i guess it has come time to "splain" myself a little here. yes,.........i said "splain." didn't ricky always say this to Lucy? I'm sorry that I'm old now, but when i was a kid there was a t.v. show called, i love Lucy. yes,.......it was in black and white television, long before the color came along. this show was an American icon, and everybody that had a t.v. watched it. i could blow your mind with the programs that i grew up on, but that will have to be another time.
i need to answer some thoughts that you might be having about my blog now. this is very important to me, so you will know where I'm coming from, if you read it. actually, i don't think that many people have read it, but that's OK with me. i don't write it because i have talent to begin with. i am not deceived doing this. i know that i have no writing skills, and i know that I'm not entertaining.
however, it does give me something that i desperately need in my life today, and that is a chance to heal. i have so many mental, and emotional problems in my life today. i thought about this for a long time before i did it. i thought how can i get this peace in my life that we are all seeking to have if my past is so mess up? then it donned on me. write a blog confessing to the entire world how screwed up that you really are right now. few people will ever read it anyway. maybe nobody, but i can say that i do have one follower, but she hasn't admitted that yet by clicking on the button.
i would like to make it more entertaining than it is right now, but I'm on a mission. i can't seem to keep right on one theme right now. i write whatever is going though my mind at the time, and my mind is so unstable. i start with something, and almost always wind up with something else going on. i can't say about anyone else's train of thought, but mine is severely messed up.
actually i believe this is a huge step for me. I'm basically shy, but when i write things just come out. I'm not trying to hide, and sneak around to do this either. if you will read my crap that i write you will find out just who i really am, and a way to contact me if you wish. I'm really not this bold. i just got tired of this sickness inside of me dictating my lonely, boring life.
i know that what really lies inside of me is basically good. i just didn't know how to set it free. i have a huge heart for God, but my past is trying to keep it smothered. i have a serious love for people, but I've not yet learned how to show it, and i want that more than anything else right now. i am learning that i really do need people in my life. I'm getting too old to be a lone ranger anymore. life has a different meaning for me today.
I'm learning that I've acted like something that i am not. I've been deceitful to others, and worse than that, I've been deceiving myself. i learned a long time ago that i can act like anything that i want you to think that i am, and i can put on a good show. i guess the day comes, or i know it did for me, that i am what i really am. i can no longer play that facade of putting on a show just to make others accept me. i want to be who i really am, and give you the choice of what you think about me. i find that much easier on my Spirit, than trying to keep the act going.
I've blocked out most of my childhood, and i don't understand why. writing this Lil' bit has began to unfold these memories. i think that we all have great things about our childhood that we need to be able to recall. after all, didn't we all learn the most important things in life before kindergarten? sadly, most of my life i forgot these also, but I've not heard the fat lady singing yet either!! i really think that they might be hope for me yet!!
i write for the freedom of my heart, soul, and mind. i write because i know in my own heart that there is a beautiful person trapped inside this body just aching to be set free. I've taken some rare glimpses of him from time to time, and i approve this message. politicians say that all the time, and i know that what is trapped inside of me is much better that what they assume to be.
i really don't intend to harm anybody with what i write. i withhold the names of those i talk about most of the time. i wish that i could name them, because some are very important to me. if they only knew how important that they really are. since this is all about me getting better, and not really so much about them, although, i couldn't do it without them, for now i wont call any names.
i speak a lot about my heritage. I'm glad that i grew up where i did. i wouldn't change it for anything if i could. all those backwoods, hillbillies, and rednecks that you may think that I'm making fun of, I'm really not. all those people have contributed to make me what i am today. i thank God that everyone of them that were put in my life, and if I'm making fun of anybody, I'm making fun of myself. those folks were simply who they were the same as i am today. it just took me a little longer to figure that one out.
i love my family which consist of two sisters, and a mother. mom has passed on, but i bet that she would be proud of her baby today, and yep,.........that's right,..........I'm her baby!! my sisters and me are not all that close today, but that's totally my fault. i can accept the consequence for my past actions, and I'm currently trying to repair them,...........yet again. i guess that I'm learning as i go.
i need to say something else before i turn it in for the night. life is really precious, and it is a gift. I'm grateful that i realized this before i died. i plan to treat it accordingly for the rest of my days. I'm tired of fighting with anything, or anybody. peace is my goal today. peace with myself, and everything around me. if nobody has told you this today. please allow me to be the first,................God loves you, and i do also!!
No comments:
Post a Comment