i'm stuck!!

if i were to say to y'all that I've been through hell in my life, it would be an understatement!! i have walked through the fiery pits, because of my own bad choices. this fact i have no doubt is very true.
i don't get scared easily, but right now I'm terrified of the events that are going on in my life today. the thing that scares me the most is the fact I'm considering just giving up, and vanish from most of society.
i have this run mentality. i just want to vanish, and reappear in a place that nobody knows me, so i want have to feel the guilt about giving up.

desperate times, call for desperate measures......

the bad thing is that i keep re-playing in my mind the events of my past. i was totally miserable, and i new that i was a failure. i caused hurt and destruction every where that i went, but none so much as in my life. i just kept doing the things that i knew better than to be doing, and expecting different results from them. all in all, the results were always pretty much the same, but maybe with a different twist.
I'm in a really bad place right now. I've been a man for the last few years that has know no fear, and all of a sudden i am consumed with great fear. things that didn't bother me before now have me terrified, and i really can't say what from. my life, as the best i can tell, is melting down right before my eyes. the really bad thing is that it's been doing it all this year, and i keep wondering what is going to happen next?

they say,........don't quit before the miracle happens............


that's what i really need right now is a miracle. I'm not stranger to receiving miracles in my life either. i had so many miracles that has happened in my life, that i don't believe in them, but I've come to rely upon them!!
I'm not a religious man, but i am highly Spiritual. i believe in Jesus, and i believe in God, and for me my Spirituality is my only way past this chaos in my life right now.
i know in my heart that if i will just hold on, and live my life one day at a time that everything is gonna work out to my good. right now,........ that is a whole lot easier said than done.  my faith is on shaky ground, and i know that is not good.

letting those down that love me..............

I'm not trying to toot my own whistle, or blow my own horn, or even pat myself on my own back, but i will if needed. i know that there are people that love me, and are proud of how I've changed my life. i also know because of my transformation, that other lives have been touched, and forever to the good.
this is another reason that i can't just give up. i feel responsible to those that love me. even if they no longer confess that i have made a difference. i know in my heart that i have a few, and couldn't even start to know how many that i really have helped changed their lives.
the honest truth is that when i set out to change my life that others were affected by my choices that i made in the process. this is why i want to disappear to a place that nobody knows me, so i can live like hell with no consequences to anybody but me!! still,...........that is not good enough. i started something a few years ago that i can't let loose of today. i have found a way of life that finally agrees with me.
as bad as it has become right now, i know that it can get far worse, and honestly,............i don't think that i have enough life left in me today to get it right, one more time.

the bottom line.............

the bottom line is today is that I'm a survivor, and if i can just stay within 24 hours..........i will make it!! it really tough right now, but somehow, and someway, I've made it to this point. i know that my God has brought me this far for a reason,..............and i know that it wasn't to drop me on my head.
I'll try to do better tomorrow, but right now this is where I'm at. i really need to write about what's going on in my sick head right now, because believe it or not,.............it gives me hope.
speaking of hope,.............i'm hope this is just another illusion of confusion in my life today!!

life is tuff

i don't reckon that no one ever said that life would be easy,..............but does it need to be this hard?

i do try to maintain a fairly decent attitude most of the time, and i really think that i try to live by really good principles. i just don't understand why this year has been so difficult.
before anybody accuses me of being a whinner,...........ok,.............i admit that sometimes i am, but not this time. I'm going to state the cold hard facts, so that i might read back over it, and come to a working solution.

at the end of January i did something to my back. I'm really not sure what i did, or when i did it. because i was working at a worthless job i qualified for free medical from Shands hospital. i got the shands card a few months before.
my boss, whom i will not call by name, but i should so all the world can know how sorry that he is, replaced me even while i was out of work with a Dr.'s notice. i had worked for this man for the past 2 1/2 years with no benefits, and no raises. i know that i was acting foolish to have stayed that long, but the economy was diving hard to the south!! it wouldn't have really mattered though, because he replaced me in less than 10 days.

here i am with no income at all. i can't claim unemployment, because of the stipulation involved with getting unemployment. i can't claim Workman's comp., because i hurt my back on my day off. however, i did qualify for assistance from the government in food stamps.
I've had two trips to the emergency room with my back, and several appointments with my primary Dr. I've had both x-rays, and a MRI procedures performed on me, and they say that they can find anything wrong that would produce the pain that i describe. the Dr.s only solution was to give me narcotic drugs to ease the pain. i haven't done any drugs since 1998, and they worked for a while, but soon the effects wore off.
i still haven't saw a specialist yet, but i do have an appointment next month. my Dr. sent me to pain management, and that will be in about two weeks now.

the only reason that i still have a home is because of my income tax return, and I've sold everything of value that i owned. i might as well confess this little fact also. I've learned to beg charitable organizations to help me pay my rent. I've been looking for a job, but i still don't think that i could do one if i found it. my back is still pretty wrecked, but it fluctuates from day to day.

my Shands card has expired, and they want me to jump through some fiery hoops to renew it. i went to them honesty, and openly about my situation. now they want me to have official documentation of everything that i told them. i proved everything that i said, as it wasn't good enough for them. the bad thing is that they want everything dated with in two days of my next appointment. to say this is a major frustration is an under statement. i might just be paranoid, but i feel as if there are making an example out of me, for no reason.

i guess it would be fair to say that with all this going on that i got severely depressed. my good Dr. had prescribed my antidepressants to level me out, and cause me to enjoy life once again. the bottom line is that i was taking all kinds of different drugs to kill pain, both emotionally and physical. the strange thing was that they worked for a while, but it didn't take long for me to wind up in a world of poop!! actually, i was already there. i was just beginning to realize it.

if y'all have read any of this blog that i write then you know a little about me. you know that I've not always been the most outstanding citizen in my past. the thing is that I've been working pretty hard to change that in the past few years.
now I've been reduced to what i call being less than a man. I've gone from totally supporting myself to dependant  on somebody else. i don't work, and honestly have grown tired of looking. I'm tired of begging somebody else to do for me what i feel that i should be doing for myself.  my faith is starting to waver, because the Good Lord knows what my deal is, and it appears the He is not doing anything about it.
{ honestly,............i know that God is working in my like today, because if He's not, that i don't have a chance to begin with!!}

with all this going on in my life, and so much more that I've not even spoke about. there is something that disturbs me more than anything else. I'm not sure why it should either, but right now it does.
i don't have but less than a handful of people in my life that i really trust, and talk with. I've always thought that was enough, because they have been there for me to share my most intimate thoughts and feelings with. for some reason that i don't understand. my main two players have grown silent, and it such a way that i would be foolish to think that they cared anymore.
i have lost more people in my life that i would care to admit, but these two are heart-crushing to lose.  actually, losing both at the same time, just plays with my mind. i really don't know what to think about this?

OK,...............I've admitted what is going on with me right now, and has been going on for several months. i feel helpless about this situation, and my self-esteem is suffering badly. I'm at my wits end, and don't know what my next move should be. ................is there a next move to make?
I'm clueless here, and i really don't know what to do. I'm so lost in a world of funk. should i just give up, and vanish back into the world in which i came from?.......................or do i continue to fight for this new found freedom, in which i have come to love so dearly?

i would imagine if i write anything again, that y'all will know what i decided to do.

seriously???

seriously?....................did anybody think that i was gonna stop writing this blog?   I've told y'all why i write it to begin with, and it really don't matter if anyone reads this or not!! no one has admitted to openly following this blog, and i could care less. nobody, has even left a comment, and that makes me happy. i don't need any comments, because it wont change nothing. although, everyone has the right to comment what ever they feel that they need to, but I'm so stoked about writing this that it wont matter!! it surely wont make me stop writing.

honesty,.........I've had a bad couple days here lately, and i felt that i need to write something, at least every two days. last night post  came from my sick mind, but.........you already know that i suffer from some kind of mental sickness.
i often talk about how bold that i am, and how i don't hold anything back, but i do. i would love to tell you what happened to me wednesday, but that is not possible at this time. i personally feel that i was wronged badly from those that supposed to be helping me. in other words,...........i feel that i was singled out, and gave the short end on the stick!!
all i can tell you for sure is that i behaved very badly. i said somethings that didn't make me feel too good about myself. i should have just kept my mouth shut, but i didn't.  usually, i have little trouble holding my peace with people, but i lost all control wednesday. i let loose on a couple different people, because they were all that were available at the time. i was so mad, and hurt at the time that i would have went to jail if the right one had been present.

i guess that i need to explain the damage that i created, or at least to me. i don't like when i lose control. it makes me feel weak, because i am showing weakness. anytime that i let my words dictate my actions, instead of my actions dictate my words, i feel that I've lost a great battle. the really bad thing was that it had become a battle in my own mind. i should have just smiled, and continued to think what asses that they were being, and simply left.
the end result would have been better, because now I've got to humble myself, and apologize at our next meeting, if there will be one. the set me another appointment, but i couldn't blame them if they cancelled it, after i left. i guess if i show up, and they did cancel our next meeting, that i should apologize just for my peace of mind. i really don't like when i lose control even if i felt that i was justified at the time.

the bottom line.............

the bottom line is that i am no longer a man the can afford the luxury of resentments. i have to stay at constant peace with all around me to remain happy. if i can't be happy, then what's the point of being anything at all?........that's all i really want out of life anymore,............i want to be happy!!
just because somebody else is acting like an ass,...........does it mean that i have to join them?
well,..............i did,..............and i bet that I'm the only one suffering any pain from it also. July  1st is my opportunity to set the score right, and by that i mean to make thing right by me. if these people don't do what i need them to do to help me................i still have to live with myself!!

and yes,................if you care,.............i plan to continue to write this little ditty,............until the day that i think that i'm a better man, because of it!!

i give up!!

hey y'all................this is Mr. illusion of confusion signing off.

I'm not sure what i was thinking.  i guess everything that i thought that i would accomplish by writing this,  was just another illusion of confusion. they're has been nothing solved. all my life issues are the same as before, or maybe worse.
the only freedom that i have found was just being willing to let y'all know how messed up that i really was. i know that it didn't make any difference, so i choose to do whatever I'm gonna do in silence.

I've pretty much been in silence all my life, and to that silence i am gonna return. i do want to thank whom ever took the time to read what i have written. maybe it was just another of my sick fantasies.

if nobody has told you today, please allow me to be the first,................God loves you, and i do also!!!

i've been thinking...........again?

i really have a problem, and i reckon it's the fact that i over think things a lot of times. I'm really bad to over analyze things.
honestly, I've been considering the fact of writing a blog anonymously. i think that i could make it more entertaining for the reader. the only reason that i started writing this to begin with was for my own healing from my past. do i really want to end this right now? have i been cured from the curse of my past life?
no, and yes...........i don't want to end it right now, but i do believe that the curse that i have lived under has been lifted.

my life that i live today is more sane than i can ever recall it being. on the other hand, there is so much that i don't write about, that i think would be highly entertaining, in a sick way. simply because i am sick to begin with. the day to day things that i encounter are very worthy of telling a good story. the only problem is that if I'm not hiding who i am, and it may hurt others. i don't want to risk that on several different factors.

i live in a large house with several different roommates. each one of them are unique in their own right. they each have some excellent qualities about them, and on the downside, some not so good.
i don't think that any of them know that i write this blog. if they did, i highly doubt that they would spend anytime reading it.
the bad thing is that if they ever did read it, they might be hurt, or offended by my perception of their actions. this is a risk that i really am not ready to leave to chance. i guess that i need to simply praise them for their good qualities, and not expose their faults for the entertainment of my readers.

stop,.............i need to stop right here and now, and say something!!............no matter what i perceive as quirks or faults about them,............mine has got to be far worse!! i have lived with myself much longer than any of these guys, and I'm sure that i have to do as strange, if not stranger things that they do. the problem is that i don't have an outside view on my madness. I'm used to the way that i act, so it's nothing abnormal to me.

i guess the first clue should be the name that i chose for my blog: Mr. illusion of Confusion.   now,........how whacked out is that? i try to show that tittle fits in most of my stories that i tell. it's all about me being confused, and perceiving something that is not quite what i thought it was to begin with. i try to show that no matter what I've experienced in my life the there is a bright lesson to be learned from this madness.
i don't feel that I'm a martyr, but i know that i have taken the long way around to learn most things that most people never have to experience. in other words, i have made some terrible choices in my life.
the good thing is that i have survived this long, and i have learned from my mistakes that I've made so far.
i still make mistakes everyday. the great thing is that i catch on quicker in my older years. aging has been a serious blessing for me to experience. i have lost almost all fear. you can tell that by what i write. i say things just like they are with no fear of doing farther damage to myself, but i never want to cause any damage to anybody else.

do i have any regrets in my life?.............sure i do, but don't we all?   the biggest regret that i have is the fact that i didn't start out with all this new found knowledge. i spent the first 40 years of my life as a damn fool!!   don't you think that that would upset you a bit if you did that?
the really good that i no longer have to live that way............no matter how much time that i have left to live. everyday day is a new day in my life. it don't matter what position that i hold in life. i know that the outcome of a day is pretty much in my hands. i have the choice to be happy, or to be sad.
we all need money to make it in this world,.............or do we?   does money really make us happy?  we all desire somebody to share this thing called life with also, but will that person that we choose really make us happy?
in all my great life experience that I've had so far, being lonely is a great pain that's best avoided. there is a greater pain than that though, or maybe a couple greater. it's been said that it's better to have loved, and lost, than never to have loved at all!! i can agree with that, but i know that it's even worse to be with the wrong one, rather than be alone. it's a living hell to love somebody that wont love you back also. there is no lesser of these two evils in my book. they both hurt like hell!!

any idea where I've wondered off to this time?  i always, or almost always  wander from the subject that i started writing about.  i think that i have fell into the pit of loneliness that i currently live inside . i love two women in my life, and I'm looking for my third adventure, and hopefully my last, and final one.

that's it,...............I'm gonna leave y'all hanging on that one...................i have no choice, but to close right now,.................because if I've even met the right one yet,..................i don't know it,..................but i know that she exist,....somewhere out there!!

now this is funny.........i think? part one

this story is a riot!! at least to me it is. the fact that i lived through it should speak volumes, but on the same hand it's a tragedy. i guess you can decide how you see it.
thinking back about it this story has to be more tragic that anything else, but the ironic thing is that there is a really funny side to it. maybe I'm sicker than i think that i am, but again: you decide.


The Tornado..........

i had moved into a house trailer down in south Alabama with a friend. ( told you that I'm a redneck!!) we were together in a program down there, and decided that there was nothing that they could do for us, so we left together. although, the court system back home had sent me down there, and told me that if i didn't complete it that i would do time in jail.
you would think that i would have enough sense to stay two more months to complete, but i didn't.
we had been living in this ragged old house trailer for a couple weeks in the friggin' sticks. then one Sunday morning i heard the awfullest racket that i had ever heard in my life, and by the time i raised up of the couch to look all i saw was trees heading toward me. i rolled off the couch, and by the time i mumbled God help, and hit the floor it was over. it had lifted up.

it did slam two trees through the trailer. one just feet from where i was, and one through the bathroom. i guess i was in shock or something. i just sit back on the couch in a daze.
it wasn't long before camera crews where out there with the red cross. i really must have been messed up because i remember telling them that i was going to stay in the trailer. that trailer had been shook off its foundation, and kinda broke in the middle. hell, the doors wouldn't even close, and most of the windows were shattered.
the window that i looked out from normally, you could see nothing but woods. when i looked again there was about a 300 yard path with nothing but snapped trees, and foundations where homes used to be.
i guess the man that owned the trailer must had got through to me. he told me to get whatever i wanted to take, and get the hell out!!

the red cross and the motel............

the red cross people were still in the area when the guy that i was living with came home. he talked with them, and got us a free motel room for a week, and some food vouchers. i sat in that motel room along all week. he was a rich kid. well,.............his grandmother was rich. she owned one of the biggest trucking lines in Alabama. kinda makes you wonder what he was doing in that trailer to begin with.....don't it? needless to say, he decided to go back to grandma's house.
i was in pitiful shape. i didn't have a job, and no home to call my own. i certainly couldn't go back home, because i greatly feared any jail time at all. i was stuck in this really small town, and today was my last day at the motel. to make matter worse the holiday season had begun, and no jobs were to be found anywhere!!

the woman.........

yep,............that's right,................there is always a woman. this is not your run to the mill woman either. me and my buddy had given this special woman a special name. in the program that we were in they make you go to meetings, and we noticed her there. she would single out a guy, and before you would know it, he would stop going to the meetings. therefor, we called her the relapse provider!!!
she was really an attractive woman, and both of us would talk with her. on my last day at the motel my friend showed up, and said that she wanted to help me out.  no,........he couldn't say it with a straight face either, and i nervously laughed with him.
i really didn't have a choice at the time, so i agreed to stay with her for a while. i didn't realize that she lived seven miles in the sticks either!! the first few days wasn't bad at all. she seemed to have this child like trust in me. she worked two jobs, and she was gone most of the time. i was thinking that this wasn't a bad deal at all. then something happened...................and i never saw it coming!!
she began to nag, nag, nag, and if that wasn't bad enough, she put nag, on top of nag!!  sweet mother of God!! she was driving me nuts!!
it was a 14 mile round trip to the closest town. which i had got to the point of walking daily just to get away from her. while i was in the program i had regularly schedules appointment with the mental health people, and they gave me a supply of drugs to slow my mind down, so i could concentrate better.  nothing could have relieved the misery that i was in staying in this woman's house at the time.

the beginning of sorrows................

life had become unbearable for me at this point and time. i sat on her couch one day, clutching a bottle of bourbon, and thinking some really good thoughts. I'm not sure what happened to them, because the one that i stuck with was not all that good.
i was talking to myself, and asking myself questions like, " what do most people do that are as miserable as i am right now?" a it hit me like a ton of bricks..................they commit suicide!!
i was in a heaping pile of trouble now, because i couldn't commit suicide. my best friend ever had just done that a couple years before, and i was left hold the bag full of pain and guilt where i didn't stop him. i could never pass that bag on to any other human being!!
i reckon the bourbon was in control now, because i have no idea where this thought came from, or what i thought that it would accomplish.  i decided that if i couldn't commit suicide. i would do the next best thing,..........i would fake a suicide attempt!!

911.............what is your emergency?.................

yep,.............that's right,.............i called 911, but it didn't quite go like i had planned for it to. i told the operator that i was drinking bourbon, and just took a handful of haldol. that's the drug they gave me at mental health. i had not really took any pills, but i knew if i said that i was just drinking, and thinking about suicide that all i would get was a free trip to jail.
the operator put me on hold while she sent an ambulance out to the place that i was at. then she came back, and ask me the silliest question. can you give me directions to where you located?
now,.........i always thought that when you called 911 that they knew right where you were, before i had even heard a voice. i had no idea where i was at besides being the the friggin' sticks. i was thinking what else can go wrong now? i didn't have a clue, but i was fixing to find out.
i told her to just forget about me. i was going to start walking, and if i made it to a pay phone i would try this again. then i slammed the phone down!!
i used to have a hell of a temper, and drinking whisky just poured jet fuel on an open flame. in my mind i had convinced myself that i was going to die from the drugs that i had taken. although, i hadn't really taken any. i guess that is what you would call extreme roll playing!!
i took off walking with bourbon in hand. i had forgot that the closest pay phone was about five miles down the road. nothing was close to where i was at, little lone any sign of civilization. by the time that i saw the phone all the whisky was gone, and to say that i was ripe was an understatement.
this time calling 911 i put on a stellar performance. the lady on the phone said that she knew right where i was at, and an ambulance had been dispatched. i just hung the phone up, and sit on the ground leaning back on the booth.
a few minutes had passed when i heard the sounds of sirens coming up the road. i staggered to my feet, relieved that i hadn't died yet. the sounds got closer, and closer. i could see the flashing lights now.  as the ambulance got near i noticed that they wasn't slowing down. the just sped right past me, and i watched then until they had gone from my vision.
by this time i was livid!! i wasn't sure what to do. do i call back, and tell the lady that they just passed by me, or do i just walk back, and hope that we all can simply forget about it? i should have just took the latter choice, but you know that i didn't. i called her back, and just raised hell with her, then she asked that fatal question once again. " can you tell me where your located?" i started screaming into the phone, " yes i can tell you where I'm located. I'm going back to the house where i was to begin with if i can make it, and die on the couch!!"
i probably hadn't staggered of a quarter mile when an ambulance pulled over to the side of the road. i was furious about several things. the main one being if this had really been a suicide attempt, i would have already been dead!! second being, all the trouble that i was going through just to escape the misery that i was in.

an all new and different misery...................

by the time that i finally made it to the emergency room i was drunker than cooter brown, and i was a hand full. i guess that protocol on an overdose was to pump the stomach, but i wasn't having it. they couldn't get enough people to hold me down while they straped me down either. there was no way that i was going to let them shove a tube down my nose into my stomach.
then they gave me something to drink that would make me sick enough to throw up. they said that it wouldn't take but a few minutes to work, but an hour later i was still sitting on a gurney with my feet dangling off. the Dr. came to me, and said that they were running out of time, and needed to pump my stomach to get whatever pills that was in there out. of coarse i refused again, so they gave me some more of that stuff to drink. 15 minutes later i exploded with a fury, and passed out.

the end is not coming soon...............

when i woke up i was in a place that i didn't recognize being in. i was laying in a bed wearing a hospital gown. there were all different kinds of machines hooked up to me. i went to raise up, and i was totally strapped down to the bed. i guess that they took the opportunity to do all this while i was passed out, because i wasn't the friendliest patient to begin with.
a few hours later the Dr. came to visit. he just said that it was routine to keep me in the intensive care ward for 24 hours observation, and they would cut me loose in the morning. they never freed my arms, or even let me eat anything until the next day.

well,............the doc didn't lie.............

i laid there most of the night wondering what i was thinking that pulling this stunt would accomplish in changing my miserable life. i was only a few hours away from walking back out the door, and i was in the same mess as before i started this madness. i must have been crazy to think that this would solve anything at all.
the next morning came really quick. the doc walked in, and ask if i was ready to go.  as i was saying yes to him, two deputies walked in the room.
i knew that something wasn't right, and i began to question it. the doc said that i had a court date set, and i was going to the psychiatric ward in a larger hospital until such time for my safety. i couldn't run, because i was still strapped down, and those deputies were fully armed, and looked like they were just waiting for me to give them an excuse to pull out the power!!

confusion or paranoia.......is there a difference........................

needless to say, i was utterly confused at this time. the past 36 hours had been a living hell by my own making, and i was suffering extreme paranoia about the events to come. they finally told me where the hospital was located that was going to be my new home for the next month. yep,.........that's right,...........i didn't stutter,..........i said month. it was 50 miles away in opelika Alabama.
the strange thing was all i was thinking about is my naggin' woman problem had been solved. i knew when i eventually got free once again, that i would never see her again. i didn't worry about my stuff at her house either, which was everything that i had in this world. i was content with the clothes that i was wearing when this adventure started a few hours ago. even if they wouldn't let me wear them right now.

psych ward................

this was the first time that i ever had the privilege to be locked up in a psych ward. i have no fond memories of it at all. actually, i have very few. they must have kept me pretty drugged up the whole time that i was there.
the first thing that i can tell you is that the first three days i was a special guest in the white room. I've heard about this all my life, but i never figured that i would be in one. it is a padded cell to say the least. the walls, the floor, and even the ceiling is padded, and everything is a glaring white color. it's one of those things that will push you over the edge if your not crazy already, and at this point i was wondering if i really was or not!!
the only other thing that i can really tell you about was the fact that i spent Christmas in there. it was my first Christmas away from family and friends ever, and i wasn't joyous at all about being there.

court day had finally got here................

all this time being locked up in that hole that they call a psych ward for my protection i never had anybody explain to me why i was going to court. this day they came a little closer. two deputies took me to court that morning, and they said it was a competency hearing to determine whether or not i was competent to stand trial. they never said what the trial was for, but just to make sure that i was competent enough to do it.

now, if my life hadn't gone on a direct southern dive since i made that fatal decision to fake a suicide attempt, check this out. i still remember it like it happened yesterday. word for word.
the kept me outside the courtroom until the judge was ready to see me. when they finally led me in to see him there wasn't many people in the room. the deputies told me to go stand before the judge by myself. i thought wow!!  are you serious?  i can really walk a few feet without an escort?  i did say thought. i wasn't bold, or stupid enough to say it out loud in fear of being strapped down to a chair, and rolled in front of the judge.
here is the brief conversation between the judge and i that morning:
" good morning Mr. Crumly."
" good morning your honor."
" we are here today to find out if your competent enough to stand trial" do you feel that your competent enough?"
" yes your honor i am competent enough to stand trial" " i just don't know what kind of trial that your talking about?"

in one swift motion, and breath this is what the judge said: " thank you for your input, and this court has noted it, but we the court find you incompetent at this time, and remand you to the grill Alabama state mental hospital until such a time as they deem you competent!!"           now,..........talk about the execution of swift justice!! i couldn't believe my ears!! i was left standing there with my jaw laying on the floor!! i couldn't have said a word right then, and you know that i wanted to say plenty of them!!!

the end of life as i had known it.......................

for the first time that i can remember somebody was able to silence me, and that judge did it. i remained silent all the way to my new destination. i quickly realized once i got there that i was a fish out of water.  once i was released from the white room at the psych ward i was around people that i could relate with, but this was a whole new ball game.
although, i never saw any of the criminally insane i did see that everyone around me was crazy. i just knew that i had died, and this was my hell!! i had only been there a few minutes, and already i was wondering if i would ever be allowed to leave?

later that night i had my first interview with a doctor. he would ask me questions without ever looking at me. general knowledge question like what day it was, what year it was, what month it was, and who the president was. seeing how it was January of an election year i first got it wrong, but quickly recovered with the correct answer. at that point the doctor dropped his pen, and stopped writing. he leaned back in his chair, and started looking at me in silence. then he asked me why i was there, and i told him that the judge had sent me.
he ask that question once again, and i started to tell him the whole story. he stopped me, and excused himself.
a few minutes later he appeared again with another doctor, and said continue please. i told the whole story from beginning to end, and both Dr's. looked at each other. then the other Dr. began to speak.
he said that he could tell me why i was there, and hesitated a bit. in my mind he was about to say the worse thing that i could hear, but he didn't.
he said that the only reason that i was there was because i had pissed the right people off that had some connections!! that was the first thing that i had heard since this whole ordeal started that made any sense. a relief came over me that i hadn't felt in months. we talked for a few more minutes on a personal level. it felt good not to be talked down to for a change.
i ask him what my trial was for, and he looked puzzled. he grabbed my paperwork, and flipped through it. he said that there isn't a trial date for anything, and this was my last stop. he also said that they would have to hold me there for a minimum of two weeks to run some test, and make sure that i didn't belong there, just to cover their own butts.

grill,............a blessing in disguise.....................

the next two weeks seemed to creep on by. i was not comfortable at all around crazy people. at any given time there would be 50 of them in the t.v. room. the bad thing was that the volume was turned full blast, but it was impossible to hear with 50 conversations going on at the same time with 50 other people that i couldn't see, or maybe more. who am i to limit their invisible friendships?
i took every test imaginable in those two remaining weeks. the good think is that i passed them all with flying colors. the i.q. test results amazed me, because i had never taken one before, and i never even thought that i could score that high.   no,.........I'm not going to reveal what my score actually was, but i impressed myself with it.
the state mental hospital knew that they had a resident that shouldn't have ever been there, but i wasn't their first either, and I'm sure that i wasn't the last. they treated me well as they could. they went out and bought me new clothes, and shoes. they gave me an allotment of cash money also. my every need was met while i was there including balanced conversations with all the staff.
when it come time to leave they offered me a monthly check for the rest of my life, which i declined. most of my life i thought that if things get bad enough i would pull the crazy card, and be set for the rest of my life. actually living with this madness for two weeks taught me to be grateful for the limited sanity that i have actually got. i no longer even thought about being crazy, or attempted to pull the crazy card ever again. I've always been pretty much simply satisfied with what life has given me.
on my way out the door i was asked once again, " is there anything that we can do for you before you go? we mean anything, and the check is still up for grabs.
i stood there silent for a few seconds reflecting on this was the exact way that i had arrived, and then i spoke. i said there was one more thing that they could do for me. can you tell me where the nearest bus stop is, because I'm outta here!! i walked out the door with a smile across my face with no destination. all i had was what i had been wanting for a few months now...................my freedom!!!

love in the nut house.......................

i can't end this tale of tragedy, and comedy without telling this. I'll have to ask a question though. do you think that love can exist in the nut house?
apparently it can, and did during my visit. while i was there there was a young woman that had been there for a few years. i could tell that she was sweet on me by the way she acted. anything i was in a room she would come sit beside me, and would eventually talk to me. she had a real problem with staying on tract with her conversations, but she genuinely tried so hard that i learned to tolerate her effort. actually, i was starting to enjoy her company, and then she moved up a level.
this girl started wearing make-up just for me. I'll never forget the first time she walked into the room that i was in all made up. she actually, had no style with wearing make up. she would just put it on her face anywhere that she seen fit. she might line her eyes with lip stick, or use it as a rouge, but she rarely wore it on her lips. her eyeliner could go any place to, but never over her eyes. honestly, she still looked better than Tammy Faye Baker did most nights!! she was a mess though, but she was doing all to impress me.
i told her that i was leaving about three days before i did. she took it up another level. she began to sit beside of me, and pull her shirt off. every time she did this, someone would escort her out of the room. it wouldn't be but a few minutes that she would appear once again fully dressed, but not for long though. that shirt had to come off to impress me.
actually, her breast were very impressive, but i realized that they were attached to the mind of a child. i had grown fond of her, but only as a friend.
my last day there she brought me a bunch of papers to read. they were legal papers from a lawyer. it turned out that all her family had passed on, and she was all alone in this world. the sad thing was that she was worth millions!! she had far more than enough money to live the rest of her life on. the fact that she shared all of this with me according to the staff was remarkable. they said that she never let anybody else know that about her, and she had never took a shine to anybody like she did me.
i think about her all the time, and I'm confused. why can't i meet a woman who will put all that effort into getting my attention the way that she did? this girl did everything in her power to have me,................and to me, ............that is impressive!!!

blog..............blog..............blog

i guess it has come time to "splain" myself a little here. yes,.........i said "splain."  didn't ricky always say this to Lucy? I'm sorry that I'm old now, but when i was a kid there was a t.v. show called, i love Lucy. yes,.......it was in black and white television, long before the color came along. this show was an American icon, and everybody that had a t.v. watched it. i could blow your mind with the programs that i grew up on, but that will have to be another time.

i need to answer some thoughts that you might be having about my blog now. this is very important to me, so you will know where I'm coming from, if you read it. actually, i don't think that many people have read it, but that's OK with me. i don't write it because i have talent to begin with. i am not deceived doing this. i know that i have no writing skills, and i know that I'm not entertaining.

however, it does give me something that i desperately need in my life today, and that is a chance to heal. i have so many mental, and emotional problems in my life today. i thought about this for a long time before i did it. i thought how can i get this peace in my life that we are all seeking to have if my past is so mess up? then it donned on me. write a blog confessing to the entire world how screwed up that you really are right now. few people will ever read it anyway. maybe nobody, but i can say that i do have one follower, but she hasn't admitted that yet by clicking on the button.

i would like to make it more entertaining than it is right now, but I'm on a mission. i can't seem to keep right on one theme right now. i write whatever is going though my mind at the time, and my mind is so unstable. i start with something, and almost always wind up with something else going on. i can't say about anyone else's train of thought, but mine is severely messed up.

actually i believe this is a huge step for me. I'm basically shy, but when i write things just come out. I'm not trying to hide, and sneak around to do this either. if you will read my crap that i write you will find out just who i really am, and a way to contact me if you wish. I'm really not this bold. i just got tired of this sickness inside of me dictating my lonely, boring life.
i know that what really lies inside of me is basically good. i just didn't know how to set it free. i have a huge heart for God, but my past is trying to keep it smothered. i have a serious love for people, but I've not yet learned how to show it, and i want that more than anything else right now. i am learning that i really do need people in my life. I'm getting too old to be a lone ranger anymore. life has a different meaning for me today.

I'm learning that I've acted like something that i am not. I've been deceitful to others, and worse than that, I've been deceiving myself. i learned a long time ago that i can act like anything that i want you to think that i am, and i can put on a good show. i guess the day comes, or i know it did for me, that i am what i really am. i can no longer play that facade of putting on a show just to make others accept me. i want to be who i really am, and give you the choice of what you think about me. i find that much easier on my Spirit, than trying to keep the act going.

I've blocked out most of my childhood, and i don't understand why. writing this Lil' bit has began to unfold these memories. i think that we all have great things about our childhood that we need to be able to recall. after all, didn't we all learn the most important things in life before kindergarten? sadly, most of my life i forgot these also, but I've not heard the fat lady singing yet either!! i really think that they might be hope for me yet!!

i write for the freedom of my heart, soul, and mind. i write because i know in my own heart that there is a beautiful person trapped inside this body just aching to be set free. I've taken some rare glimpses of him from time to time, and i approve this message. politicians say that all the time, and i know that what is trapped inside of me is much better that what they assume to be.

i really don't intend to harm anybody with what i write. i withhold the names of those i talk about most of the time. i wish that i could name them, because some are very important to me. if they only knew how important that they really are. since this is all about me getting better, and not really so much about them, although, i couldn't do it without them, for now i wont call any names.

i speak a lot about my heritage. I'm glad that i grew up where i did. i wouldn't change it for anything if i could. all those backwoods, hillbillies, and rednecks that you may think that I'm making fun of, I'm really not. all those people have contributed to make me what i am today. i thank God that everyone of them that were put in my life, and if I'm making fun of anybody, I'm making fun of myself. those folks were simply who they were the same as i am today. it just took me a little longer to figure that one out.
i love my family which consist of two sisters, and a mother. mom has passed on, but i bet that she would be proud of her baby today, and yep,.........that's right,..........I'm her baby!! my sisters and me are not all that close today, but that's totally my fault. i can accept the consequence for my past actions, and I'm currently trying to repair them,...........yet again. i guess that I'm learning as i go.

i need to say something else before i turn it in for the night.  life is really precious, and it is a gift. I'm grateful that i realized this before i died. i plan to treat it accordingly for the rest of my days. I'm tired of fighting with anything, or anybody. peace is my goal today. peace with myself, and everything around me. if nobody has told you this today. please allow me to be the first,................God loves you, and i do also!!

flardee livin'

i remember when i was a kid that some people would say Flardee, instead of Florida.  that was just the typical jargon of the folks that lived on sand mountain. i never failed to understand the lingo once i had a few years of listening to it. actually, i adopted most of it in my everyday life as a way of speaking, but I've lost a good bit of it now. i can pick it right back up though. all it take is to meet somebody else from bama, or a simple phone call back home, and i be jawin' with the best of them.

i landed in Miami.  i say landed, but actually, i just got off the greydog bus. have you ever been to Miami?  well,...........I'm gonna tell you that is not a good place for a county green feller from bama to wind up in. those people are strange. they spotted me as a hick at first glance also. not that was a difficult task to pull off, because i was out of my element. i was seriously out of my element!!

i would walk through the streets spinning around looking every where, and bumping into those that really didn't care to look at anything. i had never been in a city this large in my life, and i was mesmerized by everything. the buildings were so tall, and close together, and the people,.................o.m.g.!!
i saw folks dressed in every way. i thought that i was in the land of the village people!! i remember seeing people  with spiked hairdos of all assorted colors. yep,...........that's right,............i was definitely out of place!!

i guess i lived a sheltered life back home. i sure was green to the ways of the city. my first day there i thought that there was so many people without a home, and their all starvin' to death. i couldn't believe all the folks that approached me asking for money or food. in all of  my being naive,i tried to help them all out with something. i actually felt sorry for everyone of them, and i was always raised to help out anyone in need, and this was the worst place for needy people in the world!! i help them until i was right out there with them!!

i was raised right. there was nothing wrong with the values that i learned as a child. the only flaw was that it was right in my area, and i wasn't in my area any longer. i don't believe that i was ever taught the city version of values, because why would anybody be concerned with them? who would ever leave the paradise that i was living in to go to the hell hole that i was in now?

Miami was my battlefield for a new way of life. i stayed there two years, and i learned a lot of lessons. unfortunately, i learned the biggest part of them the hard way. the bad thing was that i allowed those lessons to change me into something that i wasn't at all. i grew cold, and distant from people. i no longer trusted anybody, and i didn't trust God anymore either. i was a man totally on my own in a very cruel world.
i had become mean and bitter. if there was something that i thought that i needed, i just took it, and you had best not say a word to me when i did. the reason being that we were gonna fight, and i had learned to not fight fair. actually, i had grown to love to fight. if you were stupid enough to engage in a fight with me i had no mercy on you!! nothing would stop me short of a gun shot, and if you didn't shoot well it would just make me angry!!

i carried this attitude with me for several years. actually, i carried it until it just became too heavy of a burden to bare. the bad thing was that i carried it all the way from Miami to Jacksonville, and i had several stops in between. i guess it's fair to say that i created complete havoc all over the state of Florida.
i hadn't been in Jacksonville long when i realized that i couldn't act the way that i had been acting, so me and a running partner decided to head out to California. i knew that if i continued to stay here, and act like i was that i would be locked up more than i was free. for some reason the cops in jax had honed their sights in one me. it couldn't have been that i was a walking terror could it?

the day had come to head on out to California. my partner and me were walking down the road heading to i95 to hitch a ride.  OK,............i need to back track a little bit, and tell you somethings about my partner. his name was Jessie, or at least that's what he said that it was. once Jessie and me got locked up, and he had 13 different IDs on him at the time. i really don't know anymore about him than he told me.
Jessie saved my life. i met him in Miami. Jessie knew more about conning folks out of money than anybody i ever met, and i had met quite a few of them. they were my kinda people. the folks that i had come to call my family. the kind of people that i thought that really cared about me. i just didn't realize that i had become as good of a con as they were, and they needed me as bad as i did them.
Jessie taught me about doing things that i never thought about doing. I've saw him do things that i never even considered possible, and he taught me how to do everyone of them. once i hooked up with Jessie i never went without a meal again. i was homeless, but i wanted for nothing. in time we could go our own way, and meet back up at the end of the day with both of us with several hundred dollars in our pockets. which did no good for either of us, because we were both addicted to alcohol and drugs.
we left Miami one day, and got separated in new Smyrna beach. we later hooked back up in jax a couple years later, and started our old games. we got a place together, until we decided to head out again. ( I'm not giving details about our adventures together, because most were illegal, and i really don't want to go to jail now, for something that i done back then.)

by the time that we were heading to California i had gotten soul sick. have you ever been soul sick? it's the most miserable feeling that a person can feel, and i had been this way for several days. i was totally disgusted with what i had become. i truly hated every fiber of my being. i couldn't stand even thinking about what i had become. i was a vile creature, and no descent human being could trust for anything.
i told Jessie to just go on without me that i couldn't make this trip with him. i said that i had to do something different.  he heading on down the street, and i took a quick right, and watched him walk away. i was truly heart-broken, and scared. i started doing something that i hadn't done in years. i began to cry. i wasn't sure why though. was it the fact that i was on my own again, or the changes that i knew in my heart that had to take place in my life?

i had gone so far from the simply county boy from Alabama that wound up in Miami so many years ago. i went from the big hearted man that felt sorry for all the tragic persons walking the street to being something that i couldn't stand being. i had become everything despicable that my mother always taught me better than to be. i had become the man that mother warned me to avoid being around!!
i didn't know it at the time, but Jessie saved my life again that day. he simply walked up the road, and never looked back. I'm sure if i kept hanging with him that somebody would have finally killed me, or i would have been locked up behind the prison walls. not that i needed Jessie to act like i did, but with him out of my life i had hope for change.

i never saw Jessie after that day, but i think about him often. i hope where ever he is at that he has found some peace in his heart. i think that we all need another chance sometimes to make it right, and this is my prayer for my friend Jessie.

my life started over that day, because i finally made the decision that it had to change, and i called on my Creator to do for me, what i could not do for myself. that was 15 years ago. have it been a smooth transition?.........surely not. in fact it's been pretty difficult at times.  is my life the way i always dreamed that it would be?...............not even close!!

the strange thing is that I'm happy today. I've got back to my southern roots, and the way that i was raised. i was raised a redneck boy with a huge heart for people. i might not show it openly, but it's there at all times. i was taught great values, as a child. i just veered from them for a while.

today i would rather die that go back to what my living style had become when i first came to Flardee.  i say,........boy!!...........boy!!............i am a ree-formed redneck, and i  got the feet to prove it!!!

God's Country............part 2

getting older sure has it's draw backs..........don't it?    i mean beside  having pains in places that you never even knew that there was anything there. I'm not even talking about getting up in the morning, and your body is having it's own 4Th of July celebration.
I'm talking about the fact that things change. sometimes things change that i thought were just fine the way that they were. most of the reasons that such happens is because of greed...........money to be had!! i stop there for now, cause it will ruin my story, but I'll pick it back up later on.

like i said in part 1 of this, i grew up in God's country. there was always something to do, and places to go. actually, writing this blog is restoring my childhood memories. I'm not sure why, but I've blocked most of them from my memory. maybe in time i will realize what happened to cause this.

growing up i had two sisters. they were 10-12 years older than me. i remember once in my life going swimming with them. i wasn't all that old. I'm gonna make a guess, and say that i was six. I'm not even sure how we got there, but i remember when i first saw this place that we went to swim.
it was beautiful!! i remember that i set on black flat rocks, and just played in the water beside the falls.  yes,.......it had a waterfall.  you could walk all the way crossed the creek on the flat rocks. actually, i believe that it was just one big rock but it had a few crevices in it.
there were some more people there, but they never bothered with us. i never knew where that place was located for several more years, but i knew that there was something special about it.

time had passed on, and i was 14 now. i spent the night with a friend from school one Friday night. Saturday we went into the woods to shoot some squirrels. all we did was actually shoot up a box of bullets, and absolutely no animals, or humans were harmed in the process.   yep,.........that's right,......we were pretty bad shots!!
then he ask me if i wanted to see the falls. i said sure, and we took off walking.  we walked down a dirt road for a long time, and then heading up a trail that was covered with huge rocks. this was rough terrain to walk on little lone try to drive on. it would have beaten a car to death.
as we got near i could hear the sound of falling water. the path ended, and we started walking toward the sound of the rushing water. all of a sudden something appeared before my eyes that i had saw before. we were in the place that i swam as a child. i didn't have a clue where this was, and i never remember going though this rough terrain to get there. actually, i didn't remember a lot about it, but now I'll never forget.

my buddy explain to me that it was called high falls. a popular hang out for the party crowd, and anybody that just wanted to get away for a while. there is a natural arch rock located on the top that the really bold, or stupid people jump from into the water. I've always felt that there is a fine line between bravery and stupidity, and it's never known which it is until the outcome!!
once i started driving to school, some times i would skip, and go spend the day at the falls with friends. we would smoke the good green stuff, and just chill for the day. i never saw a cop at the falls, because it was a bit difficult to get to. the only time they were down there was when some fool jumped from the arch rock, and missed the water, but caught another rock on the way down. which surprisingly enough was a common occurrence.

the last time that i went to the falls was quite a few years ago. it guess i was 25 or so. i couldn't believe what i saw as i was getting close. there were signs all on the road with arrows pointing to high falls state park!! remember that rough terrain road that we used to walk down? now it's paved leading all the way to the falls. the first thing that i saw when i got there was a poured concrete pad with a pavilion built on it, and picnic tables underneath. i noticed that there were even street lights all around. this stuck in my crawl really bad!! i couldn't believe that they desecrated my sanctuary!!

now,.......did it really take anything from the beauty of  one of God's gifts to us?  no,......not at all.  it actually made it accessible to more people. people visiting from other states that would have never even known about it, and maybe some locals also. here is the thought that brings me peace. all those people who had went to the falls years ago as young bucks could still go now that they are elderly.
if there are folks out there that have as fond of memories as i do, and could no longer survive the trek down the path,............then i guess that i can let go of whatever i have personally against the change.   that's another thing that i don't care for about getting older,.................you learn to see to see past yourself!!

strange weather

i don't think that anyone actually lives down here for the summers. the summers last longer than the friggin' calendar says, and they are quite hot. most folks really enjoy the mild winters, beautiful spring time, and the cooling off of the fall.
i really like the fall time. fall is the time of year that you can give your house cooling unit a break. simply raise your windows, and air the house out for a while. the days don't get that hot anymore, and the nights are wonderful. all you need is a ceiling fan, and you sleep like a baby.
fall down here is a lot different than in bama. back home all the leaves on the trees turn a beautiful array of colors. then they turn brown, and fall to the ground exposing the limbs of the trees. down here it is so much different. some of the trees do exactly like the ones in bama does, and most of them keep their leaves attached to almost spring. i think that they know the last minute that they can hold on to them, before the new buds start sprouting.
spring is my favorite time of year. I'm sure that spring is pretty much the same everywhere, but it starts a little earlier here. i love to see the regeneration of life unfold before my eyes. everything that took a long winters nap is awaking once again to a new season. the birds sing more joyful, and there is new babies running around nature.
most winters here are really not that bad. they actually are very mild. most winter all you need is a light coat to fend off the cold. it seems to be the coldest at the crack of dawn, so mornings can be quite cool. the worst think about the winter time is the fact that everything appears to be dead., and that really affect people also. i know that's common around the world, but when you live in a place as beautiful as here is it can weight heavy on you.
they say that this winter is the worst one that we've had in 150 years. i know that it seemed to stay cold forever. yep,...........that's right,...........suck it up yankees,............i'm whining because it was cold for two weeks!! it was below freezing a lot of nights, and we had a stretch of below freezing once for 13 nights in a row. the plants were devastated. i saw plants turn brown that i never have seen before. all the fish in the goldfish  pond died. it was depressing to say the least.
looking back that should have been understandable. i saw more death this winter, than I've seen in 16 years. there was a good reason that i went through a very bad state of depression this winter. I've been living here for so long, and most things stay a certain shade of green year round.

yep,...........that's right,..........here i go again!! i just had a revalation,..........again. i seem to do this every time that i write. i think that I'm pretty smart, but I'm not really all that. this winter was very hard on me, and i couldn't figure out why, until i just wrote it. i got so depressed this winter that i actually had my Dr. give me a antidepressant. then when i went back , and complained that the good effect wasn't enough now, he gave me another one. being chemically dependant to begin with, that turned out to be a disaster in the making.
i came off the two drugs cold turkey, because of poverty. if i can stress one thing to anybody on drugs like these is don't just quit abruptly. wing yourself off them.....please!! i thought that i was going to die. i was hearing things, and hallucinating badly, and i stayed sick for about two weeks.
I'm a man that loves life, and seeing so much death around me just sent me over the deep end. i wish that i could have seen it coming, but i didn't realize until right now.

now,..................back to my story!!

apparently, this past winter was just another illusion of confusion. although, the plants were very slow reviving this spring from the freezing cold, something strange happened.  this year every plant in my yard that blooms, other than the cactus, have bloomed like crazy. the cactus just did their normal blooming. the rose bushes have bloomed like wildfire. they have put on many times what they usually do.
there are plants in the island in the driveway. I'm not sure what there are, but they look like some kind of Lilly. they never bloom until late summer. then they bloom bunches and bunches. this year they have already started blooming, and you guess it,...............bunches and bunches!!
i think all this freezing cold weather has set up another phenomenon.  care to take a wild guess?........I'll give you a clue. it's still 6 days before summer actually starts, and it's 7:00 p.m., the temperature is still 100 degrees!!            yep,.............that's right,..................we are going to blister this summer!! today was the hottest day this year so far, and it's still spring. one of my neighbors said yesterday that if this keeps up that he is going to move back home for the summer. i asked where he is from, and he said, Fargo North Dakota.
i just smiled, and said, " can i go?"

women seeking men

some people get their daily giggles entertainment from comic strips or comic books. some watch cartoons. i personally love cartoons, because it's the ultimate fantasy world coming to life. cartoons can take you anywhere that you will allow them to take you, but that's not what I'm writing about. some folks watch comedy shows to get their giggle on, and some of us just interact with human beings.
me personally, i like to read the classifieds adds posted on Craigslist under the heading of women seeking men. this is the ultimate cluster of chaos under the title of the illusion of confusion!! i have this sickness though. it's a mental sickness. i find humor in the darndest places, and this is full of it.

these are women aging from 18, to around 50. they have a couple things in common. first thing is that they are seeking a man for something. this "something,"  varies from woman to woman, but the over all theme is still the same. they want money and sex, and i said it in the right order.
OK,..........i know what some of you women are thinking. you've already put your pout face on, a quenched up your nose, your horns are beginning to sprout from your head, and your fangs are touching your knee caps. all this time your saying, " that's not me!!"
well,........Lil' darling you may be right, it might not be you, but if you have ever posted an add on Craigslist seeking a man, you might be that one in a million that's looking for something different.

i know in my heart that were all different, and different things turn us on, and make us happy. i believe that we've all got a good side, and an evil side. i have never had the perfect friend, or lover in my life. everyone of them had at least one attribute that i could have lived without, but that made them what they are today.
i also believe that it's up to us to make a choice concerning the people we allow in our lives. if somebody does something that really urk's you beyond belief, then you should probably avoid them.  i believe that we were all created with the decency, and potential to get along with each other, but that don't mean that we need to be rubbing elbows, or other body parts together.

most of the women that are seeking a man already has a plan. they want all conditions just right before they will ever consider just thinking about something remotely serious happening. a man has got to be perfect. the right build, the right height, the right amount of hair, in the right places. he does need to possess any bad habits. he needs to have a job, and most of the time it better be a good one, and he needs to be living in his own home, and preferably already paid for. have you ever even considered if you found that perfect man what use he would have for you?
is this modern day romance? it kinda like the microwave version i guess. you start with something that you assume you know what it is, and just pop in for a short time. how often though do you get it out, and it wasn't what you really wanted it to be?

whatever just happened to meeting people with no expectations? two people meet, and get to know each other over time. to me that is romance. taking the time to get to know somebody has it's rewards. all of us have a side of mystery to us, and it takes a lifetime to figure a person out, if we ever do.
why do we judge each other so harshly? have we really been hurt that bad in our past that were incapable of love anymore? we say that were looking for a loving relationship, but it's got to be on our own terms straight from the git go.
if were old enough, most of us has had a great love experience in our past. for one reason or another it didn't last. the guy usually says that it was her fault, and the girl usually says it was his. there is some truth usually in both those views. all you need to do is be standing on the outside looking in to see it. i guess this must be the human nature of that past great relationship, because we never let fully go of it. we keep trying to hold on to the best parts while building a new relationship with somebody else. that just sets up your new partner for failure from jump street. the same applies to people in abusive relationships. they are terrified that the same will happen again, so they limit themselves, and thus they limit their partner.

like i said, i read the post on cl for giggles. i find great humor in a sick kind of way when i read them. some on these expectations are so unrealistic. by now some of you smart women are thinking that I'm just pissed off to begin with......... congratulations!!!......... i am, then again I'm not either. what I'm pissed off about is not what you probably think it is either.
although, i don't qualify for what most women say that they want:   my hair is a balding grey. I'm built for comfort, and not speed. that means that I'm fat!! my vision is not as good as it once was, and my teeth are getting really bad. i don't have a good job. actually i don't have a job at all. i don't even own my own home. that's my downside. now here is my good side. I'm caring, and loving, and i have this over-sized tender heart. I'm kind to most people and animals. even though, I'm a red neck, and talk like one,  I'm smart. I'm not looking for an easy way. just my own way. i know who i am, and I'm emotionally secure. (most days)
the thing that pisses me off is the fact that most women can't, or wont look beneath the surface, and see what I'm really like. they want the complete package up front, and i simply don't qualify in that way. then again, maybe that's a good thing also. maybe that's the way that it's meant to be. maybe that's saving me a lot of heartache and time.

every now and then i will read a post from a woman that's looking for a friend first. she will not make a list of requirements. something tends to impress me about a post like this. in my naive heart i think that she might be genuine, so i send a reply to her. out of those few that I've replied to I've never had one to answer back.
ha!!............what i do for cheap entertainment and giggles, I've got caught up in!! the illusion of confusion has over taken me, and I'm thinking that it could be real.   yep,..........that's right,..............I'm foolish eat up sometimes!!  actually, sometimes i get lonely, and fall prey to my own mind and heart.

OK,...........don't think that I've forgot about all you fire-breathing females that are mad at me right now. this paragraph is for you. i do love you girls!! i think that the right woman was one of God's greatest gifts to man.  y'all provide so much more to the right man than sex. you are truly a blessing if we men will treat you right. women rock!!
i was only bringing out the point of dealing with Craigslist looking for a true relationship. even if you have been one of those that has placed post on cl, there is still hope for you. i just know that what I'm looking for, and need in my life, will not be found on that list. i need to break it down to the basics, and drag my ole grumpy tail out in public, and start socializing.  that's has been the way before all this high tech stuff come along. it worked well then, and i reckon that it will work now.

motorcyle, bicycle, and respect?

what a day?  ain't life good?.......awe nothin' special happened today. i just made it through another swelterin' summer day, or is it still spring?  yep, ......it is. summer don't start for another 11 days. hold on tight, because it's gonna be a hot one!!

those of y'all that know me. i mean really know anything about me. now I'm not talking about those that know me because of my world wide fame as the writer of this blog that nobody reads. those that i actually love, and you love me back in spite of my terrible faults. those are the ones that I'm talking about!!

when i was a much younger man i used to ride a motorcycle. i love to ride a bike. i rode one every where that i went. no matter what the weather was. cold, sun, rain, night, or day. i know back all those years ago that most people had no respect for a guy riding a bike. although, i was buck wild and didn't deserve any respect because of the way that i drove myself. i should have never been allowed to ride, because i rode like every ride might be my last!!

years have passed since then, and today i ride a bicycle. i ride it because i got into trouble drinking, and driving too many times. state law enforcement put a stop to me drinking and driving for good. it's not that i still can't drink and drive. it's the very high price you pay today if your caught. i would rather ride my bicycle than spend my life in prison.
I've thought about sending a letter to the editor of the Florida Times Union. that's the newspaper here in Jacksonville. I've wanted for a long time to let those who drive here with no consequence to me, have it good!! I've never done it..........yet,.so I'm gonna write a blog about it.

you know that all the drivers here aren't that bad. actually, there are quite a few that i need to applaud  for excellence in driving skills. it seems though that all it takes are a few jerks to give a bad rep to the rest of them.
the same goes with people riding bicycle's. I've seen some totally stupid stunts from people riding bikes. i actually was following a couple young girls riding bikes on the sidewalk. every time they would come to an intersection they would just cross without thinking.  keep in mind that they were heading west, and all the traffic was coming from the west. all these cars at the intersection was looking to the west, and not to the east to pull out on the main road.
these girls made me cringe just watching them. they like to got hit at two intersections, and finally did at the third one. the girl wasn't hurt, but the good Lord took her bike from her that day.
OK,.......i will admit that some people are just too stupid to be in public to begin with, little lone riding a bicycle, or in control of anything.

most of the major roads here have a bike lane. a lane specially built for bicycle travel. if I'm not in the bike lane then I'm on the sidewalk.  I'm amazed at the amount of people that try to see how close that they can get to me. hopefully without out hitting me!! then there are those that like to throw things at me, and shout derogatory things. i remember one man that leaned as far out of his window shouting at me, " get out of the road you moron!!" i was in the lane designed by the state for me to ride in. now,....who is the moron here?
 these people don't realize that I'm highly nervous already, because i have the responsibility to not run in front of anybody.
have you ever thought of the mental pain that a person would suffer if they ran over me just because you threw something at me, and i swerved in front of another driver? do you realize the amount of law suits that could be brought against you for one stunt?
i reckon there is a reason that they call it a sidewalk. i respect all those that are walking on it. anytime there is a woman, no matter what the age, i get off. if i can't get off which is rare, i just stop. i do the same for kids, and the elderly. the sidewalk was built for humans to travel on, but it's great for bikes when it's clear.

I'm a defensive rider. i don't challenge anything that moves. i guess that i have to be that way, because I'm an easy target. i look all directions while I'm passing through an intersection. people have been know to run red lights, and emergency vehicles can appear from nowhere..
anytime that I'm riding through a parking lot i have to be especially cautious. i don't know if it was the thrill of shopping, or rage caused by standing in the check out line.  maybe it's just the tightness of the quarters, and more blind spots, but people act crazy in the parking lots.

I've always been curious about the horn blowers. some people will get right behind you and lay down on their horn. this confuses the heck out of me. I'm thinking that something is wrong, and I'm about to die. some folks just toot their horn, and i realize that they are saying that they are there, and want me to be aware that they are there. that's cool, but those that blow the hell out of the horn i don't understand!!
i ride my bike anytime that i go anywhere, so I'm fully legal. I've got lights on the front and back. I've got mirrors, reflectors, and reflective tape on my bike. i am aware of my surroundings a good 98% of the time. i wish that i could say 100%, but sometimes i get distracted.

maybe road rage causes people to disrespect me. I'm really not sure what does it, but i don't care for it at all. i just want people to show me respect when i ride my bike. then again, some people don't respect anybody. they do the same to people walking. they throw stuff at them, and cuss them. never considering that those people are doing what their doing for a reason. nobody, or few people walk, or ride a bike in the freezing cold, or blistering heat, because of the joy of it. however, some people will exercise in these conditions..

if you are one of these terrorizing  numb nuts that act this way to other people, why don't you just stop, and talk to them. ask them why they are doing it. then put yourself in their shoes. maybe you should put your mother, or grandparents in their shoes.
we are all human, and we have a story behind everything that we do. once you talk to them, and know what the deal really is, maybe you can do something  positive to get them off the streets that you claim as your own!!

there must be a reason there is a full mark.........

hey y'all!!  let's talk today about man stuff. particularly about mowers and grass.   OK,............i need to clarify that statement. I'm talking about the kind of grass that grows in your yard, and not the kind that our government want legalize, and tax for the good of our countries welfare!!   damn stupid politicians!!

about three years ago we needed a new lawn mower. i had been keeping the grass cut with anything that i could from sling blades to weed-eaters. ( yep,.....i got one of those trophy scars from a weed-eater.)
I'm not your typical man when it comes to shopping. i do a lot of investigative study before i seal the deal. i compare prices, features, read articles from other owners to get the most bang for my buck.
our yard in like a mini golf coarse. it full of sand traps, bunkers, and water hazards at the right time of year. it mostly produces weeds, but where there is grass it tends to  grow hard and fast.        no,...........i didn't factor this info in on my great investigative study, but i should have.
all in all, i made a pretty good choice. i bought a 22' troy built self-propelled mulching mower, with big wheels in the back. the first year it ran like a cat that you had took a dry corn cob to his behind, and poured turpentine on it.
the second year it had slowed down quite a bit. i wound up disengaging the drive completely, because it's easier to push that way since it no longer had any pulling power on it's own. i could have just replaced the belt, but it was much easier to push through the sand traps. all the maintenance i ever did on it was just change the air filter, oil, replace the plug, and put a new blade on it every year.
if you have never lived in the desert or Florida, you probably don't even imagine the damage that sand does to metal . now take that piece of metal, and speed it up to a few hundred r.p.m., and you have the same effect as sand blasting!!
it took me a while to realize this fact also. once i ran over a plastic bread bag, and instead of obliterating it to shreds, it just was flopping around. i cut the mower of, and tilted it back to get the bag, and i was amazed by what i saw. i know understood why i wasn't getting the full cut that i once did. over half my blade was gone!! where did it go, and why?             honestly,..........i think that I'm pretty smart about most things, but this had me puzzled. i talked to a buddy of mine that's lived here for a while, and he confirmed that the sand had taken it, one revolution at a time!!
the only sand that i ever saw living in bama was when folks would come down here on vacation, and steal it from the beach's. the would take it back to bama with good intentions of building their kids a sandbox to play in full of original Florida beach sand. the bad thing was that every cat in a three mile radius honed in on it, as their favorite litter box!!!                 getting back to my story now............

i guess that it's time to get a new one. I'm just hoping that this one can make it through the summer. which can last up until November on a good year. well,..........at least it takes the grass the long to stop growing.
this year the mower has been plagued with all kinds of difficulties. it now has the carburetor being held to the frame with a wire clothes hanger. ( high Alabama technology )
it used to start with one pull, and twice on difficult days. now it requires a lot of yanking, and taking the air filter off to prime it. once you get it running if it ever acts like it's gonna die, all you have to do is pull a screwdriver out of your back pocket, and tap on the carburetor bowl, because the floats stickin'.

fortunate for me, i have one of those really high tech buddies that say that they can fix anything. i bet y'all have one of them also. sure enough he fixed it. he tore the carburetor to pieces, and put it back together again. that was after he couldn't figure out why i had used red neck technology with the wire coat hanger, and he set it free,..................really free. he cut the wire, and the carburetor feel to the deck!!
he said that he would cut the grass this time, just to make sure that the mower ran properly. i saw him check the oil, and i was shocked when he put oil in it. i have never known for the mower to need any oil. he pulled the crank until he was about to pass out, and decided to prime it.   ( humm.......i thought he fixed it )finally the mower started, and i got my grass cut for free.

i started to cut the yard Monday.  the mower ran rough, and smoked a lot, but i need to get the yard cut.
then suddenly it happened...........the mower quit, and as it set there, more and more smoke bellowed from it!! i thought that it was on fire, but i couldn't see any flames!! i could smell the smell of plastic burning mixed with oil. i just stood there watching smoke boil from my mower.
i really can't imagined what i looked like to my neighbors that were getting their mail at the time. the seemed all concerned that the mower might blow up with all the smoke coming from it. i just smiled at them, and said, naa,...........if your really concerned you wouldn't be standing here, so just enjoy the show. how many times has you ever saw this much smoke coming from a mower?  after all that i assumed it was dead.
 I've spent the last three days trying to correct his genius. he put way too much oil in the crankcase. it was blowing oil through the carburetor, and the muffler. i was shocked when it stared the next day. i figured that was the last time that it would have ever ran.
i know that after all those issues that there has to be some major damage with it somewhere., but I'm gonna try to fix it. i cleaned out the air filter that was drenched in oil. I'm in the process of changing the oil , because that oil in it, looks like hell. i drained it well, and refilled it. then I'll start it, and let it run for a few minutes. then I'll start the process all over again. hopefully tomorrow the oil will be clear and clean, and i can start over with the yard.

i reckon that i'm greatly a fear'd.................

i guess that men are just the different species, but i really don't know. i guess that i should just say that I'm a different species. i know more about myself than any other man on this earth.  the reason being is that men, real men, just don't seem to worry about the same things that the women do.
I'll give you an example: if a man is doing something, and cuts himself. he will usually just wipe the blood away until it stops bleeding, or just let it settle, and seal the wound.
a woman, on the other hand, if she just gets a scratch, i'm talking about a scratch with little or no blood involved , will stop whatever she is doing. she does this because to her it's a big deal. she heads immediately to the medicine chest, and gets a hand full of items. she starts with a cleaner, then several other items, and ends with a bandage.
i do appreciate when they do this to themselves. i think it's great to have a woman with smooth, soft, unblemished skin. anytime you see a scar on a woman, it had to be something bad that caused it to happen.
on the other hand, when a man does something to himself, and a woman sees it happen, she heads into action.
i don't understand this. it's good that they do this to themselves, but i think it's a waste of time to act this way with me. I've got more scars of my body that most folks can count. they is a few of them that i call trophy scars. if you ever make the mistake of asking what happened, you best sit back and get ready to hear the story behind it. the bad thing is that most of them came from sheer stupidity, and hurt like hell at the time. however, today they have become a conversation piece for me to try to attract you, and let you know how stupid i was,  smiling the whole time.

i love women. they were truly God's gift to man. some of them are to teach you what you don't need in life, and some of them, the special ones, to make us the best that we can be. a good woman can change a man's world for the better. a bad choice will make a man wish that he was never born!!
my best friends are women. most of all my friends are women that i talk, and confide in, on a regular basis. the bad thing for me is that i don't usually have but one, or two at the time that have earned the highest rank of my trust.
i don't understand why, but they seem to take breaks from Mr. illusion of confusion. the good thing is that don't usually do it at the same time, and i can never know when it's gonna happen, and how long it will last.

this week has been a new experience for me, both my girls are staying away from me. maybe i should just look at it as a vacation, but i reckon that I'm greatly a fear'd that i have nobody to share the things with, of my everyday life!!
I'm talking about the madness of my everyday stuff. the kinda of stuff that's not worthy of writing in a blog. the stuff you just tell those you trust to keep your sanity partially intact. the stuff that actually means nothing to nobody but you, but these most trusted friends make it personal to them.
this week has been extra full of madness. it might be blog worthy later on, and I'm sure that i will, but today i just need to filter it through one of my friends.

i guess what i really need to be doing is telling these women how much they really mean to me. maybe i don't do it enough, and they might have forgotten. my sanity is totally dependant on and,at least one of you being in my life at all times.
maybe they are growing tired of my crap to begin with. i know that i can be a strain on most people. maybe i need to find someone else to tolerate my stuff now. I've probably pushed these two into a breaking point of their own.
the really bad thing is that i don't feel either one of these women can be replaced!! a lot of people in my life are expendable. most people are actually. i replaced all the people in my life so many times that it's not even funny, but not these two though, and they are very special to me in entirely different ways.
well,........what to do now?   I've stated my story as best that i could. i don't have any idea what else to say. i guess that i will simply give these girls the break that they deserve.
i just hope that i have some sanity left when they come back!!

i love the rain

man, i love a Sunday evening!! this one is no exception either. it's been an unusual week to say the least, and I'm looking forward to kicking back, and writing more nonsense in this blog, for nobody to read. I'm not sure why i would want anybody to read this to begin with.
the main reason being is that I'm no writer. I'm just a frustrated county boy from bama that some how wound up in the second largest city in the united states. that should be enough to frustrate most normal folks, not that i qualify for normal either. one day I'm gonna get bold enough, or crazy enough to write the adventure that got me here. if i would learn to write better, i could write a book about my travels from bama to Florida. more than likely nobody would read that either.
the second reason is because i really don't write anything that the majority of people would waste their time reading. although, it's therapeutic for me to clear my head every once in a while. the good thing is that i get a chance to heal without offending anybody else.
now what the heck was i talking about?......................seriously?

I'm a Pisces. the sign of water. more than that I'm a good Pisces, and very typical. anything that you've ever read about a Pisces being, then I've got a read bad, double case of it!! here is a little about me.

 Powerfully emotional, intuitive, creative and caring, the Pisces man is sensitive and often your most trusted friend. Often exceptionally attractive, his most endearing traits are his humility and love of romance.
Spiritual, mysterious, imaginative and idealistic this man is one of the dreamers of the zodiac. He senses and feels things which other less sensitive folk miss, making him perhaps seem a little psychic at times. This can be applied in many directions, for example he may be a natural emotional healer, creative artist or astute businessman.
The symbol for Pisces is two fish moving in opposite directions, which represents the conflicting desires of flesh and spirit. This is a battle of self indulgence versus self denial, and balancing these two forces is no easy task. Some Pisceans are attracted to drama, art, creativity or fantasy in an attempt to escape from the gritty reality and frequent disapointments of life.
The Pisces man often is of the view that the best route to finding inner peace is to give to others, and in many respects this is the most generous and selfless sign. Highly sympathetic, compassionate, self-sacrificing, intuitive and unassuming, he may absorb emotions from the environment around him, often becoming happy or depressed based on the mood of others. As such he may do far better when with optimists than pessimists. He tends to give a piece of himself to anyone he loves, and gets a lot of satisfaction from helping and serving others.
He is more likely to think with his heart than his head, tending to dislike confrontation or hurting others in any way, and often having difficulty saying no, or leaving bad situations or relationships. At times he prefers to just ‘go with the flow’ and friction of any kind may drain his energy.
The net result of these traits is sadly that the Pisces man is easily taken advantage of and manipulated by the uncaring, which can create a vicious cycle of lowered self worth and increased need for approval typically from the very people who are bad for him. For this reason although he typically makes an attractive lover to most other signs, he is compatible with relatively few.
One of Pisces greatest life lessons is to learn to be a little selfish, in order to better choose who deserves their help and love. In this way they can transform from a martyr to the strong, to a savior of the weak.

OK,............i might have stretched it a little bit, because I'm not all that attractive, but otherwise, I'm a serious Pisces. sometimes being a Pisces has got me into trouble. I'm a dreamer at heart, and often have trouble separating the reality from the fantasy. when I'm in a bad situation i tend to go into my own little world of complete safety. leaving behind the utter chaos that started me on this trip to begin with inside my mind.

stop this madness..............now!!  I've already told y'all, and let y'all in to my inner working enough!!..............now that you know how sensitive that i am,..............I'm moving on!!

you see how my mind works?...............i brought out the point that I'm a Pisces to say something else. i was going to say that it rained today, and i love when it rains!! i get es-tactic when it rains. I'm an old man that loves rain so much that i get out, and play in it. i take pictures of it falling from the sky. i love the way that it cleans the air, and makes everything fresh again.  i love the way that it brings life back into those that are in the process of dying, and refreshes those that aren't,...........yet.

did i say that i love when it rains?

my life has changed so much over the years. i used to look like a long haired, bandanna wearing hippie with an earring in my ear. excuse me?...............no silly it was in my left ear,........................are you crazy!!
now a days i keep my hair cut short...........real short. probably because the most part of it is gone now, and it's wonderfully skipped salt and pepper,  and gone to grey and white, mostly white. I'm kinda fond of having white hair, but my beard is salt and pepper, and my eyebrows are mostly black. i save lots of money, because i cut it myself now. shampoo, and conditioner prices have dropped dramatically also. i use conditioner mostly in exchange for shaving cream. it makes shaving real smooth. actually, it's the best thing that I've ever used!! here's a shout out to the women that shave their legs with conditioner!! if they hadn't thought of it first, i never would have!!

OK,...............time for me to disappear for a while now. I've said too much foolishness for now. I'll be back in a bit to let y'all in on some more of my madness of my everyday life....................much love!!!!!!!!!!