yep,...........that's right,...............i'm talking about the state of mind that i'm in right now!! once again i've been decieving myself, and i've gotten completely off track.
i've never been a popular person, and really i never thought that i wanted to be one either. i knew that if i ever became popular that it would change the core of my inner being. i knew that somehow i would loose myself in the madness that comes with popularity. it has taken my many years to become a person that i could love, and i'm standing on the border of change, and truly fighting it with every fiber of my being!!
i have been deceiving myself.........in other words I'm holding true to the part that i play in the world today. Mr. illusion of confusion. writing this blog has gotten me recognition that i really never figured that was possible. I'm not saying that i am a household name, but what i am saying is that folks all over the world read this little blog.
there are actually people out there,..........that i have never met, and probably never will,..............that know about me, and my life. honestly,................i find this a little over-whelming at times.
the thing is that I'm having this real battle with my pride right now. it's roared his old ugly head up at me , saying things that he loves to hear., and quite honestly,..............i love to hear them also!!! it makes me feel good, and it makes me feel important, but I'm allowing this to throw the focus off what i say, rather I'm more worried about what my readers want to hear.
whoa............whoa,................whoa!!! hold on a minute,......................say it ain't so,.............but this just can't be right!! readers all around the world didn't get to know me because i was worried about what they thought, and what they wanted to hear. they became my readers because i was simply laying it all on the line, and putting my madness out there for who ever might take a chance and read !!
it's been excellent therapy for me to advance my healing process on many issues that i've been lugging around for most of my life. some thing's are a lot harder to heal than others, because i must simply enjoy the misery that they give me, and wont allow them past my grasp.
actually,...........my life has not gotten well enough that i can't afford any change right now in celebration of my pride. i am still a very sick puppy, but I'm getting better. even though i know that i haven't arrived yet................arrived yet?....................what the hell does that really mean?................hell,.........I'm still sitting in the friggin' airport!! my next question is when do we start the engine?......................yep,..............that's right,.................i am a sick puppy.
Lord Sweet Jesus,..............I'm still doing a daily battle with some demons that aim to take my life!! the last thing that i need to do is let my pride get in the way of this great opportunity that i have here. i have found folks here that knows just how sick that i really am, and still accept me regardless of my many faults. there is some reason that they read this, and i don't have a clue why that it is. the fact that they do gives me a chance to touch their lives in some way.
a sad reality is the facts of the life that I'm writing about is the one that i've done lived. i don't currently have much of a life. I'm seriously stuck in a survival rut!!..............oh no,.................don't even ask me what that means, because i could tell you anything more that just another state of mind.
now,.......that i've gotten that off my chest i feel a lot better!! i can go back to my normal state of madness. the high alert lights are not flashing now, and the buzzers have ceased to make their noises in my head. Mr. Illusion of Confusion scores another victory for the home team!!!
..............much love
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