That is a price that I am willing to pay!!

Just in case you might not have known this, or maybe for some reason you might have not quite picked up on it,...Yet. There is absolutely no way, that there is anything inside of myself, that can even come close to lead you to believe, that there is a chance in my life of anything being normal.

I am sure that a few of y'all need to pick yourselves up from the floor right now.    It is OK to stop reading, and catch your breath.    I will give you a few minutes to gather yourselves, and get over the initial shock.   v I know that is a lot to comprehend, especially the way I just blurted it out.  I need to apologize, because I should have used some kind of buffer.

I can't measure by anything other that what the kids told me in school, and what I saw going on in my neighborhood, of my childhood. I don't think that even that was normal.     I think when I saw my daddy pointing a pistol at me when I was only eighteen months old.    I might be wrong, but that pretty much sealed the deal, as far as any normalcy goes.     It is possible that could have set the pace for the rest of my life.    I am thinking that maybe mother's issues may have lent a helping hand to this deal also. I was kept in isolation most of the time. I don't understand why, but I think that it would be safe to say it was because of daddy.   That was an entire different issue in itself. I found out later in my life that there was real bad blood between them both. I might have found something normal in my life after all.    Whenever there is a feud going on between the parents the kids always reaps the benefits of being in the line of fire.    Gee Whiz!!     Is that as normal as i can get? 

In elementary school they would give grades on various things. It was more than just the scholastic

values. It was also graded on relational values. Basic people skills is what I am saying here. I never got above average marks, and most of the time they were seriously low. All that isolation was sure paying off. I didn't know how to deal with people, and I really didn't care to learn either. I had a serious attitude problem for most of my life. I was really smart, and could excel in anything that I put my mind to do. The real problem was that I really didn't care about much enough to ever even consider excelling.

I don't think that mom, or my sisters every really knew that I was capable of doing much. I never can recall any reward when I did well with my grades. I believe that I did maintain a c average up to an b average. It wasn't until my senior year that I got my first F. I had straight given up on that English class. I guess that was my coming out effort where I finally said, “I am not doing this any more!!”

I remember my favorite step-Father was trying to bring me back in line. i say my favorite, because mother was married five times that i know about. I think that he went one step in the wrong direction. Him and mother was on the same page with the very short leash deal. I was not allowed to ride my bike over four houses from ours, and you know that I did. Well, he really shocked me when he walked down there, and pulled of his belt. The next thing that I felt all over my body, was him giving me what he called a good ole strappin'!!

I knew that I deserved to get a whipping for simply being disobedient. The only thing different about that one, and the ones that I was used to getting was the location. You know that location is everything with anything that you do. This one came with an added case of humiliation. It just happened that all my friends were outside that day for a free first hand, ringside seat to see the sight unveil right before their eyes.

That was the beginning of the end of our relationship. Nothing was the same from that point forward. I barely would say anything to him, after all I could no longer trust him. I didn't know when he might fly off the handle, and cause me more needless humiliation. I tried to talk with mom about what had happened, and the best that I ever got from her was the fact that I should have known better. Gee,..........Thanks mom,.....Thanks for being so understanding!!

By the way, …...What should I known better?           Should I have known better than be a psychotic kid that started before I was two years old?       Should I have known better than been born to begin with?     Maybe I should have known better than to let any of my family live past my sixth birthday!!      Maybe I should have known better than to watch all those killing movies that would make me think such a thing!!

I must admit something to you.            I have a wild imagination!!     I am sitting here laughing so hard at that group of statements that I just made.    I don't have any desire to hurt anybody, let lone take their lives.     Although, I can get highly frustrated at times when I think back at the way the things in my life have gone.

I even though that maybe my life would become normal living as a Christian. So far it has not even come close to anything normal, and I am glad. I love, and serve a God that is anything but normal. I was made in His image.     It all makes sense now.    My life today is an extreme test of my faith in Jesus Christ.     How could anything be even close to what is considered as normal?

I don't believe that I could serve a radical being such as Jesus Christ.    Holy Spirit is the most radical of the whole Trinity!!    When He moves in any way, shape, or fashion somebody will always be affected, and honestly, I pray that it is me!!    If the price that I have to pay to have Holy Spirits involvement in my life is living a life far from normal.....Them bring it on, because that is a price that I am willing to pay!!           Thank you Jesus!!

…..........Much love