what's that?

oh,...............so you say that it sucks to be me.

i wouldn't know that though, because i've always been me. i know that i've changed a bit over the years, but i've always been stuck inside this body. there are several things that i've not had that most people do. on the grand scale of life i might be what most folks consider to be a loser. actually, i probably am.

i've never owned my own home, and i've never owned a new car. actually, most of the things that i have owned was owned by somebody else before me. i've never had the same job, but a few days over three years. i've never had a relationship for much over three years either. that was about the maximum limit that women could tolerate me.

the more i write tonight the more i see that i am a loser!!                now,..... what do i do?     i'm 47 years old now, and i look at least ten years older than i am. my body is almost worn out. i have all kinds of physical problems, and you all know how mentally shot out that i am. i have nothing left but two bags of clothes, and no where to store them. i have no where to call home. i have no job, and no life.

yep,..............that's right,.............i may be a loser, but i wont apologize for it!! i've been this way for all my life, and don't have a clue how to change it.
there is one thing that this loser has going for him. i do have a burning desire to survive!! i'm not sure where this comes from either. if i could just lay down and die, i would surely take that option.
 committing suicide is not an option though. it's not been since my buddy killed himself several years ago. he was the best male friend that i ever had. he let life overwhelm him thought. it's not like i don't have a 99.9% fool proof plan, because i do. hell,............i'm on enough medication for blood pressure to do it. i take three different kinds everyday. not to mention the muscle relaxers, and pain pills that i take everyday for my back problems.
i know that my greatest strength comes from my belief in God. although, ...here lately my faith is failing. my faith in God is failing. not the fact that He has let me down. i'm the one that has been drawn away with the cares of life.  in my minds eye, and in my heart and soul i know that my relationship with the God of my understanding is truely my salvation. i'm not really concerned with offending anybody with my belief in God. it's my belief, and my faith. i don't want push it on anybody, but it is what i truly believe in.
i really don't hold tight to any religion. Jesus,........Himself talked about the corruptness of religion. He warned people not to get caught up in that madness. He simply said,.............believe!!

i guess this is the bottom line...................i never knew that i was a loser, until i was told that i was.  i guess that's the best that i can ever hope to be. i really don't mind being one, because that what i'm used to being.  the sad thing is that if i could go back and change my life from being a loser into something else deemed more important.......................i wouldn't change a thing!!             that simple act would change everything!! that means all the people that i've met, and all the ones that i have truly loved wouldn't have ever existed in my life.
i had rather continue on this path of being a loser than lose just one that meant something to me in my life!! yeah,........that's right!! i have enjoyed my life, because it's the only one that i've ever known. i have a sneaking suspicion that i'm fixin' to write another chapter in it. it's not over yet. there will be new characters, and new events to talk about, but it's not over just yet.

i need to thank the ones that made this whole thing possible. you know who you are. you are everybody that i have ever met.  i hope to take some of y'all into the next phase with me. there is a few that i need to leave behind, and you probably know who you are also.

             love y'all!!......................mister illuson of confusion.

what the hey?

just a bunch of babble for my last post from my own computer.  there will be more, but I'm not sure how long that it will take me to start going to the library to write them. i know that i will though, because this has become my window to the world.
most of y'all don't recognize this. how could you if i didn't tell you? i am so shy that at times it can be painful. it took a true act of God for me to even write this Lil' bit, or anything.  i live my life as at least two different people at all times. the reason being that i got bored with just being myself. i had to spice it up, so i thought that i would let a couple more characters inside of me venture out. honestly, i don't have a clue of the numbers of what's running around inside of me.  i made this major move a couple years ago, and there seems to be more inside of me that i ever realized.
I'm not sure if this a mental sickness or not. actually, i don't even care. i just know that I've always had more that one person trapped inside of my body, and i didn't start to enjoy my life until i let them all run wild and free. i needed to get a handle on this madness, and i think that i have. I'm actually a very complex, and complicated person. I'm just glad that i figured this out before i drove myself insane. maybe I'm insane now. i really don't know. you decide, because I'm generally happy with what i have to work with.

do y'all realize why i have that picture of me on the front of this blog?          ha!!             that's the bad side of myself, and i love that picture!!  there is nothing bad about me!! i realized years ago that my badness was a facade. i don't really have a mean bone in my body. I'm timid, and shy for the most part, but if you corner me something evil will come out. i don't allow most folks to even get me to that point. my true hearts desire is to not show any aggression toward another human being, or animal. i love to be at peace with all my surroundings, but sometime people can't allow that to happen. there is nothing weak about me. I'm kind, and show love because it makes me happy. I'd rather be happy as miserable. wouldn't you?
the strange thing is that I've battled with my personality(s) for most of my life, and I'm a slow learner. i finally figured out that i have many personalities trapped inside of this one body. it was up to me to set the ones free that i was most comfortable with dealing with. actually, i don't hold any of them back, but i have the choice to set the one in motion that most beneficial at the time.    kinda sounds like i learned to think for myself in a positive way............don't it?  i have fought a major battle just to get to this point. does it mean that i have finally arrived?                   nope,................sorry,......................it just means that I'm now playing father in the game of life, that i have ever before played. I'm still years behind most people my age, and thank you Lord Jesus,............ I'm ahead of a few!!
you see,...........most of my life has been a struggle, and I've been failing up unto this point. actually, I'm still failing. i just realize that this is a personal victory,...........so far. I've just passed a point in my life that I've longed for so long. does this make me something special?              not in the least!!  it just makes me victorious over a long sought battle. I'm winning this battle of life slowly, and one step at a time.

we are are winners in life if we choose to be. we all fight different battles everyday. sometimes it takes us longer with a certain battles that it does others. in my experience all we have to do is keep heading in the right direction, and just don't give up. just strive to do the next right thing, and eventually you will win!!

this is positively the last blog that i will write from the comfort of my home. my life is so screwed up right now. i don't belief that I'm that much different than most of you. i believe that were all very complex people. i believe that we all have several different personalities trapped inside out bodies. maybe we don't? maybe I'm just a psycho on the lose? the thing is that if anybody reads this that feels like i have there is a solution. we can learn how to manage all these creatures that invade our bodies. we can learn how to control them in our best interest. we can make them work for us, instead of against us.

maybe i just have a demon possession going on inside of me? maybe i am different from the rest of the world? maybe i just need to be locked up in the white room for the safety of others and myself, but i really don't think so. i believe that I'm just as normal as most people are, and i really don't think that is not saying much.
I'm trying to spread a message of love, and how could that be wrong? what I'm saying is control all those evil creatures that possess your body, and be set free to live the kind of lives that you really want to live. take a chance, and set the goodness that you possess inside of you, and tell those that you care about that you love them. this worlds has enough evil, and hatred in it that i don't need to contribute a word to it, and you really don't either. 
the only way that we can change the world that we live in is by changing ourselves. we need to be what we really are inside. you never know the lives that will be effected simply by just being who you really are.

ok,......................much love to ya'll!!  i mean this from the bottom of my heart!!

ooops,............sorry,...............i fudged!!

i need to apologize because i was wrong. i couldn't see any hope because i was blinded by severe depression, and stricken by extreme grief.  I've been to close to my own situation to see any thing, but my own failures. after reading my last blog it made perfect sense. if i could not bring a message of hope with most of what i write, then why write at all. I've always been fond of sharing my life with y'all, and it's actually been good for me. i know that it's not really exciting, but it has opened my eyes to a few things.
i also signed off until the day came when hope would finally arrive.  the truth is today that hope did arrive, but it didn't come in the way that i was looking for it to arrive.
something has changed since i wrote that last blog. i reckon that i finally pulled my head out of my ass, and started to look around. i saw the most amazing thing................people. just because my life has flopped it didn't seem to effect them. they continued to live their lives exactly the same as always. they drive like hell up beach blvd, and up the dirt road that i live on. the only difference is that the ones on my road smile, and wave at me right before they cover me with dust and dirt.
people still shop, and waste all kinds of money on things to make them feel good. some are very nice, and some act like they were abused by their parents, or the wolves that raised them. I've saw all kinds of people riding bikes, mopeds, skateboards, skating, and walking. there were all headed to a destination, because life goes on.
i must admit that with my current state of mind, and the loneliness of wallowing on my own pity pot, i was quite upset by their reactions.  did these people not care that my life had been reduced to a state of misery?  wasn't there even one that would have some pity on me?  could not even one give me some positive feed back on a bad situation?

then it donned on me...................no,..............no they couldn't. the reason being why they couldn't was because they don't even know me. they don't know what's going on in my life. i don't share the events of my life with but just a small handful, and the readers of this blog, and nobody reads this.
 the honest truth is that i live the life of a recluse. when i go out in public i put on a false mask. i can walk around the grocery store, walmart, or any store talking with strangers like i had know them my whole life. i would do this at work when i worked for the Salvation Army. i was a hell of a salesman, because i was friendly, and that's all it takes to sell things. people know what they want to begin with. there is no pressure needed.
it's a totally different story at home, or around my neighborhood. it isn't that I'm not friendly, but i am quite anti-social. i speak to all my neighbors, but I've never had a real conversation with any. i know each one by face, and they know me the same way.
 i stay in my own room most of the time. I've got everything i need in that room, but a fridge and toilet. those are the only two reasons that i need to leave my private asylum.
the problem is that i have trust issues with most folks. this is just one of my mental issues, and i don't think that it's really gonna get any better. if you are one of those that I'm open with then that means you are very special to me. you have managed to do something that most people, i want even allow to do, and that is to get close to me.

I've got way off track as usual. i said that i found hope, and i did. it's in others hope. right now any hope will do. the fact that others are still continuing on living their lives give me hope. the world has not come to an end. ( not yet anyway, but Obama is still working on it!!!)  nothing has really changed other that my life, and it has to be from poor management. i can see where my poor choices have caused this to happen. it goes farther back to my bad choices that i made around three years ago. i took a sorry job with no benefits, because i didn't want any responsibility. i didn't know the events that would follow, but hind sight is 20/20.

i have fought with this radical change for a while now. nothing that I've done has stopped it. i have slowed it down a little, but still no reversal. I'm going into unknown territory. i have no idea what fate lies before me, but i have no choice but to head into it with an open mind. there has to be something good covered up by this disaster. I've really had a bad year this year, and nothing has worked out in my favor.
thinking back over the last couple years a lot of folks have lost everything that they had. people have went from having homes, and good jobs, to living in the streets or missions. some of these people lost more than I've ever had to begin with.               still,..............everything,............is everything.
 i do feel that the ones with more have suffered a greater loss than i have. i couldn't imagine having family out in the streets. i didn't have much going for me to begin with, but i was really comfortable with what i did have, and i feel blessed to have had it.
I'm still full of questions of why, but why doesn't really matter. all i need to do know is just continue to hold my head up, and face the music in front of me. if i keep the right attitude,..............just maybe I'll be able to dance to that music!!

                                                                          i love y'all!!

i give in to what ever has a hold of me..........

I've not been known as a quitter, but i give up. I'm not even sure what that means right now either. I've become the biggest failure on this earth, and i can't take even one more. everything that I've even tried to do this year has went straight to hell, and i can't take anymore.
i started writing this blog to get even better at my life. i know it's not the blog doing this, but i can't continue to write in such misery. if i can't tell tales of a good life then why tell any tales at all.
i don't need a perfect life. i know that it comes varied, but this is ridiculous. i never felt like such a loser in my life. i have failed at all, or at least most attempts that I've made this year.
until farther notice, when my life gets not so corrupt as it is now, i will cease to write anything at all. if i can't have a message of hope, then this is worthless!!
this is Mr. illusion of confusion signing off until a better day arrives!!

this is it

wasn't Michael Jackson's last hurrah named the same?             hopefully, I'm not going to follow his suite.   I'm really planning on to continue to write this lil' diddy, because it is so good for me. it keeps in contact with a world that really doesn't give a damn about me.
i have blood family that doesn't care, and i have people that i truly love that don't care either. you know,.........that's alright. if nobody really cares about what happens to me, it don't change the fact that i do!! it's took me several years to transpose myself into something that i could love, and i think that was a pretty good start. I'm sorry if I'm still just a big o' asshole, but I'm still work in progress.
enough of this,............i have new madness to expose!!

i was hoping to sell my computer today. i will have no use for it after tomorrow anyway. i did sell my window ac unit today, so I'm sitting in a puddle of sweat pecking these words out to you. i have loved to peck out the words that describe the important things in my life.  speaking of important things,.................I'm gonna take a pause for the cause,..............and go cook my last meal here in this house. all of a sudden i have this craving for au gratin potatoes, left over mac & cheese, and some BBQ pork. I'll finish this in a while,..........or not. it depends on what i really want to do on the last day in my home!!

hey,..........i did make it back!! i forgot that i had green beans a couple days ago, and i plan to finish them off tonight.

i was supposed to buy this six man tent from a guy in mayport today, but the bus schedule didn't work in my favor. i went to walmart instead , and bought my new home. i went into the woods the other day and found me a place to set up camp. all i need is to do a little shovel work on the ground underneath my tent, so it will be smooth enough to sleep on. this is not my first rodeo!! I've been here before, but i realized the other night that it's been 18 years.
I've been kinda busy today wiping out the proof that i ever had a life. i deleted all my private documents on my computer, and every picture that I've taken over the past six years. i need to go ahead and wipe out all the music on it also while I'm at it.

tomorrow should be a busy day for me. i need to get up early,..............hey,................i said that i need to,............ain't like i will,..............i really like sleeping in my bed!!               anyway,...........tomorrow I've got to set my campsite up, and take my stuff down to it. the rainy season has finally started in my neighborhood, so I'll have to work around it. I've got to decide which clothes that i take, and which i leave behind. actually,.........i should just take them all, and wear the ones first that i can just throw away.
i am ashamed to admit this, but i have clothes hanging in my closet, and stuffed in my drawers that still have the tags hanging on them. honestly,.........i think that's a damn shame!! the clothes that i like to wear are worn slap out. i am a creature of habit.
the good thing about having a tent is that i don't have to leave a lot behind. well,..............actually i do, but i can take everything that i use kinda regularly. it will be safe until some human decides that i have too much left, and takes it from me. they will just have to wonder up on my campsite though. i realized that homeless folks don't have friends for a reason. you can't never trust a person enough to bring them into your home.
being homeless with a little stuff is totally different from having nothing. a man with nothing has nothing left to lose, and having a little left means that you have everything to lose.
the worst thing about being homeless, or what society calls being homeless is the fact that if your not careful you will accept that as your way of life. you will get so use to living this lifestyle that you lose all connection with the real world. you withdrawal from the common folk, and accept your way of life as being right. you become extremely paranoid, and delusional. there is no trust left inside of you. all those good things that once made up who you are  have vanished.
i bet your wondering how i can say these things? it's simply because I've been almost at this point in my life before. i thank God that He snapped me out of this cycle just in time. i truly hope that He has the same compassion on me this time!!
I'm not sure why my life has come to this point anyway. I've tried to do the right thing, and I've tried to accept people as they are. I've tried to not be too judgemental of others. basically,............I've tried!!    no,...........I'm having a hard time accepting this, but I've ran out of options. maybe i need to go gracefully into that cold dark night? i think that I've kicked, and screamed enough.

anyway,............back to what i was saying.......................tomorrow should be busy for me. once i get all my stuff carried down i need to come back, and wash all my dirty clothes one last time. there shouldn't be anything left here but them, and my bed linen. i might just sleep here once more tomorrow. nobody really expects me to move out tomorrow anyway. plus, i need to sell my computer. i want to leave this home on my own terms. that's the way that i moved in it, and that's the way that i would prefer to leave. there are not but two others still living here. the crackhead left today. it broke my heart that he didn't even think enough of me to say bye!! just joking!!................he knew that i didn't like him to begin with, and i held him partially responsible for the downfall of this house, but not my personal downfall. i did that without anybody's help.

i think that I've said enough for tonight. i might not post again for a while, but i will post again. to all those that i love,................i still love you. i only wish that u could have been better toward me in my time of desperate need. i only wanted to continue our conversation like it once was. i never wanted anything more than you just being my friend. I'm truly sorry that was too hard for you to do, but i still love you, and i do understand, or at least I'm trying to understand.
this is mr. illusion of confusion signing off for now, wishing you all, peace and happiness!!