I'm going to damn sure gonna enlighten your sorry ass on the real picture!!!           let's look over the fact that your a lying Muslim secretly wanting to drink hard liquor, and dance around the camp fire screaming things that no American can even decipher.  that is so irrelevant at this point. let's concentrate on how you have brought to shame the American black race.  yep,............that's right,.............i said the American people that has black skin!!  those are ones that put their hope in you to be the First American black President. you could have made a positive impact on the entire American race, but you have failed miserably!!  all you had to do was listen to what the people of America wanted. nobody wanted to loose their jobs!! nobody certainly did want to loose their homes!! do you realize that being homeless in this country is at a all time high? are you the first American czar? why don't you listen to us,..............the American people? the American people used to have a say about how this mess is run.
Obama you have taken the greatest opportunity that a black man has ever been given in this country, and flushed it down the royal throne. you are a shame to the American race!!  although, I'm not personally responsible for putting you in the highest office in this land. i always thought if we were going to have a black president that we should make it Bill Cosby. now that's a man with everything that America needs. he has a high intelligence level, morals, and values!!
then again,..................i am an American!!     i am a proud American!!.............if we the people but your sorry ass in that office then i am responsible!!    i stick behind what the majority of Americans want for this country!! so it truly is the fault of the people, and if we can survive the rest of your term, you can bet that you want get re-elected to cause more havoc on the American people!!