I'm not sure how many of you know what it's like to come cold turkey of an anti-depressant. can i please tell you from experience that i've been through it, and it's a living hell!! i spent three days out of my friggin' mind, but that was the worst of it. i also spent three day's in the process of losing my mind, and two, or three days after that experience simply trying to find it again. after that little exciting time in my life i swore that i never would go through the horror of cold turkey on anti-depressants ever again.
well, so far i've not had to go through it again, but I'm getting close. about a week ago i cut all my pills in half, that i had left. most of you know that i can't get a Shands card again until my financial situation gets better, so I'm trying to prolong the agony of with-drawls.
the last time this happened to me i would up on my knees screaming at God Almighty to take my life!! i couldn't get comfortable no matter what position that i got in. i couldn't sleep, and i had lost control over my emotions. i could cry, and laugh with the same breath, and spent a lot of time doing just that!!
i wrote about that before, and i lied. i said that i would never do anti-depressants again. my Dr. convinced me that i needed them in my life just to stay in balance. the truth is that they have been a pure blessing in my life, as long as i take them like prescribed. at first that made me feel warm, and fuzzy, but now i can't feel any effects. i just take one,...........very small pill a day, and that seems to work.
i don't have any suicidal thoughts. i don't feel like I'm worthless, and i keep hope,.........against all the odds. i don't have a clue if this is what normal people feel like...........i just know that it works for me. i rarely get depressed while i'm taking these pills, and that's a good thing.
back to what i was saying before,............my madness has begun. although,..........i know that i wont have to go cold turkey again this time,.......i still can tell it's effects. i've had a difficult week, as far as inter-action with the human race. I'm avoiding going out in public all that i can. I'm also avoiding my friends. i finally told Bubba what was going on right now in my life, and why i was acting like i was acting. I'm really not sure that he understood, but i know in my heart that we will be OK. a lot of the same anxiety that I'm going through right now Bubba is feeling the same pain,...........in a different way.
those that have kept up with my blog knows that Bubba invited me into his home while i was homeless. I'm still there today, and i feel that i need to be here on several different levels. some are for my benefit, and some are for Bubba's, but mostly mine.
i kinda knew what i would be going through, and i expected the worst to happen just in case it came down to that again. i don't think that it will be as bad as the last time. at least that is my prayer. i've got to get my life back on tract, and get some kind of a job to bring in more money. we have been blessed to live in this place for the time being, but i really can't see it happening for much longer knowing that spring is trying to pop his head out from the winter, and the mom's are bringing their babies out once again.
i reckon time will tell what the outcome will be. i can't worry too much about it, because we are not even promised to see the sun set this evening. i don't believe that it's possible to enjoy life while your eat up with worry. the best that i can do is simply take care of what presents itself before me, and enjoy the rest.
life is an adventure. things can change in a heart-beat, and it doesn't always have to be for the worst. miracles happen everyday. if we would just take the time to notice them, because sometimes that hit real close to home.
i feel sorry for those that don't believe in miracles, and can't even see them while they are experiencing one personally. i don't believe in miracles either,.............i rely on their existence in my life on a daily basis!!
..........much love
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