A different attitude!!

A different attitude!!.............i would reckon so,................that's the gift that being homeless gave to me!!

I'm not sure why, but i had become rotten down to the core in my 20's. i guess i thought that i had arrived, and my poop started to smell like roses. I'm not even sure what started this change in me, and actually i have to look back to see it. they say that hind-sight is always 20/20, and i believe that to be very true.
finding a job back then wasn't any problem, so i never did make a good employee. i changed work six times a year at least, sometimes more!! i think the longest that i was employed was two years, and that's because i had got in trouble,........big trouble,.........and had to be employed. plus,......i had met the woman of my dreams at that job.
my employer at that time thought that they saw something good in me, and was training me to move up in a supervisory position with the company. a lower lever supervisor position, but that could have been the start of a career. it must have looked too good to me, because i ended that adventure in the worst way possible. it was my birthday, and i had already requested to have it off weeks before. my boss called me at home that day, and said that he really needed me to come to work, because several employees had called in that night. i was furious, but i went in. he put me back on my old job for the night, and that even made me madder. i huffed, and puffed, and stewed over the fact that i was doing my old job until i couldn't take it anymore. i had worked myself into a frenzy!!  i simply walked out, and clocked out, and never returned. ain't like i had a choice either, because my boss wound up doing my job for the rest of the night!!
that girl of my dreams, and myself continued to see each other, and eventually moved in together. she was a super good woman, and tried to show me the ropes in life. i love her with all my heart, but still i was no good for her. i never paid one bill that we had, which was many. i would buy a few groceries from time to time, and keep a little gas in her car. i didn't even have a car, because i had totaled mine out, and nearly killed myself drunk driving. i always kept beer in the fridge, and some weed in my pocket. i thought that i was in charge of entertainment, so i kept movies from the video store.
i have always love to cook, so i did that most nights, and barely kept the grass cut in our small yard. i didn't understand anything about women. all i understood about her was the fact that i loved her with every fiber of my being, and i still do today, but now it's terribly one sided.
we stayed together three years, but that last six months was a total disaster. she had all of me that she could stand, and was making that perfectly clear. she tried to make me miserable, but i was just too stupid to see it. one day i had a thought. ......i would just move out, and let her have it. if that's what she wanted, that was what she was going to get!! I'll show her!!
that had to be one of the happiest day's in our relationship to her, because she had grown sick of my sight, and i can't blame her. looking back i get this queezy feeling in my gut looking at it!!

i think from that point forward i was in the process of losing my mind. i was angry at myself mostly, for not being able to act mature enough to hold on to her, and i wasn't mature enough to take care of myself. i went buck wild!! i started drinking, and doing all kinds of drugs all the day long. i got three D.U.I.'s within two weeks, and knew that i would see jail time. i couldn't handle that, so i took off to Florida to start over.
this is where my blessing started, but i couldn't see it as one for a long time. for the first time in my life i was homeless, and had nobody to depend on but myself. of coarse i fell right into the wrong crowd, and learned how to survive the wrong way.
i became a con man, and i became a very good one at the end, but it didn't start out that way. man,.......i struggled in every way that you could think that would be possible. i was starving, and felt like i was too good to eat out of a dumpster. later on i learned how to get good food from a Winn-Dixie dumpster to eat, and actually make money off of it. i learned all kinds of important things to do in the name of my survival like steal things. i became an excellent shoplifter, and i would return the merchandise right back to where i had stolen it from for cash. sometimes without ever leaving the store. there is a fine line between being bold and stupid!!
i did things that were so disgusting that i will never admit them to another living soul, and partly in great fear if i admit to them that i will do jail time over them!! i should have been locked up in one or two places. either a prison cell, or a nut house ward!!        now,........don't get me wrong,.........because i have spent plenty of days in jail, and been to the nuthouse more than i really want to claim.

I'm not one bit proud of these things that I've done, but i did them regardless. I'm sure that it took everyone of these events to make me the man that i am today. i was raised in the right way, but for some reason i veered off that track, and became the person that my mother always warned me to stay away from. i was raised in a Christian environment, but i soon lost all respect, or interest in God. i was a man going down my own highway, and it was a highway straight to hell!!

today is much different for me..........I'm happy. I'm at peace with myself, others, and with God!!  I'm grateful for every little thing that i have today. i no longer have the desire to steal anything, because i don't need to steal anymore. stealing just brings a really bad Karma down on myself. i haven't done any illegal drugs in years, and very rarely drink any alcohol. I've not felt the need to try to con anybody out of anything in several years. if i really need something i will simply ask until i receive it. there is little that i find need to ask of, but sometimes i still do. it happens every now and then.
the most amazing part of my transformation is the fact that i love now. i spent several years without loving myself, so how could i love anybody else? i can't actually feel the pain of others, and can truly sympathize with them.
it's funny I've spent this morning doing what every single man should be doing for time to time. that is cleaning my house. i like to have a clean house, and the only way that it gets that way is if i clean it. most people know that a house simply doesn't automatically clean itself. it takes effort to maintain your living environment, and i put a lot of work into mine. i appreciate having a place to live, and i am very grateful for my home. actually,.......when i was homeless i never let my campsite get trashy either. i always cleaned up the mess that i made the next morning, before i left for the day. if you just didn't wonder up on me while i was there it would have been difficult to know that anybody was sleeping in my site.

i reckon that i've rambled enough for now...........y'all have a great day, and spread some of your love in the world today, because somebody needs it worse than you might think!!

                                                    .................much love