even homeless i still really like the man that i've become. there is a lot of things in my life right now that i don't really care for, but overall i'm content. see i know the exact reason that i'm in this shape. i've tried to blame it on all kinds of things like the economy, my back, no job, etc... all those reasons seem to work, and they line up with my story, but that's not the real truth. i've known the real truth for a long time now, and i didn't really have to go through all this madness. i choose to be right where that i am today, because of my disobedience. i made a choice a while back to go down the wrong path. a dark path with no light on it. a dark path with all different kinds of things to stumble upon, and i did bruise my feet with every stumble that i made.
being homeless gives a man a lot of time to think and dream. most people think that their problem is money, or the lack of it. some think that it's a home, or a job, or some other material thing. well,..........i know what is my overall solution that would cover all these bases, or the essentials of life. the kinda stuff that everybody needs in their life to be happy, or to feel like a complete human being. do you ever feel that something really important is missing in your life? do you ever feel that your not a whole human being?
i told y'all that i was going to write on the city rescue mission, and i am. it's called the new life inn. i really like that name because it represents a chance for a new life to begin. like trinity, the new life inn has a Jesus program itself. the difference in the program at new life, and trinity is daylight and dark. you can actually feel the power of God flowing through out the mission.
tuesday was the first time that i stayed at new life in 12-15 years. i stayed one night in new life, and was completely miserable. i vowed to never stay again, and until this past tuesday i realized that i had been cheated out of a great thing. something has changed inside of new life. God Almighty had taken up residence there!!
tuesday was complete madness as i went to check in. people were yelling, and screaming, and nudging each other to get a great spot in the line. however, something more powerful caught my attention. it was the guys in the program. the had a certain calmness about them. they didn't let the irritable ones still their peace, and i was become jealous. i new that they had a true heart full of Jesus, and i was sitting there feeling left out that i didn't have that same relationship going on. i knew that deep in my heart that i was supposed to have it, and did at one time have it, before i choose to walk down that dark path.
the next thing that happened was i was given the option to shower. of coarse i took it. i never turn down a chance to get myself clean. the showers were very clean, and didn't have a foul oder about them. they had great pressure, and really warm water. the most impressive thing was that there was no time keeper yelling at you to hurry up. you could stay in those showers as long as it took to get yourself clean.
the next thing came was the dinner meal. this was a well thought out nutricious meal. the hot foods were hot, and the cold foods were cold. that night we had turkey breast with gravy, mac and cheese, and green beans. we also had a cucumber salad, and a bowl of fruit. on every table there was a fresh loaf of bread. all this and the desert that you chose, and a glass of kool-aid. this is a typical meal that they serve nightly at the new life inn.
after dinner that took us upstairs to rest before the chapel service. it was a large dorm area with bunk beds in it. the beds were already made up. i found mine, and layed down on it, and it was so comfortable that i dozed off. everything in that dorm was very clean including the bathroom.
next we went down stairs to attend a chapel service. that's where all the program guys were. that's the first time that i got to see them as a whole. you can tell that the power of God was alive and well in the chapel services, and the men in the program. all the program guy were excited about God. once more i found that i was growing very envious about what they had, and i didn't. i knew that i was supposed to feel that way, but i had chose another path.
after the service we went back up to the beds to retire for the night. i lay my head down, and i was woken up at 5:30 the next morning. i had rested so well that night, because i had felt that i was in a safe place, and once again under the umbrella of God's protection. at six we had a breakfast of oatmeal, and a boiled egg. every morning they serve something the least being cereal, and a warm pastry.
yes,................you can probably tell that i was very impressed with the new life inn. they made me feel like i was welcome, and very much appreciated just being there. the love of God just wreaks out from everything that they do. the way that the men in the program talks to everyone shows me that God is in that place transforming Himself throughout each man's life.
i know that satan has been trying to keep me away from the new life inn, and had done it for a while. he knew better that to let me get around a place where God is welcome. anywhere that God is welcome i tend to feel right at home in that place. this is the way that i should be feeling, because i'm a child of God.
this is why i'm in the shape that i'm in right now. i had gotten off track, and took the wrong road. i started sinning really big time, and tried to justify it in my mind. my heart knew better all along. i felt the power of conviction, but tried to down play it. i was running from the only One that could give me what i needed in life to feel like i was complete, and that was Jesus.
Jesus loved me so much that He allowed me to waller in all the sin that i wanted. after all He knew that my heart belonged to Him, and i could never be happy without His presence in my life. Jesus knew that he was the only true source for happiness in my life, and when i had suffered all the misery that i could stand that i would come running back into His graces.
just hearing the name of Jesus excites me. it causes good feelings to go through my Spirit. my body has an reaction every time i hear that name. i know that in Jesus i'm safe. i have a peace, and a comfort that exist in Jesus like no other place. Jesus is where i really belong, and if i'm found in any other place i surely have wandered off again.
i'm thinking, and praying about joining that program in the new life inn. i'm really liking what i'm seeing, and feeling with that program. i don't belong out here in these streets. the happiest time in my life was when i'm connected with my Lord, and doing some kind of service work to the betterment of the human race. i have a calling on my life, and i have known that for a while now. i won't never be content with my life until i follow my calling.
if for some reason i just seem to disappear for a while, it's because i've decided to join the human race once again, and start enjoying life once more. i know what i need to be truly happy, and i'm going for it!!
www.billofrights.org
Thursday, September 30, 2010
geeze louise......
what a morning so far. if i were to right a book about the things that i see out here on the streets they would publish it under fiction. nobody would believe this craziness out here even exist.
for the last couple mornings i have had a fire burning inside of me to write. i told all y'all that i had something to say, and i want to say it. i'm not an activist, or anything like that, but there is so much wrong in the world today, and my plan is to point it out. do i think that pointing fingers at the guilty will change anything? well,..........probably not, but it could make a difference. after all i'm putting it out there for the whole world to see. if only one person that has power reads this, and wants to change things, then i say that we have a great shot!!
is there anybody with any power that has not been corrupted by the almighty dollar? that's what all this boils down to is currency. the rich keep getting richer, and the middle class is being forced down into the lower class in our society today. anyway,............that's all i have to say about that right now, but i reserve the right to come back to it anytime that i choose.
thank God that i don't drink anymore. from a bird eye prospective on the street level i have to say that alcohol consumption on the streets is getting more people in trouble than anything else. i certainly have enough problems right now that i don't need to celebrate with a cold one. the problem has got so large that the police are writing citations in Lu of sending them to jail. although, if you are stupid enough to smart off to them they will haul you downtown, and send you to the pea farm to get a haircut.
i know that the police have a lot of trouble with the homeless. there are so many of them. we tend to pretty much hang in one local area which is the downtown area. we are not hard to spot. were usually carrying one or two overstuffed bags with whats left of our lives. most people start out with more, but miles of daily travel has forced them to downsize. everyone of us has a different story to tell. although, most people stories are locked up tight in their minds. i'm a different breed. i realize that if i don't tell my story that i stand a good chance of being invited to a rubber pajama party. i've been invited before, and they party crazy. so much that i don't need to return.
being homeless is a 24 hour job, and most of the laws in place will be broken by default. you are always in need of something. sometimes it's just a place to sit, and rest until you continue on your journey. do you want to hear something crazy that i did today?
i'm an aging man with a lot of health problems. i have a real problem with my back and hip. it causes me to limp, and i need to sit down every couple blocks that i walk. i was walking this morning and needed to take a rest. i saw a police car sitting in a parking lot beside a wall that had been built up. i seriously thought that the wall would be a good place to rest about five minutes, and continue on. i had been sitting there two minutes when the cop in the car started blowing his horn like he was possessed or something, and started waving me away. i learned a few years ago to pick and choose my battle, and the only way both of us was going to be happy was if i just walked off. i knew any word of rebellion that would come out of my mouth would wind up making me miserable, so i just limped away.
when a man has fallen so far down the ladder of life that he simply can't work how does he make it? in today's failing economy if you don't have a job then your pretty much screwed. i know folks with homes that can't find a job. they are clean, and healthy looking. so what the homeless man supposed to do? if a police sees you begging he will lock you up. it takes a lot to ask a person that you don't even know to help you out with food or money. you risk your life every time you approach a person to beg from them. people are flipped out now a days, and many of them carry guns.
i've not reached the point that i'm begging so far. i hate to look people in the eye, and ask for help. it really makes me feel like a lowlife to not be able to work, and support myself. most of my life i've had a job, a home, and responsibilities, and now that i don't i still find that i have too much pride to beg. even though, i've always been a good one to help when i was asked. most people don't help because of what they think that a person might buy with their help. the don't want a bum spending their money on beer, smokes, or anything that they don't approve of.
you can't dictate what a person buys with your money that you give to them. just give with a cheerful heart, and know what ever they buy it's because they need it. sometimes a true alcoholic need a beer to say alive. if they smoke they probably need a smoke to calm their nerves. ever though about how the homeless get toiletries? well,.........if that can't steal them, they must pay for them. a lot of stuff that most people take for granite is an luxury item to a homeless person.
everything is not a tragedy on the streets. sometimes things can get pretty comical if you look for them. this morning i saw an older totally whacked out white lady, with her arm in a sling. she was yelling and cussing at her black boyfriend. she had to been mental with all that she was saying. she keep saying that she was going to call the law, and put him in jail. she said a lot of different reasons, but one stood out. she said that he was going to jail because he f**ked her head up.
i laughed out loud on that one thinking if that poor boy done all that to her that i was hearing, then he needed to go to jail for life!! that girl was crazy as a Bessie bug, and the only reason that man was with her had to be because she got a crazy check. i don't understand how he could tolerate that all month long for a few dollars? it would make me as crazy as she was.
i've wrote enough for now. i need to walk outside , and stretch my legs a bit. it has stopped raining for a while now, but i bet it's not over by a long shot.
for the last couple mornings i have had a fire burning inside of me to write. i told all y'all that i had something to say, and i want to say it. i'm not an activist, or anything like that, but there is so much wrong in the world today, and my plan is to point it out. do i think that pointing fingers at the guilty will change anything? well,..........probably not, but it could make a difference. after all i'm putting it out there for the whole world to see. if only one person that has power reads this, and wants to change things, then i say that we have a great shot!!
is there anybody with any power that has not been corrupted by the almighty dollar? that's what all this boils down to is currency. the rich keep getting richer, and the middle class is being forced down into the lower class in our society today. anyway,............that's all i have to say about that right now, but i reserve the right to come back to it anytime that i choose.
thank God that i don't drink anymore. from a bird eye prospective on the street level i have to say that alcohol consumption on the streets is getting more people in trouble than anything else. i certainly have enough problems right now that i don't need to celebrate with a cold one. the problem has got so large that the police are writing citations in Lu of sending them to jail. although, if you are stupid enough to smart off to them they will haul you downtown, and send you to the pea farm to get a haircut.
i know that the police have a lot of trouble with the homeless. there are so many of them. we tend to pretty much hang in one local area which is the downtown area. we are not hard to spot. were usually carrying one or two overstuffed bags with whats left of our lives. most people start out with more, but miles of daily travel has forced them to downsize. everyone of us has a different story to tell. although, most people stories are locked up tight in their minds. i'm a different breed. i realize that if i don't tell my story that i stand a good chance of being invited to a rubber pajama party. i've been invited before, and they party crazy. so much that i don't need to return.
being homeless is a 24 hour job, and most of the laws in place will be broken by default. you are always in need of something. sometimes it's just a place to sit, and rest until you continue on your journey. do you want to hear something crazy that i did today?
i'm an aging man with a lot of health problems. i have a real problem with my back and hip. it causes me to limp, and i need to sit down every couple blocks that i walk. i was walking this morning and needed to take a rest. i saw a police car sitting in a parking lot beside a wall that had been built up. i seriously thought that the wall would be a good place to rest about five minutes, and continue on. i had been sitting there two minutes when the cop in the car started blowing his horn like he was possessed or something, and started waving me away. i learned a few years ago to pick and choose my battle, and the only way both of us was going to be happy was if i just walked off. i knew any word of rebellion that would come out of my mouth would wind up making me miserable, so i just limped away.
when a man has fallen so far down the ladder of life that he simply can't work how does he make it? in today's failing economy if you don't have a job then your pretty much screwed. i know folks with homes that can't find a job. they are clean, and healthy looking. so what the homeless man supposed to do? if a police sees you begging he will lock you up. it takes a lot to ask a person that you don't even know to help you out with food or money. you risk your life every time you approach a person to beg from them. people are flipped out now a days, and many of them carry guns.
i've not reached the point that i'm begging so far. i hate to look people in the eye, and ask for help. it really makes me feel like a lowlife to not be able to work, and support myself. most of my life i've had a job, a home, and responsibilities, and now that i don't i still find that i have too much pride to beg. even though, i've always been a good one to help when i was asked. most people don't help because of what they think that a person might buy with their help. the don't want a bum spending their money on beer, smokes, or anything that they don't approve of.
you can't dictate what a person buys with your money that you give to them. just give with a cheerful heart, and know what ever they buy it's because they need it. sometimes a true alcoholic need a beer to say alive. if they smoke they probably need a smoke to calm their nerves. ever though about how the homeless get toiletries? well,.........if that can't steal them, they must pay for them. a lot of stuff that most people take for granite is an luxury item to a homeless person.
everything is not a tragedy on the streets. sometimes things can get pretty comical if you look for them. this morning i saw an older totally whacked out white lady, with her arm in a sling. she was yelling and cussing at her black boyfriend. she had to been mental with all that she was saying. she keep saying that she was going to call the law, and put him in jail. she said a lot of different reasons, but one stood out. she said that he was going to jail because he f**ked her head up.
i laughed out loud on that one thinking if that poor boy done all that to her that i was hearing, then he needed to go to jail for life!! that girl was crazy as a Bessie bug, and the only reason that man was with her had to be because she got a crazy check. i don't understand how he could tolerate that all month long for a few dollars? it would make me as crazy as she was.
i've wrote enough for now. i need to walk outside , and stretch my legs a bit. it has stopped raining for a while now, but i bet it's not over by a long shot.
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
mission report
i bet that y'all wont believe what i'm fixin' to do now? yep,................that's right,.......................i'm going to do a report on the missions here in jax like they do with the big hotel chains. just like travelers are particular about what they spend their money on, and the amenities that they get, so are the homeless, but with a different twist.
because the homeless have little money, if they have any at all, they are not looking for amenities like a large swimming pool, or a great weight room. deep inside every homeless person there is something hidden away, but we all have it, no matter how gruff we seem. it's called a heart. it works the same as any heart does in normal people with exception that the hearts of the homeless have been made more tender than some others, because of the cards that they have been dealt in life.
the highest quality effect that we look for in a place to stay is the fact that they seem to want us there. how much joy the residents have, and how far they extend it to others, and each other.
the quality of food has a major bearing on our overall view of a place. does the food look appetizing? is it portioned for a man? is the hot food hot, and the cold food cold? am i offered more than water to drink, and does it have ice in it? is this a nutritious meal, or just something thrown on a plate? do i have all i need to enjoy this meal with including a napkin?
contrary to what most people believe the homeless are not happy as a pig in the mud. most of us had really rather be clean than smelling like a goat. showers are very important to most of us, and the chance to swap in clothes is greatly accepted. most of us feel better when we are clean, and the quality of the shower is very important. is the area that we are supposed to get cleaned up in, clean itself?
the bed is important to us also. how does it look, and smell? is the room around this bed clean? are the floors and walls clean? does this room look like someone cares about it?
we judge from a lot of different angles. christian or not, were concerned when somebody cares about our soul. we concerned if they think enough of us to supply edible food for our morning meal, and we are concerned how they send us off on our days journey.
now there is not but three missions here in town. they are the Salvation Army, Trinity rescue mission, and the city rescue mission also know as the new life inn. in a city with so many homeless people this is not near enough to help all those that are in need, and everybody that is homeless has needs that are not being met.
Salvation Army
the salvation army has changed over the past few years. the used to help the homeless with over night lodging, but now the concentrate more on helping to house the criminal. it good that somebody is housing the criminal population, but i really believe more impasis should go back on the homeless. i know that there is more profit in dealing with the criminal aspect, but has it really become an issue of money? has the S.A. sold out the common man for a few dollars? are the really "doing the most good?"
i've heard reports of a couple people staying over night, but it's few and far between those that stand in line to get in. the are still good for an evening meal every night though.
Trinity Rescue Mission
back in my former days of being homeless, trinity was the bomb baby. 10-12 years ago there was no place better to stay, and nobody has a better program to offer either. the food was all fresh cooked, and it would have been hard to find a better Sunday lunch in a restaurant than they were serving at the mission.
well,.............it really pains me to say this, but those folks at trinity are just worn out. nothing is the same as it was. they don't really care about people like they once did. this is evident any where that you look. let's take a brief walk through.
you check in five at a time. then you head straight to the showers, after you swap out clothes if the have any. there are six showers going with a piece of a bar of soap in each. you have five minutes to shower if your lucky. after all there is a guy keeping time on you that really can't tell time. he is constantly yelling at you to hurry up.the showers are a mess. the tile is all cracked up with tiles missing and mildew growing on it.
the next thing you do is attend a chapel service at six- thirty. this service can last forever. it depends on who is running it, and how long winded that they are.
then after you endure all that it's finally time to eat, and you line up waiting to get fed. it takes forever to get a plate, because the is only one or two men serving the meal. when you finally get you meal it's not hard to realize that it's all re-heated donated food. nothing is cooked fresh. everything is a donation. the main coarse almost every night is re-heated k.f.c., or pizza. all the hot foods are cold, and all the cold foods are warm. usually, if there is any bread to eat it's tuff or stale.
the beds aren't that bad unless you get one of the wooden ones with bed bugs. yep,..............that's right,..........i did say bed bugs. unfortunately, i got one, and woke up bitten from head to toe. i'm serious when i say that. i had to get cream from a Dr., and it took me three days to get rid of them.
the only other down fall is that the get you up at 4:15, and back on the streets you go. you can stop by a table in the hall, and grasp something sweet and stale to start your day with. if your lucky enough to get a cup, then you can have some juice.
the whole deal with Trinity is to get men to come to Jesus. the have a program in place that should start a man on the right foot headed toward Jesus. the program is a complete failure in my opinion though. it's more structured around work than God. most of the men get up around five, and don't go to bed until around ten at night. they are always doing something, but most of the day consist of work. you have an hour Bible study in the morning, and an hour class in the afternoon, and then there's the nightly chapel service. of that normal 16-18 hour day, only three hours goes to Jesus.
the men are irritable from lack of sufficient rest, and not getting the right nutrition that they need. they have little contact with the rest of the world. the only time they get to go outside is when they have free time if that ever happens, or doing the yard detail in the mornings.
the whole program is run by a militant czar who thinks he is Jesus. his name is mickey, and he respects nobody else's opinion that don't line up with his. any act of insubordination as he sees it will not be tolerated, and the results are leaving the program, or starting over. mickey steeped out of the slums of alcohol and cocaine to rise the top of control of the mission.
i wonder why he is still in charge? i've been to trinity baptist church a few times, and they are pretty upscale. the have a full choir with live musicians. the whole crowd seems to love the Lord, and it just wreaks from them. you can feel the power of God sweeping through out the entire building. it's such a warm, and peaceful feeling to know that you're in the presence of God.
i can remember feeling that presence in the mission before, back when Bro. Gene had control. he was a true man of God. his mission was people. he loved people, and wanted the best for them. now, it's hard to feel anything at trinity other than depression and fear.
i wonder if the church really knows what is going on at the mission? if i were to make a bet i would say probably not. the same Jesus that attends trinity church is not the same one represented at the mission. the one at the mission rules with fear, and is too cheap to buy napkins. the mission Jesus feeds with stale leftover food. i wonder when He feed that 5000 if the bread was stale, and the fish old? maybe it was like the water that he made into wine, it was of an excellent quality. i know that it wasn't like mad dog!!
trinity needs to step up to the plate on their representation of Jesus. nobody want to serve a busted down, broke God. why represent something that's not true. Jesus owns the whole universe, and He is not broke!!
i will tell about the city rescue mission tomorrow. i need to stay there once more before i form a concrete opinion on their hopitality. as far as i can tell from where i stand right now they are a five star mission, because they care,and aren't afraid to show it.
because the homeless have little money, if they have any at all, they are not looking for amenities like a large swimming pool, or a great weight room. deep inside every homeless person there is something hidden away, but we all have it, no matter how gruff we seem. it's called a heart. it works the same as any heart does in normal people with exception that the hearts of the homeless have been made more tender than some others, because of the cards that they have been dealt in life.
the highest quality effect that we look for in a place to stay is the fact that they seem to want us there. how much joy the residents have, and how far they extend it to others, and each other.
the quality of food has a major bearing on our overall view of a place. does the food look appetizing? is it portioned for a man? is the hot food hot, and the cold food cold? am i offered more than water to drink, and does it have ice in it? is this a nutritious meal, or just something thrown on a plate? do i have all i need to enjoy this meal with including a napkin?
contrary to what most people believe the homeless are not happy as a pig in the mud. most of us had really rather be clean than smelling like a goat. showers are very important to most of us, and the chance to swap in clothes is greatly accepted. most of us feel better when we are clean, and the quality of the shower is very important. is the area that we are supposed to get cleaned up in, clean itself?
the bed is important to us also. how does it look, and smell? is the room around this bed clean? are the floors and walls clean? does this room look like someone cares about it?
we judge from a lot of different angles. christian or not, were concerned when somebody cares about our soul. we concerned if they think enough of us to supply edible food for our morning meal, and we are concerned how they send us off on our days journey.
now there is not but three missions here in town. they are the Salvation Army, Trinity rescue mission, and the city rescue mission also know as the new life inn. in a city with so many homeless people this is not near enough to help all those that are in need, and everybody that is homeless has needs that are not being met.
Salvation Army
the salvation army has changed over the past few years. the used to help the homeless with over night lodging, but now the concentrate more on helping to house the criminal. it good that somebody is housing the criminal population, but i really believe more impasis should go back on the homeless. i know that there is more profit in dealing with the criminal aspect, but has it really become an issue of money? has the S.A. sold out the common man for a few dollars? are the really "doing the most good?"
i've heard reports of a couple people staying over night, but it's few and far between those that stand in line to get in. the are still good for an evening meal every night though.
Trinity Rescue Mission
back in my former days of being homeless, trinity was the bomb baby. 10-12 years ago there was no place better to stay, and nobody has a better program to offer either. the food was all fresh cooked, and it would have been hard to find a better Sunday lunch in a restaurant than they were serving at the mission.
well,.............it really pains me to say this, but those folks at trinity are just worn out. nothing is the same as it was. they don't really care about people like they once did. this is evident any where that you look. let's take a brief walk through.
you check in five at a time. then you head straight to the showers, after you swap out clothes if the have any. there are six showers going with a piece of a bar of soap in each. you have five minutes to shower if your lucky. after all there is a guy keeping time on you that really can't tell time. he is constantly yelling at you to hurry up.the showers are a mess. the tile is all cracked up with tiles missing and mildew growing on it.
the next thing you do is attend a chapel service at six- thirty. this service can last forever. it depends on who is running it, and how long winded that they are.
then after you endure all that it's finally time to eat, and you line up waiting to get fed. it takes forever to get a plate, because the is only one or two men serving the meal. when you finally get you meal it's not hard to realize that it's all re-heated donated food. nothing is cooked fresh. everything is a donation. the main coarse almost every night is re-heated k.f.c., or pizza. all the hot foods are cold, and all the cold foods are warm. usually, if there is any bread to eat it's tuff or stale.
the beds aren't that bad unless you get one of the wooden ones with bed bugs. yep,..............that's right,..........i did say bed bugs. unfortunately, i got one, and woke up bitten from head to toe. i'm serious when i say that. i had to get cream from a Dr., and it took me three days to get rid of them.
the only other down fall is that the get you up at 4:15, and back on the streets you go. you can stop by a table in the hall, and grasp something sweet and stale to start your day with. if your lucky enough to get a cup, then you can have some juice.
the whole deal with Trinity is to get men to come to Jesus. the have a program in place that should start a man on the right foot headed toward Jesus. the program is a complete failure in my opinion though. it's more structured around work than God. most of the men get up around five, and don't go to bed until around ten at night. they are always doing something, but most of the day consist of work. you have an hour Bible study in the morning, and an hour class in the afternoon, and then there's the nightly chapel service. of that normal 16-18 hour day, only three hours goes to Jesus.
the men are irritable from lack of sufficient rest, and not getting the right nutrition that they need. they have little contact with the rest of the world. the only time they get to go outside is when they have free time if that ever happens, or doing the yard detail in the mornings.
the whole program is run by a militant czar who thinks he is Jesus. his name is mickey, and he respects nobody else's opinion that don't line up with his. any act of insubordination as he sees it will not be tolerated, and the results are leaving the program, or starting over. mickey steeped out of the slums of alcohol and cocaine to rise the top of control of the mission.
i wonder why he is still in charge? i've been to trinity baptist church a few times, and they are pretty upscale. the have a full choir with live musicians. the whole crowd seems to love the Lord, and it just wreaks from them. you can feel the power of God sweeping through out the entire building. it's such a warm, and peaceful feeling to know that you're in the presence of God.
i can remember feeling that presence in the mission before, back when Bro. Gene had control. he was a true man of God. his mission was people. he loved people, and wanted the best for them. now, it's hard to feel anything at trinity other than depression and fear.
i wonder if the church really knows what is going on at the mission? if i were to make a bet i would say probably not. the same Jesus that attends trinity church is not the same one represented at the mission. the one at the mission rules with fear, and is too cheap to buy napkins. the mission Jesus feeds with stale leftover food. i wonder when He feed that 5000 if the bread was stale, and the fish old? maybe it was like the water that he made into wine, it was of an excellent quality. i know that it wasn't like mad dog!!
trinity needs to step up to the plate on their representation of Jesus. nobody want to serve a busted down, broke God. why represent something that's not true. Jesus owns the whole universe, and He is not broke!!
i will tell about the city rescue mission tomorrow. i need to stay there once more before i form a concrete opinion on their hopitality. as far as i can tell from where i stand right now they are a five star mission, because they care,and aren't afraid to show it.
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
...............been thinkin'
right now i know that i'm not on top of my game mentally. there are stresses lurking behind every person out here just waiting to pounce on me. the is a re-occurring presence of danger around ever corner. once a person becomes homeless their senses sharpen, or they get beat down with a quickness.
you would think by the end of the day that they could go into their covey hole, and rest their mind. actually, that is far from the truth. once you lay down to rest, and shut your eyes to sleep, i think another part of the brain kicks in gear. i call this my night time warrior. this is the part of my mind that processes every noise, every sound, and even every vibration that happens around me. it wakes me when some critter is crawling around on me, or when something is slithering in the grass. it also can wake me when somebody is trying to creep up on me, or warn me of an approaching storm. with all this action going on 24/7 a mind doesn't get much of a break.
even still, i find something that totally amazed me. when i first started writing this blog it was to help me to improve my life. since i started writing i've lost everything, but my desire to breathe. still,...........somehow,.................i'm writing!! this surely means that somewhere down deep in my broken shattered heart i feel there's still hope left for my life.
this revelation came with another one last night while i was writing. if a man's circumstances doesn't have to change who he is then why did mine change me the first round?
apparently, i didn't have any foundation in which to build character on to begin with. i had no surface that would hold up the man i thought i was in my mind. i was fooling myself. everything in my life had to change, so i could see what kind of man that i really wanted to be.
i think this is true for me personally. i needed to come to terms with the demons that had been haunting me, and experience some yet to come. i had to live through some very painful experiences just to learn the ways of the world to simply reach new heights.
now, i've come upon a stumbling block. i've worded myself into a corner, and don't know where to go with it. i'm sitting here trying to write one thing, and another thing is constantly running through my mind. i guess that i need to jump right on it and address this situation.
a dear old friend sent me an e-mail the other day. it started out like this, "i see that your still very angry." that just made me scratch my head at first. i found her first sentence odd. i went back, and read my prior one to her. this is the first time that she has tried to contact me in seven weeks, and the reason was that my mail account had been hijacked, and sent her some crap.
now,...........i'm wondering if i am wrong to have any anger? maybe i express more pain than anger? would i be wrong to feel pain? is there a certain amount of anger that it would be acceptable to show? maybe this is only one woman's perception of me.
honestly,..................i am angry, and i'm very hurt also!! the welcome mat to my home has been ripped out from underneath me, and i'm laying on the ground with a big ole' knot on the back of my head. almost every aspect of my life as i had known it has ceased to exist. i find myself in a big dark cruel world alone. i don't have no one to confide in, and i came here already with severe issues of trust. my body is covered with ant bites from when i lay down to rest at night. i can't go into my hiding spot until night fall, and i need to be out before daybreak. it seems that my schedule now highly depends on another schedule.
just for shits and giggles,..........i wonder how many people would actually handle this like June cleaver? am i wrong for being angry? am i wrong for feeling pain? should i just act like nothing is wrong while my bones fester with rage,and my heart explodes?
actually,.............i feel that my anger and pain is well justified. isn't anger a part of the grieving process? i've actually lost something that's very important in my life, and i've lost it all!!
i don't believe that anybody can really understand what i'm going through right now unless they have had the same experience, and the older you get makes it worse.
now, i'm not trying to be impressive to anybody as the biggest loser. i know that some people have lost more value than i have. the real deal is when you lose everything..............it's everything!! you can't get any more to lose than that!!
i guess that the big question now is what am i going to do about it?..........................hum.......................now that's a good one. i've been writing this blog for the last three days, so you can tell that i'm not in a hurry.
i really don't know what to do. i have no plan of action to take. i know in my heart if anything gets done that i'll have to do it. i'm about to believe that the fear of rejection has frozen me still in my tracks.
if i have to hear ":no" once more i'm not sure what i will do next. i might just totally flip out. i feel a good flipping out experience in my near future. one of those where you've gone to far to let anything else slide now. yes,............i'm talking about pitchin' a dyin' duck fit!!
you would think by the end of the day that they could go into their covey hole, and rest their mind. actually, that is far from the truth. once you lay down to rest, and shut your eyes to sleep, i think another part of the brain kicks in gear. i call this my night time warrior. this is the part of my mind that processes every noise, every sound, and even every vibration that happens around me. it wakes me when some critter is crawling around on me, or when something is slithering in the grass. it also can wake me when somebody is trying to creep up on me, or warn me of an approaching storm. with all this action going on 24/7 a mind doesn't get much of a break.
even still, i find something that totally amazed me. when i first started writing this blog it was to help me to improve my life. since i started writing i've lost everything, but my desire to breathe. still,...........somehow,.................i'm writing!! this surely means that somewhere down deep in my broken shattered heart i feel there's still hope left for my life.
this revelation came with another one last night while i was writing. if a man's circumstances doesn't have to change who he is then why did mine change me the first round?
apparently, i didn't have any foundation in which to build character on to begin with. i had no surface that would hold up the man i thought i was in my mind. i was fooling myself. everything in my life had to change, so i could see what kind of man that i really wanted to be.
i think this is true for me personally. i needed to come to terms with the demons that had been haunting me, and experience some yet to come. i had to live through some very painful experiences just to learn the ways of the world to simply reach new heights.
now, i've come upon a stumbling block. i've worded myself into a corner, and don't know where to go with it. i'm sitting here trying to write one thing, and another thing is constantly running through my mind. i guess that i need to jump right on it and address this situation.
a dear old friend sent me an e-mail the other day. it started out like this, "i see that your still very angry." that just made me scratch my head at first. i found her first sentence odd. i went back, and read my prior one to her. this is the first time that she has tried to contact me in seven weeks, and the reason was that my mail account had been hijacked, and sent her some crap.
now,...........i'm wondering if i am wrong to have any anger? maybe i express more pain than anger? would i be wrong to feel pain? is there a certain amount of anger that it would be acceptable to show? maybe this is only one woman's perception of me.
honestly,..................i am angry, and i'm very hurt also!! the welcome mat to my home has been ripped out from underneath me, and i'm laying on the ground with a big ole' knot on the back of my head. almost every aspect of my life as i had known it has ceased to exist. i find myself in a big dark cruel world alone. i don't have no one to confide in, and i came here already with severe issues of trust. my body is covered with ant bites from when i lay down to rest at night. i can't go into my hiding spot until night fall, and i need to be out before daybreak. it seems that my schedule now highly depends on another schedule.
just for shits and giggles,..........i wonder how many people would actually handle this like June cleaver? am i wrong for being angry? am i wrong for feeling pain? should i just act like nothing is wrong while my bones fester with rage,and my heart explodes?
actually,.............i feel that my anger and pain is well justified. isn't anger a part of the grieving process? i've actually lost something that's very important in my life, and i've lost it all!!
i don't believe that anybody can really understand what i'm going through right now unless they have had the same experience, and the older you get makes it worse.
now, i'm not trying to be impressive to anybody as the biggest loser. i know that some people have lost more value than i have. the real deal is when you lose everything..............it's everything!! you can't get any more to lose than that!!
i guess that the big question now is what am i going to do about it?..........................hum.......................now that's a good one. i've been writing this blog for the last three days, so you can tell that i'm not in a hurry.
i really don't know what to do. i have no plan of action to take. i know in my heart if anything gets done that i'll have to do it. i'm about to believe that the fear of rejection has frozen me still in my tracks.
if i have to hear ":no" once more i'm not sure what i will do next. i might just totally flip out. i feel a good flipping out experience in my near future. one of those where you've gone to far to let anything else slide now. yes,............i'm talking about pitchin' a dyin' duck fit!!
Friday, September 24, 2010
i had a blast last night...........
it was so good to write to y'all again!! i had been missing sharing my thoughts, and feeling with the world. i know that it's out there for anybody to read. i'm just not sure if anyone is reading it.
yesterday, i went back over some of the things that i had written for the last couple months prior to losing my home. it was heart-breaking to see that i had known what was fixing to happen, but unable to change any of it. actually, i wasn't completely sure what i would be facing, but i knew that i had been here before.
ten or twelve years since i was last homeless does make a difference. then again, it might just be the fact that i've changed.
i still see all the madness going on. that part has not changed. the dope sellers, and the dope buyers. the thieves, and their helpers. the drunks trying to make the cops think that they are drinking anything but alcohol.
mostly is just people trying to be slick, and pull a fast one on anybody that they can. the sad thing is that it reminds me of younger days when i had became the slick one.
to become the slick one didn't come over night. it took a lot of training, and practice. fortunate for me i had a good teacher with a sense of humor, and plenty of patience. i've written about these adventures in my other blogs, so i wont bore anybody to death right now.
today i sit and watch them play their games. they look like ants, darting here, and there. running from place to place to put a buck in their pocket. it's seems like a whole lot of work that they do to receive so little if anything. i can remember running from daylight to dark, but i don't remember getting tired. now, just watching these boys makes me tired!!
this is definitely a new chapter in my life. one that i didn't think that i would have to write, and one i would have rather avoided if possible. seeing how i'm up to the neck in it, i might as well write about it.
the first thing that i need to write about is the power of my mind. my mind is absolutely wonderful. i can let it take me out of any bad situation that i might find myself into, for a while. it's kinda like taking a break until i've figured out how to handle it.
actually,...... right now,..........i'm in a fantasy mode. there are so many things coming at me so fast that i don't what to do. i basically just sit in the plaza all day watching others. being a con from the old school.........not much gets past me. i can pretty much see it all in a day's time, and i always thank God that i'm not that man anymore. i liked the man that i had become, and i still do really like myself today. i learned a valuable lesson already in all this madness. " a man's circumstances might change, but who he really is doesn't have to change."
i've written about my last adventure out here, and what it caused me to be come. i hated every fiber of my being, and couldn't stand to look in mirror. i was a despicable excuse for a human being, or was this just the master illusion of confusion?
to be continued.....................
yesterday, i went back over some of the things that i had written for the last couple months prior to losing my home. it was heart-breaking to see that i had known what was fixing to happen, but unable to change any of it. actually, i wasn't completely sure what i would be facing, but i knew that i had been here before.
ten or twelve years since i was last homeless does make a difference. then again, it might just be the fact that i've changed.
i still see all the madness going on. that part has not changed. the dope sellers, and the dope buyers. the thieves, and their helpers. the drunks trying to make the cops think that they are drinking anything but alcohol.
mostly is just people trying to be slick, and pull a fast one on anybody that they can. the sad thing is that it reminds me of younger days when i had became the slick one.
to become the slick one didn't come over night. it took a lot of training, and practice. fortunate for me i had a good teacher with a sense of humor, and plenty of patience. i've written about these adventures in my other blogs, so i wont bore anybody to death right now.
today i sit and watch them play their games. they look like ants, darting here, and there. running from place to place to put a buck in their pocket. it's seems like a whole lot of work that they do to receive so little if anything. i can remember running from daylight to dark, but i don't remember getting tired. now, just watching these boys makes me tired!!
this is definitely a new chapter in my life. one that i didn't think that i would have to write, and one i would have rather avoided if possible. seeing how i'm up to the neck in it, i might as well write about it.
the first thing that i need to write about is the power of my mind. my mind is absolutely wonderful. i can let it take me out of any bad situation that i might find myself into, for a while. it's kinda like taking a break until i've figured out how to handle it.
actually,...... right now,..........i'm in a fantasy mode. there are so many things coming at me so fast that i don't what to do. i basically just sit in the plaza all day watching others. being a con from the old school.........not much gets past me. i can pretty much see it all in a day's time, and i always thank God that i'm not that man anymore. i liked the man that i had become, and i still do really like myself today. i learned a valuable lesson already in all this madness. " a man's circumstances might change, but who he really is doesn't have to change."
i've written about my last adventure out here, and what it caused me to be come. i hated every fiber of my being, and couldn't stand to look in mirror. i was a despicable excuse for a human being, or was this just the master illusion of confusion?
to be continued.....................
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
that's right,.............i'm back!!
how the heck are y'all doing? it seems like so long since i've written anything. i've always been open, and honest about the things that i write, and i can't see stopping now. i'm gonna tell it like it is. the good,.........the bad,...............and the ugly!!
my new home is in the great outdoors. the police here are anti-homeless, so i hide from them every night in plain sight. i reckon that there too busy looking for concealed people to see me. actually, i'm laying flat on the ground beside an off ramp, on a one way street. there are a dozen small trees between me and the highway. if you wanted to see me all you would have to do is look. fortunately, nobody has done that yet.
i share my humble home with several critters. i'm not sure if i was trippin' or not, but last night, i thought i saw a duck, and i believe that i did. the biggest problem are ants. there mostly sugar ants, and don't bite all that hard, but the fire ants will bring me out of a deep sleep, in a hurry. i've looked around, and haven't found any fire ant beds, but sometimes the bite me.
i try to be in my private spot around eight every night. it's just dark enough to make me feel safe. you know that there is a lot of craziness going on out here, but the things that i fear the most are the ones that are supposed to protect me!! what ever happened " to protect and serve?" i am a resident of Florida, and have been for 18 years. i an also a resident of Jacksonville, and have been for 16 years.
so what gives here? just because i get down on my luck, does that constitute an all out war on me? why would that want to give me a citation, and a fine, causing me to pay out more money that i don't have to begin with? don't you think that if i had money that i wouldn't be sleeping beside an off ramp? do they figure that i'm such a miser that i wait 30 minutes, in the pouring rain just to receive a stale meal?
then if the catch me sleeping outside again they will lock me up for thirty days!! when did it become illegal to sleep outside? all i'm doing is trying to find a safe place from the psycho's of the world, and now i have johnny law to contend with. what the hell is really going on????
i know that the First Baptist Church runs this city with an iron fist, and just barely tolerates the homeless. if they cared anything about us they would build a mission large enough to house all of us!! they already own half of downtown, and one building would be all that we would need.
if they had a heart full of Jesus, instead full of power and greed, they could do something to pick their brother up when he has fallen, instead of looking the other direction, or ordering the J.S.O. to harass, and lock us up!!
there is so much injustice in our country, little lone the world that you would think that they could find somebody else to pick on that's not eating from a dumpster!! what good is it to have a mega-church if you keep all that money to yourselves?? for the love of God...................W.W.J.D.??
how can they with good conscious claim to be the strenght, and heart of the Bible belt when so many are suffering at their door steps? Jacksonville should be homeless free, because of the First Baptist love and compassion, not because they lock them up to hide them away.
ok,.................now i'm pissed off!! it makes me sick to see the amount of corruption that comes from that one church!! if any member happens to read this blog i will have hell to pay!! the bad thing is that they will just cover it up, and pretend no wrong was done.
i'm going to stop writing now, before i get in too much trouble. it's really good to write to y'all again, and i've missed you greatly!!
love ya..............Mr. illusion of confusion.
my new home is in the great outdoors. the police here are anti-homeless, so i hide from them every night in plain sight. i reckon that there too busy looking for concealed people to see me. actually, i'm laying flat on the ground beside an off ramp, on a one way street. there are a dozen small trees between me and the highway. if you wanted to see me all you would have to do is look. fortunately, nobody has done that yet.
i share my humble home with several critters. i'm not sure if i was trippin' or not, but last night, i thought i saw a duck, and i believe that i did. the biggest problem are ants. there mostly sugar ants, and don't bite all that hard, but the fire ants will bring me out of a deep sleep, in a hurry. i've looked around, and haven't found any fire ant beds, but sometimes the bite me.
i try to be in my private spot around eight every night. it's just dark enough to make me feel safe. you know that there is a lot of craziness going on out here, but the things that i fear the most are the ones that are supposed to protect me!! what ever happened " to protect and serve?" i am a resident of Florida, and have been for 18 years. i an also a resident of Jacksonville, and have been for 16 years.
so what gives here? just because i get down on my luck, does that constitute an all out war on me? why would that want to give me a citation, and a fine, causing me to pay out more money that i don't have to begin with? don't you think that if i had money that i wouldn't be sleeping beside an off ramp? do they figure that i'm such a miser that i wait 30 minutes, in the pouring rain just to receive a stale meal?
then if the catch me sleeping outside again they will lock me up for thirty days!! when did it become illegal to sleep outside? all i'm doing is trying to find a safe place from the psycho's of the world, and now i have johnny law to contend with. what the hell is really going on????
i know that the First Baptist Church runs this city with an iron fist, and just barely tolerates the homeless. if they cared anything about us they would build a mission large enough to house all of us!! they already own half of downtown, and one building would be all that we would need.
if they had a heart full of Jesus, instead full of power and greed, they could do something to pick their brother up when he has fallen, instead of looking the other direction, or ordering the J.S.O. to harass, and lock us up!!
there is so much injustice in our country, little lone the world that you would think that they could find somebody else to pick on that's not eating from a dumpster!! what good is it to have a mega-church if you keep all that money to yourselves?? for the love of God...................W.W.J.D.??
how can they with good conscious claim to be the strenght, and heart of the Bible belt when so many are suffering at their door steps? Jacksonville should be homeless free, because of the First Baptist love and compassion, not because they lock them up to hide them away.
ok,.................now i'm pissed off!! it makes me sick to see the amount of corruption that comes from that one church!! if any member happens to read this blog i will have hell to pay!! the bad thing is that they will just cover it up, and pretend no wrong was done.
i'm going to stop writing now, before i get in too much trouble. it's really good to write to y'all again, and i've missed you greatly!!
love ya..............Mr. illusion of confusion.
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