I often wonder how I ever got in this shape? No,…….not the fat shape!! Being fat is a shape, but I’m talking about both my mental, and internal physical workings that keep my life above the water line.
Now, I have seen truly crazy people in really good physical shape, so that blows my theory to hell that they are connected. However, it does seem like they go hand in hand with me. When my body is strong, and everything is working correctly, my mentality is better. Does that make any since?
Right now my physical well being, and my mental stability is at an all time low. There are things going on with my internal workings of my body, just to be honest, are down right scary, and I have no access what-so-ever to a Dr. I know that I could go down to the E.R., and sit there half, to three quarters of a day, and walk out with a handful of prescriptions, and still be no better off.
I know that I have some problems with my heart. I’m not talking about the love factor here. I’m talking about the way that it pumps blood to the organs in my body that need a fresh supply to operate correctly. Seven years ago I had a heart attack. At that time the Dr. put a stint in one of my heart valves, and he said that the others had 35% blockage.
Sometimes when I stand up I get so dizzy, that I have to hold on to something until it passes. Like this is not enough, at times my right leg goes completely numb to the point that I can’t walk for a few minutes, and my right arm goes as if it is dead, and I drop anything that I’m holding at the time.
I know that these are signs of a stroke. I’ve had a couple already back in 1998. It appears that I’m fixing to have another one soon, because these symptoms are getting more frequent.
This is the first time that I’ve spoke about this to anybody. I’ve been hoping that these things would just magically disappear, and I would be alright. I know how foolish this sounds!! Some thing just don’t fix themselves, and I know how serious that this is!!
Don’t think that I’m all that brave, because I’m not. I have no fear of death, but that doesn’t mean that I want to die. I had rather die, as live out the rest of my years in a nursing home slobbering all over myself!!
Strokes are never pretty. My last one landing me in a nursing home, with my right arm paralyzed, and unable to speak with any clarity. I sounded like a cross between Elmer Fudd, and Donald Duck!!
I really believe that all that medication that I was on was keeping me alright. Now that the meds are gone, I’m simply going haywire. My headaches are returning from my blood pressure spiking at times, and it’s rare when I feel good anymore.
I’ve been donating plasma, and I know that’s not good for me. If I would have been honest about my health questions they wouldn’t even let me inside the building. They take about a quart of white blood cell from my body, along with most of the water from my blood. That leaves me dehydrated, and it causes my blood to thicken. With my blood that thick it’s harder for my already damaged heart to pump in to my organs that need it. This includes my brain, and that is what causes strokes. The brain takes the oxygen from the blood, and if there is not enough oxygen it causes a stroke.
You probably wonder why I do this then knowing the damage that it causes? I have a basic need to survive, and I can’t work for money, because of my health issues. I can’t get medical help without a new I.D., and that cost even more money that I can’t get. I am in a pickle!! I’m stuck between a rock, and a hard place, and don’t have a clue what to do?
I really love living with all the twist and turns that come our way. I have done all within my power, naa,……..that’s not exactly true, but I’ve done most things that I can think of to survive, and now it’s killing me.
It’s really taking a toll on me mentally to see my life evading me, or at least what I thought was my life. This new life is not satisfying to my self-esteem one bit. even though, I’m not one bit suicidal. I’ve tried that, and it didn’t work out for me. I figure from this point that my old body can’t keep going like this for much longer anyway.
This is why I’m writing this blog. Just to let the world know where I stand, and if I suddenly stop writing it was because I had to stop. i'm either dead, or in a shape where i'm wishing that i was dead. i'm sure that i will write more about this later.
...........much love
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