Who am i really?

It was very cold outside that night.        I had finally convinced mother that I had to make a trip to the outhouse, because the can just wouldn't do!!         It is strange the things that we can remember that has happened in our past.       Especially for me, because I have blocked out most of my childhood memories.        I do remember that we were very poor, as I was growing up.  We had a bit different lifestyle that a lot of people did, but it was normal to me, because it was all that I knew.

I knew that rebellion has been a major issue for most of my life.     I really can't pinpoint where it all started.       My mom and dad got divorced when I was really young.     Mother and daddy's mother has some really bad blood between them that I never got down to the bottom of it.     She talked really highly of dad's father, but he died when I was too young to remember him.

I do remember sneaking over to the neighbors shed where he kept his tractor , and stealing the pins off the tractor that kept the plow attached.      Then I simply threw them in the field where they would never be found again.      I even lied to him when he came over to talk with me, and mom about the pins.      There was no way that I would admit to stealing anything!!     Even though he never got a confession out of me, I always suspected that he knew that I was telling a lie to him.     It worked in his favor though, I never took anything, or caused any damage on his property ever again.    I am not sure if that could be called pure meanness, or total rebellion.     I know that it fits in either classification.

I used to slip over to the neighbors property on the other side.      Actually, those were the people that we rented the house from that we lived in.      They had about a quarter of a chicken house left standing that they were raising a few hogs inside of it.     I would go over there and cut the water spigot in the hog pen on, and leave it running.       It didn't take but a couple times of doing that until we got a visit from those folks also.     Once again I lied, but strangely the water was never left running again.

I was nothing more than trouble from the get go.     All these things happened before I ever started going to school.     My first day of school was a grand fiasco!!      They made me sit in a seat that I didn't want to sit in to begin with.      Then they had the nerve to make me cry in front of all those kids that I didn't even know.       The reason that I cried was because they changed my name!! Yep,...............That's right,............They called me by a name that I never heard before!!      I walked into that classroom Jimmy, and within an hours time that started calling me James!!      I had lived all my life long, All six years of it as Jimmy.       Who were they to change my name just because there was another Jimmy in that class!!

I knew that I was trapped there that day, but tomorrow would be a different story.     I didn't plan to ever go back to school for the rest of my life!!      Later that evening my worst fear became a reality. Mother fessed up that my name was really James, and she liked to call me Jimmy.     I am sure that I ask her the logical question of then why didn't you name what you wanted to call me, but I can't remember.     I was furious little lone did I not know who I was now, I was being made to go back to that rude school that I hated!!       Here is the good part though, I was only condemned to a twelve year sentence with no hope, or chance of parole.

Wanna hear the killer part?        Have you ever heard that the fruit, nut, whatever........Don't fall to far from the tree?        Yeah,.............I thought so!!        I have good reason to be fruit loop looney if there is any possibility of truth in that statement.       I can hear the gavel slamming down, and the judge shouting case closed !!         My mother was found insane for calling her son by a different name for six years, and allowing him to suffer public humiliation before telling him who he really was!!

Even today sometimes I doubt who I am?       Could that qualify as trauma?      You know that I need a check, and I know that certain amounts of trauma can qualify quickly for a check.    Aha!!     I got it!!        Post traumatic mental disorders.        I know that I am disordered mentally.      I would have to be to write all this life trauma so freely so the whole world can read it...Eh?

…........Much Love