I'm really grateful that i was born in this country. just being born here set me up for a higher advantage than if i was born in any other. America was founded on principals directly from the word of God, so He had to bless us richly, or He would make a liar of Himself.
we have come a long way as a nation. we have made some mistakes, and learned from them. we moved on into greatness. we take care of our own, and branch out into the rest of the world to help in times of great need. we have went and fought on foreign soil to set free those that are oppressed. we have feed people that live in barren lands, and educated them to feed themselves. we have sacrificed ourselves going to disease ridden lands taken much needed medication , so others can live. we've done all this and so much more.
this is a great country!! we offer refuge to all those that seek it. something however has changed. most of us has elders that came to this country from other ones. they all have to take a test if they wanted to be citizens of our nation. we even helped them pass that test, and best as we could. all we required was to have some basic knowledge of our history. be capable of supporting themselves . speak one common language, and pledge allegiance to the united states of America.
what happened to that one simple rule? do we not enforce it any longer? why is Spanish becoming the second language of our country? don't get me wrong, i have no problem with the Latin culture. i think that they are beautiful, peaceful people. they tend to stick to themselves, and don't cause problems usually.
there is one problem though. most refuse to communicate in the language of the nation. this is America, and we welcome them to work, and live here, but wasn't the language a part of the deal?
another problem is went they put a strain on our economy by living of welfare. shouldn't Americans have needed to pay into this program to receive benefits from it?
like i said before, in America we take care of our own, but why are we taking care of those that are here illegally? quite a few have slipped over the border, never paid any taxes, and don't work, or at least don't pay taxes on the work that they do, and live off welfare.
i think for the good of this country that we should have a national exodus day. all those that are here that don't belong here, we should do one more good thing for them, and send them back where ever they came from to begin with. then welcome them back with open arms if the decide to come back like every other immigrant has in the past.
i love living here. there is nowhere better that a person can live. as Americans we stick together. we vote on our nations leaders, and the majority rules. what we want as a nation, or who we want as a nation to lead us is solely based on our wishes. we can change most thing just by saying that we want a change.
i got to give a shout out to our current president of our country Barrack Obama. the first black president of the united states of America. he has over come so many obstacles in his run.
you know that being from Alabama, and growing up in a predominantly white neighborhood, i have no problem with a black president. especially, if he were voted in by my fellow Americans. I'm an American, and i stand behind the power of the vote. i do think that William h Cosby, better know as bill Cosby would have made a better choice.
i think that Americans were deceived in their vote. i don't think that Obama qualified to be the president. the first election in the history of the U.S., and why couldn't we know for a fact that he was born in this country? it don't take much to qualify for president, but being born here is one requirement.
my second problem with barrack is the fact that his who family is devout radical muslims. the apple don't fall too far from the tree. he claims that he is a Christan, but if i claimed that i was a muslim would it make it true? how can a christian nation support a president that acts like a heathen? he is anti-God on several issues. I'm sure you remember who God is, and the role that our founding fathers placed on Him in the establishment of our nation.
the worst terrorist attack on U.S. soil was on 9-11-2001. does anybody remember that? it was orchestrated a devout radical muslim. just the name of barrack hussein Obama should have sent fear in the hearts of the American voters.
like i said before, i am an American. i hold fast to what the people of this country wants. i realize that we made a mistake, and the best that we can do is learn from it, and do better next time.
one more thing: our founding fathers new the importance of God in the lives of Americans. they also realized the importance of freedom of religion. in this country you are free to choose what you believe in with no adverse consequences. God is every where in our documents. He is all over our money. He is the original thought behind the beginning of this country. a really high percentage of American say that they believe in God.
I'm really confused. if so many believe in God, then why are we letting a few take Him away from us? if only 51%, said that God is the basis of this country, then the 51% would rule!!
our country is going to hell quick. God is not allowed anywhere any more. can't pray in public, nor in the schools. look at the mess that's caused in our school systems. God is not allowed in our courtrooms anymore. are we actually saying that we are smarter than God now, and don't require any guidance from Him?
how did all this happen? can't we take back our nation, and allow God to continue to bless us? we once were know as a super power, and know we are known as a failing nation. the rest of the world is laughing at us. we once were looked up to for our level of intelligence, and highly revered as a well sought after friend and ally, and now we have become the laughing stock of the world. the real problem is that were just to damn smart to realize what we're missing.
God bless America, but why would He? hell,............we are smarter than He is now!!! we can only hope, and pray that He will have mercy on us.
www.billofrights.org
Sunday, May 30, 2010
Friday, May 28, 2010
yeah,..............i admit it..........
when you are kids the grown folks are always asking you what you want to be when you grow up. depending on how old you are at the time you might have said different things. when your really young the effects of being a fireman, or police officer might be your answer. as you get a little older the life of a football player, or a rock star might be more appealing to you.
i know that i had big dreams, but they changed as often as the wind changed direction. i don't think that there was nothing that i didn't want to be, or accomplish in my life. for the life of me there was one thing that i never considered, or ever heard anyone else say. in all my life i never heard anyone say that the wanted to be severely addicted to alcohol or drugs. damn the luck though, that's exactly what i should have said. if i had said that i would have been correct in my call for my life.
I've often wondered why i was this way? what had i done to piss my creator off to the point that he cursed me with this affliction? i kept on asking these questions for about 40 years. i knew something was wrong with me. i knew that i was not your average bear, and i would die a horrible death, before i wanted to die. i had saw people that had this going on in their lives, and they were the loneliest people on the earth. i was doomed to create havoc in my life, and all those that i ever would touch.
all i had ever saw in the life of people like me was total misery. their families had long given up on them, and they had become a social outcast. they could only function at best, with their own kind, and most of the time they couldn't even tolerate them.
i spent about 20 years doing the treatment scene. i went from one form of treatment to the next. i failed at every attempt that i made to rectify my life. i was sure that i was going to die a lonely broken man way before my time.
one day something clicked inside of me. i started to notice that there were millions of people just like me, but they were free from the bondage that the alcohol, and drugs once had them bound with. i had tried my best to get free with the most popular programs that they had to offer, with no success. i had heard at the meetings that i needed to use what works for me, and simply leave the rest. all of a sudden it started to make sense.
i thought that i was a special case. i thought that God had cursed me in a way that i could never over come this affliction in my life, but this was just the illusion of confusion in my life.
now, the things that I'm fixing to say are of my opinion only. what ever works for you, simply works for you. i have no problem with whatever that is, and i wish you well in your recovery.
the a.a., and n.a. programs are good, but that wasn't enough for me. i had to re-think this thing, and find something that worked for me. i had become desperate, and i was willing to find a solution, no matter what it took.
the popular programs had a serious side of spirituality. i thought that maybe that was what i needed the most, and i was right. i needed to let my higher power set me free from this madness. am i saying that I've become a Jesus freak? not hardly, but i do recognize Him as my key in getting sober finally. do i go to the meetings? nope,.......but i still live by the principals that they teach. do i think that I'm special, and it was just my time to get it right? nope,...........not at all, because it has taken me some serious work to accomplish what I've accomplished so far,and I'm still learning every day.
do you really want to know what my solution was? seriously? you might find this hard to believe, but i was my own solution. the programs, and the Bible teach the same thing.
i had to come to believe several things. first thing that i had to trust something else with my life. i had already screwed it up, and that there was no hope for me fixing it. i had to learn to live again. forgetting everything that i thought that i had know before, because it apparently wasn't working out for me. then i had to try to straighten out my past, as best as i could. knowing that simply saying that i was sorry would never be good enough. i had to show a sincere effort to correct the wrongs that i had done, and leaving the results up to the God of my understanding.
most people will not understand what I'm saying here, but that's alright. only one person needs to understand it, and I'm not even sure who that one is. it's truly meant for the one that has suffered enough, and is ready to change it.
i find it hard to believe sometimes that what i thought was a curse on my life, actually turned out to be a blessing in disguise. now i know. now i know that my body can't tolerate the luxury of putting alcohol and drugs into it. i don't have the same reaction to them as a lot of people do. i can't even take the smallest drugs, without an adverse reaction to them, somewhere down the line...........now i know that i can't tolerate drugs in any form, and that is such a relief. if you can't do something, you simply can't do it!!
yeah,..........it's true. i am a person plagued with what is known as a disease, but i don't suffer any longer from it. the really good thing is that it only took me 40 years to find my solution. i rarely do this, but i believe this is an important cause. i don't feel that anybody should go through the hell that I've went through. if you have any questions, or comments, this one time I'm gonna give you my e-mail address. it's crmlyjms@yahoo.com . please contact me for anything that you need concerning your addiction problems. if i can't find a solution for you, i am willing just to talk with you until you figure out what will work in your life.
yeah,...............i admit it,.................I'm addicted to alcohol, and drugs, and that was the best thing that ever happened to me!!........................now i know!!!
i know that i had big dreams, but they changed as often as the wind changed direction. i don't think that there was nothing that i didn't want to be, or accomplish in my life. for the life of me there was one thing that i never considered, or ever heard anyone else say. in all my life i never heard anyone say that the wanted to be severely addicted to alcohol or drugs. damn the luck though, that's exactly what i should have said. if i had said that i would have been correct in my call for my life.
I've often wondered why i was this way? what had i done to piss my creator off to the point that he cursed me with this affliction? i kept on asking these questions for about 40 years. i knew something was wrong with me. i knew that i was not your average bear, and i would die a horrible death, before i wanted to die. i had saw people that had this going on in their lives, and they were the loneliest people on the earth. i was doomed to create havoc in my life, and all those that i ever would touch.
all i had ever saw in the life of people like me was total misery. their families had long given up on them, and they had become a social outcast. they could only function at best, with their own kind, and most of the time they couldn't even tolerate them.
i spent about 20 years doing the treatment scene. i went from one form of treatment to the next. i failed at every attempt that i made to rectify my life. i was sure that i was going to die a lonely broken man way before my time.
one day something clicked inside of me. i started to notice that there were millions of people just like me, but they were free from the bondage that the alcohol, and drugs once had them bound with. i had tried my best to get free with the most popular programs that they had to offer, with no success. i had heard at the meetings that i needed to use what works for me, and simply leave the rest. all of a sudden it started to make sense.
i thought that i was a special case. i thought that God had cursed me in a way that i could never over come this affliction in my life, but this was just the illusion of confusion in my life.
now, the things that I'm fixing to say are of my opinion only. what ever works for you, simply works for you. i have no problem with whatever that is, and i wish you well in your recovery.
the a.a., and n.a. programs are good, but that wasn't enough for me. i had to re-think this thing, and find something that worked for me. i had become desperate, and i was willing to find a solution, no matter what it took.
the popular programs had a serious side of spirituality. i thought that maybe that was what i needed the most, and i was right. i needed to let my higher power set me free from this madness. am i saying that I've become a Jesus freak? not hardly, but i do recognize Him as my key in getting sober finally. do i go to the meetings? nope,.......but i still live by the principals that they teach. do i think that I'm special, and it was just my time to get it right? nope,...........not at all, because it has taken me some serious work to accomplish what I've accomplished so far,and I'm still learning every day.
do you really want to know what my solution was? seriously? you might find this hard to believe, but i was my own solution. the programs, and the Bible teach the same thing.
i had to come to believe several things. first thing that i had to trust something else with my life. i had already screwed it up, and that there was no hope for me fixing it. i had to learn to live again. forgetting everything that i thought that i had know before, because it apparently wasn't working out for me. then i had to try to straighten out my past, as best as i could. knowing that simply saying that i was sorry would never be good enough. i had to show a sincere effort to correct the wrongs that i had done, and leaving the results up to the God of my understanding.
most people will not understand what I'm saying here, but that's alright. only one person needs to understand it, and I'm not even sure who that one is. it's truly meant for the one that has suffered enough, and is ready to change it.
i find it hard to believe sometimes that what i thought was a curse on my life, actually turned out to be a blessing in disguise. now i know. now i know that my body can't tolerate the luxury of putting alcohol and drugs into it. i don't have the same reaction to them as a lot of people do. i can't even take the smallest drugs, without an adverse reaction to them, somewhere down the line...........now i know that i can't tolerate drugs in any form, and that is such a relief. if you can't do something, you simply can't do it!!
yeah,..........it's true. i am a person plagued with what is known as a disease, but i don't suffer any longer from it. the really good thing is that it only took me 40 years to find my solution. i rarely do this, but i believe this is an important cause. i don't feel that anybody should go through the hell that I've went through. if you have any questions, or comments, this one time I'm gonna give you my e-mail address. it's crmlyjms@yahoo.com . please contact me for anything that you need concerning your addiction problems. if i can't find a solution for you, i am willing just to talk with you until you figure out what will work in your life.
yeah,...............i admit it,.................I'm addicted to alcohol, and drugs, and that was the best thing that ever happened to me!!........................now i know!!!
blood is thicker than water?
i need to write some about my family. the first thing is that i don't believe that i was ever meant to be. when i was born my mother was 30, and my father 50. i can't even argue the fact of them being in their right minds either, because i knew that both of them had their problems. the fact that there was 20 years difference in the age is a good clue. they both had trouble with alcohol although, i never seen it in mother until much later in life. i guess that i got my problems honest. it came from both gene's. i have suffered needlessly most of my life from addiction, but i don't hold my parents responsible, or lay any of the blame on them.
i was the only boy in my family. mother already had three daughters before i was born. sadly the first suffered crib death early on. the other two are 10-12 years my senior.
because they had a different father makes them my half-sisters. I'm just setting the record straight. i have in no way ever saw those girls as half anything. they have always been my sisters, as far as I'm concerned, and will forever be.
I've not always treated them right. actually, I've been really bad toward them, and more so as I've gotten older. I've just never been what a brother should be to them, but i have always loved them. i never learned how to show it right.
my life of addiction has led me to feel much guilt and shame for my past actions. it's a totally embarrassment at times the way that i have acted towards them. it got so bad that i finally just took myself out of the picture. i thought that would be the cure that i needed.
let the record show that my sisters never judged me because of my actions. they have tried to talk with me several times, and guide me back in the right direction, but i was so much smarter than them. i was the alpha dominate male, and nobody need to try to tell me anything. ....yep,..........that's right,................i was a fool!!
i need to get back to my daddy now. i never really knew my father. him and mother divorced when i was really young. i don't understand why, but mother put a great fear of him in me. if i saw him riding down the road i would act like somebody was fixing to kill me. the few times that he would try to visit, i would literally piss in my pants from fear. i was a mess whenever his name came up.
all this didn't happen until a couple years after the fact that mother refused to let me see him. there were times that i would go spend the day, or night with him. we didn't do much, but it always seemed that he was taking me around to show me off.
daddy had two daughters before with another woman, so i had two other half-sisters. they were around 30 years older than i was. for some reason that always kept throwing up the phrase, blood is thicker than water. i always thought that they were talking down about my mother. i was too young to realize if they really were, but it still threw a red flag up.
years had went by without me seeing my father. i was a full blown man sitting in the county jail the next time i saw him. i had been in there for almost two weeks because of my problems with addiction. when i heard a frail voice calling out the name jimmy......jimmy crumly. i peeked out of my cell, and saw this old man standing there. he said to me, do you want to go home? nobody called me jimmy since i enrolled in grade school. they said that my name was James, and that was what there were gonna call me.
i just laughed at him while cussing, and said that he must have the wrong guy, and who the hell are you to begin with? he said, boy don't you even recognize your own daddy with a tear in his eye. the sad thing is that i didn't. it had been so long since i saw him, but i no longer feared him either.
he got me out of jail that day, and mom was waiting in the lobby to take me home. that experience of daddy getting me out of jail was awkward to say the least. i wasn't sure what to do, or how to act, but i wanted to get out.
on the ride home mother started saying that it might be time for me to get to know my father. that i should spend sometime with him, but only if i wanted to get to know him. it was my choice, and she just wanted me to know that.
there was really some bad blood between my parents, especially mom. i did spend some time with him, and was getting to finally get to know the man that i had feared most of my life, and then he died. just my luck huh? he was turning out to be a pretty good feller, and more understanding than i ever though possible.
getting to know daddy for the first time in my life, brought the rest of his Klan back into the picture also. his mother, my grandma, died shortly after he did. his people didn't tell grandma that daddy had died for a couple months after. she was 104, and still functioning well. the news of daddy's death made her grieve herself to death. daddy was her baby child.
then there were my half-sisters. they thought just because that daddy and i had started over, that they could tell me what to do, and how to act. they kept naggin' me about getting married, and having a male child to carry the family name on. i was their last hope for another generation to exist. i made a decision that it was time to stop the madness!! time to end the curse, so others can live!!
in my mind i can still hear them saying, blood is thicker than water, over and over again. yes,...........it might be true in some ways, but all those folks that they were referring to as water. those are the ones that i call my true family. those are the ones that i was raised with, and have always loved me, even when i wasn't lovable. the ones that never turned their back on me, even when i turned mine on them. in my book a little disrespect goes a long way also, and to disrespect those that i love goes the farthest!!
just so you will know, i don't have any hard feeling against my mother or father. things just happen in all of our families. there is always a black sheep in a family. daddy was the one in his, and as far as i can tell, mother was in hers. i know that i personally have the one in mine wrapped up.
we all make mistakes, and we all have things handed down out of our control. we all have things that we regret doing on the way in life. if you never made a mistake then you have never done anything at all, and ha!!,...........that was a mistake to begin with!!
i think that the key to my life, and hopefully somebody else can relate to this is the fact that we can't take ourselves to seriously. we need to learn to love, and laugh along our journey. we need to be quick to forgive others, because that makes it so much easier to forgive ourselves. if we want true friends then we have to be a true friend to others. invest in the life's of others richly, and you will always get a great return in the time of your darkest moments.
i guess that i have proven a valid point though. blood is thicker than water, but love is thicker than all!!
i was the only boy in my family. mother already had three daughters before i was born. sadly the first suffered crib death early on. the other two are 10-12 years my senior.
because they had a different father makes them my half-sisters. I'm just setting the record straight. i have in no way ever saw those girls as half anything. they have always been my sisters, as far as I'm concerned, and will forever be.
I've not always treated them right. actually, I've been really bad toward them, and more so as I've gotten older. I've just never been what a brother should be to them, but i have always loved them. i never learned how to show it right.
my life of addiction has led me to feel much guilt and shame for my past actions. it's a totally embarrassment at times the way that i have acted towards them. it got so bad that i finally just took myself out of the picture. i thought that would be the cure that i needed.
let the record show that my sisters never judged me because of my actions. they have tried to talk with me several times, and guide me back in the right direction, but i was so much smarter than them. i was the alpha dominate male, and nobody need to try to tell me anything. ....yep,..........that's right,................i was a fool!!
i need to get back to my daddy now. i never really knew my father. him and mother divorced when i was really young. i don't understand why, but mother put a great fear of him in me. if i saw him riding down the road i would act like somebody was fixing to kill me. the few times that he would try to visit, i would literally piss in my pants from fear. i was a mess whenever his name came up.
all this didn't happen until a couple years after the fact that mother refused to let me see him. there were times that i would go spend the day, or night with him. we didn't do much, but it always seemed that he was taking me around to show me off.
daddy had two daughters before with another woman, so i had two other half-sisters. they were around 30 years older than i was. for some reason that always kept throwing up the phrase, blood is thicker than water. i always thought that they were talking down about my mother. i was too young to realize if they really were, but it still threw a red flag up.
years had went by without me seeing my father. i was a full blown man sitting in the county jail the next time i saw him. i had been in there for almost two weeks because of my problems with addiction. when i heard a frail voice calling out the name jimmy......jimmy crumly. i peeked out of my cell, and saw this old man standing there. he said to me, do you want to go home? nobody called me jimmy since i enrolled in grade school. they said that my name was James, and that was what there were gonna call me.
i just laughed at him while cussing, and said that he must have the wrong guy, and who the hell are you to begin with? he said, boy don't you even recognize your own daddy with a tear in his eye. the sad thing is that i didn't. it had been so long since i saw him, but i no longer feared him either.
he got me out of jail that day, and mom was waiting in the lobby to take me home. that experience of daddy getting me out of jail was awkward to say the least. i wasn't sure what to do, or how to act, but i wanted to get out.
on the ride home mother started saying that it might be time for me to get to know my father. that i should spend sometime with him, but only if i wanted to get to know him. it was my choice, and she just wanted me to know that.
there was really some bad blood between my parents, especially mom. i did spend some time with him, and was getting to finally get to know the man that i had feared most of my life, and then he died. just my luck huh? he was turning out to be a pretty good feller, and more understanding than i ever though possible.
getting to know daddy for the first time in my life, brought the rest of his Klan back into the picture also. his mother, my grandma, died shortly after he did. his people didn't tell grandma that daddy had died for a couple months after. she was 104, and still functioning well. the news of daddy's death made her grieve herself to death. daddy was her baby child.
then there were my half-sisters. they thought just because that daddy and i had started over, that they could tell me what to do, and how to act. they kept naggin' me about getting married, and having a male child to carry the family name on. i was their last hope for another generation to exist. i made a decision that it was time to stop the madness!! time to end the curse, so others can live!!
in my mind i can still hear them saying, blood is thicker than water, over and over again. yes,...........it might be true in some ways, but all those folks that they were referring to as water. those are the ones that i call my true family. those are the ones that i was raised with, and have always loved me, even when i wasn't lovable. the ones that never turned their back on me, even when i turned mine on them. in my book a little disrespect goes a long way also, and to disrespect those that i love goes the farthest!!
just so you will know, i don't have any hard feeling against my mother or father. things just happen in all of our families. there is always a black sheep in a family. daddy was the one in his, and as far as i can tell, mother was in hers. i know that i personally have the one in mine wrapped up.
we all make mistakes, and we all have things handed down out of our control. we all have things that we regret doing on the way in life. if you never made a mistake then you have never done anything at all, and ha!!,...........that was a mistake to begin with!!
i think that the key to my life, and hopefully somebody else can relate to this is the fact that we can't take ourselves to seriously. we need to learn to love, and laugh along our journey. we need to be quick to forgive others, because that makes it so much easier to forgive ourselves. if we want true friends then we have to be a true friend to others. invest in the life's of others richly, and you will always get a great return in the time of your darkest moments.
i guess that i have proven a valid point though. blood is thicker than water, but love is thicker than all!!
a lil' slice of heaven
i reckon i grew up the same as most kids in my generation and location. i spent most of my time in this huge house located in downtown Geraldine. please don't get confused about living downtown, because it's probably not what your thinkin'.
even though it was downtown it was still country. out next door neighbor had a small farm, and raised chickens for a major cooperation. they always shared their goodie's from their garden with us. this man loved to fish, and would always come by and show the bounty that he caught. sometime he would clean the fish, and just bring us a mess of them..............what ever happened to having real neighbors?
my yard was full of wonder and excitement for me. we had two very old oak tree's in the front. they were so big that they shaded the entire front yard. i had a chain with a car tire attacked to it for a swing in one of them. i used to sit in that swing for hours on end, caught up in a world of thought, and imagination. that swing was my ticket to space, flying jets, and time travel.
there was another large tree in the yard towards the side. it was a Formosa tree. it had beautiful blooms on it every spring. it was fairly large also, and the best tree for climbing. i spent a lot of time up in that tree. i could climb really high in it, and i would set there for hours drifting back and forth to places that i could only imagine in my mind. anytime mom would get to looking for me, she usually just went to the bottom of that tree, and looked up. i never drifted away from my yard, but sometimes you would have to take a good look for me.
growing up poor people i grew up in the best place possible. my yard was nothing but a wonderland. my favorite toy ever must have been a table spoon. i would sit out under one of the oak trees, and dig with that spoon. i have a huge area dug out where i would excavate the ground, and build things like forts, on a small scale.
I'm thinking maybe to an adult the back yard might have been more impressive, but not to me. the back yard was filled with fruit trees. we had apples, peach's, plums, and a large grape vine that supplied grapes for us, and several of our neighbors. if your heart desired blackberries, there were plenty to be found in the back corner.
when it rained i still could go out, and sit on one of the three porches that we had. the back porch was enclosed, so it wasn't much fun. we had a porch on the side that ran half the length of the house, and the front porch ran the entire width of the house. our house had no gutters, and a roof made of tin. when it rained hard water shot off from every direction. have you ever lived in a house with a tin roof? if you have you know that when it rains it makes such a racket that it drowns out the t.v., but it can make for a peaceful nights sleep, at the same time.
i grew up in very simple times, and my life was not complicated at all. i used to have this vivid imagination, and often wonder what happened to it? i remember laying out in the field on my back watching the clouds form shapes before my eyes in total wonderment. like was much better before somebody told me that i had to grow up.
even though it was downtown it was still country. out next door neighbor had a small farm, and raised chickens for a major cooperation. they always shared their goodie's from their garden with us. this man loved to fish, and would always come by and show the bounty that he caught. sometime he would clean the fish, and just bring us a mess of them..............what ever happened to having real neighbors?
my yard was full of wonder and excitement for me. we had two very old oak tree's in the front. they were so big that they shaded the entire front yard. i had a chain with a car tire attacked to it for a swing in one of them. i used to sit in that swing for hours on end, caught up in a world of thought, and imagination. that swing was my ticket to space, flying jets, and time travel.
there was another large tree in the yard towards the side. it was a Formosa tree. it had beautiful blooms on it every spring. it was fairly large also, and the best tree for climbing. i spent a lot of time up in that tree. i could climb really high in it, and i would set there for hours drifting back and forth to places that i could only imagine in my mind. anytime mom would get to looking for me, she usually just went to the bottom of that tree, and looked up. i never drifted away from my yard, but sometimes you would have to take a good look for me.
growing up poor people i grew up in the best place possible. my yard was nothing but a wonderland. my favorite toy ever must have been a table spoon. i would sit out under one of the oak trees, and dig with that spoon. i have a huge area dug out where i would excavate the ground, and build things like forts, on a small scale.
I'm thinking maybe to an adult the back yard might have been more impressive, but not to me. the back yard was filled with fruit trees. we had apples, peach's, plums, and a large grape vine that supplied grapes for us, and several of our neighbors. if your heart desired blackberries, there were plenty to be found in the back corner.
when it rained i still could go out, and sit on one of the three porches that we had. the back porch was enclosed, so it wasn't much fun. we had a porch on the side that ran half the length of the house, and the front porch ran the entire width of the house. our house had no gutters, and a roof made of tin. when it rained hard water shot off from every direction. have you ever lived in a house with a tin roof? if you have you know that when it rains it makes such a racket that it drowns out the t.v., but it can make for a peaceful nights sleep, at the same time.
i grew up in very simple times, and my life was not complicated at all. i used to have this vivid imagination, and often wonder what happened to it? i remember laying out in the field on my back watching the clouds form shapes before my eyes in total wonderment. like was much better before somebody told me that i had to grow up.
Thursday, May 27, 2010
God's country................part 1
yep, ..............that's right,............as far as i can tell, ............i grew up in God's country!! i spent most of my childhood life in a place called sand mountain in Alabama. actually, i spent all my childhood life there. it wasn't until i became an adult that i was blinded by unrealistic dreams of life better somewhere else.
i really don't remember a lot of my childhood events, but i could not have ask to have grown up in a better place. i grew up on a country mountain. life was slow and easy. i can still remember things like the smell of bacon in the morning air.
the things that I'm about to say are not meant to be offence to anybody. it's just the way it was. i didn't cause it to be that way. it was just that way before i was even born.
everybody knew everybody in my small town. there were no city buses. if you car was broken down, and you needed to go anywhere, you just started walking. there was no need to stick your thumb out to catch a ride. since everybody knew you there were plenty offers for a ride. some folks would simply take you where you were going, no matter what their plan was to begin with. if you were headed to the grocery store somebody would take you, and shop with you then take you back home. the only people that ever stuck their thumb out was misplaced, and didn't understand a thing about southern hospitality.
i went to a school where every student in that town went, grades 1 through 12. the school bus would pick us up in the morning, and drop us back off that evening in the same place. if we needed to ride to a different place that evening, you had better get it straight with the driver that morning. the driver knew each one of us by name, and where we belonged.
i can't recall the trouble going on at school like it is today. did we take guns to school? well,...........yeah, but they weren't loaded,. we were just a bunch of rednecks showing off the guns that we owned. we were proud to have them, and everybody we showed them to looked with amazement, and not fear. i learned to shoot because of my buddies at school took the time to teach me. always at their house, in an open field.
i can't remember going to school without a pocket knife. back then we would do something that used to know as" whittlin.'" we would take a stick, and shave it down to nothing. sometimes we would play a game called stretch, and when we had a couple of risk takers, they would play mumble peg.
we never even thought about cutting anybody, little lone stabbing them. we fought all the time without doing any real damage to each other. at the first sign of blood we knew who the winner was, and before two hours had passed, we were better friends than we started out as.
my entire area was made up of white folks. we didn't have any other culture that lived there. I'm not really sure why, but i would guess that the elders kept them all run off. i never even saw a black person in person until i was nearly an adult. i wasn't taught to hate then either. a popular myth from my region. how could i hate something that i was never exposed to being around?
i know that there was the Klan active where i grew up. like i said before, they were there before i was born. i never heard of them lynching a person either. they just done their rituals. they must have had the easiest time hating a group of people that i had never seen.
i just set the background on my childhood. i can't possibly even get into the good times that i had coming up in this letter. there was so many that i couldn't possibly tell them all right now. i feel that this is important to allow y'all to understand a bit more about me.
i will continue to tell this story until I'm satisfied that I've let y'all into the heart of the man that has come to be know as Mr. illusion of confusion.
i really don't remember a lot of my childhood events, but i could not have ask to have grown up in a better place. i grew up on a country mountain. life was slow and easy. i can still remember things like the smell of bacon in the morning air.
the things that I'm about to say are not meant to be offence to anybody. it's just the way it was. i didn't cause it to be that way. it was just that way before i was even born.
everybody knew everybody in my small town. there were no city buses. if you car was broken down, and you needed to go anywhere, you just started walking. there was no need to stick your thumb out to catch a ride. since everybody knew you there were plenty offers for a ride. some folks would simply take you where you were going, no matter what their plan was to begin with. if you were headed to the grocery store somebody would take you, and shop with you then take you back home. the only people that ever stuck their thumb out was misplaced, and didn't understand a thing about southern hospitality.
i went to a school where every student in that town went, grades 1 through 12. the school bus would pick us up in the morning, and drop us back off that evening in the same place. if we needed to ride to a different place that evening, you had better get it straight with the driver that morning. the driver knew each one of us by name, and where we belonged.
i can't recall the trouble going on at school like it is today. did we take guns to school? well,...........yeah, but they weren't loaded,. we were just a bunch of rednecks showing off the guns that we owned. we were proud to have them, and everybody we showed them to looked with amazement, and not fear. i learned to shoot because of my buddies at school took the time to teach me. always at their house, in an open field.
i can't remember going to school without a pocket knife. back then we would do something that used to know as" whittlin.'" we would take a stick, and shave it down to nothing. sometimes we would play a game called stretch, and when we had a couple of risk takers, they would play mumble peg.
we never even thought about cutting anybody, little lone stabbing them. we fought all the time without doing any real damage to each other. at the first sign of blood we knew who the winner was, and before two hours had passed, we were better friends than we started out as.
my entire area was made up of white folks. we didn't have any other culture that lived there. I'm not really sure why, but i would guess that the elders kept them all run off. i never even saw a black person in person until i was nearly an adult. i wasn't taught to hate then either. a popular myth from my region. how could i hate something that i was never exposed to being around?
i know that there was the Klan active where i grew up. like i said before, they were there before i was born. i never heard of them lynching a person either. they just done their rituals. they must have had the easiest time hating a group of people that i had never seen.
i just set the background on my childhood. i can't possibly even get into the good times that i had coming up in this letter. there was so many that i couldn't possibly tell them all right now. i feel that this is important to allow y'all to understand a bit more about me.
i will continue to tell this story until I'm satisfied that I've let y'all into the heart of the man that has come to be know as Mr. illusion of confusion.
why facebook?
i bet your wondering why a redneck from bama would care anything about face book? that's a good question, and if you figure it out, please let me know.
seriously, for the longest time i avoided face book, and denied any request to be a part of it. one day that changed. they had something that i needed, and the only way to access the information was to be a member myself.
i thought this is a no brainer!! I'll just contact this person then wipe face book out of my memory, and off my computer.
i need to go back to a really tough time in my life. yep,........that's right,.............it was a girl!! no just any girl though. that once in a lifetime event that you just piss off in the wind, and spend the rest of your life kickin' your butt, and asking a lot of what ifs.
i spent over three years with this one, and it should have been a lifetime. i was simply a hell cat with a fire cracker tied to his tale. in other words, i was too stupid for my own good.
anyway, i ran away to Florida, and had no contact with her in around 20 years. the last time i had talked with her she had got married. her husband didn't really appreciate the humor in me calling collect, and drunk at two o'clock in the morning either. he must have really had an impact on me that night, because that was the last time that i did that!!
i had spent several years trying to find her again. i had one minor problem. i didn't know her last name. often i would google her maiden name with no results. then one day something popped up on google. she had a face book page, and thus why face book.
i was as nervous as a long tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs the first time that i wrote her. i knew that i had really screwed up with her. i didn't even know what her reaction would be to me contacting her. the only thing that i knew for sure was that i had to try. this girl was special. she was my first love.
she contacted me back really quick. i had sent her my e-mail address. i remember sitting there just looking at the letter for hours before i could even open it. this was the moment of truth.
i couldn't blame her for anything that she might would say though, but i had great fear to look. i kept thinking that maybe i shouldn't have contacted her at all. maybe i had put her through enough misery in my past, and should have just left it alone.
i finally opened the letter, and started to read her thoughts. to my surprise she had been looking for me also. she didn't hold any of that bad blood that happened at the end, against me. she wanted to know what I've been doing for all these years, and was telling me about her life.
we have been talking for several months now. i am relived that she doesn't hate me. i needed for that to happen so i could let go of my past, and start the long over due process of healing.
she is still married to that guy from years ago. one day i ask her if he still hated me as much as he did that night on the phone. she just replied.............yep,.............sure enough!!
oh well,...............you can't make everybody like you. even though i have no ill intentions toward this man, he does have something that i value very much. he has my first love, and i guess that he should have her, because he seems to make her happy. as long as he gives her what she needs in this life, i would never even try to come between them.
i had my shot, and i had an excellent Chance to have made it a lifetime event. i screwed up, and i paid my price. now all the what ifs that i wondered about for so long have turned into the reality of what is. there is no illusion of confusion with this girl anymore.
seriously, for the longest time i avoided face book, and denied any request to be a part of it. one day that changed. they had something that i needed, and the only way to access the information was to be a member myself.
i thought this is a no brainer!! I'll just contact this person then wipe face book out of my memory, and off my computer.
i need to go back to a really tough time in my life. yep,........that's right,.............it was a girl!! no just any girl though. that once in a lifetime event that you just piss off in the wind, and spend the rest of your life kickin' your butt, and asking a lot of what ifs.
i spent over three years with this one, and it should have been a lifetime. i was simply a hell cat with a fire cracker tied to his tale. in other words, i was too stupid for my own good.
anyway, i ran away to Florida, and had no contact with her in around 20 years. the last time i had talked with her she had got married. her husband didn't really appreciate the humor in me calling collect, and drunk at two o'clock in the morning either. he must have really had an impact on me that night, because that was the last time that i did that!!
i had spent several years trying to find her again. i had one minor problem. i didn't know her last name. often i would google her maiden name with no results. then one day something popped up on google. she had a face book page, and thus why face book.
i was as nervous as a long tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs the first time that i wrote her. i knew that i had really screwed up with her. i didn't even know what her reaction would be to me contacting her. the only thing that i knew for sure was that i had to try. this girl was special. she was my first love.
she contacted me back really quick. i had sent her my e-mail address. i remember sitting there just looking at the letter for hours before i could even open it. this was the moment of truth.
i couldn't blame her for anything that she might would say though, but i had great fear to look. i kept thinking that maybe i shouldn't have contacted her at all. maybe i had put her through enough misery in my past, and should have just left it alone.
i finally opened the letter, and started to read her thoughts. to my surprise she had been looking for me also. she didn't hold any of that bad blood that happened at the end, against me. she wanted to know what I've been doing for all these years, and was telling me about her life.
we have been talking for several months now. i am relived that she doesn't hate me. i needed for that to happen so i could let go of my past, and start the long over due process of healing.
she is still married to that guy from years ago. one day i ask her if he still hated me as much as he did that night on the phone. she just replied.............yep,.............sure enough!!
oh well,...............you can't make everybody like you. even though i have no ill intentions toward this man, he does have something that i value very much. he has my first love, and i guess that he should have her, because he seems to make her happy. as long as he gives her what she needs in this life, i would never even try to come between them.
i had my shot, and i had an excellent Chance to have made it a lifetime event. i screwed up, and i paid my price. now all the what ifs that i wondered about for so long have turned into the reality of what is. there is no illusion of confusion with this girl anymore.
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
duh,.................i knew better!!
what do y'all do with you time when your bored? usually I'm fairly constructive with mine, but every now and then i jump off the deep end. actually, i rarely get bored. i always have something to do, or i simply choose to do nothing.
however, the other day i was just chillin', and this totally demonic thought seared through my brain. i though how cool it would be to have one of those cartoon avatars of myself. i did what i always do with no hesitation, and set google on the hunt. i don't even remember what google came up with, or how many different sites.
i read over the site, and saw what all it had to offer. i did have some hesitation, but quickly clicked on the download button. it didn't take long for myself to be working on my cartoon avatar. the whole thing was a bust. i guess that people that look like me don't make cartoons of themselves.
although, i got the bald hairline pretty much down, nothing else was working out. they had wrinkles, but not where mine are located. my body looked like i actually cared enough to be in shape, instead of my shape of built for comfort, and not speed. i can't believe that they didn't have a fat button!!
who would have thought that this 80's style goatee that i wear was a thing of the past either? my little fat nose with a cut crossed it couldn't be found also. i wound up with something that wasn't funny or entertaining.
even as disappointed as i was, i found the fortitude to delete this off my computer...............immediately, strange things started to happen to which i was all too familiar with from my past. my zone alarm had all this stuff that wanted to access the Internet. things i never had saw before. fortunately, i knew what was going on, and denied them a chance to grow.
i ran my spyware program, and it found 49 different things associated with that web site. i ran my anti-virus, and i had two virus's. i went into my registry, and deleted anything associated with that madness.
i was confident that i had wiped out the horror of having an infection. i trust my anti-virus, and spyware programs, and have never had a problem with either.
i clean my computer everyday. yesterday, i thought that i would run my spyware program again while i was gone. i came back in, and there were 36 more infections related to this cartoon drawing madness from hell!! what the heck? usually once something is gone,............it's gone!!
what kind demons produce this crap, and hide it into programs? why do they do it? I'm not stupid enough to spend any money on getting rid of them, when there's good programs for free that will do it. sometimes you just have to dig deep to find them.
however, the other day i was just chillin', and this totally demonic thought seared through my brain. i though how cool it would be to have one of those cartoon avatars of myself. i did what i always do with no hesitation, and set google on the hunt. i don't even remember what google came up with, or how many different sites.
i read over the site, and saw what all it had to offer. i did have some hesitation, but quickly clicked on the download button. it didn't take long for myself to be working on my cartoon avatar. the whole thing was a bust. i guess that people that look like me don't make cartoons of themselves.
although, i got the bald hairline pretty much down, nothing else was working out. they had wrinkles, but not where mine are located. my body looked like i actually cared enough to be in shape, instead of my shape of built for comfort, and not speed. i can't believe that they didn't have a fat button!!
who would have thought that this 80's style goatee that i wear was a thing of the past either? my little fat nose with a cut crossed it couldn't be found also. i wound up with something that wasn't funny or entertaining.
even as disappointed as i was, i found the fortitude to delete this off my computer...............immediately, strange things started to happen to which i was all too familiar with from my past. my zone alarm had all this stuff that wanted to access the Internet. things i never had saw before. fortunately, i knew what was going on, and denied them a chance to grow.
i ran my spyware program, and it found 49 different things associated with that web site. i ran my anti-virus, and i had two virus's. i went into my registry, and deleted anything associated with that madness.
i was confident that i had wiped out the horror of having an infection. i trust my anti-virus, and spyware programs, and have never had a problem with either.
i clean my computer everyday. yesterday, i thought that i would run my spyware program again while i was gone. i came back in, and there were 36 more infections related to this cartoon drawing madness from hell!! what the heck? usually once something is gone,............it's gone!!
what kind demons produce this crap, and hide it into programs? why do they do it? I'm not stupid enough to spend any money on getting rid of them, when there's good programs for free that will do it. sometimes you just have to dig deep to find them.
Sunday, May 23, 2010
r u confused?
i'm sure by now that y'all don't have a clue if i'm mentally stable or not. about half of you are convinced that i'm a fruit loop, and the other half is not quite convinced yet.
with all that being said, let's switch gears for a minute, and let me tell you more about why i write this blog.
this is my first attempt of writing anything that will go in the public eye, so i'm just writing all foolishness as it pops into me head. the really sad thing about this is the fact that everything that i write is true. i don't ever even think that anybody that actually knows me will ever read this, unless i tell them that it exsist. however, i don't really care who reads this at all.
i enjoy the freedom of being myself, and if i have anything to hide, it's buried so deep within that it's not going to come out anyway. i'm probably one of the most honest folks that you will ever meet. i don't try to hide, or cover up who i am. i'm just like the rest of the world. i go through a range of emotions everyday.
however, i am intrigued by life in general, and the human influence on it. there is several uniquie things about the human body that nobody else has the same. dna, fingerprints, etc. so i'm going to assume that even though we can be compared to each other, there is something unique that each of us bring to the ring of life.
have you ever felt like you were just a little different from those around you? get real now. do you really think that were all from one carbon copy?
since this is my blog, and nobody has beat my door down threatening me yet, i believe that we were all created in the image of God. that's what i really believe, and your wasting precious time, and breath if you plan to convince me otherwise.
with all that being said, let's switch gears for a minute, and let me tell you more about why i write this blog.
this is my first attempt of writing anything that will go in the public eye, so i'm just writing all foolishness as it pops into me head. the really sad thing about this is the fact that everything that i write is true. i don't ever even think that anybody that actually knows me will ever read this, unless i tell them that it exsist. however, i don't really care who reads this at all.
i enjoy the freedom of being myself, and if i have anything to hide, it's buried so deep within that it's not going to come out anyway. i'm probably one of the most honest folks that you will ever meet. i don't try to hide, or cover up who i am. i'm just like the rest of the world. i go through a range of emotions everyday.
however, i am intrigued by life in general, and the human influence on it. there is several uniquie things about the human body that nobody else has the same. dna, fingerprints, etc. so i'm going to assume that even though we can be compared to each other, there is something unique that each of us bring to the ring of life.
have you ever felt like you were just a little different from those around you? get real now. do you really think that were all from one carbon copy?
since this is my blog, and nobody has beat my door down threatening me yet, i believe that we were all created in the image of God. that's what i really believe, and your wasting precious time, and breath if you plan to convince me otherwise.
not really
i comment a lot about the mental issues that i have. i seem to have a bit more at times than i can deal with successfully. they come in all different shapes and forms.
the reason that i bring them up often is because they are real, or maybe just one more illusion of confusion. i can't tell for sure, but they feel real enough.
maybe I'm just weeding out those in my life that have not taken the time to get to know me. maybe I'm a raving lunatic. i can't call this for sure, but you are more than welcome to be my judge.
i do need to apologize up front though, because if you take on the roll of my judge you opinion becomes of no value to me. don't think that i wont sit there, and listen to what your passing down with a smile on my face, because i most certainly will. i will even let you finish what ever your saying. then, more than likely, i will rub my chin in my hands, and make some thinking noises while looking at you, and speak these famous words from me: yep,..........you know,.............you may be right.
i guess that my opinion should weigh heavier on me than others opinions about me. it's taken me a lot longer to be happy in this skin than i care to admit. ........oh, what the heck!!..............it's taken me most of this life to do it, and it not been easy either. the rewards have been really cool though.
am i saying that all this mental madness is just something that I've made up to scare people away?.........not really. am i saying that i don't use it to my advantage to select those who really are my friends?............not really. do i think that I'm a lunatic, and in need of professional help?.......not really.
actually, despite all my many flaws of mental, and physical defects, and i don't need to forget about the character defects as well, I'm pretty well balanced at times. like my buddy forest says,...........and that's all i got to say about that!!
the reason that i bring them up often is because they are real, or maybe just one more illusion of confusion. i can't tell for sure, but they feel real enough.
maybe I'm just weeding out those in my life that have not taken the time to get to know me. maybe I'm a raving lunatic. i can't call this for sure, but you are more than welcome to be my judge.
i do need to apologize up front though, because if you take on the roll of my judge you opinion becomes of no value to me. don't think that i wont sit there, and listen to what your passing down with a smile on my face, because i most certainly will. i will even let you finish what ever your saying. then, more than likely, i will rub my chin in my hands, and make some thinking noises while looking at you, and speak these famous words from me: yep,..........you know,.............you may be right.
i guess that my opinion should weigh heavier on me than others opinions about me. it's taken me a lot longer to be happy in this skin than i care to admit. ........oh, what the heck!!..............it's taken me most of this life to do it, and it not been easy either. the rewards have been really cool though.
am i saying that all this mental madness is just something that I've made up to scare people away?.........not really. am i saying that i don't use it to my advantage to select those who really are my friends?............not really. do i think that I'm a lunatic, and in need of professional help?.......not really.
actually, despite all my many flaws of mental, and physical defects, and i don't need to forget about the character defects as well, I'm pretty well balanced at times. like my buddy forest says,...........and that's all i got to say about that!!
Saturday, May 15, 2010
wounded warrior
getting older has been a strange transition for me. the older i get things seem to change more, and i know that it's all me, and my attitude.
I'm becoming more and more of a social recluse. i don't care to mix and mingle anymore. I'm happy at home most of the time. i know that is really not good for a single man my age.
i don't have many friends, but i have many associates. I'm really picky about the ones that i really let in my life. i figure this reason is because of the mental issues that i suffer from. i have severe issues of trust that I've had ever since i can remember. I'm not sure how to deal with my trust issues, so i keep most people a distance from me.
i guess that I'm just stubborn, and want things the way i like them. i need to be reasonably happy, and i haven't found that doing what others want me to do. i do really respect all these caring friends in my life that think they know what i need. sometimes they are right, and sometimes they are clueless.
the sad part is that i don't even know what i need in my life at times. I'm an old man now, and still working on the trial and error basis.
i started this to comment on my wounded warrior status. it's been in the making a few days now, and i really don't have anything to say about that personally at this time.
i believe that nobody gets through this life without achieving that status, at some point and time. we have all been wounded. some more than others.
i guess that I'm just stubborn, and want things the way i like them. i need to be reasonably happy, and i haven't found that doing what others want me to do. i do really respect all these caring friends in my life that think they know what i need. sometimes they are right, and sometimes they are clueless.
the sad part is that i don't even know what i need in my life at times. I'm an old man now, and still working on the trial and error basis.
i started this to comment on my wounded warrior status. it's been in the making a few days now, and i really don't have anything to say about that personally at this time.
i believe that nobody gets through this life without achieving that status, at some point and time. we have all been wounded. some more than others.
Friday, May 14, 2010
wrestling?
i love to watch wrestling. I'm sorry, but i don't care anything about the amateur wrestling. i like the fake stuff, and not all of it. i love the way it's a big production. i love all the hoopla that comes with it!!
i grew up watching wrestling. years ago when i was a kid we got our television through the air. we had an antenna beside the house, and we got three different channels, and one PBS. man,........I'm telling you those were the good ole days.
i remember watching some of the guys that are awesome right now, when they were coming into the ranks. i remember watching triple h when he wasn't so big. i can say thought that dude has always been awesome!! as far as i know he has never changed his name, or his style.
anyway,..........being the good redneck that i am,..............i love wresting!! i grew up with rick flair. i even cooked his breakfast on time back home. i still remember what he ordered. it was six egg whites scrambled, and too pieces of dry wheat toast. this was such an unusual order that i had to go see who ordered it. i was shocked that no one recognized who it was, but i did. he was one of my hero's!!
unfortunately, by the time he left that restaurant he fell from being my hero, to just another rich, famous, asshole, that didn't treat me with respect.
who am i, or who do i think that i am?........................nobody!! not really at least.
who was i to care to meet one of my hero's, that was scheduled to be at the local walmart, in a small hick town in Alabama to sign autographs in two hours?
rick flair has done a lot for the world of wrestling. he has been a champion several times over, and i thing the fact that he is still involved is a travesty. he's too old, and should retire.
I'm sorry, but sometimes my mind takes me elsewhere. i was giving praise to the wwe, and my recall of rick flair, and his actions took me away from it.
i want to say, ............if rick flair ever gets to read this. i do forgive you for treating me like a lower life. I'm sorry that i ever bought into the illusion of confusion, that you were a descent person!!
i grew up watching wrestling. years ago when i was a kid we got our television through the air. we had an antenna beside the house, and we got three different channels, and one PBS. man,........I'm telling you those were the good ole days.
i remember watching some of the guys that are awesome right now, when they were coming into the ranks. i remember watching triple h when he wasn't so big. i can say thought that dude has always been awesome!! as far as i know he has never changed his name, or his style.
anyway,..........being the good redneck that i am,..............i love wresting!! i grew up with rick flair. i even cooked his breakfast on time back home. i still remember what he ordered. it was six egg whites scrambled, and too pieces of dry wheat toast. this was such an unusual order that i had to go see who ordered it. i was shocked that no one recognized who it was, but i did. he was one of my hero's!!
unfortunately, by the time he left that restaurant he fell from being my hero, to just another rich, famous, asshole, that didn't treat me with respect.
who am i, or who do i think that i am?........................nobody!! not really at least.
who was i to care to meet one of my hero's, that was scheduled to be at the local walmart, in a small hick town in Alabama to sign autographs in two hours?
rick flair has done a lot for the world of wrestling. he has been a champion several times over, and i thing the fact that he is still involved is a travesty. he's too old, and should retire.
I'm sorry, but sometimes my mind takes me elsewhere. i was giving praise to the wwe, and my recall of rick flair, and his actions took me away from it.
i want to say, ............if rick flair ever gets to read this. i do forgive you for treating me like a lower life. I'm sorry that i ever bought into the illusion of confusion, that you were a descent person!!
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
nervous issues
yeah,..........i reckon that i have some nervous issues also. I'm thinking that i earned my badge to have them early on.
one day my mom and i were talking, and the subject of first memory came up. she ask me what was the first thing i could remember. i told her that it was the time that daddy was going somewhere, and wouldn't take me. i said he even point a gun at me from out the truck window.
mom said that somebody had to tell me that, because i was too young to remember.
i described to her in vivid detail what the house looked like. the yellow walls, and the white curtain, and me pulling myself up on the wooden window sills to see out the window. i even described my daddy's truck.
i remember being traumatized by the sight of that gun. in my mind daddy was going to shoot me, and i would be dead.
mother just kinda played it off the best she could, but i realized by the look on her face as i described it the truth had come out. she said that i was less than 18 months old, and couldn't possible remember.
we never spoke of that even again, and years had passed on by. i thought about it often, and one day i had a thought that was more shocking than the scene.
why would the sight of a gun cause that much trauma for me? what had i seen before that day? how did i know that gun could kill me, and how did i even know what death was?
yep,..........that's right,..............i earned my nervousness badge at an early age!!
one day my mom and i were talking, and the subject of first memory came up. she ask me what was the first thing i could remember. i told her that it was the time that daddy was going somewhere, and wouldn't take me. i said he even point a gun at me from out the truck window.
mom said that somebody had to tell me that, because i was too young to remember.
i described to her in vivid detail what the house looked like. the yellow walls, and the white curtain, and me pulling myself up on the wooden window sills to see out the window. i even described my daddy's truck.
i remember being traumatized by the sight of that gun. in my mind daddy was going to shoot me, and i would be dead.
mother just kinda played it off the best she could, but i realized by the look on her face as i described it the truth had come out. she said that i was less than 18 months old, and couldn't possible remember.
we never spoke of that even again, and years had passed on by. i thought about it often, and one day i had a thought that was more shocking than the scene.
why would the sight of a gun cause that much trauma for me? what had i seen before that day? how did i know that gun could kill me, and how did i even know what death was?
yep,..........that's right,..............i earned my nervousness badge at an early age!!
mental madness
i guess there was some things that i should have said up front. I'm talking about my mental state of being. i know that i suffer from mental issues. the bad part was before i figured out that i had them. i couldn't understand why i would do certain things over and over. the really bad part was that i expecting to get different results. most normal people with normal thinking abilities call this insanity.
most of my life was spent in battle with drink and drugs. I'm blessed that i escaped with my life still intact around six years ago. I'm quite sure that this has had an effect on my mental stability also. I've manged to spend the biggest part of my life chasing my next high. unfortunately, that left little time for the things most important in life.
i never did prepare for a future, because i never thought that i would have one. i never bought a home, or saved any real money. i have never really learned how to love, or accept love when it was offered. the longest that I've ever held the same job was for three years.
, and that's been since i got clean.
the most scary part of my mental madness is the part that people don't see. I've had invitations to a few psyche wards, and one state mental hospital. they have given my all kinds of tests to see where i stood, and the most that they ever came up with was that i suffered from addiction, with some depression issues.
well golly gee willy wankers,................didn't that take a true scholar to tell me that?
most of my life was spent in battle with drink and drugs. I'm blessed that i escaped with my life still intact around six years ago. I'm quite sure that this has had an effect on my mental stability also. I've manged to spend the biggest part of my life chasing my next high. unfortunately, that left little time for the things most important in life.
i never did prepare for a future, because i never thought that i would have one. i never bought a home, or saved any real money. i have never really learned how to love, or accept love when it was offered. the longest that I've ever held the same job was for three years.
, and that's been since i got clean.
the most scary part of my mental madness is the part that people don't see. I've had invitations to a few psyche wards, and one state mental hospital. they have given my all kinds of tests to see where i stood, and the most that they ever came up with was that i suffered from addiction, with some depression issues.
well golly gee willy wankers,................didn't that take a true scholar to tell me that?
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
relationships
hey y'all,
i really need to write something here. what the point if i just let my blog sit without writing?
i think that I'll write about my current relationship.
well,..............it actually seems that i really don't have one. i thought that i did, but I've come to see this person in a different light.
you know,............i don't guess this failing relationship is any different that anybody Else's. I'm thinking that what sucks about it. i think most of us my age wants to stop playing games, and get serious.
i don't want to bad mouth this woman, because she doesn't deserve to be treated that way. we had a lot of good days together, and we saw a lot of things eye to eye.
i guess the differences could be blamed on me. i was the one that changed. i wanted her in ways that she couldn't be there. i wanted every thing that i couldn't have to begin with.
i saw this woman as my everything. was this just another illusion of confusion in my life?
I've never known much about love. i grew up in a very dysfunctional home, and I'm not blaming anybody there either. my family didn't know that they were dysfunctional, because that's the way they were raised. my parent learned to be that way from their past issues in life, and all of us turned out OK. some better than others, but were all OK.
I'll post more about this woman later, because she has really been good for me. she has taught me some things, both good and bad. she probably knows the real me better than anybody else.
i really need to write something here. what the point if i just let my blog sit without writing?
i think that I'll write about my current relationship.
well,..............it actually seems that i really don't have one. i thought that i did, but I've come to see this person in a different light.
you know,............i don't guess this failing relationship is any different that anybody Else's. I'm thinking that what sucks about it. i think most of us my age wants to stop playing games, and get serious.
i don't want to bad mouth this woman, because she doesn't deserve to be treated that way. we had a lot of good days together, and we saw a lot of things eye to eye.
i guess the differences could be blamed on me. i was the one that changed. i wanted her in ways that she couldn't be there. i wanted every thing that i couldn't have to begin with.
i saw this woman as my everything. was this just another illusion of confusion in my life?
I've never known much about love. i grew up in a very dysfunctional home, and I'm not blaming anybody there either. my family didn't know that they were dysfunctional, because that's the way they were raised. my parent learned to be that way from their past issues in life, and all of us turned out OK. some better than others, but were all OK.
I'll post more about this woman later, because she has really been good for me. she has taught me some things, both good and bad. she probably knows the real me better than anybody else.
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