Sick with frustration

Lord Jesus,.....Please give me the strength, to hold on a few more days. This chaotic madness, isn't even funny anymore. It is getting down right ridiculous at times. I appreciate all that you have done for me. Just not today but, all the days, that have preceded this one. I do want to thank you, for the days that will make up, my future also. Only You know, what those days consist of but, it can't be anything less than awesome.

I am getting really tired, as of lately. My strength seems to be fading, for some reason. Every where that I go, I usually have a thirty five pound backpack on my back. It is really getting heavy this week. I think that a couple days of rest, might make me snap back. I haven't get a descent nights sleep, at the mission. I use a night blinder, and ear plugs in my ears, However, I think that just causes more aggravation.

I would prefer that, when I lay down, to go to sleep that, the room be fairly dark, if not pitch black. I don't require any noise, other than the noise, that my fan makes. These or what that I call, ideal sleeping conditions. I have not had this luxury, in over three years. I am sure going to enjoy these luxury's when, I get my own place again. Thank you Jesus!!

I guess in my older years ,I am growing less tolerant, of a few things. I really can't stand to be around people smoking. When the Good Lord took it away from me, He really took it away!! I think that it is one, of the most disgusting smells that, I have ever smelled. When I walk passed somebody smoking, I always hold my breath, until I pass.

I don't deal with foolishness well either. This is coming straight from the man, that used to know, nothing but foolishness. When ever I encounter, a intolerable level of foolishness, you can bet, that I already have, an escape plan in motion. I know that this is terrible but, I do pick, and choose my battles. I really don't like to engage, to begin with, and the outcome can be shaming on me, because I can be a loose cannon.

I wonder if that is the proper way to handle oneself, when the know, that the great potential is present to lose control? I took this phrase to heart a while back: “Would I rather be right, or would I rather be happy?” I use it all the time, when folks want to dispute the Bible with me. I say, “ Wow!! I didn't know that. Maybe you can show me where that you found that one day.”

Usually that little statement simply calms everything right on down. The last thing, that I will do, is get into an argument, about what the Word says. If God said it, then I believe it, case closed!!

This was what I started writing Friday. I never finished it, and so far, I have not wrote anything until now. I have been taking a break, or in a funk of some sorts. I simply could not bring myself to write, over this weekend.

Can I be very real with you, for just a minute? Have you ever needed, to make a move, that consumed your life, in the present? That is exactly where I am at right now!! I am sick to my soul, being in this mission. It was great for a while. It has restored my faith in God, and has given me a whole new relationship with Jesus. I have reaped some great benefits, from being there but,........

Being in the mission, is bringing some things out, from my heart ,that I really don't like being there. I am beginning to express hatred. No so much on a personal level but, maybe on a geographical level. I hate the smell of a room, where several men are sleeping, in extremely close quarters. I really don't like the fact, that I can't lay down on the weekends, and take a nap if I want, or need to get some rest.

I don't care for the schedule of events, at the mission any longer. I don't want to eat dinner, at three-thirty everyday. Who but, inside of a mission, does that anyway? I believe that it is working on driving me insane!! Who really wants to stay in a mission for two years?

I know what it is. I have become stagnant in learning, and I am focusing, on the negative. I spend more waking hours, in the library, for not much of nothing. I feel so condemned, at the mission, that I don't want to go there until late. I simply can't understand, how being a loner, got me such popularity? It seems here lately that I am a very popular person. I will be trying to write, or do something else on my computer, and they all want to pay me a visit.

I guess it is not hard to tell that I am frustrated. I really have a lot going on right now. Maybe that is not the right way to put it. I really have a lot, that should be moving right now, that is stuck!! Everything is at a stand-still, except my mind, and it has hit warp speed. I just need to hold on until tomorrow, and don't do anything stupid because, tomorrow will be just another day in paradise!!

….....Much Love