Fiasco.............ole'

fiasco................ain't that a snazzy word?              it just excites me to the point that i want to throw my sombrero in the floor, and dance around it shouting ole'!!

actually, fiasco is a descriptive word that nail's how chaotic my life is right now. I've done everything that i can to slow it down if not reverse the snowball effect that's taking place right now. it seems that everything that I've tried has done nothing more than make something else worse. I'm at the point that i believe that nothing can change the events in my life right now. it's like something bigger than i am is in control.
tomorrow is the last day of this month, and I'm hoping to stay here through Sunday night. I'm pretty sure that i can pull this off. I've got a big plan also. i plan to move into the woods, hopefully in a tent, so i can keep my clothes dry and together. then I'm going to try to do something that I've already been doing for months now: get a job!!
i believe with my whole heart that i qualify for a disability check, but i can't seem to get any cooperation from my Dr's at Shands. the specialist that i saw this week seems to think that he can cure me. what's his big plan? physical therapy of all things. he stressed the point that pain management was full of crap. do you think that he thought that i was at a different opinion?
actually, i think the whole damn Shands deal is full of crap!! i went to them because something was wrong, and still is today. all I've got from them is a whole lot of run around with no working solutions. I've seen six different Dr.'s now, and not one of them can agree about what's wrong.

maybe the bottom line is that i just give up!! this is far too messed up for me to fix, and apparently God Himself don't want to touch it either!!
I'm worn mentally to a frazzle with worry. i stay sick all the time from worry. i can't sleep at night from worrying.
i have found a solution though. i don't plan to worry about none of it anymore. what ever happens,.........just happens. I'm prepared to move out in the woods leaving everything in my old life behind me, and simply start over from scratch.
something is seriously wrong in my life right now. with all the wisdom that i possess i still don't have a clue what went wrong other than the fact that i don't have a job. i have never failed to get a job when i was looking for one until now. still that don't explain all these other things that have gone crazy. nothing has worked to my good, and that leads me to believe that nothing will until that one thing holding it back changes.
there's not but one thing that i even think that could be the problem, and that is me living in this house. I've saw the decline of the house that i live in, and my roommates for a long time now. I've done everything in my power to pull them out of several holes that we would wind up in, but i never even saw the signs, or i just didn't want to see them is more like it. i saw them, and I've though about leaving several times, but i just didn't want to leave. now, i have no choice but to leave.

anyway,.............I'm tired of complaining about the past, and this is all the past. time to move on to better days that are yet to come!! it's a damn shame that I'm so stubborn that i have to be stripped of everything that i have owned, or the life that i was happy living. the great thing is that my life has been spared, and all i have to do is simply build it back up, beyond what i have known it to be.
that's sounds difficult for a man that is living in the woods with only a few clothes don't it? well,............it is, but it's not impossible. let's look at it as a challenge..................a big challenge,...............but not an impossibility!!!

i can't do it!!!

hey y'all.                    i can't change.           a part of me wants to change, and become a cold cruel being just because my life is turning out badly.                honestly,...........i just can't do it. i really like what I've become. I'm proud of the man that i am today.
i have worked my ass of to become who i am today. is there any degree of misery that should make me return to my former way of being?     
yea,............though i walk through the valley in the shadow of death, should i really fear any evil?           and, I'm honestly walking through that valley right now, and i plan to go deeper into that valley.
i don't think that i will survive it. i really don't.        wouldn't it be cool to walk in that valley the man that I've come to know and love?         wouldn't it be cool to die being something that you want to be?
to me personally,................if I'm gonna die,...............then that's the way that i would want to go out.

am i saying that my life is over?                sadly,...........yes i am. i know that's it is just a matter of time, and i really don't think that it will take all that long. I'm not sure what's gonna take me out. it could be a broken heart. it cou..............no,....................it will be a broken heart!!  that's will be the end for me. that i know for sure.

my heart is broken right now. i can't imagine handling what's coming next.  actually,..........i don't want to handle what's next to come. enough has come across my plate already. i can't handle anymore, but..........i know,..............that is headed my direction.

the sad truth is that i can end it anytime that i choose. I'm just holding out waiting for a better day to produce. i have a solution for all this madness. i just don't want to do it until I'm sure that my life has totally come to and end.

I'm sure you all have heard the term dead man walking. that's me right now. I'm as dead as you can get,...........except,............i have refused to fall down.
 i wont change either. i will not become bitter or cold. i will not start hating what i can't have myself.

the bottom line is that i want to leave this world with the respect that i have for myself right now, and that's the way that i plan to leave.

                                       i do love y'all!!!

psychosis

now,..............ain't that just a helluva word!!                 yep,..................that's right,.....................I'm fixin' to give y'all my take on it.

the only thing that could even come close to qualify me to write anything on psychosis is the fact that I'm eat up with them. i know this, and you do to if you have every read this crap that i write. that is unless you are more eat up than i am, and really can't tell.

Definition from a medical dictionary:
Psychosis is a symptom or feature of mental illness typically characterized by radical changes in personality, impaired functioning, and a distorted or nonexistent sense of objective reality.

i bet when everyone of you read that somebody that you know popped into your mind, and probably several.             i pretty sure that we all know a person that i like to call a fruit loop. those that simple cannot control their issues, because of the fact that they have so many to begin with. they seemed to get over-whelmed often, and act abruptly. maybe you know a few that you find entertaining, and know exactly how to set them off. kids are wonderful at doing this. just ask their parents.

now,............i seriously doubt that there are any perfect beings that read my blog, and will be offended by what I'm going to say. just in case one slipped in through the cracks, please allow me to go ahead and apologize for anything that might open your eyes to my reality. remember, I've already admitted to being eat up with it!!

I've only been living for 47 years. some of y'all will think that's a long time, and some of you will not. it will depend on how old you are at the time of reading this tragedy. before i get started i need to take a pause for the cause, and I'll leave you with a little something to think about.

it seems that this generation has a vampire obsession. here's something to consider:   " if a vampire goes to turn a human being who has no teeth. will the human still grow fangs?"

OK,...........I'm back.                 why do you ask why i asked that question?           it's simple.............just because i can, and let you know the weird stuff that passes through my sick mind. plus,.........I'm trying to qualify myself for writing something this off the friggin' wall to begin with!!

in all my years on this particular planet, I've come to the conclusion that every human being suffers a psychosis to one degree or the other.  I'm thinkin' that it was part of our original design. have you ever considered that could be one of the elements that make us different? truly, if it's bad enough, it surely makes us different.
let me give you an example of the one that you might not think that has one. let's talk about that sweet little lady that we all know that lives in our neighborhood: she is a Sunday school teacher, and has been for years. she bakes fresh homemade cookie for her class every Sunday. she is always smilin', and you never hear her bad mouth anybody or anything. she cares about the community that she lives in, and always comes to the rescue when a neighbor is in need. her actions has made her highly attractive no matter what she looks like. from all outside appearances, we would call her perfect.

i swear on my mothers grave that this world would be much better off if we had more people like this woman living in it!! strangely though, that is not the point that making here.
i wonder how she, and those like her keep up " the being perfect facade ?" can you see where this would be a sickness? could you manage to do it?
i know that i couldn't. i would eventually get feed up with something, and start shouting obscenities. the sad thing is that i would really feel good about it until i stopped. then i would feel mighty low.
maybe this is what brought these people to this point in their lives? maybe they figured out that any rage wasn't worth the effort. I'm not sure, but i can't take but so much.

I've got a sister that I've always thought was the most stable person that I've ever known, and she may be. she has turned what could have been a completely miserable life into something that seems bearable. she has always been a hero in my eyes.
 let's think about this though. if she is my sister, by the same mother, then what makes her different than i am? i really can't think of but one thing, and it has to be about the choices that she made. she has to be just as sick as i am, but she followed through with her choices her entire life. she chose to not let her sickness show.    you go girl!!!

I'm not going to beat this issue to death. actually, i have some more entertaining thoughts to rip to shreds. I've said what I've said, and I've said what i meant to say. I'm not trying to get anybody to think like i do. however, i am trying to get people to think about something!! i believe if we can see  the similarities that we have in common, instead of how different that we think we are,  the world would be a better place to live.

........................isn't that what we really all want?

welcome................to another edition.................

...............of as the world burns!!  just jokin'. we can see that anytime that we pay attention to what's going on, especially with this newest Presidential Administration. i can say one thing about Obama. he didn't lie. he said if we wanted change that he would deliver change, and ever since he went into the white house the greatest free nation in the world has become a laughing stock of the world!! i guess that's what happens when you give the rains to a radical Muslim in a free country!!

i figure that I'm just gonna ramble tonight. my mind is twisting, turning, and burning with a lot of useless thoughts tonight. I'm not sure that they are useless, but it's not anything that i can change without some intelligent help. it appears that intelligence is becoming a lost factor in the u.s. today.  OK,.............i think that I'm already depressed enough without trying to solve our country's problems.

honestly,..............I'm just trying to De-focus on my personal problems right now. I'm just a few days away from walking to my front door for the last time. the really bad part is i have no destination to head toward. I'm totally clueless about what to do, or where to go. times like these makes the fact that I'm a loner really suck, but it didn't suck while my life was going well. actually, it probably extended the time that i feel that I've lived like a "normal" human being.
I've not done all that well with most of my life. you can tell by reading what i write. i can honestly say though that these past six years have been exciting, and eye opening. I've grown a lot these past six years in every area of my life. i guess the main thing, and most important that i learned was a little bit about loving others, and myself.

right now though I'm twisted, and fighting with demons. the evil side of me wants to lash out, and blame others for my problems. granted there are some factors that have contributed to my demise caused by others. i want to throw a fit, and scream, and fight with anybody that walks into my path. i want to take all my anguish out on the one that is stupid enough to cross my path with any ignorance at all!!
although, something deep inside of me is over-riding whatever rage that's trapped inside of me. I've been faced with what's heading my direction, and i know how difficult that it is to survive. I've decided to help these others that live in my house not to wind up in the same situation that I'm heading into.
 it's not easy dealing with an irrational being, because they are flipping out, because of some minor inconvenience that they can't handle. they tend to get on my last nerve with all the cussing, fussing, and threatening. i just know in my heart if one of them decided that they had to lay hands on me instead of just jawing at me that the end results wouldn't be pretty.   honestly,...........it would be a fight to the death, because i don't have nothing else to lose in my eyes!! right now my own life has little value.

maybe i feel the need to help others because i really don't think that i can survive another outdoor adventure. that's my two options. either live in the woods, or in a mission. if i can get hooked up in a mission doing the right thing i can get some things done that i really need to happen in my life. the problem with that personally with me is that i would never have a private moment, and would be herded like animals in a corral. standing in line to eat and shower. the good thing is that i could eat and shower. you always have to worry about somebody stealing your stuff, because your always surrounded by desperate people. although, it the mist of all that scum you will find a few really good people that their lives simply went belly up.

as far as living in the woods it does pose it's problems. taking a bath is a major one. if you don't have a tent is almost impossible to live in the woods, especially in the summer time. the bugs are brutal, and I'm talking about all the bugs. the night time animals can shock you when they wake you up sniffing you. most of the animals in north Florida really want harm you, but there is a few that will. there are panthers, bears, wild hogs, alligators, wild dogs, and some vicious snakes out there. these are you night time woes. the crap that you wind up doing in the daylight hours to survive can be heart breaking, and land a man behind bars.

i think that I've gotten too old to even try to live like this. I'm used to the comforts of ac, ice, refrigerators, and walls surrounding my bed. plus, my body has suffered some major malfunctions that will not allow me the skills that it takes to survive in an outside environment.

well,......................i guess that settles it. my next move will be to the mission. i just hope that i can become numb enough to the things around me, that i can stay in it for as long as it takes. the good Lord only knows how long that will take!!

how hard is this to believe.............

I've got a friend that was my buddy back in the 80's!! some of you are thinkin' bfd, because I've............., so yada, yada, yada!!
listen,..............this is me that we are talking about, and anybody that has lived my lifestyle, and moved around while doing it, is just lucky to have anybody from my hay-day that will still talk with me. although, i must admit that my hay-day was what separated us to begin with. i was a wild child with little control.
actually, she was my first love, and she will remain nameless in order to protect the innocent. i feel that she deserves that from me, because some people don't broadcast their lives over the Internet.

one of the reason that I've even mentioned her is the fact that i sent her this blog address the other day, and she wrote me back with a few questions, and a couple statements. i would like to address those comments in a general way, for all my readers to hear, and hopefully understand me better.

the reason that I'm so forthcoming about my life, past and present is simple. i feel like a blessed man to have survived my past at all, and the present is how i maintain it most days. ( I'm not sure why my life has taken this downward spiral like it has recently, but I'm sure when it's over it will be worth writing about.)
I'm the kind of man that has little fear. I've learned to be open, and honest about my life to remain this way. I've also learned to not take myself so seriously. as messed up as my life has been you can always find a few even worse than mine.
another thing is that i know who i am today, and I'm not trying to impress anybody to like me. i don't feel like hiding anything is going to give me advantage of most situations. i said most..............the job market is a cold cruel bitch, and the less that they know about me, the better off we both are. the first reason is that they really don't care about me at all. if they hire me it's because they feel like i can do them a service. if you happen to work for a person that really cares about you as a person, then you've really got something!! these relationships do happen, but it's few and far between.
one of the strangest reasons that i hold little back is very selfish, and self-centered. I'm proud of the transformation that my life has made so far. I've grown to like myself today, and if anybody wants to judge me on my past that is their right. i know who i am today, and I'm not afraid of my past. actually, i had to walk through my past to become who i am today.
don't even believe for a second that i don't have things that will never see the Internet, because i do. I've done a couple things that I'll never admit to under any situations. that's not totally true either, because I've had people in my life that I've trusted for me to tell these things to without fear of a wildfire spread.

i admitted my mental deficiencies to you, or most of them throughout my blog, so that might factor into why I'm so brutally honest. i really don't think that being honest will cause me to lose anything either..............O.M.G!!  ..............maybe that's why my life is falling apart right now!!!...........just joking............i know why I'm losing my ass right now, and it doesn't have anything to do with being honest. it has a lot to do with an injury, or getting old with an injury. it has a lot to do with an economy that really sucks right now. mostly, it has to do with my lack of preparation for times like these. i never really thought that i would live to be this old, so i haven't prepared!!

i knew that i would do it!!.................i always do it!!...................I've gotten off track.............again!!

I'm going to close this little diddy with one, or two more thoughts:             i like myself today, and as much as i wish everyone else would also, i just realize that's not going to happen. I've stopped trying to please people, by being what they would like for me to be. I've found it hard enough just to be who i really am.
truthfully, i didn't know who i really was for many years. then there came a time that i learned a new word. ...........what word changed my whole life?                  simply,.....................no!!

absolutely wonderful

dear sirs,

i am replying to your add posted on Craigslist for the labor job. i fully expect to work from before sun up until it's too dark to see any longer. i love to work all day in the Florida sunshine, and really don't require any breaks. i think that is is wonderful that you willing to give me so many hours without any benefits, and your right. if i was to get injured while I'm working for you in an unsafe environment then i deserve to be left behind to fend for myself. i really don't mind working for minimum wage either. that is unless you can figure out a way not to give me that much.
as your new prospective employee i am absolutely wonderful. i am exactly what your looking for as a employee. you required college for this position, and fortunately for me, i have required several p.h.d.'s, in various areas.
 yes, i do have my own vehicle to drive to where ever you might send me, and i will be willing to fill it with equipment, and enough men to complete the job to your satisfaction. seeing how it's my personal vehicle, you never have to worry about the ware and tare, or even about the gas that it consumes. i will be fully responsible for all the maintenance that it requires also. my driving record is impeccable. I've never even been pulled over or questioned.
my past criminal record is non-existent, simply because i have never done anything wrong, or made any mistakes. my credit report is perfect. i always pay my bills on time. i can take minimum wage pay, and live like a king while supporting my family to the highest level.
as my new employer you will be pleased about the way i look. I'm clean cut to your standards also. i rarely have a hair out of place. i shave every morning, and again on my lunch break. unless you require me to not take one. i have no tattoo's, and nothing is pierced on my body. i don't even have any scars on my body.

please, please, please, take me as your newest employee!! I'm on my knee's begging you, and my lips are puckered up, and heading to your ass!! if you will only hire me, I'll do anything that you require of me, immoral or not!!

( ever get a feeling that this is what most employers that advertise on Craigslist are looking for?)

waiting on my miracle.

hey y'all!!  do any of you believe in miracles? I'm talking about something that just comes out of the blue, right when you need it with no explanation of where it came from, or how it happened. well,............that's exactly what I'm waiting on in my life today.
I've done pretty much everything in my own power, and nothing has got any better. now i have to let loose of the rains, and let somebody else drive this buggy!!
i don't believe that miracles just happen by chance either. i don't believe they are a product of fate. i believe that a miracle is something great orchestrated by God Himself that comes at the time in which He plans for it to arrive, and not a minute sooner.
now,............I'm not silly enough to believe that i deserve another miracle in my life today. I've had far too many to even ask for one more, ........but i have. i believe with all my heart that i will get another one, and it will come at the right time, and in the right way.
i think that I'm asking, and expecting to receive something that just ain't gonna happen to cause me to stay in my home right now. i believe with all my heart that God is going to walk right beside me through all of this that's coming up in my life. however, i just know, or have this feeling in the bottom of my heart, that He will not let this house stand any longer. i hope that I'm wrong!!

i so want to stay here. i rode through the neighborhood today, and i noticed something different. well,.........i guess that it wasn't different at all. i just paid more attention to it than i usually do. most of the people who i rode by waved at me, and quite a few spoke. as i did my regular trips to the store, i realized that i was on a first name basis with most of them. if i really didn't know their names, there face was familiar, as was mine to them.
i really feel good about myself today, and living in this neighborhood. I'm comfortable around all my neighbors, and have no fear of crossing a path with anybody that I've done wrong. i know that I'm a much better man than i was when i first moved here. I've finally learned how to treat people, and to mind my own business without judging harshly.

living in this house has really become a burden, and still I'm not ready to give up on it. I've been hoping for the last year that it would go back to the way that it used to be, but it's looking less likely everyday. i need to accept what's in front of me, and man up to the madness at hand.
I'm not talking about just losing the house that I'm living in. I'm talking about losing everything in my life as I've known it for the past six years. I'm talking about leaving the biggest part that i own behind, as simply walking away, with uncertainty of the direction that I'm heading in. actually, I'm talking about starting over from scratch ........again. i never really thought that this day would come, and I'm not sure that i can handle it either.

my biggest problem is with God right now, and probably not the way that you think it is. i really don't have a big problem with what's going on in my life right now, and the fact that He is letting it happen. my problem is that i have this great fear that I'm going to change the way that i look at Him.
God has been, and i surely hope to continue being my ultimate hero in life!! I've not always respected Him in the way that i should, and i know this, from the bottom of my heart, and past experience. I've even turned my back on him while cursing Him, and that's my greatest fear right now!!  that will be the worst mistake that i can ever do .............again.
you see,..............my faith is growing weaker with each day that passes. i can't imagine what it will be like the last time that i walk out my front door. i know that i should walk boldly away, and accept what He has planned for me. a part of me actually knows in the deepest regions of my heart that it will be better than what I've experience so far. on the other hand, i know me far too well, and I'm going to lose all control!!

shit or go blind?  ever heard that statement?  well,............right now i fell like I'm blind, and shitting like a goose!!                   i guess the good thing is that in the next two, or three days that it will be all over,...............and my newest adventure will begin,...............whether i want it to or not.

signs?

hey y'all.................do you believe in signs? I'm talking about things that happen for a reason to point you in the direction that you supposed to be going. I'm pretty sure that I've had ample time, through the signs, to move out of the house that i live in, and have lived in for the last six years.

the house that i live in right now has a lot of different factors that contribute to the success of it. we pay a premium rent, and our monthly bills run very steep. we have room for eight people to live in this house, because it really large. it really takes that amount of folks living here to afford the comforts that I've grown used to having, and to have money left over for other things.

the strange thing is that i should have be seeing the signs that the house was going to dissolve, and i guess that i did see it coming. it's been going on for over a year now, but i kept the faith that everything would work out. I'm at the point now that nothing is going to work out, and i have given up on this house standing any longer.
for about a year now, i didn't, and haven't known from one month to the next if i would have a home to live in. we have had to change a lot of things this past year, as far as the comforts that we live in. that has been alright though, because we've not really dipped too far below the standards that we have become accustom to living with.

however, it appears that drugs have become the custom of my home. cocaine, or might i say crack is destroying this house. we only have five people that lives here right now, and i am in trouble myself. I've not worked since January, and i can't find any help with rental assistance. we have two residents that love smoking crack more than they love living here, and one that just don't realize the importance of paying his bills.
we owe way too much money to ever recover from this. we owe two electric bills which amount to around 1000 dollars, and were just 15 days from the rent being due again. the grass in the yard is about a foot high, because the lawnmower blew up a few weeks ago, and can't afford to buy even a used one. basically, we are screwed!!

OK,..............there is no reason for me to bitch too much. i can't pay my rent also. it really doesn't make a difference why that i can't, because the bottom line is that i can't. i have however tried with all my might, but i have failed miserably. the truth is that I've had some great times living in this house, but it is coming to an end, and quickly. if i can't afford to live here then i can't afford to live any other place either.

my plan:  my plan is kinda simple. I'm going to pack a couple bags with what i think that i will need to survive, and just crawl on my bike, and ride away. I'm really hoping to stay in a mission until i can get my settlement from disability, but i know how unlikely those chances are going to be. not because they wouldn't allow me to, but because i don't think that i can give up my freedom for that long.
i am a proud man!! i don't think that i could just sit there that long at the mercy of everybody that crosses my path. actually, i would rather be dead!! my whole life will change drastically, and i will have nobody that I've cared about still in it, so i figure that i would welcome death.
i love living, and I'm not suicidal, but I'm not sure that i can handle what's heading my direction. life has to mean a little bit more than just basic survival to keep me interested in it. i can't imagine surviving what's  layed out in front of me yet to come.

honestly,...............i feel that I've put up a good fight. i honestly believe that I've done everything thing that i could do to stop it. I've gave it my best shot, and i have failed,................or have i?
at least i feel like i have, but maybe everything is right on tract the way it is supposed to go. no matter if this is part of the master plan for my life or not. I'm still pissed about it. I'm terrible hurt over it, and i don't think that it's right by a long shot!!
i'm angry, and i'm through talking about this tonight!!!

life is good!!

no,...............nothing has changed in my life today. if anything, it's got worse. the stone cold truth though is life is good no matter how bad it can seem at times. i believe this is what i call the illusion of confusion, and i am the self-proclaimed master of dealing with it!!
the really sad truth is that I'm deceiving myself,...........maybe.                    i believe that everyone of us deals with the same things in this life, but not all of us deal with it at the same time. actually, the only thing any different about me, and the rest of the people in this world is the fact that i write about it.
i have no fear of telling the world what I'm going through at the moment, and what I've already passed through. I'm thinking that each of us eventually become the hero's of our own stories in life, if we just sit back for a moment, and look at it honestly.

we are all born the same way,...............naked, and without anything what-so-ever!! the really good thing is that some of us were born into great families, and realize that early. we quickly take full advantage of this, and it effects the way we turn out...................but,......................does it really?
we never know but so much about a person, and that's exactly what they are willing to share with us. we all have secrets of our life well hidden. we only tell each other what we want them to know about ourselves.
sometimes the rich and famous let things that they really don't want to share loose, because of their lifestyle, and the simple event of getting caught in action.

my life has meant something to me. even though I've really screwed the biggest part of it up by my own bad decisions. if i could go back, and re-live it, knowing what i know now,..................would i really change a thing?           i could avoid a lot of pain if i did, but what would disappear along with that pain, and would a different type of pain appear in the absence of the pain that I've suffered? would just changing one thing cause catastrophic changes all across my entire life?

fortunate for me I'll never know the answers to those questions. i am well satisfied that my life has turned out, and will continue to turn out, as it was meant to be for me. i believe that so far I've crossed paths with everyone that i was supposed to interact with, in the way, and time that should have been. I'm not saying that I'm happy with everything that has been so far, but i am saying that it had to happen to make me who i am today.
I've had some really bad times in my life, and I've had some really great times in my life. I've shared love, and i believe it to be true love with some great people in my life. I'm talking about love shared with family, friends, and lovers. each one of these people have changed me in some kinda way, and for this i will ever be eternally grateful!!
isn't the love that we share with each other turn out to be the most important aspect at the end of our lives? who really thinks about anything else on our death beds? does that gold watch even enter our minds after 20-40 years of service to a company when it's all over? are we really upset about the bills that we haven't paid yet when were staring death square in the eyes?  what really matters to us then should matter to us all through this journey that we call life!!

i love music, and i love all kinds!! most of the music that I've ever listened to has something to do with love. most of the poetry ever written is about love also. it would be hard to read a book that was written without a love story concealed within it's pages. all the major plays ever written have some type of love story involved.

I'm not sure why I'm writing this, but i think it must be important to me. maybe i just want to let those that are in my life right now, and have been in my life in the past know that i truly love them. it don't really matter what separated us, if we have become separated. i still love each and everyone of you simply because you have made me what i am today!! the good, the bad, and the ugly of it!!

now,.........here is the big question:  do i think that my life is almost over, and why am i writing this?

the answer:  no, i surely don't think that it's over, but i know that I'm fixing to go through some major changes.........again. the reason that I'm writing this is just to reflect on what's really important in my life, and always has been, even when i didn't recognize it as being the only thing that should have mattered all along. I've been foolish, and if i can stop just one person from making the same mistakes that I've made, then it has to be worth it. I've thrown way too much of my life away from silliness, or was that just the way that it was supposed to be?  who really knows, but..........................

it's been 5 days...............

I've probably tried to write this at least two, or three times a day for the last five days. I've never completed it because I've been suffering from anger, almost to the point of rage.  i used to have severe anger issues, and i know when I'm in that way that it's best to not even speak, little lone write.

most people that know me personally know that i injured my back in January this year. I've not worked a day since that, and i have no income at all. I've sold everything that i had of any value, except my bicycle to pay my rent, and for basic necessities. after that money ran out I've been going to charitable organizations to get help with my rent. because i have no income i qualified for food stamps, and free medical from a Shands card.
going from a man that works for his living to this creature that I've become has had a serious toll on every fiber of my being. i have been drained of all the good that once was inside of me. to say the least, I've been drained physically, Spiritually, and emotionally. ( does emotional also cover the complete mental aspect of it all?) i have little left inside. I'm quickly becoming a shell of the man that i used to be.
the Good Lord knows that I'm writing this to get any pity, or sympathy from anybody, because it want change anything in anyway. i feel certain that I'm on a path of complete destruction, and there is nothing short of God Himself that can stop this snowball effect that has been set into motion.

this has been a pretty tough year on me. I've suffered one heartbreak after the next. it started out with losing my job which led to losing my mentality of being a man. I've lost people that i loved, and valued greatly as my closest friend, for reasons that i don't even understand, because this person just vanished from my life without a word. I've lost my financial freedom, and the freedom to make most choices.

anyway,.................it only took Shands five months to tell me what the problem is with my back. i have degenerative bone disease of my spine, which simply means that my bone is decaying faster than it can regenerate itself. i also have arthritis in my lumbar area. ( lower back ) i also have one bulging disc at this time.
when the Dr. first told me all this i became very numb, but i didn't realize it at the time. he just kept looking at me strange, and asking if i had any questions. i just said,........no. it never did sink in until on the bus ride home, and i couldn't felt any worse if he had of said cancer.
the best that i can tell there is no up side to this diagnosis. sounds to me that i will crippled one day, and at the rate that I'm going now, i can't see it taking long.

i guess if there is anything good about this is the fact that i qualify for disability now,....................but is that really a good thing?  it could take up to a couple years to get it, and i can't work at all during this time.  how am i going to maintain any type of lifestyle until then? right now the entire city of Jacksonville has no funding to help with rental assistance, and I'm behind right now.
I've got two choices the way that i see it. either i find a job in this screwed up economy, and work while enduring great pain if i can even do that. I'm not sure if i could even work at all taking the kind of narcotics that would numb this kind of pain. my back is so screwed up, and since it is my spine it effects every bone that is connected to it. all the way down my legs, and up until my shoulders and neck.
as bad as this sounds, my other alternative seems to be just as bad, if not worse. i could pack a couple bags of clothes, and simply leave everything else behind, and check myself into the mission until my settlement comes through. does anybody know what the ramifications of this action would mean to me?
it would cause total devastation of my already wrecked life!! i would lose every freedom that i still have except the freedom to breathe. if i think that my choices are limited right now...........i would have less than i ever thought possible.
i have walked away from everything before, and i still give myself a stiff kick in the ass whenever i think about it. there is no way to keep all those things that we consider of personal value. you know,..........all the stuff that most folks would consider to be trash.  how do you choose what you try to carry, and what you leave? i probably have a backpack full of things that i just need to use every now and then, but i know if i don't take them that i will need them eventually.  how do you choose?

i guess once you read this Lil' bit that you can understand why I've had such anger and hurt. this whole year has just bled over from the end of the last year. I'm beginning to wonder if there will be an end to this madness, or is it simply just another illusion of confusion?....................feels pretty real to me!!

after all this time.............

hey y'all!! after all these days I've got something to say.........................

not really!!                    i just want you to know that I'm still alive.

I've got some serious issues going on right now, with nobody to talk with about it, so i need to be thinkin' a whole lot about it.

I'm sure that everything will work out perfectly, as it always does. this is complicated, and i must make some right decisions, because it is vital that i do. my entire future rest upon this right decisions, and i need some time to come up with the solution for the rest of my life.

i really don't mean to sound like a drama queen, but what is in front of me is probably the most important decision(s), that I've made in a while.  please understand the urgency in what I'm doing right now.

no matter what happens...................I'm still gonna love, and I'm still gonna live!! I'm going to do these things until my last breath!! I've got no choice.

i want to say that i do love all you that read this, and I'll be back soon.

Happy 4TH of July!!!!!

I'm not sure how you feel about living in the greatest free nation in the world, but i feel like i was blessed just to have the chance!!  this nation under God is the best thing that could have ever happened to me. i love this nation with all my heart. i never have served in the military, but everyone that has served are my hero's, and need to be lifted up today for their service.

let's have a good ole southern redneck,...................yawhoo!!................for the men, and women that made this all possible...............................YAW-HOO!!!

Freedom didn't come free, it cost something. the price was only the blood of those that knew that they were paving the way for a whole new crowd of folks. they fought, and gave their lives to establish our freedoms would be set in place.

i wonder if the fact that they gave their lives to insure our freedom would have mattered as much to them, if they knew what we were gonna do with it? i often wonder what has happened to the land of the free, and the home of the brave? did it we forget how hard it was to establish the freedom that we all have today? because of the sacrifice of many, i can post my next pic, without any fear of somebody busting my door down, and executing me.

maybe i need to wait on this pic. it's really not that racy. it's just the fact that i like it, and it makes me feel like an American............there it goes. I'm having trouble putting them where i want them to be.

we live in the best country in the world!! we have so many freedoms that most countries don't allow. we have the freedom of speech, and the freedom of the press. we have freedom of religion. that was why this country was founded to begin with. we have the right to bear arms, and several other rights well worth the mention.